Drinking Alone

A/N: This is my take on Lucien contemplating the women in his life after the ending of 4x4, because, of course in Doctor Blake fashion, they are on the next mystery. Also, I know the feels of having had a DAY, where everything just went sideways. This week was no exception. After Nov. 9, I know now pretty much how Jean felt as well. Think about it.

"You didn't use to drink alone."

Lucien had to concede to that. But then he'd never had to maneuver 3 women around in one day before. Looking at the dining room table was nearly comical, if not utterly tragic. The women of Lucien Blake's life. If it wasn't so tragic he would have guffawed, not that he was given to laughing much recently, but he was working on it. The woman he loves, the woman he is married to, and his colleague all at the same table. It was by far the most awkward dinner he had ever attended, all he needed was Mattie to come back for a visit, and everyone would be in attendance.

Not that Alice was a problem, but he hadn't even been back to tell Jean, he wasn't sure what sorts of logistics that she would have to work out, he just told Alice to come on over. In the end , it was not an issue setting an extra place, and aside from the comment aimed at him by Jean in regards to her cooking, it had been a delightful addition to a first night home that was probably as awkward for Mei Lin as for himself and Jean. She had to know what was going on through the rumor mill at least if she didn't know in fact.

It was all he could do to go home at dinner, even Charlie called him to the carpet at the station for not dealing with the situation before the evening. What the ever living Hell? Lucien called himself a coward. That's what it was cowardice, plain and simple. He had no idea what to do.

He had been so rude to Jean. It wasn't on purpose. After dinner, he asked her point blank what to do. She was the organized one, she was always able to see a way out, and he depended her local knowledge and point of view, even though he knew in the back of his mind what had to happen. He just had Jean, so close, in his grasp, their manner, so easy, now strained. Worst of all was the ring. The ring she left as a silent message of what could not possibly be now. Each of their hopes and dreams crushed with the single knock at the door. He longed to go up there and hold her, and get his shirt wet with her tears, he wanted to bathe in them. It was the least he deserved for not being there for her all day, when for the last few years she had been there for him. He needed her, that is all there was to it. He needed to figure out a way past this, there had to be one, hadn't there?

A dead wife, back from the dead. Mei Lin. Isn't this what he had hoped for? He had searched for her for so long. She looked just as he had remembered her, but she seemed foreign now. He was so used to Jean, nearly of a height with him in her heals, and her light eyes, speaking without speaking. The contrast was stark between the two, and while he was not trying to compare, it was inevitable. Until death we do part. He had a life. He had made a commitment, and he had to follow through. His daughter didn't want to see him again, and before Mei Lin had turned up, he was determined to put that part of his life behind him. He had not made Jean an honest woman, much as he wanted to, something always seemed to get in the way. He sat on his hands and waited. He should have taken care of business in Adelaide, to be the man for Jean that she deserved. How was it that Jean, the woman he loved most on this Earth he was not even able to talk to, to tell his innermost thoughts?

He was fumbling, foolish. He just wanted to be near her, and he failed to tell her exactly how he felt. Lucien let his heart open again. Losing Mei Lin seemed like the worst turn his life could take, but finding that she was still alive seemed to have eclipsed the previous event.

Suddenly, he panicked. She was going to leave for Adelaide now, he was certain of it. If she was tied to Ballarat before, she certainly had no reason to stay now. He would abide by whatever she wished. He wouldn't tie her down and ask her stay as he did the first time. She deserved so much more. It was neither of their faults, but the way he failed to be there for her was shameful. They hadn't a minute to talk together. Jean went straight upstairs after dinner as was her wont. He didn't mistake the look in her eyes. She was probably upstairs packing. What if it had been her Christopher showed up at the door instead of Mei Lin? Lucien, while not a fighting man, would come to fisticuffs for Jean. Lucien knew her value in every living thing that grew in the sunroom, and the garden, every cup of tea. If nothing else he knew that. Fate had dealt them a blow. It was a divide, nothing more. It was selfish of him to think only of his wants. Mei Lin needed him now, but if it was the last thing he would do, he would make it right with Jean.

And with that, for the first time in 2 days, Lucien went to sleep in his own bed.

-FIN-