AN: This was written right after I finished 147 Days and it is unfinished as I decided to go a different rout. I completely forgot that I had written it until I found it while organizing my computer this weekend. Please understand this story is unfinished and will remain so because I'm going to rip it to pieces and start over.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine along with any other characters you don't recognize.

I'm running out of ways to make you see

I want you to stay here beside me

I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am

So just tell me today and take my hand

Please take my hand

Please take my hand

- Snow Patrol, Just Say Yes

Saturday May 26, 2012

It has been a difficult few weeks. The teams' feelings of abandonment have not receded over the past dozen days, never mind the catastrophe of Catherine's reaction. The day after JJ's wedding to Will, Hotch and Emily announced that she would be resigning from the BAU and leaving the country at the end of the month. She's been asked to run Interpol's London office. I suspect Abigail's presence in London and Emily's growing unease with the work we do here at the BAU hindered our case for her to remain. She told me she doesn't feel like this is home anymore.

I have tried to convince Catherine that this will not be like last year when we thought Emily dead, because we will be able to contact her. Admittedly, I haven't tried all that hard. My disgust, not with her method of revelation but that she would do this to Catherine, is still at war with my knowledge that Emily is doing what is best for Emily.

I lean back in my chair and stare down at Catherine's tiny black pearl promise ring resting innocently, if significantly dwarfed, on my large palm. I suppose it's a good thing Catherine is taking Maura, Henry, Jack and Declan to the water slides today and left her ring behind because she didn't want to lose it. Especially since it was unquestionably a bad idea to take the ring without asking, even if I am able to contemplate certain things leisurely while staring at it.

In truth I have been contemplating how to go about this properly for months, or years if I am to be entirely honest with myself, that was why I gave Catherine the promise ring in the first place. The original question was; how does one declare one's intentions more loudly than I had already? My aversion to physical contact is almost nonexistent while around her and she's allowed to read my first editions outside of my apartment. She's always been allowed to sleep over. While it was bizarre at first because I hadn't had another person's habits to consider from the time I was a teenager and still living with my mother until Catherine practically moved in last year, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Watching Rossi walk JJ down the aisle at her wedding hasn't changed anything I wasn't already planning to do; it hasn't even sped up my undeniably diminishing timetable. There is however the matter of my daydreams of a child who would look at Catherine the way Henry looks at JJ.

I- we made a promise of forever but to whom am I supposed to ask for permission for Catherine's hand? I smile as I remembrance how our promise of forever came about.

Several months earlier:

Catherine had been dozing on the couch, her legs in my lap covered by a blanket.

My attention was split between my book and Catherine's hair, which continuously caught the early morning sunlight in streaming through my living room window, making it look like spun gold. I nudged her awake and said, "Give me your hand," and held my much larger hand out for Catherine's tiny one.

She grumbled at me incoherently for a moment before her mind caught up with where she was. Then she sent me a brilliant smile.

"Your hand," I reminded her quietly unable to stop myself from smiling back.

Catherine sat up and laid her hand in mine face down.

I raised an eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes and flipped her hand so that it was palm up.

I placed a small box wrapped in blue wrapping paper, matching Catherine's eyes on top of our hands.

"What is it?" Catherine asked suspiciously.

"A gift," I replied with a secretive smile and took my hand back.

Catherine looked back and forth between the small box and before giving in and unwrapping her gift.

A sharp intake a breath would have told me what happened even if I hadn't been able to see her hands for want of watching her face.

"Spence?" she whispered almost inaudibly.

"It's a promise ring," I answered her unasked question.

She looked up at me, shock making her eyes a paler blue than usual.

"Aren't you going to try it on?" I prompted her, unfazed by her shock and inability to speak.

She audibly swallowed and her eyes continued to search my face. "Are you absolutely sure?" she whispered finally.

I smiled and squeezed her free hand; "It's my promise of forever, if you'll have it."

She nodded and whispered, "Forever and ever," with a smile.

I took the ring from its box and held my hand out a second time, this time no words were necessary.

