Author's Note:
The timeframe for this story is after 8x21. I always felt there was more to the 'jealousy' conversation that happened in the lab that day. This is my take on what happened later that night.
This is actually the first story I ever wrote for Miami & E/C. It's been constantly evolving, and I had issues releasing it to the big world out there. The chapters of my other story, that I started much later, "Change Of Hearts," made it easier to tweak and post before I let this one go. Now I think I finally got this one where I wanted it, though, and since "COH" is still traveling on a path of angst, I figured I owed a bit of romance to the E/C fans who've been kind enough to follow my writing. "COH" will get there too, eventually...but in the mean time, here's some HAPPY Eric & Calleigh times!
~Jen
Unexpected Catharsis
The ride home from Crosby's was uncharacteristically quiet. Calleigh had known on the drive over to the pub – a favorite after work gathering place of the CSI's – that there was something on Eric's mind. She'd asked him then if everything was all right. Eric had simply reached over the center console and taken hold of Calleigh's hand, squeezed it tenderly, given her a sweet smile and assured her that he was fine, maybe just a bit tired.
Calleigh recognized avoidance when she saw it, but they had almost arrived at their destination and she knew if she pushed the issue any further she threatened ruining his mood for the evening. This wasn't something she was willing to do, so she held onto his hand and gently squeezed it back – a silent offering of her support and understanding. She would figure it out, now just wasn't the time. As he pulled the car into the lot across the street from Crosby's, Eric turned to kiss her and she gladly reciprocated, and with that they exited the car, joined hands and walked across the street to join their friends.
/EC/
Gosh, she had missed this. Looking around the booth they were seated in, Calleigh couldn't help but smile at all the playful banter being tossed around. It seemed like the recent drama of all of their lives had gotten in the way of them being able to truly enjoy their friendships – because although they were all colleagues and co-workers, they were all friends as well. And here they were, all relaxed and happy and laughing. As she glanced around at her friends, Calleigh decided that yes…they definitely needed to do this more often.
Eric and Ryan sat playfully arguing about whether the Dolphins or the Patriots were going to have the better football team this year. It warmed Calleigh's heart to see the friendship that had developed between the two. They'd had a rocky start, what with Eric feeling that Ryan was an inept replacement for his fallen best friend, and with Ryan being a tad over-eager to please his supervisors – in particular the beautiful blonde who took on the role of his mentor. The men had had their run-ins, but they'd also proven over the years that regardless of their early issues, they'd have each other's backs, no matter what. Calleigh smiled and informed them both with a wink that it didn't matter what Miami or New England did, because the Saints would no doubt repeat their championship this year.
Across the table, Jesse was sharing with Walter his memories of a young and eager Calleigh and her first day on the job at MDPD. Jesse laughed when he recalled the gender discriminating comments that his then co-workers had thrown her way that day. Walter's eyes shot open wide at the thought that anyone had survived making such remarks about the petite-but-all-business ballistics expert who was currently seated before him. Surely, everyone agreed, that the offending officers had experienced a stroke of good luck that day. Everyone who knew her was aware that anyone attempting to make such remarks now would face the wrath of Calleigh, but back then…well, it wouldn't have made a good impression on her first day if she'd taken out a co-worker.
Eric looked at the woman sitting next to him and tried to comprehend how anyone could ever underestimate her strength and her capabilities. A wave of pride and protectiveness washed over him and he slid his hand onto Calleigh's knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. She glanced up at him, slightly embarrassed about being at the center of this topic. But one look at the adoration in his eyes and she graced him with a radiant smile – his smile – and all her embarrassment suddenly dissipated.
Eric's under-the-table gesture went unnoticed by most of the crew gathered in the large circular booth. All, that is, except for MDPD's resident gossip, Maxine Valera. Seated on the opposite side of Calleigh, Maxine immediately caught sight of the intimate way Eric's hand had slid onto her friend's leg. She also noticed the way that Calleigh easily melted into the man's touch. Maxine had been nagging Calleigh all evening – begging her to share even just a few details of what she knew had to be a hot, steamy, gossip-worthy romance. Maxine leaned in towards Calleigh, nodded her head toward the hand still rested on her knee, and looked at her co-worker with the most pathetically pleading eyes Calleigh had ever seen. Calleigh laughed, but didn't budge. All she offered the DNA analyst was a shake of her head and a playful roll of her eyes. Maxine sat back in her seat with an award-winning pout, thoroughly disappointed that she couldn't get even a morsel of 'scoop' about the couple next to her. "Someday…" she thought to herself, "someday I'll crack them!"
Calleigh giggled at Max's little temper tantrum. While she knew that her relationship with Eric was no secret to their co-workers, it was also not something they flaunted in public either. Since Eric had left CSI, they'd stopped trying to hide their relationship from everyone. It's not like they'd been all that successful at it anyway. It was pretty damn near impossible for them to look at each other and not reveal their feelings for one another. But Calleigh was a private person, and so there would not be public displays of affection, especially around people they knew who might be inclined to spread gossip. Therefore at work they were nothing less than professional, and out with colleagues they settled for whispered words of affection, covert gestures and meaningful glances. Not that either of them really felt like they were settling for any of those things. They both seemed to revel in the fact that they sort of had their own little world – one in which only they existed - a world that others might get to glance at from afar, but would never get to be part of. It was simply their place, and for Calleigh, there was no place else she'd rather be.
