Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
...
Lucemon Chaos Mode, Demon Lord of Pride, threw back his head and laughed, his black and white wings shaking with triumph as the fallen angel gazed down at his hated foes, the Royal Knights, who stared up at him and the gargantuan beast looming behind him with horror and despair in their eyes. "You are too late, Royal Fools!" Lucemon boomed. "I have revived GranDracmon, and now this Digital World shall come to an end!"
"Fire shall rain from the skies," the ornately robed Daemon, Demon Lord of Wrath, said joyfully. "The evil dead shall rise to avenge themselves on their slayers. All which was imprisoned shall be set free. All cities shall crumble, and civilization will come to an end as the Digital World is engulfed in eternal darkness."
"And in that darkness, we, the Seven Great Demon Lords, shall reign supreme!" the fat and greedy Barbamon, Demon Lord of Greed, boasted. "All shall kneel before us or be destroyed!"
"And once we're finished reducing the Digital World to a burning cinder, we'll go to the Real World, and destroy that too!" Leviamon, Demon Lord of Envy, said, licking his crocodilian lips with glee.
"We will pillage and plunder and destroy until there's nothing left and all of humanity has been exterminated or bent to our will!" Lilithmon, Demon Lord of Lust, proclaimed, clearly aroused by the prospect.
Belphemon, Demon Lord of Sloth, would have said something except he had fallen asleep again, a snot bubble growing from his left nostril. An annoyed Barbamon elbowed him and he woke up with a snort of surprise, his snot bubble popping. "Huh? What? Did I miss something?" The other Demon Lords glared at him. "Oh, uh, and after we've done that, we'll go and destroy some other Digital World, since there are many in other dimensions…or something…" He scratched his horned head. "Was I supposed to say something else?" The other Demon Lords groaned and facefaulted or facepalmed. The Royal Knights sweatdropped and GranDracmon looked down at the smaller demons in confusion.
"You ruined our dramatic speech!" Leviamon snarled. "Ugh, can't you ever remember anything we rehearse?!"
"Sorry," Belphemon said sheepishly.
"Why isn't Beelzemon here to share in this indignity with the rest of us?" Lilithmon hissed in frustration.
"He said he had to go babysit those kids," Daemon replied.
Lilithmon rolled her eyes. "I swear, that oaf has no idea of what it means to be a Great Demon Lord…even if he is sexy in leather. Yum!"
"GRANDRACMON IS HUNGRY," the annoyed GranDracmon bellowed in an oddly gentlemanly and seductive voice. "GRANDRACMON WANTS TO DEVOUR DIGICORES AND DESTROY THE DIGITAL WORLD!"
"And so you shall, GranDracmon," Lucemon said, recovering from the awkward moment Belphemon had caused. He pointed at the eleven armored figures standing defiantly at the base of the burning mountain they were standing on. "Starting with the Royal Knights!"
GranDracmon's many tongues licked his many lips. "MMM, CANNED HEROES! GRANDRACMON'S FAVORITE!"
"We're so screwed," the golden-armored Magnamon whimpered, clutching himself in terror.
The great red dragon Examon sighed in exasperation. "Perfect. Abso-fragging perfect. My first day on the job, and the world's going to end. That'll look great on my resume."
"We haven't lost yet, Knights…not while there's still breath in our bodies!" Alphamon, the black and gold-armored leader of the Royal Knights, said heroically. "As long as we're still standing, the Digital World still has a chance!" He narrowed his eyes "But this will be the biggest battle we've ever fought…we're up against nothing less than the ultimate evil in Digimon form, backed up by our old foes the Seven Great Demon Lords! To win this, we're going to have to pull out all the stops and use every weapon and power available to us!"
Dynasmon gasped, his eyes widening hopefully. "Then…does that mean…"
Alphamon sighed wearily as the other Knights looked at him in horror, desperately begging him with their eyes not to do what he was about to do. "Yes, Dynasmon…you can have your megaphone."
"Oh happy day!" Dynasmon cried joyously as all the other Knights groaned.
