Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who messaged and/or provided reviews for "Guilty". I was so humbled, grateful and inspired by your feedback that I started working on this sequel over the holidays. I hope readers get a few laughs out of this silly piece - it was so much fun to write!

Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.

Thanks for reading!

Rating: M for language and sexually suggestive content

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Chapter 1: Marvelous Tits

"Madara, do you know who I am?"

The decrepit old man's eyes narrowed in disdain. "Madara-SAMA" he spat out, completely unimpressed with whom he was speaking.

Tsunade sighed and turned to her hosts: the Uchiha clan head, his elegant matriarch, his imposing heir, and the dark haired beauty his eldest son was soon to be joined with in matrimony.

Madara's hunched form suddenly straightened in his seat as he barked out, "TEA!"

A nervous squeak was heard from behind the shoji screen of the washitsu where the distinguished group was gathered. The rushed padding of small feet indicated that some unfortunate soul was scurrying to the kitchen to prepare the chanoyu that was so rudely demanded.

Satisfied that his orders were being followed, Madara harrumphed and returned to the scroll that he was "working on" prior to his guests' arrival. He picked up his brush, and continued his unintelligible scribbling as he mumbled to himself.

When Auntie Hitomi returned with the items needed for her elderly charge's afternoon tea service, the members of Uchiha Fugaku's household and the Godaime Hokage all stood to take their leave. But before they could close the shoji door behind them, Madara briefly looked up at Tsunade and smoothly declared in his signature languid baritone,

"Did you always have such marvelous tits?"

… before calmly turning his attention to his tea tray.

The horrified Uchiha ladies in the room promptly turned a startling shade of crimson, while their clan head exhaled deeply and looked heavenward. The Uchiha heir's famously stony visage remained as impassive as ever, but for the near imperceptible thinning of his lips.

Their Hokage, however, wasn't affected in the least. After all, Senju Tsunade was a warrior – a legendary Sannin bearing the strength of a hundred seal, and the most infamous gambling addict the village had ever produced.

In other words, she was a bad bitch that had seen some shit in her day, and some old fart with loose screws wasn't going to rattle her. Besides, she'd heard far worse from fellow drunks at pachinko parlors before, so really, this was nothing.

With a snide grimace and a slam of the shoji door with enough force to crack the frame, the Godaime swiftly left Madara's villa and stomped over to the main house, where she was fully expecting to be served the good stuff for her troubles.

Fugaku didn't disappoint.

Once the Hokage was respectfully ushered into the formal reception room, Mikoto and her future daughter-in-law faithfully brought in a tray of obscenely expensive sakes from Bird Country.

Tsunade's eyes gleamed with approval, to everyone's silent relief. As the Godaime took her first sip, she took a moment to savor the alcohol's exceptional flavor before getting down to business. She nodded to her ANBU Vice-Commander, who tilted his head in understanding and seamlessly cast a silencing jutsu on the room.

Large honey colored orbs sharpened as she addressed the clan head and his matriarch.

"So, you should know that his body's cells are at the tail end of their final mitosis."

Mikoto looked on anxiously. "What exactly does that mean, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade took another leisurely sip before she continued.

"Human cells only have the capacity to regenerate so many times. While Ojii-sama's life force may have prompted Madara's cells to trigger continual cycles of mitosis, they can't divide themselves any more. All of our testing indicates that his body's tissues and organs have undergone their last regenerative cycle."

"Finally," Fugaku muttered, drawing a disapproving 'tsk' from his wife.

His heir calmly interposed. "And what may we expect of his ongoing physical and cognitive condition, given this development?"

The Hokage sighed. "Nothing different, really. The synapses in his brain are what they are at this point. As you know, this condition has never had any effect on the neural pathways that impact his relative awareness, memory loss, etc. He'll remain cognitively impaired until the end. And physically, it's a miracle he's been able to live with the unnatural strain his body's cells have undergone all these years. Even though he'll never admit it, without his meds, he'd be suffering. And he'll continue suffering from the same chronic pain and discomfort he's living with now until he passes."

"And when will that be?"

Izumi's eyebrows shot up at her future father-in-law's blunt questioning, but their Hokage didn't miss a beat.

"A bit eager are we, Uchiha-dono?" She snorted and decided to hell with appearances, as she liberally poured herself another generous serving of sake.

"Look, I get it. He's a pill. But the fact is, that he shouldn't be treated differently than any other hospice patient requiring end-of-life care."

