Chapter in which Howl Nearly Loses an Apprentice
"I'm not beautiful," Howl said abruptly one afternoon.
"Of course you are," Michael rejected without hesitation. At least twice a week, Howl would come up with some reason for not being beautiful. He was, of course, fishing for compliments.
"No, no. You don't understand me." Howl shook his head so that his silky blonde hair swung from his back to his neck. "I know I'm beautiful. Obviously, I am beautiful. No, I mean I'm not beautiful."
"Yes. That makes total sense." Michael nodded dully, scratching out the number of newt legs in the spell he had been working on. "Howl, I don't understand what they mean by knife gloves. Do they mean gloves made of knives, or knives made of gloves?"
"That's a type of plant," Howl said indignantly, annoyed that Michael was ignoring his deep and severe angst. "No, I am not beautiful." He shook his fists in the air. "Do you understand?"
"A type of plant? Do we own any?" Michael looked over at the rather sad and wilted pot of greenery beside the battered desk. "What does it look like?"
"Slippers, obviously." Howl reached over and plucked a sprig from the pot, then promptly dropped it on Michael's parchment, scattering dirt everywhere.
"Hey!" Michael exclaimed, frantically trying to brush the dirt off. Ink smudged across the page and he slumped back in his seat, defeated. "Fine, Howl. What do you want?"
"Beauty," Howl said with depressing honesty, staring Michael straight in the eyes.
"And why are you not beautiful right now?"
"You don't think I'm beautiful?" Howl asked, eyes wide. His earrings jingled faintly with his every movement.
"Of course you're beautiful," Michael replied in monotone. "But why are you not feeling beautiful today?"
"No one loves me," Howl replied, heaving an impressive sigh, lowering his head onto the desk. "I am alone…"
"Maybe you should stop toying with all those girls and try going out with them more than once. Stop collecting hearts," Michael snapped, frantically trying to undo Howl's destruction with a spell.
"I can never stop." Howl frowned.
"How do you expect someone to love you if you won't love them?" Michael waved the now flaming parchment around in attempt to salvage it. "Damn! Howl, would you be serious for once and help me?"
"I am always serious." Howl sighed again with all the drama he could muster.
"Calcifer," Michael moaned. "Fix him."
"What?" Calcifer's flickering face appeared between the logs in the fireplace. "Why should I? He's always like this. Get used to it."
"How can I? This is insufferable!" Michael stood, gritting his teeth in irritation. "I came here to study! Is this how you treat an apprentice? I've barely learned anything—and anything I have learned, I taught myself!"
"Looooveee meeee," said Howl. "Looooooooveeeee meeeeeeeee…"
"Shut up, useless wizard!" Michael growled, starting up the stairs.
"Whoa, wait, where are you going?" Calcifer crackled. "He'll drip on me!"
"I'm going to start an application for an apprenticeship to the Wizard Sulliman. I hear he treats his students well!" Michael stormed up the stairs as Howl sobbed pathetically on the desk.
"Where did I go wrong?" Howl cried.
"Don't catch falling stars," Calcifer replied. "Start with that."
Two days later, Michael still hadn't forgiven Howl. Despite Howl's best efforts to look good and make edible food, Michael would spend every meal in silence. Howl even tried to hold a serious lesson, which had ended in several brightly coloured yet terribly destructive indoor storms. Perhaps he was losing his touch.
On the third day, Howl dropped himself on a stool in front of Calcifer. "How do I make him love me?" He sobbed, bashing his forehead against the stone platform. "No one has ever tolerated me as long."
"Oh? And what am I-smoke?" Calcifer flamed up, towering above the depressed wizard.
"You know what I mean, Calcifer." Howl drew patterns in the ash with his finger, his head still resting on the hard stone. "I've never had an apprentice before. What do I do?"
"You never even said you'd take him as an apprentice," Calcifer reasoned, calming himself to a patient flicker. "He decided that himself."
"Mm…" Howl brushed ash over his picture and began to draw a little house with smoke spiralling from the chimneys. Real smoke began to rise from the gritty sketch. "He was like a friend…but now he wants to go away forever, Calcifer."