Well, all except for Dynasmon's pink-armored paramour Crusadermon, anyway. "A happy day indeed! Now all the Digital World may hear the beauty of your voice and rejoice as we engage our greatest foes in final battle for the fate of all Digimonkind! This fight shall be the subject of countless ballads and stories for centuries to come…and most of them shall be written by myself, of course!" The other Knights groaned again.
"All right Knights, let's do this!" said Alphamon. His armor began to glow. "Alphamon Mode Change to…Alphamon Ultimate War Blade King Dragon Mode!" The sword-wielding dragon OwRyumon appeared out of nowhere and transformed into an immense sword that actually looked a lot like an enormous and very ornate black and gold axe with a smaller blade on its back end which flew into Alphamon's hand, causing his body to flash and for his wings to flare out and become bigger and shinier.
GranDracmon blinked in confusion and scratched his head. "GRANDRACMON THINKS THAT VERY LONG NAME FOR MODE CHANGE. GRANDRACMON CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER IT ALL!"
Lucemon frowned. "It is a rather unnecessarily long name, isn't it?"
"Yeah, that's what we say to him all the time," the blue dragon UlforceVeedramon grumbled. "We say to him, 'Hey, we changed our names so they're less stupid, so why don't you do the same?' But he's all, 'Noooo, I'm the leader of the Royal Knights so I have to have a stupid name, it's the law.'"
Alphamon flushed under his helmet as the other Knights (except Magnamon and a confused Examon) snickered at him. The Demon Lords laughed too. "Oh, grow up already…are you Knights or In-Training Digimon, for the Sovereigns' sake?!"
"Well, Magnamon's an Armor-type, which is pretty close," Dynasmon said rudely.
"HEY!" Magnamon snapped.
"STOP BICKERING AND MODE-CHANGE ALREADY!" Alphamon yelled in frustration at the Knights.
"YEAH, GRANDRACMON SAYS DO WHAT SHINY BLACK AND GOLD KNIGHT SAY! THEN WE CAN FIGHT!" GranDracmon bellowed at the Knights.
The Seven Great Demon Lords sweatdropped. "Isn't he supposed to be on our side?" Belphemon asked Daemon.
"I'm not sure there are any sides anymore…" the Lord of Wrath complained.
"Gallantmon Mode-Change to…Crimson Mode!" Gallantmon cried, his immaculate white armor transforming into more immaculate and super-cool crimson and gold armor with spherical blue crystals and shiny angelic wings of light.
"UlforceVeedramon Mode-Change to…Future Mode!" UlforceVeedramon shouted, bulking up, his beam saber extending, spikes growing from his shoulders, and white markings forming on his armor, which turned a darker blue.
"Come forth, Imperialdramon!" Omnimon commanded. The enormous draconic transport of the Royal Knights appeared out of nowhere. "Transform!"
"Imperialdramon Mode-Change to…Fighter Mode!" Imperialdramon roared, changing into a towering bipedal dragon warrior.
"Omnimon…" Omnimon's arms fell off and his body turned into a sword.
"Imperialdramon…" Imperialdramon grabbed the Omni Sword. He was engulfed in a brilliant white light.
"DNA Digivolve to…IMPERIALDRAMON PALADIN MODE!" Imperialdramon Paladin Mode looked the same as Fighter Mode, except his black armor was white, he was a lot shinier, and he had a huge holy sword.
"I do not have a Mode Change…but I need none, with my impenetrable defense and my Dual Solar Sword!" Craniamon declared as his dual-headed spear shot down from the sky and landed in the ground before him. He tore it out of the ground and twirled it before him dramatically.
"I also have no Mode Change, but with my Red Digizoid armor and my bow Musphelheim and shield Niflheim, I too cannot be bested!" Kentarusmon boasted, the crossbow on his left arm bursting into flame as an icy wind swirled around the shield on his right arm.
"OOH. GRANDRACMON THINKS THEY'RE SHINY," GranDracmon said, impressed.
"We can be shiny," Leviamon said enviously.
The Demon Lords looked over their dark furs, scales, and clothing. They weren't even remotely shiny. "Well, at least I'm still the prettiest," Lucemon said vainly, causing Lilithmon's eye to twitch and her Nazar Nails to lengthen and sharpen.
