A/N: This was inspired by a "Scrubs" episode that has me in tears everytime I see it. The episode name is at the bottom because it'll probably give away the story. Title from "Winter" by Joshua Radin
Warning: character death
All I Hear
Everyone's scattered around the hospital waiting room, counting each and every second. Shawn's sitting in the middle of the room, Juliet on his right; Lassiter is talking to a doctor, trying to get a handle on the situation; Gus is – Shawn isn't sure where Gus went, but he does know that he would feel better if he were by his side.
They've been sitting in the waiting room for about forty minutes when the surgeon appears. Lassiter is the first one over, followed by Shawn and Juliet. Shawn instantly knows that there's bad news.
The surgeon is shaking his head in that I'm so sorry we did everything we could way and there's suddenly a low hum in the atmosphere. Juliet widens her eyes, covers her mouth in shock and with a film of tears in her eyes follows the surgeon to get details about the victim's wounds.
Shawn wants to yell at something or someone. He wants to blame someone. Shawn looks over and sees Lassiter just standing there and suddenly everything in his head becomes white hot.
Shawn walks up to Lassiter and shouts this is your fault you should have listened to me and then Gus is mysteriously there trying to get Shawn to shut up. Shawn just keeps spitting things out, not really listening to what's actually coming out of his mouth.
After hearing Gus howl at him to stop, Shawn finally succumbs and they walk away, Shawn vibrating with anger and Gus trying to calm him down.
Some part of Shawn recognizes that he was being ridiculous. Shawn knows Lassiter hardly listens to him on a good day, so why is this so different.
This is different because they all say the victim slowly dying in front of their eyes and they couldn't stop it. This is different because they could have (should have) prevented it. This is different because maybe Shawn blames himself more than he blames anyone else.
...
The case had been one of those cases that kept everyone running on pure adrenaline and caffeine. It had involved abduction, violence, and cold murder. The case had been sitting on the chief's desk for two weeks before Shawn figured it out.
Shawn had been able to find a connection out of nothing but no one had listened to him. It had seemed too outrageous and there was no proof. His gift had somehow become a last resort.
Fourteen excruciating hours later, someone else was dead and the murderer was sitting in an interrogation room with blood staining his hands.
...
Shawn and Gus make their way to the blueberry, and for some weird reason Gus lets Shawn drive. Shawn's not going to question it, though, because it's a rare day when Gus willingly just hands over the keys.
They head over to the office to take a breath. Right now, it's better than being at home or at the station.
They're watching a movie when Gus just has to break the silence.
"You know it isn't Lassiter's fault, right?"
Shawn can hear the hidden or yours but he really doesn't want to have this conversation right now, or ever, really. But somehow Gus uses this tone to convey you better answer me back and Shawn's learned over the course of their friendship to take it almost halfway seriously.
"Gus, he should have listened to me. I mean, when am I ever wrong?"
"You're wrong all the time, Shawn."
The usual banter feels good, normal. It still doesn't take away the weird feeling Shawn has in the pit of his stomach.
...
Later on, Gus leaves while Shawn stays at the office, thinking about the case. He knows Gus is somewhat right (okay, one hundred percent correctamundo) about it not being Lassiter's fault.
Somewhere in Shawn's brain, he knows that Lassiter was just being Lassiter; maybe that's why Shawn's so angry. Shawn doesn't really blame Lassiter; he blames himself.
Shawn wasn't fast enough, smart enough, to provide the right information to get the cops to listen to him and because of that, someone was dead.
Shawn's never really felt guilty before. Sure, when the occasion called for it he could muster up superficial feelings but it wasn't real. This feeling inside of him now is awful and he hears Gus in his head say it's not your fault either but it doesn't make it better.
Shawn finds himself for the second time that day wishing Gus was beside him so it would all be magically okay.
...
It's dark by the time Shawn finally leaves and heads home. He enters his empty apartment, crashes on his bed, and ignores every little thought buzzing around in his head. He lies in bed for three hours and twenty-two minutes before he's finally able to sleep.
He's plagued with dreams of blood and hands covering wounds and wakes up with the urge to scrub his hands raw.
Deciding sleep is overrated, Shawn lies in bed and quotes John Hughes' movies in their entirety, pretending all the while that he and Gus are in the starring roles.