Catherine placed her hand in mine and watched silently as I slipped the ring onto the ring finger on her left hand.

"Merry Christmas Catherine," I said.

"Merry Christmas Spence, and thank you for my gift," she whispered blushing. Her face turned serious, "I love you," she said confidently.

I felt like my heart was going to burst, "And I, love you."

I smile happily; I like the idea of forever. But back to what I need to figure out. Tradition dictates the prospective groom asks the father or father figure of the bride to be for her hand in marriage. Unfortunately Catherine's father is dead, as are both grandfathers. What about Hotch or Rossi? They're sort of father figures to both of us. I look up at the closed office doors and frown; No, that's not right. Maybe Morgan? I chance a brief glance across at my friend and colleague who is diligently writing a report and sigh. No not him either. I close my eyes well I certainly can't ask myself, I shudder, that would be oh so very wrong. Okay so there are no father figures available. That leaves mothers. I frown again; well Garcia doesn't fit the criteria for a mother figure. She's more of an older sister or eccentric aunt. Strauss? No, definitely not! I frown. This leads me back to my original problem; whom do I ask, JJ or Emily?

"What have you got there pretty boy?" Morgan asks, interrupting my internal deliberations.

Startled, I look up. "Nothing," I reply a shade too quickly and slip the ring out of sight.

Morgan frowns at me, "Was that Catherine's ring? She didn't give it back did she?"

I school my expression and stand up, "It's nothing Morgan. I'm going to get more coffee."

I can feel Morgan's stare on my back as I cross the bullpen to the small kitchenette.

Inspiration strikes as I am adding sugar to my cup. Why can't I ask both Emily and JJ? I frown and consider the calendar on the counter; this will take some covert coordination but I should be able to pull it off in time. It doesn't matter how angry Catherine is with Emily and her decision to leave at the moment, it will be important later that I asked permission from the two most important women in her life.

Thursday May 31, 2012

"Emily! I wanted to catch you before you left," I blurt out happily as soon as she answers her phone.

"Reid," she says very carefully, "Is something wrong?"

"No." I frown, "Well not exactly."

Emily sighs, "Reid I'm still not finished packing and my plane is scheduled to leave early Saturday morning."

My shoulders droop and I say apprehensively, "I need to see you, meet with you before you leave."

"Spencer what's wrong? Is this about your headaches?" Emily sounds worried.

I hurry to reassure her, "It's not about my headaches. Nothing is wrong Emily, I just have something to ask you."

I can tell by her tone of voice that Emily is pinching the bridge of her nose, "And you can't do it over the phone?"

I fiddle with the ring box, "Not properly."

She sighs again.

I fidget in my chair, "I'm sorry Emily."

She snorts, "You sound like Catherine."

"Is she there?" I ask, unable to keep the bliss out of my voice at Emily's mention of Catherine.

Emily sighs, "No. I haven't seen her today. She's been a rather infrequent sight around here recently."

I wince. To say that Catherine really hasn't taken Emily's decision to leave again well is being too kind. In reality the situation is actually closer to an unmitigated disaster. All I know is that she said a few unkind things and stormed out. "Did you need someone to watch Maura?" I ask.

"No," Emily lets out a pained sigh, "She's out with Catherine."

For a second I wonder if Maura is nearly as upset as Catherine. Maura adores Catherine and Catherine has become rather taken with the idea of being a big sister to someone.

"And Declan?" I ask hesitantly.

"He's spending the day with Tom," Emily replies stiltedly.

I bite my lip, "So can I come over and speak with you?"

Emily sighs, "Yes Spencer."

Just say yes,

Just say there's nothing holding you back

It's not a test,

Nor a trick of the mind, only love

It's so simple and you know it is

You know it is, yeah

We can't be to and fro like this

All our lives

You're the only way to me

The path is clear

What do I have to say to you

For Gods sake, dear

- Snow Patrol, Just Say Yes

Thursday June 21, 2012

5:30 am

I curse inaudibly and increase the length and speed of my strides as I follow the whimpering sounds out of the living room, down the hall, and into my bedroom. I pause momentarily at the door to assess the situation.