"We're not done yet!" Alphamon said. "We have plenty of other, brand-new Mode Changes you've never seen before!"
"You do?" asked a surprised Daemon.
"Yes, we do!" Alphamon said.
"I want a Mode Change…" Leviamon whined.
"Um…I don't have a Mode Change…" Examon said sadly.
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get one someday," Gallantmon told the new recruit reassuringly.
"Until then, you'll just have to bask in the wonder that is my new Mode Change!" Dynasmon boasted. He struck a pose. "Dynasmon Mode-Change to…Megaphone Mode!" He whipped out a megaphone and stuck a beret on his head.
"….THAT IT? GRANDRACMON IS NOT IMPRESSED," GranDracmon complained.
"Neither am I," the vaguely feline Leopardmon snickered.
"SHOVE IT UP YOUR HARD DRIVE, KITTY-CAT!" Dynasmon yelled at Leopardmon through his megaphone, causing everyone but Crusadermon to wince and clutch their ears in pain.
"GRANDRACMON NOT LIKE THIS NEW MODE," GranDracmon complained.
"You and us both, big guy," UlforceVeedramon grumbled.
"And now, behold my BEAUTIFUL new Mode!" Crusadermon cried. "Crusadermon, Mode Change to…" She twirled about and posed dramatically with a rose in one hand as a spotlight shone down on her from nowhere and rose petals slowly drifted down from the air. "Crusadermon Eternal Beauty Mode!" A radiant light shone behind her and doves flew all over the place, white feathers falling all around…along with something else…
"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Kentarusmon yelled angrily, firing flaming arrows at some of the receding doves. "Nobody takes a crap on me and gets away with it! Do you have any idea how long it takes to polish this much armor?!" The other Knights sweatdropped, excepting for Crusadermon, who was still posing, and Dynasmon, who was drooling over her for some reason.
"Thank goodness I have my impenetrable force field…" Craniamon muttered.
"Did any get on me? I can't tell, my armor's too white," Imperialdramon Paladin Mode said, inspecting his body anxiously.
"Eternal Beauty? Hmph, she's not so hot," Lilithmon sneered.
"Where did those doves come from?" asked a confused Belphemon.
"GRANDRACMON DOESN'T CARE," GranDracmon muttered as the mouths on his knees chewed, picking white feathers out of his teeth. "GRANDRACMON THINKS THEY MAKE GOOD EATING, THOUGH."
"Everyone ready? Okay!" Alphamon yelled. "Royal Knights-"
"Wait!" Magnamon yelled. "I haven't Mode-Changed yet!"
Everyone looked at the youngest Knight in surprise. "You have a Mode-Change?" UlforceVeedramon asked his cousin.
"Yes! I've been working on it for a while now! Still have a few bugs to work out, though…" Magnamon admitted.
"Very well, let's see what it does," Alphamon said. He glanced at the demons atop the mountain. "Er, if you don't mind waiting a minute longer…"
The Demon Lords were playing cards. "Yeah, sure, go ahead," Lucemon said, waving disinterestedly at the Knights.
"GRANDRACMON WANTS TO KNOW IF ANYONE HAS ANY FIVES," GranDracmon said, examining the incredibly tiny cards he was holding in his massive hands.
"Go fish," grunted Barbamon.
The mouths on GranDracmon's knees hissed, and he angrily pointed a finger at the greedy devil. "YOU LIE! YOU LIE! GIVE GRANDRACMON YOUR FIVES!" Barbamon scowled and reluctantly handed the giant monster a couple of cards. "HAHA! GRANDRACMON HAS ALL THE FIVES NOW! JACKPOT!" The other Demon Lords groaned. The Royal Knights, watching this exchange from below, sweatdropped.
"Right…Magnamon, show us your new Mode," Alphamon said, getting them back on track.
"YES! SHOW US YOUR MOVES!" Dynasmon yelled through his megaphone, causing everyone to wince.
