Misa
Self Forgetting
I am the girl who smiles for the camera and waves at the paparazzi. I am the girl who dresses in gothic clothes and wears heavy makeup. I am the girl who dies her hair blonde and wears blue contacts. I am the girl who's dating the smartest and hottest man in Japan. I am the girl who giggles and greets you with a, "Hello! I'm Misa Misa! Misa Misa hopes we can be best friends!" I am the girl who listens to bubblegum pop music and spends hours dedicating herself to her fans. I am the girl who is always right. I am the girl who is creating a perfect world to rule with her perfect boyfriend. I am the girl who is perfect.
But I am also the girl who hides. I am the girl that longs for solitude. I am the girl that cringes from the flashing bulbs and attention. I am the girl whose fake smile has grown so flawless no one can tell when I'm sad. I am the girl who doesn't want to recognize herself in the mirror. I am the girl who pursues a man I know doesn't love me. I am the girl who can longer say the word "I", because I don't exist. I am the girl who listens to heavy metal and screamo. I am the girl who is terrified of all the clones trying to become "me." I am the girl who sits with a knife in her shaking hand as I hold it above my wrist never cutting, just waiting. I am the girl who is wrong. I am the girl that flinches at all the murders I committed in cold blood. I am the girl who is cracked and shattered. I am the girl who is only a fraction of what I once was. I am Misa Amane and I wear the mask of self forgetting.
I wasn't always what I am now. A ditzy blonde. A figure head created by the media. An idol. A murderer. I used to be normal. I had a family. I got good grades. Boys teased me. I was quiet and sweet. I obeyed my parents. I was happy.
Then they were killed. It was very simple. A man came in thinking no one was home. He had a gun. My mother screamed. He shot her. She died. My father's death quickly followed. I hid in my room terrified, peering through the crack of the door as red blood pooled around their lifeless dead bodies. Such a pretty color. The same color I paint on my lips.
The police came shortly after. I was kneeling on the floor besides my parents. Their blood stained my hands as I shook them. Their mouths were open. What would they have said? I love you? Their eyes were glazed over. What would they have seen? My tear stained face? It was then I had to stop being me.
I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be known. So I changed. I watched the flirty clueless stars on the TV and I imitated them. A smile there. A hair toss there. I began speaking in cutesy third person. I wore outlandish clothing so I would get noticed. And it worked. I wasn't Misa Amane anymore; I was Misa Misa the pop idol. Misa Misa's parents weren't murdered. Misa Misa wasn't afraid. Misa Misa was untouchable because Misa Misa wasn't real.
Then I was attacked. The man said he loved me despite the shining knife he pointed in my direction. He brandished it towards me asking for acceptance I couldn't give. I was frightened. No, Misa Misa was frightened. She had already given up any semblance of intelligence so how did she know she should have pretended if only to keep her alive until help came? The knife came down on her (or were they mine?) unprotected arms.
The man began to convulse and clutch at his chest. The knife clattered to the ground. He was obviously dead. It was then that I knew Misa Misa had failed. She hadn't kept me safe. I fell to the cold ground sobbing. I was still there when the police came. They comforted me to the best of their abilities and called my manager. I was taken home and my manager told me to get some rest. That I had a very important shoot the next day that I couldn't afford to miss. I wanted to spit in her face. She didn't care.
I went to the bathroom and got out the sleeping tablets. I counted out ten. The amount that would let me dream forever. I kept counting those little pills, over an over again. Each time I was getting closer to convincing myself to swallow them. I filled a glass with water. I put the first pill in mouth and raised the glass to my lips. It was ripped from my hand and fell to the ground, shattering. I felt a light pressure on my head.
A creature stood in front of me. A grotesque creature that was made up of bones and bandages. I wasn't frightened though. I asked if it was there to kill me. I giggled hysterically. I told it I wouldn't mind. In fact, I wouldn't resist at all. It embraced me. I began to sob again.
It told me that its name was Rem and that it was here to help. It gave me a notebook. I was to use it to take revenge in those in my way. I locked it away in a drawer. I wasn't a murderer. Not yet.
The days passed by in a blur. I mostly concentrated on blocking the world out. I was still Misa Misa to the public; I couldn't afford to let her go. I still needed some purpose in the world. Going without one was suicide. But there was something I couldn't avoid. Kira.
The name began popping up more and more and it was clear that they had a Death Note. But they were doing good. They were getting rid of everyone who had frightened me.
Then I learned the man who had killed my parents was going to be released. Still I didn't use my Death Note. I didn't have to. Kira did it for me. It was then my eyes were opened. But maybe the better word would be shut. I ignored the idea that this was wrong. I (or was it Misa Misa?) now knew Kira was justice.
I became obsessed with this man I had never met. The murderer I had convinced myself was a god. No, he was God. And I loved him. I worshipped him. I wanted to be his goddess. So I traded for the eyes. I gave up half my life for the man I was convinced would love me.
I sought him out. I was pleased that he was handsome and lovely. He was kind, though I knew it was false. But Misa Misa didn't know. And if she did, she didn't care. She wanted to be used. No, I wanted to be used. To be able to pretend at least for a little while. And Light was so very good at pretending. I endured torture. I gave up my memories. And when the time came, I gave up half my lifespan again. And then I forgot it all.
Then he betrayed me. He started using someone else. I sought her out too, if only to belittle and sow the seeds of doubt in her mind and put mine to rest. I convinced myself I had won, that he was still mine, though I had never owned him in the first place.
And then what did I have left when it was said and done? Rem was dead. Light was dead. Misa Misa was dead. I was left all alone with only the gaps in my memory and the strange feeling that I had blood on my hands.
What was I to do now? I had given everything to him. Everything to the man who did not love me. To the man who thought himself a God. To the man whose lies fell so naturally from his lips I would have gladly consumed poison if only to hear his honey sweet voice. What was I to do?
I had nothing now. Whether or not everything had been a lie didn't matter. I had nothing. That was why I now stand poised at the edge of a precipice dressed like a doll. That was all I was going to be. A broken doll that had fallen off its shelf. The doll would be mangled beyond repair. But that was alright. The doll didn't want to be fixed.
I stepped over the edge, preparing to indulge in the ultimate act of self forgetting and to fall into the nothingness of Mu, never wanting to remember again.
Careful what you do
Cause God is watching your every move
Hold my hand in the dark street
For if you do then I know I'll be safe
Even if I'm far away and alone
I can be sure that you'll find me there
This I know
You draw me close for a while, so quiet
You tell me everything
If I forget what you say
Than you'll come to me and tell me again
Yes you'd tell me once again
But what happens when
I know it all?
Than what should I do, after that,
What then?
A/N: This is the first of nine drabbles I'm going to do featuring masks that the Death Note characters wear. I actually like the idea that Misa and Misa Misa are two different people like Light and Kira are two separate people. I like this Misa much better. She's much more tentative and was very patient while waiting for me to get around and do this. Matt was much more impatient when I wrote Bonds of Brotherhood. He made me mess up several times during swim practice because he was ranting. So it'll be a while before I update because this is just a side project. My main goal is still Survivor, so be patient. The other characters I'm including are L, Light, Near, Matt, Mello, Matsuda, Sayu, and Ryuk.