/EC/
A few hours and a few rounds later, and the stories and laughter continued to flow. Though no one else noticed, Calleigh could tell that Eric was still not 'Eric.' He seemed to be enjoying the chance to catch up with his friends, but Calleigh was more interested in 'catching up' on what was bothering her boyfriend. So with that in mind, she leaned into Eric, gave him her best 'puppy dog' eyes, and whispered that she was starting to get tired. Just as she knew it would, her plan worked perfectly. Eric's concern for Calleigh's well being was always foremost in his mind, so within minutes they'd politely excused themselves from the gathering, said goodbyes with promises to get together again soon, and they were on their way.
Eric was surprised when Calleigh grabbed his hand and laced her fingers through his as soon as they had walked away from the table. She usually waited until they were out of the line of sight of any of their colleagues before engaging in such a gesture. But when he looked down at her, and discovered a diabolical grin plastered on her face, he knew. Calleigh was tossing Valera a bone, one he knew the woman had been digging for all evening. Without a word, Eric lifted their joined hands and placed a slow kiss on Calleigh's knuckles, delighting in the sparkle that he found dancing in her eyes as he did so. Hands back at their sides but still connected, they exited the pub, both dissolving into a fit of giggles once the door closed behind them and they were out of earshot. Firmly ensconced in that little world of theirs, they made their way back to Eric's car, and set off for home.
Calleigh let silence prevail on the ride back to her house. She knew that getting Eric to admit to what was on his mind was not going to be easy. He was, after all, just as stubborn as she was. It was probably safer for the both of them to wait to start this discussion at home, when he wasn't behind the wheel of a car and she could have his full attention. Calleigh was content to enjoy the quiet ride, her left hand securely entwined in Eric's right, and contemplate how she was going to broach this conversation later.
/EC/
The ride was a short one, and before long Calleigh and Eric were wrapped up in their now familiar evening routines. Eric made a lap around the house to make sure everything was locked, secure and in order before heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Calleigh set out her clothes for the morning, set the alarm, and then followed Eric to take her turn in the bathroom. Now she stood leaning against the bathroom doorframe - face freshly washed and make-up free, hair secured in a loose ponytail - and gazed over at the man she was in love with. He sat propped up against the headboard on his side of the bed reading one of Calleigh's forensic journals. The corners of her mouth inched up into a heartfelt smile as she observed Eric, all comfortable and handsome in her bed…their bed. It had taken them so long to get here, and Calleigh still from time to time suffered twinges of regret for having wasted so much precious time. But now was not the time for that, so she shook off those feelings, setting her sights on Eric. She was a woman on a mission, and that mission began now.
Calleigh approached the bed, and Eric looked up from his magazine immediately offering her a warm smile. It always amazed her how with one look he could make her feel so amazing, beautiful, special…like she was the only woman in the world. And standing there in a ratty old pair of sleep shorts and a tank top, she realized he'd done it again. Putting the magazine down on his nightstand, Eric slid down a little on the bed and opened his arms to her, an invitation that she gladly accepted. Cuddled next to him with her head rested on his shoulder, arm draped across his bare chest, and hand resting over his heart, she relaxed. They lay for a few moments in silence, listening to each other breathe, enjoying the warmth of being in each other's arms. Calleigh was absentmindedly playing with the frayed ends of the tie at the waist of Eric's pajama bottoms – just enough distraction to finally work up the nerve to start this conversation.
"Eric?"
"Hmmm?" he mumbled sleepily.
"You know I love you, right?"
"Of course I do, but I never mind hearing you say it." Eric bent down and placed a lingering kiss on the top of Calleigh's head. She turned to look up at him, resting her chin on his chest and looking into the deep pools of brown she found lovingly gazing back at her.
"So…will you talk to me?"
"About what, babe?"
"Eric, come on. I know something's bothering you. You might be able to hide it from everyone else, but this is me. Tell me what's wrong."
Eric shifted slightly, unease beginning to flow through his veins. "There's nothing wrong, Cal. I'm just a little tired…"
"Eric," she softly interrupted him, "Is this about Jake?"
His whole body tensed immediately, and Calleigh knew she'd hit the nail on the head. He was jealous of Jake. She had seen it in his eyes today when she'd told him that she had taken Jake to the hospital. At the time, they'd both laughed it off, but she could see now that Eric was more hurt than he had let on. This was going to be a problem, because if Jake was going to possibly stick around, she and Eric couldn't live with that jealousy hovering between them. This problem would be handled now, because Calleigh had no intention of letting anything come between she and Eric now, not after what they'd gone through to finally get to where they were.
Before he had a chance to reply, Calleigh gently palmed his face, turning him to look at her, and with every bit of adoration she could muster, looked him in the eyes and murmured softly, "Eric, you know there's absolutely no need for you to be jealous of Jake."
Eric avoided her gaze and quickly sat up, completely flustered. He swung his legs off the bed, leaning over to rest his head in his hands. He was frustrated with himself for letting Calleigh see his issues, his fears. "Cal, I'm not…it's okay really. Nothing's wrong."
"Well, that's a load of crap!" she said with a hint of sarcasm.
He peered over his shoulder at her and wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. He knew that she was absolutely right. But that still didn't mean he wanted to do this now. "Cal, I'll be fine, really. Can we just not have this conversation now?"
