Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
...
The chapel in the Royal Knights' citadel was a magnificent architectural feat the likes of which you'd find in a real-world cathedral or the imaginations of some crazy sci-fi/fantasy writer. The vaulted ceiling high above was supported by columns with serpentine dragons carved into their forms. Arches and friezes and murals of holy and angelic Digimon abounded all over the place. Towering stained-glass windows depicting heroic feats from the Digital World's history lined the walls, the images changing every few moments to depict new scenes or resolutions to the previous ones. Angel Digimon in their finest robes stood in a choir, singing beatifically as a Gekomon masterfully played the grand pipe organ. A red carpet ran down the center of the room from the massive doors to the altar at the far end, dividing rows of pews packed with all sorts of Digimon into two very diverse sections. Knightmon in rather incongruous robes were everywhere, standing guard imposingly, directing the choir, and prancing about throwing flower petals from baskets all over the place, much to the annoyance of the guests, among whose ranks numbered some of the most powerful and important Digimon in the Digital World.
What were all these dignitaries and leaders and heroes doing in this chapel, you might wonder? Why, attending a wedding, of course! And not just any wedding, either…but the marriage of two of the (in)famous Royal Knights, Dynasmon and Crusadermon! Dynasmon, the groom, stood at the altar with his best mon, Gallantmon, looking stunning in their well-polished ceremonial armor. The priestess, Gallantmon's wife Sakuyamon, was even more radiant in her miko robes, her long hair swishing behind her and the rings on her staff clicking as she gazed out at the guests, glancing occasionally at the doors at the other end of the room. "What's taking so long?" Dynasmon, who was also staring at the doors, muttered. "She should have been here by now!"
"I'm sure she didn't get cold feet," Gallantmon said, who wasn't even remotely sure of that. "You know she loves you very much."
"She loves lots of things! She's said so many times…what if she's decided she loves one of them more than me?!" Dynasmon asked anxiously.
"I'm sure she doesn't," said Gallantmon, who was privately wondering the same thing. "We just have to wait it out patiently. She'll be here eventually."
"Ohhh, I hope so…we've been planning and waiting and dreaming for this day for so long…" Dynasmon moaned.
Gallantmon patted his friend on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Everything will be fine." I hope, he thought to himself, glancing at Sakuyamon, who nodded to show that she shared his uncertainties.
"Craniamon, sir?" Examon, the newest of the Royal Knights, asked his superior. He and the rest of the Knights, save for Alphamon, were sitting in one of the front rows in their best armor, even Magnamon, whom everyone had expected to have lost his again.
"What is it, Examon?" Craniamon asked, turning to glance at his draconic colleague.
"Um…why is it that a Shinto priestess is presiding over a ceremony in a very Christian-looking church?" Examon asked.
"It's the Digital World, my friend," Craniamon said solemnly. "Don't think too much about it."
"Ah," said Examon. "Then should I also not be thinking too much about how our sworn enemies, the Seven Great Demon Lords, are sitting right over there and we're not doing anything about it?!"
Craniamon turned to look at the Seven Great Demon Lords, who were sitting in the front pew across the aisle, looking extremely out-of-place. Belphemon was snoozing, Beelzemon was drawing all over his face, Leviamon and Barbamon were looking around greedily appraising how much everything in the room was worth, Daemon looked bored, and Lilithmon had her arm wrapped around an uncomfortable-looking Lucemon. Seeing Craniamon was looking at him, Lucemon waved. Craniamon waved back. "You just waved to him!" Examon hissed.
"That I did. What of it?" Craniamon asked.
"They're our arch-enemies! Why are they here?! Why aren't we fighting them?!" Examon demanded.
"They're here because we invited them," UlforceVeedramon, who was sitting next to him, said.
"…Why?!" Examon asked.
"Because if we didn't invite them, they would have crashed the party and caused a big ruckus," Omnimon said.
Craniamon nodded. "By inviting them, we guarantee they'll act on their best behavior, and won't cause any trouble."
Examon blinked. "…Oh."
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll go back to fighting them once this is over," Sleipmon said.
"Until then, enjoy the peace, since it probably won't last," said Magnamon.
"All right…" Examon said reluctantly.
