This story was requested by Glittergirl12 and Guest Gemma price XXOX. They aren't the same person but came up with almost identical requests - so I hope I can make you both happy! Thank you for being so kind about my writing - I really hope this doesn't disappoint you.
This chapter is mostly Cal thinking over the last couple of years, but the other chapters will be set in the present. I've written the first four chapters so I should post them over the next four days (I'm counting this post as Sunday).
I hope everyone else enjoys it too. If enjoy is the right word...
There he was. Just up ahead.
Cal was surprised he'd managed to catch him up so easily. It was almost as though he wanted Cal to follow. He wanted to lead him away from safety; away from what he knew.
He could be leading Cal into a trap. He probably was.
But Cal didn't care. Finally, he'd found something to hold onto for the first time since he'd met Matilda; for only the second time since Taylor.
He couldn't let Katya go. Especially not like this. Not alone and frightened and in danger. Anything could happen to her and he was the only person who knew.
So he was going to save her. That was what he did best: saving people. The only thing, he believed, he could do well. He saved people every day (or at least every day he worked) and for years, he'd convinced himself it was enough.
But then had come someone he couldn't save; someone who really mattered. His mother, Matilda. She was dying of cancer and he hadn't been able to save her. He hated himself for that. She was his mother (or so he'd thought) and he was a doctor and he could do nothing.
So he'd done nothing. He'd run away, leaving Ethan to deal with it alone.
He'd kept saving people after that, of course. He worked in an ED. But it wasn't until he'd saved Ethan, his brother (who really was his brother) that he finally felt he'd done something good. He'd saved someone who really mattered to him.
Cal had never regretted that. He never would. He loved Ethan. That horrible day had made him realise just how much.
But he struggled to believe that Ethan loved him - and after everything Cal had done, who could blame him?
Then Cal had found someone else he wanted to save. No: more than that. He'd found the person who was going to save him. Taylor was beautiful, like all the other women, but she was so much more than that. She was intelligent and kind and warm and she really helped people in ways Cal couldn't imagine. The places Taylor visited; the conditions she had to deal with; the scenes of poverty and hardship such as Cal couldn't even imagine… his lust had deepened to admiration and respect and then to love. She was doing what Cal had always wanted to do. Something important. Something that really mattered.
Cal knew that many people would say working in the ED mattered too. If any of his colleagues had asked them if they really helped people, he would have said yes. He'd seen their kindness, strength and courage which might even have rivalled Taylor's, but Cal could never see those things in himself.
Even once it was revealed that the charity was fake, Cal didn't give up on Taylor. He believed he could save her. She was obviously caught up in something and couldn't get free: a poor, innocent girl forced into conning money from people. He would offer his love; his hand in marriage; his whole life. He would rescue Taylor and he would have done something important at last.
But Taylor was a con-artist and she didn't want a knight in shining armour. She just wanted cash.
Cal had been heartbroken. He couldn't imagine ever trusting a woman again. He knew he couldn't trust himself. His judgement had let him down and his brother had suffered. His life had continued in a downward spiral from there. He felt worthless. A waste of space. Unloved. He reached out to Ethan for support but none came.
Cal wanted to believe this was only because Ethan didn't know how to help, but the more he struggled to keep going, the harder it was to believe in anything except his own inadequacy.
And then Taylor had returned and he'd fallen in love all over again.
But not with Taylor.
Matilda had really needed him: she literally couldn't survive without him. But with Matilda, it wasn't just about rescuing her. The tiny bundle of love and warmth that cuddled close to him and looked up at him with adoration and held out her arms to him and knew she was safe with him.
Everything Matilda did was wonderful and beautiful: another special and lovely memory to carry with him for always and a bright, bubbling hope inside him for what he believed was their future together. Matilda had brought him closer to Ethan too and the tiny fact that he hadn't actually had the paternity test was one he could ignore because it was obvious to everyone that Matilda was his. He could never have bonded so quickly; so completely with another man's child. She could never have loved and trusted him so instantly unless she'd known, deep inside her, that Cal was in some way hers.
When he'd taken the paternity test, life had once more spun out of Cal's control.
Cal knew he could have kept her. They'd looked after her well and Ethan had been keen, but Cal couldn't deal with that. He would never have felt secure.