Before Fugaku could interject, Tsunade raised one of her perfectly manicured fingers. "And no, I don't give a rat's ass what your elders have to say. I'm not going to repeat myself again: his chronic pain is no excuse to even consider any sort of assisted suicide measures without his fully cognitive consent, especially if the pain can be managed with treatment and medication. There's a shit ton of ethical boundaries that a consideration like that would compromise, and I won't have it. Not in my village."

Narrowing her eyes at both current and future clan heads this time, she continued pointedly, "Everyone in this village matters. Ornery nutjob or not, his right to life is no less valid than yours or mine."

With that forceful declaration, the Godaime made it crystal clear that those were her last words on this particular subject. Redirecting the conversation with a bit more levity, she quipped,

"So, what did you do with him during Pein's attack?"

Mikoto responded with a shake of her head. "He was escorted to the clan's underground bunker, along with the rest of our children and elderly. We told him his presence was required for a meeting… that he needed to preside over."

Tsunade chuckled, while Fugaku rolled his eyes.

"And your youngest - how are his eyes?"

Mikoto nodded, this time with a soft smile. "Very well, we think. The pain from activating the Mangekyou seems to have all but dissipated. And my Danna and our eldest have not had such clear vision without discomfort in years."

While Fugaku didn't speak, he did grunt in acquiescence.

Tsunade nodded. "Good. It's not just about your kekkei genkai; I've told Hyuuga-dono the same thing. It's about preserving your baseline vision. See to it that everyone continues their regular appointments with Sakura."

Itachi spoke up. "If I may, Hokage-sama. How is it that Sakura-san has been able to reverse the damage sustained to our eyes to this extent? She explained that the treatment she rendered was based upon pre-existing research on our doujutsu, but we have never been able to achieve results of this caliber before through treatment alone."

Tsunade flippantly waved a hand as she helped herself to more sake. "Simple. At this point, her chakra control is better than mine. It's true that the treatment for the kind of eye strain caused by overuse of the Sharingan is well established; it's just that now, she's able to refine her chakra to the point where she can actually differentiate each scorched nerve in the optic bundle and heal damaged fibers internally instead of simply alleviating external inflammation."

Fugaku's eyes subtly widened at this. Is that what Sasuke's little pink haired girlfriend was doing?

His heir murmured, deep in thought, "But, such a thing should be theoretically impossible."

Tsunade shrugged. "So should arresting the systemic breakdown of proteins in the body caused by artificial mutations of select iron compounds, but she managed to do that too, didn't she? It's how she saved the Kazekage's brother… what's his name? The one with the silly face paint or make up… whatever you call it."

Itachi sighed. "Kankuro-dono."

The Hokage's amber eyes brightened with recollection. "Ah yes, that's it."

Mikoto gazed at her husband with a slightly startled expression, while her future daughter-in-law looked on with unmuted awe at what they were all hearing.

"At any rate, back to Madara. I suggest your clan make the necessary preparations. He's at the end of his rope, and usually I'd tell you to keep him comfortable in the meantime… But he seems to have a pretty good handle on that already."

Tsunade cackled with amusement at her own comment, to Fugaku's chagrin. The sheer cost of upkeep required for Mikoto's great-grandfather's lavish one-man household was a source of constant bickering and angst amongst the clan elders.

While he may not have had any awareness regarding his physical or mental condition, or even the current time and place in which he was living – Madara was still Madara, which meant he demanded everything at the height of opulence. The very best accommodations, elaborate formal dining arrangements, a ceremonial tea service prepared twice a day, the maintenance of his extensive personal koi ponds, private training grounds, and all of the other luxuries and services he had enjoyed while he was clan head. His beloved falconry alone cost the clan coffers tens of thousands of ryou per month.

Fugaku grimaced at the thought.

The Godaime tapped the side of her sake bottle as she considered her earlier exchange with the elderly troublemaker.

"It's interesting what he remembers and doesn't remember on any given day. At his last physical, he affectionately recognized me as 'Hashi's brat' and also referred to me once as 'omago-sama'. But I don't think he had a clue who I was this time around… Probably wouldn't have said another word if it wasn't for my tits." Tsunade mused as she took another long sip of her drink, while Mikoto and her husband both choked on air. If the Hokage noticed the corners of Izumi's lips twitch up, she didn't mention it.

With that, the illustrious Godaime chugged the last of her sake straight from the bottle like the badass she was and decided it was time to end her visit. Comfortably buzzed, she left the Uchiha main house nodding to herself.

She was admittedly impressed. If this was the quality of stuff Fugaku kept in his personal stash, she could only imagine what he was going to bust out for the upcoming wedding of his firstborn. Rubbing her hands gleefully, Tsunade told herself there was no way in hell she was going to miss that boy's reception, no matter what buzzkill Shizune had to say about it.