What was, What is, and What might be
(Warning: MAJOR Spoilers for the latest chapters of -man)
There is something Lavi has been thinking of lately. And what he has been thinking about is actually exceptionally deep compared to what we are used to him musing on. He is, despite appearances, really very intelligent, so intelligent in fact that he has the ability to completely hide said intellect. Such an act cannot be put up by one who is not ingenious one way or another.
Setting that aside, the 'something' which has been bugging the bookman apprentice for a while now – he would be lying if he said it did not have anything to do with a certain twosome he's often with. This thing that Lavi has been mulling over might have everything to do with them actually (and perhaps, the word "might" may be ejected from that sentence).
However, to understand what the red head has been trying to make conclusions on, one must be familiarized with a few ideals and ideas that have been circulating in his head. It starts when he rereads Shakespeare's tale Romeo and Juliet, and encounters once again the line Juliet so passionately utters in the second act, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." Lavi isolates the words "What's in a name?" and thinks critically on the answer.
He sits himself on a chair in the library alone, as is usual, for few people in the order have the time to spare for things like books. He might have been dwelling too much in the section with all those books by Greek philosophers, because lately his train of thought has been exceptionally philosophical. It goes something like this:
Often, it is underestimated how crucial names are in this world. Commonly perceived as mere labels, their real functions are taken for granted. They are in fact ontological terms, and it follows, of course, that names actually fortify existences. Reality is made solely out of those which bear names. Those without ones are beyond reality, for man has made it a habit to label everything in the world that surrounds him. Everything in the reality of man has a name it goes by. Names therefore can be considered some of the most powerful words on the planet, for they decide what is part of reality, and what is not. They have the power to bring unworldly concepts down to earth, and make us vaguely fathom ideologies on God and the like.
However, the problem with this power to simplify grand concepts is while words make people understand, they tend to limit people's perceptions of the infinite. The universe, for example, is actually limited by its name, because even if we do understand that it is endless, this idea will never really sink in as much as it is supposed to because we will always think of it a single body (i.e., the universe). Labeling this vast cosmos as "the universe" unifies this otherwise endless mass as a single body (though perhaps this ability to encapsulate supposedly unfathomable ideas merely further magnifies the power held by words (and consequently names)).
The book Lavi was pretending to read falls onto the floor. At first he is much too distracted with his little free fancy (i.e., the counterpart of a 'thought experiment' in philosophy), but soon enough he drops by reality for a moment, and picks his book up. The bookman apprentice furrows his eyebrows, pretends to read his book again, and tries to pick up where his thoughts had left off… He goes on like this:
However, when words work together, they can make us understand things we wouldn't have understood had these words not "worked together". Let us take the word "death" for example. It does not describe an end, per se. In actuality that is just something we have all learned to assume, but the word "death" is essentially describing just the moment when life is lost. Can we then describe death as simply the discontinuity of life? Perhaps. Life is defined by how it is continuous; if it is not continuous then it is no longer life. And so "death" is the word used to describe life's end; however, this "life" of which we refer to is only the life of the physical body. That is, assuming that there is more to a human than the physical existence. In other words: assuming that there is a soul within every person, which is not an absolute truth for everyone. But since it is a truth for some, those who do think the soul exists see death not as the end of life, but as the passage way to "eternal life". Regardless of that fact, it is still possible to define death in terms most men could grasp. Death is the end of the life of our physical being. Death is when all vital parts of our bodies cease to function.
But what if someone cheats death? What if someone could 'start up' again? Would death's definition then, be invalid? Or would he who defies the definition of death be invalid? If so, then does that make Kanda invalid? Perhaps it is true that he might not be an entity that should have existed in the first place. He defies the laws of the earth. But now that he exists, he does not deserve eradication either, not in the least. He is a monstrosity not by choice. He is the deviant entity because they made him that way. They made them that way. But he is the only one left, and so he is alone silently defying death.