"He's not going away forever, Howl. He's just mad."
"This is what I was talking about. I must not be beautiful. No one wants to stay with me. I'm cursed, Calcifer. I'm cursed." He sobbed theatrically.
"Stop dripping on me! It's your own fault!" Calcifer hissed, retreating back into his logs. "If you don't want him to leave, tell him that!"
"Why would I just tell him that?"
"Because normal people use words," Calcifer steamed. "You could try maybe not poisoning him with your cooking, too. And cleaning up! I do so much work to move this castle, and you make it filthy! It's disgusting! No human would want to live in a place like this."
"I like it," Howl said. "I like the spiders."
"But normal people don't."
"But…the spiders…"
"So let him leave," Calcifer snapped. "It's his own fault for thinking that you would teach him. He just hopped on board. You have no obligation to do anything."
"But he…he wanted to be with me…" Howl ground his face into the stone. "Why does he suddenly want to leave?"
"It's definitely you," Calcifer said. "Definitely. All you."
"You wound me deeply, Calcifer," Howl mumbled, voice obscured by soot.
"Hey, I'm just a talking fireplace," Calcifer countered. "I didn't do anything. Anyway, if you want him to stay so badly, just apologize and promise to make it up him."
"How?"
"Start by saying 'I'm sorry'? And then teach him something. He did come here to learn from you, you know. You are a famous wizard."
"I know nothing."
"Stop moping and admit defeat before you drown me in tears!" Calcifer roared, reaching the chimney. Howl finally sat up.
"F-fine…" he said at last. "I'll…I'll do that."
Howl rose slowly, shuffling up the stairs. He hesitated outside Michael's door. "M…Michael?" He rapped his knuckles against the door.
"What?" The door opened abruptly, taking Howl aback. Michael glowered through the small opening. "Well? What do you want, Howl?"
"I'm…I'm sorry," Howl said at length.
Michael snorted. "Don't force yourself." He moved to shut the door, but Howl jammed an elegantly booted foot in the way.
"I'm—I'm not!" he protested. "Michael—please, don't leave. I promise—I promise I'll do my best to teach you."
"Hah," Michael replied.
"No, I mean it! I'll…at least twice a week, I'll give you a…a proper lesson! And if I don't, threaten me! I'll make sure to buy food, too! Actual food! And I'll learn how to cook."
"You can't cook. I would cook," Michael said.
"I could lea—" Howl stopped. "You…you would cook?"
"But you'd have to promise to buy the ingredients I tell you to. And let me handle the money. You can't handle money. You buy stupid things."
"I—I could handle some money."
"I'll give you an allowance."
"Isn't it supposed to be the adult that—"
"You are no adult, Howl. You're a manchild."
"I…I…"
"And you'd have to try and be more serious. And less vain."
"I don't know, that sounds kind of…"
"Do you want me to stay or not?"
"I—I do!" Howl exclaimed passionately. "It's—it's lonely, just being with Calcifer. He's mean to me."
"Will you try to teach me seriously?"
"Y-yes."
"Okay. I'll throw out my application."
"Really? You will?" Howl gasped, afraid it was a trick.
"And my first lesson is tomorrow."
"That's—that's awfully soon to prepare a whole—"
"My first lesson is tomorrow."
Howl gulped. "Y-yes."
"Good. Good night, Howl."
"G-goodnight." Howl removed his foot and allowed Michael to close the door. "Good…goodnight."
"Out of all the beautiful people in the world, who do you think the most beautiful is, Calcifer?" Howl asked. Before Calcifer could even look up, he continued, "Me, obviously. But do you know why I'm beautiful? I'm just gorgeous. Just…inside and out, gorgeous. I'm a gift to wizardkind—nay, mankind. I am so wonderful."
"Sure, sure," Calcifer replied, rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say, O Great Wizard Howl."
"Wizard Howl," Howl repeated. "That name will be even more famous one day. Just you watch."