Calleigh sat up and moved closer to him. She rested her hands on his muscular shoulders and laid her head on his back. Little did he know that she was using the gesture as means to draw some strength from him; strength she felt she needed to say what she needed to say. It was true, Eric had helped to break down many of her emotional walls, but discussing her feelings and emotions was still difficult for Calleigh. With a soft kiss to his shoulder blade, and then another, she began quietly. "No, Eric. We do need to have this conversation now. We need to talk. I need to talk. I need to apologize, because I've been doing something wrong."
Eric turned to her with the most incredulous look on his face. What on earth could she be doing wrong? Did it have to do with Jake? Could she be…NO! He wouldn't let himself go there. She wouldn't hurt him like that. But he was still confused. What did she mean?
Calleigh recognized the panic in his eyes, and began immediately, not wanting him to feel hurt any longer. "Eric, you're absolutely amazing. What we have is amazing. When you look at me, your eyes are so full of love, and I feel like I'm the only woman in the world." Calleigh wrapped an arm around his middle, and he grabbed her hand, linked their fingers together and held on tight as he listened to her. "I don't know if you realize how often women stare at you, ogle you. But they do, all the time! In the beginning, it bothered me…I felt like I needed to step in to lay claim to my man." Eric chuckled at the thought of a jealous and over-possessive Calleigh. She just shook her head, knowing herself how ridiculous it sounded. "But I don't worry any more, Eric, because never once have you given me reason to believe that you even know those women exist. I have not a single doubt about your feelings for me. You give me no reason, ever, to have doubt, and that means more to me than you could ever know." Eric's heart fluttered at her confession.
Calleigh paused a moment, placing another light kiss on his shoulder and lingering there while she composed herself. She quietly continued, "I'm not sure what, but I've obviously been doing something wrong. I know I'm not good with this whole 'expressing emotions' thing, but I know I need to get better because I don't want you to have any doubts either, Eric. I'm here with you. I love you. Jake is a non-issue for us. He's in the past. You and I are what matter. Please don't be jealous of him, because there is honestly no reason to be. Absolutely none. I'm so sorry I haven't made that clear. Please…please don't doubt how I feel about you."
Eric stood from the bed, angry with himself for allowing Calleigh to feel that he didn't trust her. He turned to her and saw the pleading in her eyes, and he couldn't stand it anymore. "Calleigh, it's not you. God, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I don't doubt you, Cal. It was never you." Eric began pacing, trying to find some way to expend the nervous energy coursing through him. "It's just…Jake…everything was perfect till he strolled through the door again."
Calleigh sighed. "Eric, I told you Jake is not an issue anymore. What makes you think that things can't still be perfect?"
"Are you kidding me, Cal?" Eric stopped pacing and looked directly into her eyes. "You DO know that he's still in love with you, right?"
Eric's question threw Calleigh off a bit. She didn't know why, but she wasn't quite expecting that. She hung her head slightly, avoiding his eyes, and answered. "I don't know that Jake was ever really in love with me, Eric. I think he was in love with the idea of being with me, of having me. If he had truly loved me, I wouldn't have taken a backseat to his job…over and over again."
Lord, how he hated that man. Eric couldn't even grasp how Jake could have left her repeatedly in favor of his undercover gig. Eric had loved being a CSI. Having worked for Rebecca Nevins and the State's Attorney recently and finding it thoroughly unsatisfying, he found himself wondering why he ever left CSI to begin with. Though he knew without a doubt, if he were given an ultimatum – a choice between working at CSI (or any job for that matter) or having a life with Calleigh – he wouldn't have to think for a second. No job could ever make him as happy as Calleigh did. Ever.
Eric thought back to earlier that afternoon at the lab. He'd seen Calleigh and Jake speaking together from down the hall. He'd wanted to run to her, wrap his arm possessively around her and let Jake know that he needed to back off. But he'd thought better of it, knowing Calleigh would never appreciate the gesture. He had stood back and watched unnoticed from afar, his blood boiling hotter and hotter as he watched the exchange between the two; watched Jake's wandering eyes. He'd eventually left, not trusting himself to keep his composure if he'd stood there one second longer.
Eric brought himself back to the present, and shrugged his shoulders as he started again. "I was there today, Cal. I saw the way Jake was looking at you. I don't know if it was love, maybe it was lust. But it sure wasn't 'Hey old bud, great to see ya' again!' He was undressing you with his eyes, Calleigh!"
Calleigh couldn't say she hadn't noticed that herself, but she had just shrugged it off. She hadn't realized Eric had seen it, though, and now could understand where his feelings of uneasiness were coming from. She knew without a doubt that if she'd witnessed one of his ex's looking at him like that, her possessive streak would surface also.
His next words drew her away from those unsettling thoughts. "I'm not usually like this Cal, really. I know guys look at you. I'm used to that. You're a beautiful woman, how could they not look. But when they undress you with their eyes, what they see is all in their imagination. I can handle that." He paused, and then his voice went lower. "It's different with Jake." Eric's hands were clenched into fists at the very thought of what he was about to tell her next. "When Jake undresses you with his eyes, what he sees isn't imagined, it's remembered. He's remembering…what you look like, things you did…things he did, to…uhhh…make you happy."
Eric looked everywhere but at her and consciously tried to control his breathing, which had become slightly erratic. His admission floored her, and Calleigh realized that his words were no longer tinged with anger, but with embarrassment. He was ashamed of the way he was feeling and her heart was breaking for him.