Kanda is very touchy when it comes to the topic of death. His philosophy on the matter is one such stand that cannot be shaken. He is convinced that anyone who is even just a little bit human shall meet death one day. That can be an absolute truth or a debatable argument, depending on how one defines death. However, if one takes into account how the word "truth" can only be defined subjectively then it is certainly the latter. To Kanda however, this is an absolute truth; and though it might not be a truth for everyone it is a truth for him, and it therefore is not false. There is no one such thing as truth. Be that as it may, this unshakable faith in that one absolute truth is one of the fundamental traits of Kanda. He is not really, per se, single minded. This is something he just wants to be, because he wants to isolate himself from others. Perhaps he believes that he shouldn't care about others, because he thinks they're going to make him kill whoever he gets close to in the end. Much like what happened with Alma.
Alma was probably somebody Kanda wanted to forget, but at the same time refused to erase from his memory. Alma is also probably the reason why Kanda hates Allen so much. Perhaps he is afraid that he'll have to kill another 'shiny' person. People who had personalities that just sparkled like that were already such a rarity on this earth; one such rarity that everyone coveted. Allen had a sparkly personality. Lenalee had a sparkly personality. Kanda made a mistake with Lenalee – that is, he got a bit too close, but that, he can no longer correct. Allen, however, he has managed to avoid somehow, if only more than others. But has Allen managed to avoid him? The answer to that question is probably— no.
"What's up with Kanda's tattoo?" Lavi recalls that when Allen said this, he looked like the question has been bugging him for the longest time.
"I'm not actually in the position to tell you anything about that," the red head remembers replying. "Unless of course, you can tell me that you are in the position to know."
The snow haired exorcist had begun staring at his feet right then. Now Lavi didn't know how far their relationship went. Were Kanda and Allen merely unwilling allies? Were they awkward friends? Or were they, Lavi dares think, clandestine lovers? It used to be so easy to say that they were the first of those three options, but lately, their tandem was more difficult to define. They always had complicated moods around each other, so much that the only thing more complicated than their moods was their expressions. But what really makes their relationship hard to define are the things Lavi cannot help but overhear. Things only he has heard and kept to himself, things he does not dare put meaning into because in actuality, it is none of his business.
"This was a mistake." It was unmistakably Kanda's voice, deep, rough, uncannily cold. The bookman apprentice remembers that he was just about to knock on Allen's door then, and he was most surprised when he heard the sword wielding exorcist's voice coming from within. He could not have interrupted, because from the sound of the Japanese's voice, it was most definitely a conversation which had a seriousness that Lavi could not have understood at that moment. That silence ensued for the longest moment magnified that fact.
The red head had inwardly sighed in relief when the British exorcist finally spoke: "I know it is," he had said. "I know it is, but I don't know why it is. Can you tell me why?"
Lavi remembers that there had been another uncomfortable pause after that question.
"No."
And that one word had a heavy weight of conflicting emotions tied to it.
The bookman apprentice had felt such guilt for hearing that small morsel of their conversation. When Kanda said it was a mistake, what had he meant? There were an infinite number of possible "its" and various reasons why it could be a mistake. But if one narrows it down to the logical choices, it was either an issue on friendship or an issue on love. Lavi has been continually trying to tell himself that it was the former, but the gravity of the situation felt too heavy for that. However, it is not as if he could bring himself to believe that it was the latter either. It seemed too unlikely, almost sudden. But what if it hadn't been sudden, what if Allen's strong desire to stay behind with him back in the Ark was not just a case of Allen being Allen? It was beginning to seem possible, mostly because Lavi now realizes that the snow haired exorcist had not so vehemently wanted to stay behind with anyone else. It was as if the idea of Kanda dying scared him more than the idea of anyone else's death. Even if he did not dwell on it so much the moments after they had left, when Kanda emerged, so gloriously alive, Allen had been so relieved he was brought to tears. The swordsman was not as annoyed by the gesture as he would and should have been.