"Sure thing, Captain Dynasmon," Magnamon grimaced. He struck a pose. "Magnamon Mode Change to…" His golden armor released a blinding flash of light…and abruptly exploded, followed by another equally blinding flash…
"AIIIEEE! GRANDRACMON'S EYES BURN!" GranDracmon screamed, clutching his eyes.
The Demon Lords turned green. "I could have happily gone the rest of my life without ever seeing that," Belphemon said queasily.
"I don't find that even slightly erotic," Lilithmon said in disgust.
"This day just gets better and better," Barbamon grumbled.
"Mine's bigger," Lucemon said smugly. The other Demons rolled their eyes.
Magnamon glanced down at himself and found that he was naked. "DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!"
UlforceVeedramon shook his head in exasperation. "Jeez, coz, can't you go one battle without stripping?! Sovereigns, you're such a pervert…"
Magnamon flushed. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS KEEPS HAPPENING! I JUST HAVE REALLY BAD LUCK OR SOMETHING!"
"AND A TINY SOMETHING ELSE!" Dynasmon yelled through his megaphone.
Crusadermon nodded in agreement. "Yes, nobody will ever write a poem about something that puny and shriveled."
"OH, SHUT UP AND DIE!" Magnamon shouted angrily. He pulled out a barrel and quickly used it to cover himself. "Good thing I always keep one of these handy in case of emergencies like these…"
"I guess his new Mode is Barrel Mode, then…" Gallantmon said uncertainly.
Leopardmon smirked. "Heheh, loser."
Craniamon sighed in exasperation as Alphamon put his face in his hands and wept. "I don't believe this. Are we a group of Digital champions, or a bunch of performance artists?"
"Ooh! Ooh! I have a new piece I've been working on!" Crusadermon said eagerly, waving a raised hand in the air. "I haven't finished it yet, but I think it'll be really good! I could show you all if you'd like-"
"NO!" everyone yelled at her. She pouted.
"Well," Alphamon said, recovering himself. "I guess we have no choice but to go forward, even if one of us is without his armor."
"Uh, I could go back to HQ and get a spare-" Magnamon offered.
"There's no time for that now! GranDracmon could destroy the entire Digital World while you're busy searching your closet!" Kentarusmon argued.
Craniamon nodded in agreement. "You'll just have to fight with that barrel on. If all else fails, you can blind GranDracmon with your nakedness, that seemed to work earlier."
"Jeez, will everyone just stop ragging me about that already?!" Magnamon growled.
"NO," Dynasmon shouted through his megaphone.
"All right, if we're all ready?" Alphamon said. He raised his sword. "Royal Knights-"
"Wait!" Imperialdramon interrupted, causing Alphamon to sigh in exasperation and lower his blade.
"What now?!" the leader of the Knights asked angrily.
"Doesn't Leopardmon have an alternate Mode?" Imperialdramon asked.
Craniamon blinked in surprise. "Why yes…now that I think about it, he does. I completely forgot."
"Hey yeah, why don't you turn into it Leopardmon?" UlforceVeedramon suggested.
Leopardmon turned pale. "Er, thanks guys, but, uh, I really don't feel like it. Maybe some other time…"
Kentarusmon frowned. "That's what you've said for the last several battles we've fought in."
"Come to think of it, when's the last time you Mode Changed?" Gallantmon asked. "It's been a while."
"It hasn't been that long guys, honest-" Leopardmon said anxiously.
"He hasn't done it since…since before he changed his name! Yes, that's right," Crusadermon recalled. "I wonder why that is?"
"I just haven't felt like it," Leopardmon said defensively, sweating like mad under his armor. "That's all. Really. And I don't feel like it now, either. So don't bother asking."
"I'm afraid I have to," said Alphamon. "As I said before, this is the greatest battle we've ever fought, and we need all the power at our disposal. If you can Mode-Change, do it. Now."
"But-" Leopardmon protested.
"Leopardmon, I'm losing my patience," Alphamon said in frustration, tightening his grip on his sword. "Mode-Change now, or I will make you Mode-Change. Do I make myself clear?"