"I can't believe this is really happening…" Leopardmon murmured. "Do you think being married will mellow Dynasmon out enough to stop acting like such a jerk all the time?"
"No," Sleipmon said.
Leopardmon sighed. "Yeah, you're probably right…is it too much to hope for they'll stop making fun of my name or my odor—which I totally got rid of ages ago—too?"
"Yes," the other Knights said. Leopardmon sighed.
Everyone quickly straightened to attention when the doors at the other end of the chapel opened and the bridal party entered. "Finally!" Dynasmon hissed, his form sagging in visible relief. "It's about time!"
"What took her so long?" Gallantmon muttered.
"Maybe she was reevaluating whether she really wanted to marry Dynasmon? I would if I were her…" Sakuyamon murmured in reply.
"Hey! I heard that!" Dynasmon snarled.
Crusadermon marched up the aisle, her pink armor polished to a pearlescent gleam, her lithe and acrobatic figure even more beautiful than ever. Surrounded by her bridesmaids, a number of attractive female Digimon and several Knightmon in dresses, she approached the altar with Alphamon, who was serving as the father of the bride. "Skank," Lilithmon muttered as Crusadermon passed by.
"You're one to talk," Daemon said. She glared at him, and Lucemon stifled a giggle.
"Crusadermon, you look magnificent," Dynasmon said in awe as his bride-to-be took her place beside him.
"Well of course I do, I'm me," she said vainly. "You look fairly well yourself."
"Er, thanks?" Dynasmon asked.
"So, can we get started now?" Gallantmon whispered to Alphamon.
"We can," the leader of the Royal Knights said morosely. "But it's not going to end the way you expect it to."
Gallantmon blinked in puzzlement. "What do you mean?"
Alphamon didn't get a chance to reply, because Sakuyamon decided to begin the ceremony, as the Gekomon finished the last verse of the Bridal March and the choir quieted their voices. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of these two Royal Knights, Dynasmon and Crusadermon, in holy matrimony," Sakuyamon intoned, rattling her staff and swishing her robes. "Dynasmon, do you take Crusadermon to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to hold, to cherish and to care for in sickness and health and good times and bad, until death do you part and you are reborn at Primary Village?"
"I do," Dynasmon said solemnly, looking at Crusadermon with love in his eyes.
"Crusadermon, do you take Dynasmon to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to hold, to cherish and to care for in sickness and health, good times and bad, until death do you part and you are reborn at Primary Village?" Sakuyamon asked the bride.
"No," Crusadermon said.
"Then I pronounce you…wait, what?!" Sakuyamon cried in alarm. The guests murmured in surprise.
"What the…" Gallantmon stammered.
Alphamon sighed. "Oh, it's about to get worse. Wait until you hear her reason…"
"C-Crusadermon?! What is the meaning of this?!" Dynasmon demanded.
"I'm sorry Dynasmon, truly I am, but…I just can't go through with this," Crusadermon apologized. "The truth is that my heart belongs to another…the one person in this or any other world who is worthy of my affections…and that's…" With a flourish, she pulled out a mirror and stared admiringly into it. "Me!"
"…What," Dynasmon said flatly.
"You have got to be kidding me," Gallantmon groaned.
"Afraid not," Alphamon said grimly.
"Oh, come on! Seriously?!" Leopardmon snapped.
Omnimon sighed. "The sad thing was, I saw this coming a mile away…"
"Huh, and here I thought Lucemon was going to be the one to marry himself," Beelzemon said.
"Yeah, so did I," Barbamon said in agreement.
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!" Lilithmon snarled.
"Hmm…you know, that's not a bad idea…" Lucemon murmured, much to her horror.
"You want to marry…yourself?!" Sakuyamon asked incredulously.
Crusadermon nodded. "That's right! I'm the most beautiful creature in all the realms. There's nobody I care more for than myself. Therefore, why shouldn't I get married to myself? It will certainly work out better than any relationship I could have with any other Digimon, who cannot help but be ugly to me in comparison, ever could."
"But…but…" Dynasmon stammered.
"If she marries herself, the divorce will be rather messy…" Gallantmon muttered.
"This is…highly irregular," Sakuyamon said, which was an understatement. "But…we're all here, and I've been booked to host a wedding, so…might as well. Crusadermon, do you take…Crusadermon to be your lawfully wedded…um, wife, to love and to hold, to cherish and to care for in sickness and health, good times and bad, until death do you…er…until you're reborn in Primary Village?"