Perhaps Kanda was just deceptively unimportant to the story of Allen Walker. Maybe he was always a vital piece of the story, but was the kind of character who lurked in the shadows feigning irrelevance. Or maybe it was all just crashing down now because the universe loved to spite Allen. Only now when it is becoming apparent that everyone has been wrongly judging Kanda's character did fate decide to be cruel and give us signs of his imminent demise. What secrets will be buried along with him when it happens? And when it happens, will the age-old war finally reach its zenith? If that is what will transpire, it is only a matter of time before there is nowhere to run.
Though perhaps, Lavi thinks, they have just been clouding their minds with false hope when they think to themselves that the time when there will be nowhere to run is still in the future, perhaps that time was actually now. If the time was now, thinks the bookman apprentice, he and his mentor might not even live long enough to write down how the Millennium Earl falls (or if he was going to be pessimistic, how the Black Order falls and how humanity falls). Lavi would not be lying if he said he was scared. Everyone was certainly frightened. And it is "the end" which frightens them most, the thought that everyone will be facing certain death.
"There is death, as long as you are human" is the line Kanda Yuu tells himself, excluding himself from the list of those who fear death. Simple, yet painfully true, Kanda's ideology stands to comfort only those who are not afraid to accept the truth that every life's story ends the same way— and that ending is death. Does this comfort Allen? No it does not. Allen hates death with a passion, or at least the death of others, his own demise he doesn't so much mind. This is one of the things that Lavi quite dislikes about him actually, he's being unfair to those who care for him.
"What are you thinking about Lavi?" Lenalee, who just asked that question, is one of those people whom Allen is being unfair to.
"This and that…" the red head knows that he's being unfair too, just dismissing the question with a shrug and a vague statement, but it wasn't as if him being honest was going to help anybody. Allen getting over his martyr complex was questionably helpful to society, but it would surely make many people feel better.
"What is 'this' and what is 'that'?" Lenalee seems to be in the mood to pry today, Lavi gathers.
"Words and meaning I guess…" the bookman apprentice decides to reply.
"What about them?" she asks further.
"I was thinking about how on earth we all still understand each other, when words can actually have endless meanings."
"Because there is such a thing as normality?" and though she sounds unsure, the Chinese girl actually gave a good answer.
"That's a very good explanation Lenalee," Lavi finds himself saying, eyes slightly wide.
"Your intelligence must be rubbing off onme" she laughs, and the red head then replies "Flattery will get you nowhere."
"Don't care," she says "I'm exactly where I want to be anyway."
The bookman apprentice laughs and exclaims, "Touché Lenalee! Touché…"
……………………………….
Kanda Yuu thinks he's made another mistake. He had sworn to himself, that Alma would be the last. "This was a mistake," and he tells himself that he should leave. The growing attachment was one thing; actual lip-locking was taking it too far. When Kanda sees Allen's dejected expression he almost regrets saying anything, but he stops himself, andthinks about how this is the right thing to do. The kiss, as wonderful as it might have felt, was wrong in every way possible; or at least the Japanese thought so.
"I know it is." Despite himself, this reply genuinely surprised Kanda. "I know it is, but I don't know why it is. Can you tell me why?"
In his mind, the response was immediate. No, no he couldn't say why, because the damn bean wouldn't understand. He wouldn't know what it was like to kill the person most important to you, to watch yourself mercilessly tearing apart your loved one limb from limb. He knows his expression right now is sour, and maybe that actually made it inappropriate for the situation, because usually Allen would deserve an explanation.
"No," he finally says, breaking the long silence. The snow haired one in front of him wore the most conflicted expression he had seen in a long while. It was as if he was debating on whether to scream in anger or to burst into tears. Allen ends up doing neither, all he does is press his lips together till they form a straight line. A few seconds pass, Kanda doesn't move at all. The Englishman begins biting his lower lip.
After another idle moment, the Japanese finally speaks up and says "I'm leaving."
"Are you leaving this room or the one who owns it?"
There was no moment of thought in between that question and the word "Both." Kanda, thereafter, leaves the room, refusing to ponder on what Allen's reaction might have been.
……………………………….
