She only meant to comfort him.
Leonardo had been so down after the beating he had received at the Shredder's hands. His swords gone, his body battered, his spirit broken.
He was spending hours alone in the barn. Though Master Splinter was obviously concerned, he did not try to push things with his oldest son.
Despite the fact that his father appeared willing to allow Leonardo to work things out for himself, April worried. As it was, the oldest turtle brother had a tendency to internalize his feelings and April didn't believe that this prolonged brooding was doing him any good.
Food was usually a good excuse for starting a conversation, so April prepared a couple of sandwiches and a thermos filled with hot tea. After pulling on her jacket, April left the house through the back door so that she wouldn't be bothered with questions from the others.
There was a fire going in the blacksmith forge inside the barn. It provided a comfortable warmth to a place that would otherwise be drafty.
It took her a moment to locate the young turtle. He was in a shadowed corner of the barn, staring at a pile of junk metal.
"Leo?" April called out softly. In the past she knew he would have been aware of her presence, but in his present state of mind, he might not have heard her come in.
"I'm not good company right now, April," Leonardo responded.
She had never heard him sound so down. Something inside of her stirred; some instinct older than time made her move forward despite the dismissive tone in his voice.
"I brought you something to eat and tea just the way you like it," April said, approaching the turtle.
"Thank you, but I'm not hungry," Leonardo said.
"When was the last time you ate?" April asked. "You'll heal faster if you provide your body with nourishment."
"What's the point?" Leonardo asked, sounding dejected.
April put the plate and thermos down on the anvil. Facing him, she said, "The point is that you have friends and family who care about you and want you to get better. We need for you to care about yourself too, Leo."
All she received for her words was a growl of frustration. It seemed clear that he thought he could wait her out and that she'd give up and leave. Leonardo really should have known her better than that.
The night that Leonardo had been flung through her window, battered and broken, had been the worst of her life. She loved all of the turtles as if they were her own family, but Leonardo had a special place in her heart.
April had never admitted that to anyone; not to Leonardo, or Master Splinter, or Casey Jones; not even to herself. It was only when he lay at her feet, his body bruised and bloody, did she realize how deeply she felt for him.
Getting him out of the apartment alive was all April could think about that night. When Hun had menaced Leonardo, April was prepared to die to save him. She hadn't even had to think about it.
There was something so pure and good about Leonardo, something that touched at the core of April's being. He was devoted and dedicated, honorable and honest. She loved his qualities but his youth and inexperience, not to mention the other differences between them, kept her silent and unwilling to act on her feelings.
Seeing him like this; so unsure of himself and so dejected, made some of walls April had erected crumble. Whatever damage Shredder and his goons had done to Leonardo's soul needed to be mended, no matter what it took.
"Leo, I know you've been through a harrowing experience," April said, her tone gentle. "Why don't you talk to me about what's bothering you. Just speaking your thoughts out loud can be helpful."
"You want me to talk about how I let everyone down?" Leonardo asked, sounding angry. "I . . . I just can't."
April moved closer, stopping only when she was inside the shadows with him. "You can stand here in the dark and in your head replay everything that happened, but that won't change anything. Don't you think I haven't done that a few times in my life? It's not productive or good for you."
"I'll bet one of those times you wish you could change was meeting us," Leonardo said, looking forlorn.
"It's not," April snapped, the harsh note causing Leonardo to finally look at her. "Meeting you guys is by far the best thing that's ever happened to me." Her voice softened. "Meeting you has been the best thing."
Leonardo's brow knit. "You put yourself in danger protecting me, April. Hun would have beaten you or . . . or worse. How could I have lived with that?"
"Obviously you didn't have to," April replied firmly. "It wasn't your choice or your responsibility anyway. I'm my own person and I get to decide who I lay my life on the line for. It just so happens I believe that saving you is worth any sacrifice."
"I don't know how . . . ." Leonardo paused as he thought how to respond. "How do I answer that? You have to know I feel the same way. But it's because of us – because of me – that you've lost your shop and your home."
"Those things can be rebuilt," April said. "Home is in here." She reached out and placed her hand on his chest. "Love is in here. It's the only thing that really matters."
"But I can't stop replaying that night in my head," Leonardo told her.
"That's because it was a traumatic event," April said. "It's normal, Leo. It can be healthy too, if it helps you acknowledge that you experienced and survived something harrowing. What isn't healthy is wallowing in regrets and spending hours trying to figure out what you could have done differently."
"They were hunting us," Leonardo said, his teeth clenched. April saw his body stiffen and his hands tighten into fists. "I knew that. It's why we were staying with you. I shouldn't have gone out; I shouldn't have led them back to your home. I should have listened to Master Splinter when he told me to be patient. I didn't listen though, I let my curiosity get the better of me and went near our lair. That's how they found me. All of this, everything that happened to us, to you, is my fault!"
April quickly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around the turtle. She could feel him shaking against her and it broke her heart.
"It's not your fault for wanting to take back some control of your own life," April said, pressing her cheek against his. "None of us blames you for anything, Leo. The blame lies with Shredder. He is evil and if history has shown us anything, it's that good always wins out." She leaned back just enough to look into his face. "But only if those of us who have right on our sides don't quit."
She could see from Leonardo's expression that he had been needing someone to say these things to him.
"I don't want to be a quitter," Leonardo said. "I don't know how to get this stuff out of my head."
April didn't have any conscious thought about wanting to kiss him, it just happened. It wasn't a sisterly type kiss either; April planted her lips squarely atop his.
Leonardo was stunned to immobility for a moment and then he put his good arm around her waist and responded. Though he was inexperienced, he caught on quickly when April probed at his lips with her tongue.
The kiss was different in more ways than one for April. Physically, his mouth and tongue were wider than that of a human's. Adjusting to that was easy enough. It was the way the heat blossomed in her chest and nether regions that took April by surprise. She'd never experienced the onset of those physiological reactions so quickly.
It was Leonardo who came to his senses first. Breaking the kiss, he slowly extricated himself from her hold.
"April." Leonardo closed his eyes and cleared his throat before taking a deep breath and looking at her again. "We shouldn't. Not that I don't want to, but I'm not . . . whole. And then there's Casey."
"I know," April said. "You have all the experiences and responsibilities of a forty year old and that makes me forget sometimes that you're just a teenager. And Casey . . . I don't know what I have with him, but it could be something."
"Something that you and I can't have," Leonardo said. For the first time in days April saw a small smile lift the corners of his mouth. "It's okay though."
"Do you . . . want to come inside?" April asked.
Leonardo looked down at the ground, the serious expression creeping back onto his face. He shook his head before looking up again. "I think . . . not yet." He touched his chest. "There's a piece in here that I have to fix, but I don't know what that is. I'm not going to find it in the house while I'm surrounded by the sounds of . . . normalcy."
April thought she understood. "You have to focus on yourself." She started towards the door and then stopped to look at him again. "You aren't alone, you know. Whatever is eluding you and keeping you from finding peace with yourself again, it might be that one of your brothers can find it for you. If one of them comes in here and wants to help, be open to them, okay?"
"I will," Leonardo promised as he walked out of the shadows.
He was opening the thermos of tea as April left the barn. Maybe she hadn't fully succeeded him helping him find his way, but she felt as if she had met her goal of comforting him, if only a little.
April had also managed to find comfort for herself as well. Leonardo had that gift, one he probably wasn't even aware of.
Maybe when he was older he would understand. April hoped she'd still be a part of his life whenever he did.