A/N I am super excited about the Perfectionists and love Ali and Mona but I was severely missing Emison. Hopefully, there will be a cameo at some point or we can hope for a happy ending. Until then, I though I would write short little stories from Ali's point of view. It is sort of like her diary of stories she kept that the girls found. Anyway, please read and and review and let me know what you think!
Love you!
Those were the last words I said to her before I left. I do love her, I will always love her but it isn't working. I don't know if she'll ever fully trust me and I know we won't have a future if this keeps happening.
At first, she accused me of running away, "tossing our girls at her" to chase something stupid. She apologized. I think the one thing she really knows for sure is how much I love our girls. They're everything to me. I hope that's the one thing she can trust.
I want to be a family and I am not giving up. I just realize I need to fix myself before I can fix us. After we found out Charlotte was A, I chose to stay in Rosewood. My Mom was never there for me and suddenly I had someone who seemed to want to love me. I was finished running. I could grieve what I'd lost but I didn't grieve, I threw all my focus into helping Charlotte and school. I had a lot to make up for but I couldn't separate my sins from Charlotte's sins. She made me feel like she understood me. She understood how my Mom had us reciting lies before we could even put together a sentence. Charlotte felt the things I felt for my Mom, all the conflicting emotions. The more time I spent with her, I felt less judged and less horrible about all the terrible things I had done. I was moving forward with my life. Teaching helped me give back and try to help kids that I would have terrorized. I felt I was atoning for our sins.
I was seeking forgiveness. I was sincere about that but the people I really wanted and needed forgiveness from weren't there. They hadn't seen the changes I had made or the changes I wanted to continue to make. When they came back, they saw the same selfish mean girl. To be fair, the first thing I asked them to do was lie. I thought Charlotte was better. I wanted someone in my life but I never should've asked them to lie.
Truth is automatic for most people. My Mom taught me the opposite. Lie first and then manipulate the truth to your advantage. So I am a poor little rich girl that had a bad childhood and blames her parents. It's too cliché and I will not be a cliché. I wish I could, it would be easier but I can't. If I want to be trustworthy, if I want to give her my love, if we are going to have a real chance, I have to be the best version of myself.
I need to be here, away from the constant reminders, the panic attacks, the memories and the dirty looks I still get. She built a life after high school away from Rosewood. I stayed, I was tired of being on the run. I didn't want to move my life again. I didn't want to start over as someone else. I wanted to be with my sister. I needed to breathe but then I got stuck. The only way I could get unstuck was by leaving. I didn't want to leave her or the girls but if we are ever going to have a real chance this is the right choice.
A simple, "love you" was our goodbye. Telling the girls I was leaving had been unbearable. We told them together. I told them how much I loved them and how much Mommy was going to miss them. I started to cry. I wanted her to take them but she just shook her head and said, "it's okay, let them see. They need to know it's okay to feel what they're feeling, we never had that chance. Let's give them that." Then I felt strong arms wrap around me. I swear I love her more everyday. We watched our girls play late into the night and then we all fell asleep exhausted in our bed.
I gave her a quick kiss, love you and I was almost out the door. She grabbed my hand, pulled me back and kissed me. I was calm, the kiss ended and I tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. She slipped her hands to my face and leaned in. She kissed me long and deep, before we broke apart she said, "I'll always be here for you. Always! Now go help those kids, they need you." I looked at her, really looked at her, took in her breathtaking beauty and walked out the door.