What if Taylor wanted her back? What if Matilda's real father found out about the baby? What if a member of Taylor's family found out about their new relative?
What if Matilda grew up and realised Cal wasn't really that great and she wanted her real dad?
All he knew was that he loved her more every day. The thought of losing her felt as though he'd been torn apart, but he knew if he didn't let her go now, he would lose her later and it would only be worse.
So he'd let her go. He'd let go of the one good thing in his life. And once more, Cal was nothing and had nobody. He had Ethan, but did Ethan even care? He stopped the lift so Cal could cry in private and just for a moment, Cal had hoped Ethan would give him he hug, the physical contact, the love he craved and needed, but Ethan had done and said nothing. Just stood and waited. Perhaps too upset to know what to do, but perhaps not caring.
Discovering he must be adopted had fragmented the little of Cal's world that remained. Ethan seemed even further away from him because he might not be Cal's brother. The thought terrified Cal. What if Ethan was only there out of some sense of duty, which would disappear as soon as he knew Cal was not his brother?
Who was Cal? He wasn't Matilda's father or Matilda's son. He wasn't Ethan's brother. So who was he?
Whose was he?
All Cal had was this unknown mother – a mother who'd given him up, yes; but the one person in his life who was really part of him.
He knew now that he'd romanticised her image. He'd convinced himself that when he was with his mum, everything would be all right. Cal had imagined the reunion so many times. He yearned for it desperately, but was terrified by it at the same time because he knew so well how things could go wrong.
In the end, his dreams had won. He'd gone into his mother's house – and his dreams had been shattered.
Ethan thought Cal was sad about baby Matilda, and he was partly right. Cal was devastated about Matilda. He kept her picture and one of her toys in his room, but he didn't want to talk about her. But it wasn't just that he had a big, aching void inside him where Matilda had been. His whole body was a void for something or other. For everyone in his life who wasn't what he thought they were. Everyone he'd ever loved. Matilda, Matilda, Taylor … he'd loved them and they weren't his.
Only Ethan was his, and soon, Cal would have to tear his world apart too.
Cal had thought happiness was impossible; nothing would ever be all right. His work suffered because he couldn't see past his own suffering. It was so big: it filled him and surrounded him and was always there, between him and the people he was trying to help. He still had the desire to help, but much as he tried, he couldn't quite reach them. He felt constantly in a losing battle with his own emotions, not only stopping them from overflowing (which they often did: Cal seldom ended a shift without red eyes) but trying to push them aside in order to get to the people who needed him.
Then he'd met Katya.
He'd always known his role in life was to be someone's knight in shining armour. That was part of the reason why he'd chosen the name Knight. Here was someone he could help. The sort of person he'd imagined Taylor to be once he'd realised she was a con-artist. Katya had been forced into a career she didn't want and she'd wanted to get away. Cal would be the one to rescue her.
And he had. At first, he'd been stressed and upset, but then that had changed. It might have been partly the alcohol, the music, the situation… but it was Katya too. She was the person he'd been looking for all along. The person who needed him. The person he could look after – and look after forever: not just until she was discharged.
He felt… happy with her. He smiled. He danced. He relaxed. He felt as though happiness was possible and everything would be all right. He already knew Katya's biggest secret and of course, that was over now. She couldn't hurt him like Taylor had. She wouldn't keep secrets like his two mothers. She wouldn't push him away like Ethan. Everything would be all right.
They'd danced and smiled and laughed the night away before returning to his flat. They'd woken up together and she hadn't wanted him to pay her because he meant more to her than that. And then she'd gone and here he was, chasing after her like a real knight in shining armour, gaining on them, spurred on by his determination and love.
He had to catch them. He had to get to him and make him talk. He had to get her back. He couldn't lose anyone else.
Faster and faster, Tyres screeching. Closer and closer. Lurching round corners. Horns blaring, but that didn't matter. This was a matter of life and death.
But was it Katya's life and death or his?
And then it happened. Cal should have known they couldn't keep going, Not at that speed. Not at that intensity. The car in front of him left the road and soared through the air, before hitting the ground and rolling over and over. Cal tried to swerve; tried to stop, but the car was out of his control and his head smashed into something hard and all he knew was pain and one last thought.
Ethan, he thought as his eyes closed. I never told Ethan…