It's always been like this.
I always been spinning around in the same spot.
Every day, every month, every year.
Splattered with unavoidable, painful colors.
I was sitting at a building's rooftop, taking a whiff from a cigarette in my hand. The blue sky was irritatingly clear, shining with full brilliance. It was so beautiful, so irritating.
No clouds at all, huh? I thought, removing a mask from my chin. I inhaled the smoke, filling my lungs with thick, intoxicating nicotine.
This time, it's either Osomatsu, or Jyushimatsu, or...
A small white cat on my lap meowed, distracting me from my wandering thoughts. I looked up to the cloudless sky─so blue, yet so empty. The stray cat was purring with satisfaction when I scratched his chin.
Ahhhh...I don't care. Either them, or me, everything is just the same.
I finished my last smoke for today. I stood up, throwing the cigarette butt. The cat jumped away from me, meowing like a spoiled child begging for sweets.
"I wonder...how's the next time would be like..."
My trembling hands reached for the fence, while the cat was still meowing at me. I pulled my body up, looking at the scenery below─colorful, tiny cars and people moved swiftly like ants. As expected from a 40-story building.
I climbed out of the fence, a strong wind was blowing through my hair. With a dry chuckle, I stepped further to the thin air. The cat continued to meow, as if it was calling out to me, telling me to stop.
But I won't stop.
Oh, so this is how gravity feels...it's like I'm being sucked into the hearts of earth.
Loud screams were heard as soon as my head hit the concrete. I'm sure, my body would be a breathtaking display for everyone to see─painting the ground with the most marvelous color ever.
I found myself laying down on the futon again. This time, I was the last one waking up. Osomatsu leaned down to see my face, smiling mischievously.
"Good day, Ichimatsu! Do you want to go to the pachinko with me today?" Osomatsu grinned, ruffling my hair joyfully.
"What time is it?" I asked, pulling out a cigarette from its box.
"It's already noon, you lazy bum!" My brother laughed, offering me a lighter. I lit my cigarette, inhaling more smoke to fill my lungs with.
"Where are the others?"
"Hmmm...Choromatsu is watching a live show, Jyushimatsu is playing baseball again...I'm not sure about Karamatsu and Todomatsu, though." Osomatsu snatched a cigarette from its box, and lit his own.
"Oh...I see..." That means, I'll be the only one to witness the next shit. I wonder, what kind of shitty mess Osomatsu-nii-san would be this time?
"Now, shall we move our asses? Those pachinko slots ain't gonna play themselves!" Osomatsu grabbed my arm, grinning with excitement. I followed his lead, albeit feeling a bit sluggish from sleep deprivation.
We walked out of the house, while he was whistling happily. I looked up to the sky─it was clear and cloudless, just like the last time.
Who's going to be screwed up this time? Osomatsu, Jyushimatsu, or me...?
"Hey, Ichimatsu," Osomatsu threw his cigarette butt─smiling at me, "Thanks for the cig."
"You're welcome, Nii-san."
Seeing a change in my behavior, Osomatsu stopped grinning. He looked at me with a curious gaze.
"Strange, you never called me 'Nii-san' before," He chuckled, "Seriously, what's wrong with you─"
Without any warning, a speeding truck slammed Osomatsu from his left side. I felt my face grazed a bit from the impact. Blood was splattered everywhere.
I walked towards my brother's body, which was crushed by the overwhelming force. He must have been died instantly. It's good, I thought to myself. At least, he won't feel any pain. Although, his remains is still an unpleasant sight to see.
"That's the reason why, Nii-san," I reached out to his hands. It was stiff, but still warm. "If you're distracted, you won't feel a thing...right?"
"NOOOOOO!"
Loud crash and screeches. Another splendid color was painted across the street. The sky was cloudy, and soon enough, a downpour followed.
Todomatsu was screaming. Choromatsu and Osomatsu was violently rummaging the debris with their hands. Jyushimatsu was sitting on the ground, crying all the time.
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE, ICHIMATSU! WOULD YOU FUCKING HELP US?!" Osomatsu yelled, ripping metal parts from the car. His hands were bleeding.
I couldn't hear their screams and cries. They were drowned in the wild downpour. The blood was washed away, but the horrifying scenery before my eyes won't go away. No matter how hard I wished for it.
"KARAMATSU-NII-SAN! NOOOOOO!"
"KARAMATSU-NII-SAN! PLEASE! STAY WITH US!"
They managed to extract Karamatsu's body from the debris. I'm actually impressed. Suddenly, Osomatsu rushed towards me, slamming his punch on my face. It was so powerful, I fell down to the ground.