Eric, though, wasn't finished yet. "That's what's bothering me, Cal. Maybe it's immature of me, and I've tried to not think about it. But seeing him look at you that way, I just, I can't help it. I hate that he knows what's there, under your clothes. I hate that he's remembering the things he used to do to you, the things you did to each other. I hate that maybe there's things he knows about you, about how to make you happy, and…satisfied…that I don't know. And most of all I hate that I wonder if maybe you miss those things." Eric began pacing again. "When you said you took him to get checked out, I got scared, Calleigh. You have such a history with him, and I don't know how to handle dealing with all the stuff that goes along with that. I don't trust him. I saw how he looked at you, could tell what he was thinking, and I lost it. In my mind, you're MINE, Cal…and I don't want any other man thinking those things about you but ME!"
Calleigh giggled and raised her eyebrow at him, and he knew exactly what she was thinking. "I know, I know…you don't BELONG to anyone. I know how independent you are. You are your own person and that's one of the things I love so much about you. But you are my girlfriend" he quickly supplied.
Eric winced as he said the word 'girlfriend,' causing Calleigh to cross her arms and grumble, "You don't sound very pleased about calling me your girlfriend, Eric." Her facial features softened considerably at his reply. "It's not that Cal. It's just that word – girlfriend – it seems so, I don't know…'high school.' I just don't feel like it expresses how truly important you are to me. It's too casual, and there's nothing casual about the way I feel about you."
She flashed him a coy smile, eyes twinkling with mischief, as she asked him, "So what do you call me, Eric? Your lady friend? Your woman friend? Your hot, sexy lover friend?" She stared at him playfully, and Eric shrugged his shoulders and grinned bashfully. "I don't know, you're just…my Calleigh." If she didn't have a reputation to uphold, Calleigh might have admitted that Eric's innocent declaration had just turned her heart to mush. She reached out and grabbed his hands, squeezing them tightly. "Your Calleigh, huh? I think I'm kinda okay with that."
Eric relaxed a little at her reaction. He took a deep breath, released it and squeezed her hands. "I'm sorry, Cal. I really didn't mean to worry or upset you. I know I can't change the past, and it's childish to dwell on those things when I know how you feel now. It's just, Jake showing up all of a sudden threw me for a loop. All those things I felt about him, well…back then, they all came back and I didn't handle it very well. It's just my own insecurities taking over. I waited so long for you, Cal, and sometimes I'm still so afraid of losing you. I'm just sorry this all happened."
Calleigh wasn't sure how it was possible, but in this moment she realized that she loved Eric even more than before. She envied him in his ability to be so open with his feelings about her. She knew what she had to do to ease his mind, so she sucked up her pride and her own insecurities, and set about to do exactly that.
Eric stood nervously awaiting Calleigh's reaction, hoping she wasn't upset with him about all the things he'd just shared with her. Determined to set his mind at ease, she pulled on his hands to make him sit on the bed once again. "Come here, Eric," she gently whispered as he sat and she sidled up next to him. She faced him, legs crossed, with her thigh resting alongside his. She knew that connection, his skin against hers, would make this easier for her. She leaned in and placed a sweet, soft kiss on his lips, and the look in his eyes as she pulled back assured her that this was all going to be okay.
"Eric, I'm not sorry that this happened," she stated very matter-of-factly. "I think we…no, I think I needed this to make me realize something." Eric's face fell, and she knew his insecurities were allowing him to believe that the beginning of her speech was leading to something he didn't want to hear. She reached her hand out and gently caressed his cheek, her thumb tracing over the outline of his lower lip. "I love you, Eric. You may just be the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I think that sometimes I might take your love for granted. Things are so good, and I go on with my day-to-day life knowing that they're good. You never hesitate to tell me how you feel, but I know I'm more guarded about my feelings. All my life I've bottled my emotions up inside, because I had to. But you, you're teaching me how to open up, how to allow someone else inside. I can never repay you for that. So I'm not sorry about any of this, Eric, because it made me see that there are things I need to tell you; things I probably should have told you a long time ago, because you deserve to know."
Eric stared at her with a look of shock. She'd never been quite this open and honest with him, and he had to admit, he really liked it. He'd tried every day to show her that she could trust him with her heart, and every other part of her. He smiled as he thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd finally succeeded.
Calleigh could see the relief wash over his face, and that gave her another burst of courage to continue. "You're right about one thing, Eric. I do have a history with Jake. A part of me will always care about him; he was too big a part of my life not to. That's why I brought him to the hospital today." She sighed heavily, knowing Eric wouldn't like what she planned to say next. "Jake was my first love, and I can't change that fact, or the fact that he's familiar with me, my body. I can't change the way he looks at me, or alter what he sees when he does." Eric tensed up and looked away from her, his jaw locked in the way it does when he's extremely upset. Calleigh rested her hand on his leg, her thumb moving in what she hoped to be soothing circles meant to help calm him. "We had sex, Eric, and it was good…"
Eric couldn't believe his ears. He felt the sudden urge to flee this situation again, distance himself from Calleigh, but she held him down, not letting him move away from her. "If you thought this would make me feel better, Calleigh, it's not working!" His words came out sharper than he'd meant them to but that didn't deter Calleigh and she made him look at her when she continued. "Just hear me out, okay?" He barely nodded, but she caught it and smiled gently at him as she slid her hands into his again. "Jake and I did have sex. That's what people in relationships do. You did it with plenty of women before me. It's a natural human desire, Eric. And of course it was good…that's why people participate in that particular activity. They don't do it because it doesn't feel good. But what I'm getting at is that with you…Eric it's different."