"I do!" Crusadermon declared, as Dynasmon's jaw dropped.
"And…uh, Crusadermon, do you take…yourself to be your lawfully wedded…spouse…to love and to hold, to cherish and to care for in sickness and health, good times and bad, until you die and are reborn in Primary Village?" Sakuyamon continued.
"I do!" Crusadermon said, waving her mirror.
"Wonderful. Then I pronounce you…er…married. Are there any objections to this union?" Sakuyamon asked.
"Yes!" Dynasmon shouted. "It's completely ridiculous!"
"Dynasmon, please don't make a scene. Can't you see this is what will make me truly happy?" Crusadermon asked.
"But Crusadermon, I thought you were happy! With me!" Dynasmon protested. "You said you loved me! You promised we'd always be together!"
"I do love you, and we will always be together. We're coworkers, aren't we?" Crusadermon pointed out.
"But if you love me, then why…?" Dynasmon asked.
"Because while I love you, I love myself more," Crusadermon said, glancing at her reflection. "Isn't that right, my love? Oh yes, it is. Aren't you just the most gorgeous thing in all the worlds? No, you are. No, you are! Oh shut up and kiss me, you temptress!" She started making out with her mirror, making rather disturbing noises.
Dynasmon burst into tears and fled from the room as everyone else sweatdropped. "I guess that's the end of that, then," Sakuyamon said finally.
"That was incredibly stupid," Gallantmon said flatly.
"Welcome to my life," Alphamon said flatly.
"Sir, what…what was…" Examon stammered.
"Don't try to think about it, Examon. If you do, you'll go mad, like Magnamon," Craniamon said.
Magnamon blinked. "…But I'm perfectly sane."
"Now you are," UlforceVeedramon said.
"Oh well, I figured it would all end in tears one way or another," Leopardmon said cheerfully.
Sleipmon nodded. "Yep, I figured they'd divorce and/or kill each other in three months anyway. This saves us the bother of going through all that melodrama."
Omnimon rose to his feet. "Well, now that that's over with, I suppose we should go and eat that wedding cake, though I suppose we'll need to remove one of the figures on top-"
"Wait!" Lucemon said, rising to his feet. "While we're here, I have an announcement to make! There is someone I wish to wed, too!"
"Is it yourself?" Daemon snarked.
"No, it's not me!" Lucemon snapped.
"Is it me? I bet it's me!" Lilithmon said hopefully.
"No, it's not you, whore! There is only one person in this room who I love, and that's..." Lucemon pointed at the snoring Belphemon. "Belphemon!"
Belphemon woke with a snort. "Huh? Somebody say my name?"
Everyone stared incredulously. "You have got to be kidding me," Sakuyamon said flatly.
"And I thought this day couldn't get any worse," Gallantmon groaned.
"Again, welcome to my life," Alphamon said flatly.
Lucemon got down on one knee and proffered a ring to Belphemon, who was still blinking sleep from his eyes. "Belphemon, I have been madly in love with you for as long as I can remember, but dared not say anything for fear of how others would react. But after witnessing Crusadermon's courage in pursuing her one true love, I can no longer keep my feelings in check! Please, say you'll marry me!"
"…'Kay," Belphemon said.
"Oh, thank you! You've made me the happiest Demon Lord in all the Digital World!" Lucemon cried joyfully, hugging and kissing the demonic goat.
"Let me at him! I'll kill him! I'll claw his eyes out!" Lilithmon shrieked, trying to lunge at Lucemon only for Daemon to hold her back.
"Let it go, Lilithmon. Let it go," he said.
"I want to get married too," Leviamon said enviously.
"Yes, so do I," Barbamon said. There was a pause, and then they stared at each other soulfully for a long moment…before making disgusted faces and looking away.
"…Sir. Is there a point when I'll be able to look back on all this and laugh, when the world will start making sense again?" Examon begged desperately.
"No," Craniamon said.
Examon sagged. "Wonderful…"
"You know, I always thought those two would make a cute couple," Magnamon said, earning him weird looks from everyone else.
"So. Who wants cake?" Beelzemon asked cheerfully.
THE END