"YOU FUCKER!" He roared with rage. I never saw him being this angry before. It was so uncharacteristically funny, so unlike Osomatsu I've known. "YOU SHOULD'VE HELPED US TO RESCUE KARAMATSU!'
I couldn't help but laugh. Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu were startled, watching me with horror in their eyes.
"It's useless," I hissed, "I can't save him. You can't save him. WE can't save him!"
"KARAMATSU-NII-SAAAN! KARAMATSU-NII-SAAAAAN!"
I heard Todomatsu screaming hysterically from behind Osomatsu's back─shaking Karamatsu's crushed, lifeless body. People began to swarm around us. I could feel the cold, icy rain hitting my face mercilessly─so does Osomatsu's fists.
"Ichimatsu...why...?" Osomatsu slowly down on his knees, while grabbing on my stiff arms. "Why won't you..."
Look at this! My second brother, died unceremoniously like a dog on the streets! My brothers, falling down to their knees! Begging and crying! Screaming and shouting like wild animals! It's so funny! So weird! AND THAT! LOOK AT THAT AMAZING, FILTHY, BRIGHT RED COLOR! IT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE! IT'S SO DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING! YET, IT'S ALMOST ACTUALLY FUNNY!
I laughed so hard, I felt my ribs cracking from that laughter alone.
It's always been like this.
I always been spinning around in the same spot.
I couldn't save them. I could only able to watch them die, one by one.
Splattered with irreversible, painful colors.
"..."
I found myself laying down on the futon again. This time, I was the first one to woke up. Jyushimatsu was snoring loudly, while Osomatsu and Choromatsu sprawled on each other.
"Ichimatsu-nii-san, are you awake?"
Todomatsu sat beside me. "I want to go to bathroom."
I sighed. "Fine. Make it quick."
We walked downstairs, the entire house was dark. Todomatsu clenched on my sleeves. There he goes again. What a scaredy cat.
"Relieve yourself, fast." I ordered him to enter the toilet.
Not long, he finished his business. Thankfully, it wasn't the big one.
"Say, Totty," I asked, "Do you have any plans tomorrow?"
"Uh...yeah, I do," Todomatsu nervously answered, "What about it?"
"Is it a meeting with your friends from internet?"
Todomatsu's eyes widened in a shock. His face went pale. "H─How do you know?"
"Cancel it."
"This has nothing to do with you, Ichimatsu-nii-san!" He yelled, "I want to make new friends...you have no rights to stop me─"
"Cancel that shit," I threatened him, "If you meet them, you'll only die a painful, slow death."
"Wh─what do you mean?"
"They're going to rape you, then cut your stomach open, and leave you to die."
"Are you nuts? Or maybe you're still dreaming, Ichimatsu-nii-san." Todomatsu chuckled in disbelief, pushing me away.
"...fine. If that's your choice..."
I took out a knife from my back, swiftly pinning Todomatsu's body on the floor. I covered his mouth with my other hand. He struggled so much, tears began to flow from his eyes.
"You shitty idiot. If only you stay quiet at home, you won't meet that kind of fate." I whispered─filled with ire and ache stinging down my chest. "At least, I can grant you a fast, less painful death."
I slashed his throat─he let out a terrible shriek. Fortunately, no one was awake from his noise. Todomatsu's body convulsed afterwards, I felt his blood running down my hands. It was strangely warm.
It's better this way. I can't stand to see him being violated by a group of shitholes in a dark alley, and then left to die like an animal. Last time, I even slaughtered all of those bastards. But it was meaningless─it didn't bring him back. It only brought me more and more grief.
Slowly, I closed Todomatsu's eyelids with my trembling fingers.
"I'm so sorry..." I sobbed, choked by my own tears, "...I'm sorry..."
Back to the rooftop. The sky was clear, without any cloud at all. I was smoking again, with a white cat on my lap. The cat snored peacefully.
"Out of 19,275 deaths, I died 2,611 times," I mumbled to myself while caressing the cat's head, "Osomatsu died 3,256 times. Choromatsu died 3,143 times. Jyushimatsu died 3,598 times. Todomatsu died 2,986 times. Shittymatsu died 3,681 times."
I chuckled. "We can agree that Shittymatsu is the loser, right? A really, really sore loser."
I heard a footstep approaching. Jyushimatsu's bright face appeared.
"Ichimatsu-nii-san?" He ran happily, "Hey! What are you doing here? Let's play baseball!"
"No, thanks..." I threw my cigarette away, "I think, it's best for you to come home now."
