A/N: Hi there! This is my very first try at fanfiction. It's a oneshot, the ending is a bit of a cliché, and I'm probably not making sense as it's nearly 3 in the morning, but I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think!
Set after Beast's Obsession.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Dick Wolf does.
"I'm fine, guys, you don't have to walk me up. I can handle it," she said, but she wasn't really sure if she could handle it anymore. She thought she was fine, she thought she was getting over Lewis, but now she's not so sure anymore. She thought he got to her the first time, but this time, she really knows his face will be in her mind forever, she'll never forget his hands violating her, or how his warm, sticky blood felt on her face. She thought she was going to die there, die looking inside his cold eyes, and she realises she actually wishes he had shot her. Atleast then it would be over, she wouldn't have to think about him again.
"This is the last thing you're going to think about when you die. The last thing you're going to see."
"Call me if you need anything, Liv," Nick called after her, and she heard Fin adding a 'take care' before the door shut behind her. She made her way upstairs, up to the cold, empty flat she knew would be greeting her. She fumbled for her keys as she made her way to the door. As she turned the key in the lock, a silhoutte approached her. Panic washed over her when she realised the didn't have her gun, because damn it, he was dead and she was alone, who the hell would be here at one in the morning?
"They might have hopes, dreams - before they meet me. But then...then they run into me, and life as they knew it is gone. Well, you'll know, right? They could be getting out of a car, opening a door, might just hear a sound...and still you think of me."
"Liv..." Her heart skipped a beat. It had been nearly three years, but she could still recognise his voice. Fucking bastard, she thought, daring to come here after that long. Ignoring him, she went inside, but the son of a bitch pushed his way in before she could close the door. She sat on the couch, not even bothering to look at him.
"Olivia, I'm so s-" he started, but she wasn't going to let him do that, he wasn't going to get away with it.
"You left me." Her voice was thick with emotion, he couldn't tell if it was anger or grief. Perhaps a mixture of the two. He had always been able to read her, but not now.
"I know. I'm so sorry. I saw... I saw what happened on the news. I wanted to check on you. I wanted to see that you were alive with my own eyes. I want you to know I'm here for you." He stated calmly, leaning against the closed door.
"No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to walk into my life again, you don't get to play the white knight in shining armour. You can't save me Elliot, no one can." The woman rose up from the couch, wanting to distance herself as much as possible.
"That's not what I meant. I want to have you in my life again. I know you've been through a lot, and I want to help you. You were my partner, Liv, for better or for worse," he said in a low voice. When the woman in front of him let out a throaty laugh, he was startled.
"This is exactly it. I want you in my life again. It's always been about you. I spent twelve years cleaning up your shit. I didn't think twice about putting my career on the line, hell, I didn't even think twice about risking my life for you. Everything I did was for you. And after more than a decade, you just walk away without as much as a goodbye." The sound of liquid being poured into a glass was the only thing filling the room, apart from her ragged breathing. Shortly after she returned with a glass of wine, still not making eye contact as she sat back down.
"Liv, I, fuck, I don't know what to say. What do you want me to say?! I shot a fucking kid. You have no idea what that feels like. Taking an innocent life of someone who were supposed to have so many years left... I couldn't take it," he spat back, rubbing his hand over his mouth. It came out rougher than he intended, but shit, she didn't know what it was like for him.
"You know what, El? You're right." That name on her tongue felt so strange, yet so familiar. "I don't know what it's like. But you could've atleast returned my calls. Hell, I'd be happy to even get a text from you, but no, that was too hard. And now you just come waltzing in, expecting me to forgive you, expecting me to understand. You can leave again then, because that's not going to happen. I'm not who I used to be. Where were you the first time? Too busy with you wife and kids? You should get home, they're probably worried." Her voice was tired, defeated, but not in the way he remembered it to be after a bad case. She sounded so broken. So unlike the Olivia Benson he used to know.
"You've gotta understand, Liv, I was in such a dark place... I- All I can do is apologise. I'd do anything in the world to change it, to not just leave you like that. You deserved better. You still do. I cannot make it up to you, no matter what I do, but I promise you I'm here for good this time. I miss you. I'm so sorry."
"What's that look? You feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again? Mom, Dad, boyfriend? No, huh, someone else... Someone who you'd give anything just to see one more time. You're going to cry his name out at some point... They always do."
The hurt and regret in his voice was apparent, and Olivia knew he meant it. He almost never let himself go, never let down his façade, but now he was almost pleading. She took a big gulp of her wine. Her voice was barely audible:
"Y-You know, when he had me the first time... I wantd you there. He kept taunting me, asking if I was thinking about someone I would never see again. He could see right through me... I didn't think about Brian, or my partner, or my mother... I thought about you. I wanted you so badly to save me. But you weren't there..."
Her breath hitched and she started to shake slightly. It felt like a punch to the stomach, all the air left his lungs. She was crying in front of him. She never cried. She was crying and he couldn't save her, so he did the next best he could think of. He sat down next to her, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into an embrace.
And she let him. She allowed his arms to engulf her, she allowed the warmth of his body to soak into her cold bones. This was all it could ever have been and ever be, because he was Elliot and she was Olivia, but for now, she let herself dissapear in his arms.