Eric was failing to see how this particular conversation was supposed to in any way make things better. Not being able to control himself, he huffed, "Oh, so what you're trying to tell me is that with me, it's NOT good?" Calleigh tilted her head and grinned at his outburst. Normally, she might have been annoyed with his immature display, but given the events of the day, she decided to let him have this one and just move on. Reaching up and cradling his face in her hands, so he had no choice but to look directly at her as she spoke, she softly replied "No, that's not what I'm telling you, Eric. What I'm trying to say is that with you…it's better than good."
Eric felt suddenly as though every weight in the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. One sentence, and his mood had completely changed. His heart was beating wildly, and he couldn't help himself when he pulled Calleigh to him and hugged her tighter than he ever had before in his life. To her surprise, Calleigh found herself overwhelmed by her own emotions as well. Tears welled up in her eyes, and as she pulled back so she could see him she discovered that hers weren't the only pair of moist eyes in the room. She gingerly wiped away one of his tears with the pad of her thumb. Her eyes fluttered closed as Eric bent and captured her lips with his. The kiss was full of heat and passion, and she felt it all the way down to her toes.
As they parted and gazed into each other's eyes, Calleigh was amazed at just how deeply she felt for this man before her. All her life she'd been consumed with fear – fear of allowing anyone too close, too deep. Every person she'd ever tried to let in had only hurt her, and with every hurt she'd closed herself off more and more. Until Eric. He was slowly chipping away that hurt, and instead of being scared, Calleigh suddenly felt free. And that sudden freedom made her want to share even more with him.
"You know, Eric, my relationship with you is so different than what I had with Jake. In every way. He and I were very young when we met. It was the academy and we were so competitive. That competition led to attraction, and then attraction led to the physical part. And that's all it ever really ended up being…physical…even the second time around. Things were…are… so different with you."
Eric loved getting the chance to see this side of Calleigh. The unguarded, open, share-all-her-feelings side. Even though she was sitting close enough to him that they were touching, he still wanted more, needed more, so he reached over and pulled her gently onto his lap. His arms wrapped around her small form, and she rested her head against his shoulder. The fit was perfect, always had been, and both knew it. Calleigh, even more comfortable now that she was in Eric's arms, kept talking - now that she'd started, she didn't want to stop.
"You were sooo different, Eric. First you were my co-worker. And it wasn't long before we became friends…good friends. I always knew I could count on you, that you'd be there for me, even when I was too stubborn and would push you away. No matter how hard I pushed, you never went far. I'd never had a friend like that in my whole life, and it meant everything to me. I don't think I ever made that clear enough to you."
Eric squeezed her and kissed her temple. "I knew, Calleigh. I knew. But tell me something…you weren't even a little attracted to me back then?" His hopeful, boyish smirk made her laugh, and she couldn't believe she was about to admit this to him. "I think I was more than a little attracted to you, Eric. But losing your friendship scared me too much to act upon it. Back then, anyway. Thank God you were so persistent, though. I know it took me a long time to decide that risking our friendship would be worth it if I could have an amazing love with you. But it was the best decision I've ever made."
Calleigh lifted her head off of Eric's shoulder, wanting him to see the depth of her emotion as she spoke to him. "You need to know that everything is different for me with you. I've never felt with anyone what I feel when I'm with you. When we're together, it's not like it was with Jake, or anyone else. With you, it's not just physical, it's not just sex. It's deeper than that. Nobody has ever kissed me like you do, and when you make love to me…God Eric, it's like the whole world disappears. I never even dreamed I could feel that way with someone."
Calleigh felt Eric's arms wrap tighter around her waist, and a peck to her forehead proved that everything she just told him was true – such an innocent gesture, and yet her skin tingled all over. A slight blush crept onto her cheeks at the thought of exactly what he did to her body, without even trying. She shyly glanced away hoping he hadn't noticed her reddening face, but knowing that when it came to her, he was way too observant not to have noticed. When Eric lifted a hand and brushed his index finger along her cheekbone, she knew she'd been correct in her assessment of his observation skills. He didn't call her on it, though, just kept up the loving caress and gave her a moment to gather her thoughts.
Calleigh nibbled on her lower lip, amazed that he always knew exactly what she needed. Tilting her head back up, she caught his gaze once again. "You're so thoughtful, Eric, all the time. You take care of me and protect me; you love me…without ever making me feel smothered. You understand me like no one else ever has. No one else ever cared enough to truly figure me out, but you did."
The emotion of moment finally caught up to Calleigh, and she could feel the tears beginning to cascade down her cheeks. Eric didn't feel the need to stop her from crying, for he knew these tears were healing tears, tears of joy. He simply cradled the face of this woman he so dearly loved, astounded at way she'd just opened up to him. He was sure that his heart had never felt more full than it did right now. As moments passed and her tears stopped falling, he tenderly wiped away the tracks they'd left on her face.