"…" Leopardmon sighed. "Yes, sir…" He cringed. "Leopardmon Mode-Change to…" His body shifted and transformed from an armored two-legged Knight to a four-legged armored feline with wings growing from his thighs and a closed helm which caused his head to look like that of a jungle cat with a blond mane. "Leopardmon Leopard Mode!"
Everyone, Demon Lord and Royal Knight alike, stared at him. "Ah," Craniamon said faintly. "Now I see why he hasn't Mode-Changed since he changed his name."
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! LEOPARDMON LEOPARD MODE?! AND I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS STUPID BEFORE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dynasmon laughed loudly through his megaphone. Leopardmon whimpered unhappily, his tail and head sagging.
"It is incredibly redundant, and not the least bit poetic," Crusadermon said sternly.
"At least he has another Mode," Magnamon complained, hitching up his barrel.
"It's not a bad Mode," Imperialdramon said, trying to cheer Leopardmon up. "It's just a little naming problem, that's all."
Leopardmon hid his face between his paws. "That's why I tried to change my name before! Don't you remember?!"
"Oh…yeah…" Imperialdramon said sheepishly.
At least nobody brought up the fact that my Mode-Change doesn't really make sense, a relieved UlforceVeedramon thought to himself. I mean really, UlforceVeedramon Future Mode? What's that supposed to mean?
"I should have stayed with the Tamers," Gallantmon grumbled. "We never had to deal with stupid names there."
"Tamers this, Tamers that…geez, will you just give it a rest already?" asked an exasperated Kentarusmon.
"You never hear us complaining when you whine about that guy with the sunglasses you were so attached to," Gallantmon retorted.
"His name was Sampson!" Kentarusmon snarled. The two red Knights started bickering loudly, while Dynasmon continued to verbally abuse the now-crying Leopardmon and everyone else just looked on awkwardly. Alphamon put his face in his hands. "This is truly our darkest hour. Even darker than the other darkest hours we've already had."
"Why did I leave the Draconic Legion again?" Examon wondered out loud.
The Demon Lords were either laughing or giving each other confused looks. "Are we ever going to start fighting?!" asked an exasperated Lucemon.
"Probably not," Daemon grunted. Belphemon, who had fallen asleep again, snored loudly.
"AHAHAHAHA! LEOPARDMON LEOPARD MODE! THAT IS FUNNIEST THING GRANDRACMON HAS HEARD IN A LONG TIME!" GranDracmon howled.
Barbamon snickered. "If you think that's funny, wait'll you hear what his original name was!"
"WHAT WAS LEOPARDMON'S ORIGINAL NAME?" GranDracmon asked.
Leviamon cackled maliciously. "Duftmon!"
GranDracmon blinked in confusion. "…GRANDRACMON DOES NOT GET IT."
"'Duft' is German for scent," Barbamon explained.
GranDracmon thought about that for a moment. Then he started laughing again, even more raucously than before. He stomped his feet and pounded his fist on the ground, causing the mountain to shake. "AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! 'SCENT MONSTER!' AHAHAHAHAHAHA! SMELLY KITTEN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT FUNNIEST THING GRANDRACMON HAS HEARD IN LONG TIME!" He gestured with a claw, and a dark portal opened in the air. "GRANDRACMON HAS TO TELL THIS TO ALL GRANDRACMON'S FRIENDS IN DARK AREA! THEY'LL GET A KICK OUT OF THIS!"
The Demon Lords started. This was not what they had expected. "Wait a minute!" cried Lucemon. "What about the battle?!"
"Yes, you're supposed to help us destroy the Digital World!" Lilithmon protested.
GranDracmon waved them off carelessly. "GRANDRACMON CAN ALWAYS DESTROY THE WORLD LATER. GOOD JOKES ARE MUCH HARDER TO COME BY! EVERYONE IN DARK AREA HAS TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!"
"But-but-but-" stammered Daemon.
"DON'T WORRY, GRANDRACMON WILL RETURN SOON. IN ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS OR SO," the giant monster promised. "THEN WE DESTROY DIGITAL WORLD…UNLESS YOU HAVE MORE GOOD JOKES!" He walked into the portal. It closed behind him. GranDracmon was gone.