The next day he sits on his couch and watches his favorite shows. He doesn't want to say he's avoiding the outside world, but he basically is. He tries calling Gus to see if maybe he wants to join but there's no answer, so he has no choice but to endure the loneliness.
He ends up falling asleep against his will and dreams of more blood. This time there's also a terrified voice, tears, and yelling. It's a jumbled mess and Shawn doesn't understand. The dream disintegrates into nothing and the next morning all traces of the dream have disappeared.
Shawn wakes up at around ten in the morning (how had almost three days passed already?) to a horrible screeching noise and sees his phone dancing on the table.
He has ten missed calls, a couple of voicemails, and a ton of texts. Most are from his dad, some are from Juliet, and one missed call is even from Lassiter. None are from Gus.
His conscience – aka, Gus's rational little voice – decides to kick in at that moment and he realizes that he needs to, well, apologize to Lassiter.
...
Shawn stealthily walks into the station and his vision hones in Lassiter. He's sitting at his desk, reading something and looking uncharacteristically dejected.
As Shawn makes his way over, he notices certain cops giving him these looks. It's a mixture of sympathy and pain and Shawn's not completely sure why they're giving him these looks.
He gives them all weird looks right back and continues with his mission. Shawn walks in front of Lassiter's desk and just stands there until Lassiter looks up.
Shawn thinks that he sees sorrow and guilt in Lassiter's face but he can't be sure. Shawn knows he needs to get this over with, though, because he can still hear Gus's voice from the other night and he can't spend one more minute pondering this over.
"I wanted to say that I'm, you know, sorry. It wasn't your fault."
Now Lassiter looks shocked. Shawn doesn't think he can take any more heart to heart stuff so he leaves before Lassiter says something. He manages to bypass everyone (those giving him the looks) as he leaves, and he's more than slightly grateful.
Gus somehow knew he'd be here and meets him on the stairs of the police station, looking all too smug and anxious at once. Shawn holds up his hand with not a word as he climbs in the driver's side of Gus's car.
Shawn wants to ask where Gus has been but when he opens his mouth, Gus chooses to ask questions of his own.
"You do remember what today is, don't you?"
Shawn's not sure how to answer that so he opts for something that's sure to ignite a sigh from Gus.
"Is it my dad's birthday already? Gus, you know you have to remind me about these things, like, hours in advance so I can have ample enough time to-"
"Shawn," Gus sighs, looking hilariously annoyed and just a tiny bit amused.
Even though there's amusement in Gus's eyes, Shawn can tell he means business.
"Yeah, I know. And I know I should go but -"
"Shawn, you are not getting out of this so don't even try."
...
Gus somehow manages to get him to the last place he ever wants to be. It's windy outside and Shawn feels cold and a little nauseous but he doesn't mention it.
Shawn turns to Gus and says, "I'm here, now what?"
Gus gets that stern look on his face, the one he gets when he wants to drill something in Shawn's brain, and replies, "Now – now you have to forgive yourself and know that it wasn't your fault."
Something cold spreads itself through Shawn's heart and there's that low hum in the air that he felt more than heard at the hospital. He laughs a little and opens his mouth to reply but then a strangled Shawn pops up from behind him.
Shawn turns and sees Juliet and Lassiter standing side by side, each looking undeniably sad. Shawn turns back to Gus to say something but he's just gone.
He looks around and sees the trees and the flowers, the chairs perfectly set up in front of – in front of the wooden casket. Shawn moves closer and sees a picture of Gus, innocently perched on top of the casket.
Something cracks inside of Shawn. He feels like someone just shoved him off a thirty-two story building; his heart plummets and he can't think about anything but hitting solid ground. Shawn wants to tell everyone that this is too much, too real. He wants to go back. He wants Gus.
More people begin to arrive just as Shawn slams into the reality he's been avoiding. He feels someone grab his hand just as little warm drops fall on his cheeks. Shawn looks back one more time but he can't see anything but grass.
Everyone ends up scattered around. Shawn is sitting in the front, his dad on his right; Lassiter and the chief are talking to Gus's parents, telling them that their son was one of the finest people they knew; Juliet falls beside Shawn offering silent solace.
And Gus is – Shawn doesn't know where Gus went, but what he does know is that he wishes he were right beside him, holding his hand, and telling him that it'll all somehow be okay.
A/N II: the episode of "Scrubs" that inspired this was 3x14 "My Screw Up"