Needing to return his touch, to feel even closer to him, Calleigh reached up and ran her fingers through the short hair on the back of Eric's head. She paused when she felt the raised edges of the scar near his left ear. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, the feel of the uneven skin there never failing to remind her of how she'd almost lost him that day, and of how much they've been through since then. The path they'd taken was long, but every step they took, even every wrong turn, had made them stronger, closer. When her eyes opened and met his, Calleigh felt like she was peering straight into Eric's soul. Her voice quivered with the sheer depth of emotion she was feeling. "You know, I feel connected to you on so many levels. It's physical, it's emotional, it's spiritual. We've been through so much together and now, now it's you and me, and nothing else matters. You make me so happy. No one has ever made me as happy as you do, Eric. Nobody. So don't ever wonder about that again, okay?"
Eric gently pulled the elastic band from Calleigh's hair and tangled his fingers in the long, silky strands as he pulled her in and placed one, two, and finally a third kiss to her lips. He rested his forehead against hers as he sighed, "I promise, Cal. I'm sorry I acted so silly. I know I shouldn't have felt…"
His thought was interrupted by her finger on his lips. "Shhh, don't even say that. Feelings aren't silly, Eric. You can't help how you feel. You couldn't help thinking those things about Jake any more than I could've helped having my fears about letting you into my heart. But we can help each other change those feelings. You did change those feelings for me. You've found your way into my heart and my soul, and that's not scary for me anymore. And I don't want you to be scared that you're not enough for me, because you're more than enough, Eric – you're everything."
Eric's eyes became misty again. "You're everything to me too, Cal."
Feeling the weight of the moment becoming a little overwhelming, Calleigh pushed Eric back so he was lying on his pillow. She reached over him to turn out the light on his nightstand, turned out her light as well and then curled up next to him, snuggling her head back into his shoulder again and tangling their legs together.
They lay there for a while together in the dark, each thinking about the things the other had said. Eric trailed his fingertips up and down the length of Calleigh's arm. She grabbed his other hand, linking their fingers together and smiling at the way they fit so perfectly. She'd never been much of a hand-holder, but with Eric it was different. She loved the feel of her tiny hand encompassed by his large one. Her hand seemed to find it's way into his without her even knowing it.
Calleigh was the first to break the silence. "Eric, did you know that you've given me something that I've never ever had before…in my whole life?" Playfully he slid his hand down to her backside and pulled her closer to him, growling sexily "You mean my hot and steamy Latin lovin'?" She giggled, swatting his hand away. "Besides that, Casanova." He laughed, then slid his hand up the slope of her back under her tank top and rested it on the warm, bare skin there. He leaned over and dropped a kiss to the tip of her nose. "Then what is it?"
Eyes now adjusted to the dark, she looked up to see him bathed in the moonlight that filtered in through the window. She trailed her fingers through his hair again as she tried to find the words to tell him. Eric knew that her reply would be far from playful – her quick-witted, sassy retorts were instantaneous. She was taking a moment, forming her thoughts, and he knew that meant what was coming was important, and probably worth waiting for. So he gave her the time, content to simply hold her until she was ready.
Calleigh closed her eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling his scent and letting it surround her. She thought to herself about how incredibly patient Eric had always been with her. She knew that right now, he was just waiting, allowing her to work up the nerve to say what she needed to say. No man had ever done that before, understood her in that way, accepted her imperfections instead of criticizing her for them. Eric loved her despite her flaws, and she knew that no matter what happened, he'd always wait for her. She sighed as she felt him gently grasp a lock of her hair. She opened her eyes to see him curling the hair around his finger over and over, and wondered if the action was as calming to him as it was to her. God, she was so grateful for this man.
Calleigh propped her head up on her arm, wanting to see his face better as she spoke the words in her heart. "You make me feel safe, Eric. That's something I've never had, never felt, ever. Not even during my childhood." It still angered Eric that Calleigh'd had such a horrible childhood, and the thought of it instinctively made him hold on to her tighter.
His gestured warmed her, and she kissed him on the cheek in thanks before she continued. "As a kid, I never felt safe, not with all the drinking and fighting. I never knew when 'drunk and combative' dad would surface and I'd have to think of ways to protect myself and my brothers. Things were okay when he was sober, but that never lasted for very long. I finally left home for the academy, and met Jake. I thought maybe I'd be safe with him; I gave my heart to him and trusted him. And then he left me for his job."
Eric hated to see Calleigh hurting, and he wanted to quiet her with a kiss and tell her that she'd never have to worry about her safety again. But he knew that getting this out was good for her, that it would be cathartic, and if he was the one she trusted enough to bare her soul to, then he'd let her. So he continued to hold her, quietly letting her purge the demons from her past.
"It seemed like every guy I dated turned out the same. John held a gun to my head and then killed himself in my lab…my sanctuary…my safe place. The one place I always felt safe, and he took that away from me. Peter, well he was a real winner. I mean, what guy pursues a woman when he's engaged to someone else? I don't know why I've always fallen for guys like that, guys who hurt me. Maybe it's all I knew? I don't know. But then there you were. For years we'd been best friends. I came to trust you more than anyone I ever had in my whole life. I panicked when I found out how you really felt about me. Every relationship in my life had gone bad, Eric. I was so afraid of losing you. I was convinced that if we started something, it would end up like every other relationship I'd had, and I wasn't willing to risk that. So I ran away, and then Jake was back again, and he was familiar and I was lonely. God Eric, I don't know why I thought things would be different with him. I wasted so much time. That's my biggest regret of my whole life, going back to him, because I hurt you in the process and I never wanted to do that. I wish I had been strong enough then to realize that I deserved more than that. I wish I'd been strong enough…to realize that I deserved…you."
