A/N: This is crack. Complete crack. Don't take the gaping plot holes seriously.
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It's Artemis Fowl the Second for a Reason
by SilverMoonGrimm
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"NOW GIVE ME ARTEMIS FOWL!" Opal's voice boomed through the office building. Artemis sat quietly, assessing the situation and plotting his course of action while the people around him panicked.
The various billionaires and CEO's that had previously been discussing trades and deals calmly, now were jamming their fingers onto their now-useless phones, trying in vain to contact the police and their personal security teams. Eventually someone had the oh-so-bright idea to grab one of the Artemis Fowls in the room.
Fortunately, The younger Artemis was doing a good job of camouflaging with the wall. His father was less lucky. He tried avoiding the over-wrought mob of people, but there were too many, and they were too frantic. Butler couldn't do anything without potentially harming the business men, which would only have led to them panicking more.
Butler hated when people panicked. Too many variables. Too hard to protect Artemis. People do crazy things when they panicked. Such as screaming to the ceiling that they had Artemis and asking the sky-voice to leave them alone.
"SILENCE!" Opal cried. The screaming ceased. Artemis switched on his communicator to hopefully alert Holly to the situation. "NOW. I WILL SEND TWO OF MY MEN IN AND IF THEY DO NOT COME OUT WITH ARTEMIS FOWL, I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING!"
Like she wouldn't kill everyone even if they did hand Artemis over.
"Which Artemis Fowl?" Someone finally thought to ask, noticing Arty hiding in the back of the room behind Butler.
There was a long pause, and Artemis wondered if she had even heard, when-
"NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! OF COURSE, ARTEMIS, YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE TO ONE-UP ME! THE SECOND I CREATE A CLONE, YOU MAKE A FULLY FUNCTIONING ONE THAT CAN PROBABLY TALK! WELL, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MINE COULD HAVE EASILY MATCHED YOURS IF-"
"Hold up. You hear that there's two Artemis Fowls in a building, and you immediately assume I cloned myself?" He couldn't help but grin. "What did you think Artemis Fowl the Second meant?"
"I just assumed it was my minions reassuring me that you were second. You know, that I was Opal the First, as in the most intelligent being in existence, and you were Artemis the Second, always attempting to match me, but ultimately doomed to fail."
"That makes no sense."
"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE! I AM RIGHT, AS ALWAYS, AND-" Unfortunately for Opal, Artemis had managed to distract her just long enough for Holly and a couple other LEP agents to sneak in behind her. "ARGHHH! I'LL GET YOU! BY FROND, I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY!"
Crisis avoided, Artemis relaxed. At least until he noticed the rest of the room, glaring at him in a mixture of annoyance, confusion, and fury. Not to mention his shell-shocked father.
"Artemis?"
This was going to be fun to explain.
fin.