Catherine in the throws of a nightmare; is curled up in the middle of my bed crying. She's tangled in various colourful blankets and clutching my pillow to her chest.

Damn it, why did I leave? She was fine until I left. I sigh and sits down on my side of the bed and say coaxingly, "Wake up my love. Come on Catherine wake up."

Catherine is startled into awareness when my arms wrap around her. "You left," she whispers in a distressed tone of voice, "You were gone!"

"Only for a moment," I reply and proceed to help Catherine untangle herself from the blankets. I frown momentarily at the implications of her sentence hit me, "Did you notice before you woke up?"

She frowns in contemplation, "I think so." Her eyes silently asking me why I left.

"Was it the same night terror as last night?" I ask gently and add silently and just about every night for the past several weeks.

She nods wordlessly and sniffs.

"They're not real," I add unnecessarily and slide under the covers to get closer to my Catherine.

"I know that," she whispers.

I frown in confusion, "Then why pretend that they are?"

"I'm not pretending Spencer," Catherine says as glares icily back at me. "They're real enough when I'm asleep," she continues mulishly.

I am not offended, nor am I effected by the glare. I run my fingers through her hair, "You know you're allowed to be happy, right? It was not your fault and while we're on this topic," I tap her nose, "You're not supposed to repent for other people's sins."

She nods once.

I tighten my grip on my love, "Do you believe me?"

She shrugs.

I sigh and whisper, "I love you."

Catherine curls into me, resting her head above my heart, "I know you do, and I love you too Spence."

I kiss her forehead tenderly and promise, "I'll be here for as long as you want me."

"Forever?" she half asks half demands.

I nod, "Forever," and a smirk momentarily covers my face before I blank it carefully, lest she see.

Catherine closes her eyes and concentrates on slowing her breathing.

I hum, "I was going to ask you over dinner tonight, but this seems like a good time."

Catherine looks at me quizzically, "What were you going to ask Spence? It's early and I haven't slept properly."

I take a deep breath, exhale and push my hair back out of my eyes. I unwrap Catherine's arms from my torso and sit up. I slip off the far side of the bed and walk around slowly, trying to prepare myself for what I am about to do.

Catherine watches my progress filled with trepidation, her breathing speeding up and becoming shallower the closer I get.

I approach her side of the bed, twists my hand and wrist and suddenly there is a small velvet box resting on my palm. I've been practicing this particular trick for weeks. I get down on one knee directly in front of Catherine and flip open lid of the box.

"Oh, no! Please, you don't have to do this Spence! Not now!" Catherine whispers petrified. She stands and tries to make my rise as well by pulling on my arms. "Please, please get up!"

I remove Catherine's hands from my arms and clasps both of her tiny hands in one of my larger ones. "There's no reason to be afraid Catherine, and there is every reason to do this properly. To do this now," I whisper and squeeze her hands reassuringly.

Catherine's knees start to wobble and she sits back down on her chair.

We watch each other silently as the early morning sunlight streams in through the window and chases away the shadows of the night.

I stare deeply into her blue eyes and start to speak; "When I met you, you were still a child but only in the context of your age. You have seen some of the horrors this world has to offer, you didn't come out unscathed but no one could have accomplished that. You survived Catherine, and that you did makes you even more extraordinary. You have survived every single thing that has been thrown at you. I feel privileged to have gotten a chance to watch you grow into the wonderful woman I see before me today.

Nine years could be an insurmountable age gap for some, but not for us. You have been the most important person in my life for several years now and I am honoured that you have given your heart to me and I am and have been beyond ecstatic to give you mine in return.

I promise to love and honour and cherish and protect you but most of all I promise to let you be you. Because there is no one else I would rather you be, you're perfect. There were no others, there are no others; there will never be another for me. Catherine Jareau will you marry me?"

"Yes. A thousand times yes," she whispers, tears streaming down her face.