Once the door had been opened, there was no closing it. Calleigh's words were coming faster and faster, her breathing became more rapid and tears again streaked down her cheeks. These emotions had been trapped inside her for so long, and Eric knew they needed release, despite the pain it caused him to see Calleigh in such a fragile state.
Not knowing how else to provide the comfort he knew she needed, he pulled her on top of his body, resting her head on his chest just above his heart. He pulled the covers up and wrapped them snugly around their bodies. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, one hand gently rubbing her back, the other tangled in her hair holding her head to his chest, in hopes that his heartbeat would help to calm her. Then, he began to rock. He rocked her like he would rock a baby – back and forth, back and forth – his cheek pressed to the top of her head as he whispered sweet words of comfort in her ear. His efforts were rewarded. Calleigh's heart rate slowed down till her heart was beating in time with his own. Her tears stopped falling and her breathing slowed to normal. Eric thought he had lulled her to sleep, until her small voice penetrated the silence.
"Eric?"
The sudden sound of her voice startled him. "Hmm? I thought you were asleep, babe."
"No, just thinking."
Eric grinned, "Maybe you've done enough thinking for tonight, huh?"
Calleigh allowed a grin of her own to grace her tear-stained face. She knew she must look like such an emotional wreck, but at the moment she didn't care. She was here, wrapped up in Eric's strong and soothing arms, and nothing else mattered. "Thank you, Eric."
"No need for thanks, Cal. I'm here for you, always."
Calleigh shook her head emphatically. "That's why I owe you my thanks, Eric! You are always here, no matter what, whenever I need you. Your patience is never-ending. I know I'm not exactly the easiest person to love. But you let me work through what I need to work through, and in the end you're always there. You never leave me because you're tired of waiting. No one else has ever cared enough to stay. You are my safe place now. Right here…us…like this. This is where I feel safe. I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my dreams. I could never do that before. You make me feel beautiful and special, treasured and safe. Protected. I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for that."
Eric couldn't contain the joy that he suddenly felt at Calleigh's revelation. He wasn't exactly in control of his own actions when he enthusiastically flipped them over, her body now lying on the bed, his hovering above her. He initially feared he might have hurt her when she released a squeal, but when she started giggling uncontrollably, that fear disappeared. He cradled her head in his hands, softly rubbing her temples with his thumbs. "Calleigh, that's all I've ever wanted. I've only ever wanted you to know that I'd keep you safe and protected; that you could let me into your heart completely, and that I'd hold it like the most treasured gift I'd ever been given. I love you, Cal, so so much, and I'll do everything in my power to keep every part of you safe. Always."
Eric began leaving a trail of long, slow, wet kisses from Calleigh's chin, down her jaw line and to her collarbone. He needed her to know that now, even in her most vulnerable moments, he still found her beautiful and desirable. But when he heard those little moans emanating from the back of her throat and felt her hands gliding lower and lower down his back, he stopped. Eric knew from experience how raw and exposed one could feel after an experience like he and Calleigh had just shared. As much as he wanted to just take her in his arms and make crazy, passionate love to her, he wouldn't. He couldn't take advantage of her in that way. She needed time to process and heal the open wounds.
Calleigh's breathy "uhhh…don't stop, Eric..." was almost the death of him, but he controlled himself enough to rest himself on his side next to her, one arm stretched across her abdomen, the other stroking her hair in what she could only describe as a maddening and hypnotic rhythm.
"Now is not the time for that, Cal. You just went through the emotional ringer, and you need to process, deal with the feelings you have racing through your head. We'll have plenty of time for that…maybe tomorrow, the day after, or the day after that…"
Calleigh initially groaned in frustration, but as she caught on to the reasoning behind Eric's 'rejection' she couldn't feel any more lucky to have this man who once again, had put her feelings, her well-being, above his own. She flashed him a wicked grin, ensuring that he knew that she absolutely intended to cash in on those last few words he'd just uttered to her.
Eric let out a laugh at the sultry delivery of her message. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "Don't worry, I'll keep my promise, babe. But for right now, I just want to hold my gorgeous girlfriend." They both shared a hearty laugh at his emphasis on the word 'girlfriend.' Eric quickly turned serious. "I want to make out with my beautiful Calleigh. I want to kiss you, and hug you, and watch as you fall asleep in my arms. I want you to fall asleep knowing that I will always be your safe haven; that there won't ever be a day when I don't cherish you; that I love you more than you could ever know."
A shiver traveled down Calleigh's spine, and it was not the result of being cold. Rather, it was sparked by the complete tenderness in Eric's voice as he spoke to her. She cuddled herself up against him, as close as she could, and unconsciously released a small hum. "Hmmm, I think I'm going to fall asleep knowing that I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth!"
The couple lay together for a long while, enjoying simply being together in the darkness of their room. They touched softly, whispered intimately, stroked gently, kissed innocently, held on tightly and loved deeply. Calleigh was in awe – she never knew that two people could be this close, this intimate, without actually engaging in the act of sex. She decided that all the trials and tribulations, all the hell she'd gone through, every wrong path taken was worth it in the end – for as she lay here with Eric, she'd never felt more at peace in her whole life.