One of the things Allen is proud of knowing is that people cannot escape pain. Although that's ok, he thinks, because without pain, people would know not what happiness was. Another thing Allen knows about this topic, which he is not so proud of, is that pain, in whatever form it might come to you, usually sucks. There are many memorable moments of pain in Allen's forsaken life. Mana's death was the first emotionally scarring one, the guilt from turning him into an akuma became another. The bruises he'd get from fending off the people Cross Marianne owed, the climb to the Order, Tyki Mikk ripping out his Innocence, not having Innocence when others needed help, having to leave his friends behind and knowing later that they might have died, having to leave Kanda and consequently having to accept the possibility that he might never make it, and that he would never be able to see him again….
If not for these things, Allen would not have known the joy of having dreams with Mana in it, winning money from cheating in a Poker game, successfully paying Cross's debts, gloriously making it atop the mountain (cliff?) on which the order was perched on, seeing his master (Cross Marianne) defeat Tyki effing Mikk, regaining his Innocence in the most over-the-top cool way possible, knowing his friends were alive and kicking (and that he means almost literally), and then of course there is the joy of seeing Kanda emerge (ALIVE) from who knows where, obviously wounded but still looking immaculate as usual with his impossibly unscarred skin and almost annoyingly beautiful face. When Allen thinks about these things, tears are brought to his eyes because of the overwhelming sensation that is joy. He is also very open about this new found appreciation for happiness of his.
"I'm glad you're alive, Kanda," this the Englishman says before exaggeratedly sniffling. It happened not too long ago, when they were both in the cafeteria. At the time, things between them weren't so complicated yet.
"Don't give me that look, I actually mean it you know." By 'that look' Allen meant Kanda's cynical and utterly disbelieving expression.
"And what am I supposed to do now that you've so graciously shared your feelings?"
"Rejoice?" the snow haired one not-so humbly suggests, to which the Japanese replies with an eye roll and the sound "Tsch".
When Allen attempts to seat himself across the swordsman, he is stopped by the words "Just because you opened up to me doesn't mean we're close."
"Just because I told you I'm glad you're alive doesn't mean I opened up to you," the retort is delivered in a calm, smartass manner. A sword is thereafter pointed at his face, andafter what is decidedly a very girly gasp, Allen raises his arms in defeat, stands up, and walks away.
And that is actually the moment that started it all. That is why Allen hates Kanda, and that is also why he loves him. What he means by 'love,' he'd rather not expound on. Regardless of what he meant, he still knew that something had begun, and that there was probably no turning back.
Until of course, when Kanda put his foot down, and shoved him away. When Allen talks about Kanda on later dates, it is not without much remorse.
……………………………….
Surreal was the appropriate word, for no other term fitted the situation quite as well. If anything, there were actually no words to describe how Kanda had felt when he opened his eyes to see someone he had so very much wanted to both see and avoid. The name Alma didn't quite fit him anymore, but then again it had never fit him. It was his name for it was, in a way, his composition. Alma, one of the second. There was something about his imprisonment that seemed almost too poetic. The situation was so stunningly beautiful and disturbing at the same time. This is further intensified by Kanda's eyes, because he sees not only an almost completely mangled almost-corpse suspended in a mysterious container beneath his feet, but also an endless sea of lotus flowers in full bloom.
People who knew are surrounding him. People who are there to see the massacre are arranged in a circle around him. But nobody knows what he is thinking, and no one knows what Allen would say if he was there; it would have likely been an ignorant opinion, but that wasn't what mattered anyway. When the Englishman does arrive, there are too many things going on and his focus is on other things. Kanda continues to gape.
……………………………
They are all undecided; the end has yet to be foreseen.
……………………………
(A/N:Epic-ly random actually, as are most of my oneshots (also, behold my sucky titles and endings!). Anyway, because it popped out of virtually nowhere, this fic has a poor flow of scenes. I am sorry. Hope you enjoyed it anyway. This was inspired by the very Yuullen-ish nature of DGM ch 189 and the awesome implications of ch 188. BTW: Thanks to Ame Mika'zuki for editing this fic for me ^^.)