The Seven Great Demon Lords and the Royal Knights all stared at where the enormous devil had vanished in disbelief. "Well, fuck," Leviamon said finally.
Lucemon's face turned red. "ARRGH! We lost again!" He shook his fist furiously at the stunned Knights at the base of the mountain. "Curse you, Royal Knights! Don't think this is over! We'll convince GranDracmon to return somehow, and when we do, the lot of you buffoons are TOAST!" Enraged, he tore open a dark portal and retreated through it. The other Demon Lords gladly followed him, the portal closing behind them. It reopened a second later as Daemon came back out, picked up the still-snoozing Belphemon, and carried him back into the rift in space, which shut once more. It did not open again.
"It's over?" asked a disappointed Imperialdramon, lowering his sword.
"We…won?" asked an incredulous Alphamon.
"I…guess so. Not how I expected to, though," Craniamon admitted.
Kentarusmon shrugged. "Well, a win's a win…right?"
"LOOKS LIKE YOUR POOR HYGIENE SAVED US AGAIN, DUFTMON!" Dynasmon yelled at Leopardmon through his megaphone.
Leopardmon snapped. "FUCK YOU, DYNASMON!" Roaring savagely, he lunged for the passionate knight's jugular. Dynasmon squealed like a girl—amplified by his megaphone to an ear-splitting electronic shriek—as the furious armored leopard proceeded to maul him.
"Sir, Leopardmon's gone crazy and is trying to kill Dynasmon! What do we do?!" Examon cried.
"Nothing," said Alphamon.
Examon blinked. "Nothing?! But-"
"He had it coming," UlforceVeedramon said derisively. Everyone else nodded in agreement.
Examon was stunned. "But he's one of us, a Royal Knight! Aren't we obligated to save our brother in arms?"
"No," everyone said flatly.
"If it were anyone but Dynasmon, and were he being attacked by anyone but Leopardmon, we'd do something," Magnamon admitted. "But he is and they are, so there you go."
"But…but…" Desperate, Examon turned to Crusadermon. "Crusadermon! Dynasmon is your lover! Aren't you going to help him?!"
Crusadermon thought about it for a moment. "Meh. Not in the mood." Examon facefaulted.
"I don't understand…" the big red dragon whimpered as he got back to his feet.
"Neither do we, most of the time," Craniamon said sympathetically, patting Examon on the back. "You get used to it."
"I don't suppose I could still transfer back to the Legion, could I?" Examon asked hopefully.
Alphamon shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry my friend, but you're here to stay. I warned you that you might not like the consequences when you insisted that you were ready to join our organization…"
"And now you're here with us to stay…" said UlforceVeedramon.
"FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!" Magnamon shouted. Everyone stared at him. He flushed. "Sorry…seemed appropriate."
"Riiiight…" Alphamon said slowly. "Anyway…Crusadermon!"
"Yes, Alphamon?" the pink Knight answered.
"You're going to write a ballad about what happened here today, aren't you?" Alphamon asked. Before she could answer, he said, "I want you to lie. Profusely. There were no witnesses here other than ourselves and the Demon Lords, and they'll probably be too embarrassed by what actually happened to counter whatever story we make up. If word of what really happened here gets out, what's left of our reputation is down the drain. Do you understand?"
Crusadermon nodded eagerly. "I shall pen an epic saga that will be revered and sung for ages to come!"
"You do that," said Alphamon. He sighed wearily, his armor feeling very heavy all of a sudden. "If I had known the things I would have to do as leader of the Royal Knights back when I was just Dorumon, I would have turned down Imperialdramon Paladin Mode when he told me it was my destiny to become the greatest hero in the Digital World…"
"I never said that," said the confused Imperialdramon.
"The other one, the one who founded our group. Not you," Alphamon clarified.
"Oh," Imperialdramon said.
"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?!" Dynasmon screamed.
"No," everyone replied.
"I think I'm starting to hate my life," Examon said quietly.
"Don't worry," Kentarusmon said reassuringly. "You get used to that, too."
…