I wipe the tears from her cheeks gently. "You deserve to be happy Catherine, and I like to think that I make you happy."

Catherine throws her arms around my neck, hides her face in the crook of my neck and whispers, "You do."

I nudge Catherine's head with my own.

She pulls back with a smile on her face, her eyes still bright with unshed tears.

I kiss her lips softly as I slip the ring on her finger; it fits perfectly. I smile and say a silent thank you to my godson for finding out what size ring Catherine wears all those months ago.

"What is it?" she asks studying the ring on her left hand.

I don't even bother to keep the sarcasm out of my words, "An engagement ring,"

She rolls her eyes and pushes my shoulder gently, "I meant the stone Spence."

"I know you did," I answer smugly.

She lets out a nearly inaudible huff of frustration.

"The band is white gold," I say, continuing to deliberately draw my answer out.

"No! Really?" She says caustically and gives me one of the looks of impatience I so love to be the cause of.

I give in and answer properly, "The stone is Alexandrite."

A look passes over her face so quickly that in trying to analyze it I almost miss what Catherine says next.

"That's twice," she murmurs.

Not following I say, "Pardon?"

"That's twice," she repeats, "You've given me two of my birthstones."

"You're wrong," I reply with a smirk.

"What?" she asks tearing her eyes away from her engagement ring.

"This is the third time," I say, pleased with myself. I did after all put a lot of thought into this.

She frowns then it clicks, "The moonstone ring! But Spence you gave that to me ages ago!" She looks up at me expectantly.

"On your eighteenth birthday," I reply cautiously.

She frowns, "You were. You were weren't you?"

"I was what?" I play dumb, I'm not very good at it but Catherine usually likes word games.

"Waiting for me to grow up?" she frowns and adds, "Declaring your intentions?"

I raise an eyebrow and wait silently.

"Be honest," she says cupping my face in her hands, "Did you love me then Spence?"

I contemplate her question before answering, "I would have waited longer to give you the first ring, but I didn't want to."

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," she murmurs and kisses my forehead, "But I suppose it will have to do." She pulls back and gazes into my brown eyes, "Unless you're willing to give me a direct yes or no?"

I raise an eyebrow and counter her question with one of my own, "When did you first know you loved me?"

Catherine smiles, "Did Jen ever tell you what I asked her that first time we met?"

I shake my head.

She blushes, "After you fell asleep I asked Jenny if I could keep you."

I did not know that. I blush, "That's a crush, that's not love."

Catherine shrugs and then yawns.

"Did you want to call anyone?" I ask, remembering that as something my mother told me Catherine might want to do.

Catherine shakes her head, "Not just now Spence."

"Okay," I murmur, unsure why she doesn't want to call JJ. I am well aware why Catherine might not want to call Emily. She's still feeling abandoned which is a reasonable reaction. And good, being able to be angry with Emily for leaving again means Catherine is doing better.

She looks at me and pouts, "Do we have to be awake right now Spence? You don't have to go in to the BAU today right?"

I look at Catherine's alarm clock on my bedside table before answering, "No," with a smile. "Hotch gave everyone a few days off after the last case."

"Good," She smiles sleepily at me and pulls back the covers, "Come to bed."

I start to stand up.

"Where are you going?" she asks opening her eyes the briefest flash of fear present.

I point next to her, "To my side of the bed."

She huffs, "Don't be silly. There is no need for you to walk all the way around the bed. You can sleep on this side or you could just climb over me." She smiles winningly at me at her last suggestion.

I hum and lean over so I can do just that.

Catherine's small hand on my arm stops my progress when I'm stretched out above her.

I look down questioningly.

She pulls gently on my neck with her other hand.

I lean down with a raised eyebrow.

Catherine grins impenitently kisses me passionately.

I return the kiss with just as much emotion.

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back

It's not a test,

Nor a trick of the mind, only love

Just say yes, coz I'm aching and I know you are too

For the touch of your warm skin

As I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt

This was all I wanted, all I want

- Snow Patrol, Just Say Yes

AN2: Thank you for reading.