"But why? Today's weather is so good for baseball!"
I gently caressed the cat, before moving my fingers to strangle its small neck. Jyushimatsu yelped in fear.
"I─Ichimatsu-nii-san?!"
I could feel my hands crushed the cat's windpipe, breaking its neck and sent it to a peaceful death.
"Go home, NOW." My voice was shaky, "I don't want you to die another cruel, horrible death. Of all people..."
Jyushimatsu reached for the fence. I wasn't able to stop him. The fence fell over, along with him. I reached my hands, trying to grab him.
"JYUSHI─"
It was all too late. Again, the concrete was painted in a beautiful, stunning color of Jyushimatsu's blood. The screams of people below were almost inaudible.
I don't want to see this anymore. I've had enough.
Once again, I was standing at the rooftop. I lit my cigarette, whiffing smokes from my mouth. The white cat rubbed its body on my feet.
"Oh, my. Look who's coming this time..." I grinned, biting the cigarette with ire.
It was Karamatsu. He clenched his fists, his face was pale.
"Ichimatsu, please stop acting weird." He nervously spoke.
I roared with laughter, kicking the cat with burning hatred in my head. The cat meowed in pain, then dashed away from my sight.
"Says the guy who wears shitty disco pants every time!" I chuckled, "Fuck off, Shittymatsu! You can just go die in the gutter!"
"Ichimatsu!"
"YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE WORRIED! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!"
My entire body was shaking like crazy. I was sweating a lot. An uncontrollable laughter kept pouring out of my mouth.
"DIE, SHITTYMATSU! YOU CAN JUST DIE, CRUSHED TO FILTHY LITTLE PIECES AND BECOME A ROADKILL! DIE! ALL OF YOU CAN JUST DIE! DIE! DIE!"
I trembled, panting hard. My brother silently stood there, before walking out to me.
"Yes, I don't know anything at all," Karamatsu stuttered. He offered his hands to me. "Let's just go home now, okay?"
"Home? Stop joking with me."
I climbed out the fence, facing Karamatsu. I spread my arms, exclaiming loudly.
"MATSUNO ICHIMATSU, TAKING OFF FROM THIS SHITTY WORLD! HE WILL SHORTLY DEPARTING FROM HIS SHITTY BROTHERS!"
With that, I jumped from the building. Karamatsu rushed towards me, he grabbed one of my hands.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Karamatsu yelled. I saw a pool of tears on his eyes.
"Yes, I am already fucking crazy." I laughed. "Let me go, Shittymatsu."
"NO!"
"LET ME GO AND DIE! YOU SHITTY HEAD OF A BROTHER!"
I felt a stream of tears running down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Nii-san...I'm sorry...everyone..."
I slapped Karamatsu's hand, and I was falling down. The last thing I saw was Karamatsu's despaired face, and a surge of words I couldn't decipher popping inside my head.
ごめんね、皆。ごめん、おそ松兄さん。ごめん、カラ松兄さん。ごめん、チョロ松兄さん。ごめん、十四松。ごめん、トド松。ごめん。
ごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんごめんゴメンゴメンっ
─splat.
I found myself laying down on the futon, again. This time, everyone was circling, surrounding me. They all were wearing the same, worried expression.
"Ichimatsu, you're screaming really loud," Osomatsu complained.
"Are you having a bad dream?" Todomatsu and Choromatsu asked simultaneously.
"Do you want us to sing a lullaby?" Karamatsu smiled, "Jyushimatsu, take the guitar."
Jyushimatsu was the first to reach out to me. He gently ruffled my head. "Ichimatsu-nii-san, don't cry anymore. Bad dream, bad dream, go away!"
I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just...can't.
I pulled Jyushimatsu into my arms. I cried, cried and cried. The others joined shortly, forming a really big group hug. Osomatsu, Karamatsu, Choromatsu, and Todomatsu─everyone.
I was bawling the entire time. But then, I felt much better.
I was sitting at a building's rooftop, taking a whiff from a cigarette in my hand. The blue sky was irritatingly clear, shining with full brilliance. It was so beautiful, so irritating. The weather's so damn fine. That's what makes it so irritating.
I stood up, reaching out to the fence. The cat was meowing near my feet.
I climbed out of the fence, a strong wind was blowing through my hair. I took a deep breath, and grinned.
This is fucking irritating. This inescapable, grotesque loop of fate.
I stepped forward, and took a big leap. One of my sandals was slipped off of my feet.
"I wonder...how's the next time would be like..."
─splat.