She didn't know how long they'd stayed like this - it could have been a few minutes, it could have been a few hours. However long it was, she'd had the time to think back over all the things she and Eric had shared with each other during the evening, and she came to a realization. Wanting to share it with him, she whispered near his ear, "Eric?"
"Yeah…"
"You know, you mentioned before about Jake and I having a history together." The topic made him less uncomfortable now than it had before and he simply replied "Mmhmm." She smiled, glad he no longer seemed to be erupting in anger at just the mention of her ex's name. "He's not the only one I have a history with." Her fingers were now gently tracing along the lines that outlined his defined abs, and he wasn't letting on that it was driving him insane. He tried extremely hard to keep his voice level when he replied, "And who else might there be?"
Feeling his muscles flutter beneath her fingertips, and knowing that he knew exactly who she meant, she finished the thought anyway. "If you really think about it, I have more of a history with you than I do with him. Back then, in the academy days, Jake and I had a few years. But then he was gone, out of my life for so long. Then he came back, and we were together for even less time than we originally had been. You, on the other hand, have been there for years. No going away and coming back, no gaps. You've been a part of my life, a constant and important part of my life, for over a decade. You are the longest relationship I've ever had. I don't think my 'history' with Jake could ever come close to comparing with that. He might share a part of my past, but so do you." She leaned up and kissed his chin before nuzzling her head back against his neck. "And you have so much more because you…you have my yesterday, and my today, and my tomorrow. You have my future, Eric. Nothing could ever compete with that."
Eric couldn't stop the beaming smile from forming on his face if he'd tried. Calleigh was certainly full of surprises tonight. "Your future, huh? That sounds kinda like forever to me, and I have to say…I like the sound of forever." Calleigh's smile now mirrored Eric's in it's brightness as she happily quipped "Me too." Then, Calleigh threw one more surprise Eric's way.
"There's one other thing I think we need to straighten out, while we're in 'sharing' mode and all." Not exactly sure where she was going with this, he agreed with a nod of his head. Her accent had kicked up a notch, and he could never deny her anything when that happened. That sweet, southern twang was like his kryptonite.
"Well, you mentioned that you were worried that, um, that other guy…that he might have known ways to 'satisfy' me that you don't know." Eric swallowed hard. This woman was making it increasingly more difficult to be the perfect gentleman that he was trying to be. As she slid herself on top of him, balancing herself with hands braced on either side of his head, her lips inches away from his own, he knew he was a goner; what she said next wouldn't have mattered anyway.
"I think…" she captured his lower lip with her own and gave it a tug. "…that you don't need to worry about that." She moved her lips down his jaw and suckled at his neck. "You have found every switch, and flipped it; every button and pushed it; every trigger and pulled it." More wet kisses trailed back up to his ear. "For every spot he found, you found it too…and then another one. There's nothing he ever did that you haven't already done, Eric. Your skills have proven to be far superior." She now had a hold of his earlobe, gently tugging with her teeth before releasing it and soothing it with a swipe of her tongue.
His body was wriggling under hers now. "Cal, you need to stop that, or…"
"Shh, Eric. Listen to me." She was back to hovering above him, her eyes dark and filled with desire. "No one has ever satisfied me the way you do, and no one ever will. And I'm grateful that you wanted to protect me tonight; you play the part of the gentleman very well. But what I want more than anything is to be with you. I need you, Eric. I want to show you my thanks, I want to show you how much I appreciate you, how happy I am to be yours."
Eric still wasn't one hundred percent sure that this was the right thing to do right now, so once more he pleaded his case. "Cal, are you sure? It's been a really emotional night. We can wait…"
Calleigh's mind was made up, a fact proven when she reached down and grabbed the hem of her tank top and lifted it over her head. Knowing he could never refuse her now, she pulled him up so that he was sitting, with her straddling his lap. She hooked her hands behind his head and stared into his eyes. "Tonight was hard, but I feel good. I feel so free now that I got those things out in the open. I promise you, you're not taking advantage of me. I'm fully aware of my feelings, and what I feel is that I love and trust you even more than I thought I could. I want to show you that love, and prove that trust. Make love to me, Eric."
His hands began a sensual exploration of her body, leaving her skin tingling in every spot that his gentle fingertips had caressed. Calleigh knew she'd finally broken him down, so she playfully arched her eyebrows and darted her tongue out to moisten her lips. "Let's put those 'skills' of yours to the test. You never know, if we're lucky, you might just find a new switch to flip."
Her seductive wink severed the last tie that bound Eric to the idea that Calleigh needed time. Who could argue with her logic? She wanted what she wanted, and Eric wasn't going to cross the great and powerful Calleigh Duquesne. So with every ounce of passion he could muster, he backed her down to the bed as he kissed her. He kissed her like he'd never kissed her before. Tongues explored and hands caressed as they loved each other long into the night, and when rays from the morning sun replaced moonbeams through their window, they were both wonderfully exhausted and sated; satisfied both physically and emotionally. And there was no doubt where the smiles came from that graced each of their faces as they dreamt in each other's embrace. New switches to flip, new buttons to push – they had each benefited from the other's exemplary skills. Not once did Eric think about Jake Berkeley, and not once did Calleigh fear that she was allowing Eric in too close. All those previous fears were replaced by complete and pure unadulterated love; a love neither of them even knew could exist.
It might have taken them a while to get to it, but this catharsis was one that was absolutely worth waiting for. This catharsis was the beginning of forever.