Title: Benny Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Rating: T
Summary: The Bohemians decide to go Christmas caroling, and end up heading to Westport and calling at the doorstep of Alison Grey and the notorious Benjamin Coffin III. Holiday songfic. : Angel lives, all major characters included!
Notes: Ahaha, it always seems that a little thank-you must go out to Steph, as I always seem to be randomly inspired to write things while talking to her. : So, a little kudos to Stephanie Pascal is in order! (huggles)
Also a teensy little kudos to my brother as well.
Just trying to get a little into the holiday spirit. Yay!
Also, yes this based on that little ditty, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy. I don't own the original lyrics to that song, but the new lyrics in this fic are of my own creation.
ALSO VERY IMPORTANT, I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF OBVIOUS WHERE THE SONG BEGAN, SO I DIDN'T BOTHER TO ITALIZE THE LYRICS. YOU GET THE IDEA, I HOPE. I'M KIND OF LOW ON TIME AS I'M POSTING THIS! XD
--------------
Maureen, not quite unexpectedly, burst into the loft one chilly evening before Christmas. She didn't bother knocking, as the action seemed unimportant compared to the brilliant idea that was churning within the diva's brain.
"Everyone!" She called cheerily, "We're going caroling!"
"Hello to you, too, Maureen." Collins said from the couch.
"Aw, hey Collins!" Maureen screamed in greeting, throwing her arms around her friend. "Where's everybody else off to?"
"Looking for me?" Mark said from behind his camera. "Close on Maureen Johnson, who is about to try and make us all go caroling with her."
"And I'm going to succeed, Marky." She said decidedly, wrapping her padded arms around Mark's torso in a hug. "Hey, what do you say you put down the camera, just for awhile, so we can go sing to people on their doorsteps?"
Mark shrugged, "Hey, I'm in. Collins?"
"Whatever."
Maureen beamed. "I knew I could count on you guys!"
Just then, the door flew open, revealing Joanne. "Honestly, Maureen! You could give your girlfriend a little warning before you sprint off into the snow while you're standing in line at the grocery store! I was dropping cantaloupes trying to keep up and little old ladies were tripping like crazy!"
"Aw, sorry, Pookie!" Maureen said brightly, placing a giant smooch on Joanne's face. "I was excited! I have this wonderful idea to go caroling, and..."
"Hey, guys!" Mimi greeted, entering the loft behind Joanne. "What's all this?"
"MIMI!" Maureen screeched, "We're going caroling!"
Mimi smiled. "Let me get my coat."
Maureen looked beside herself at Mimi's immediate agreement. She peered around the loft, "ROGER! GET YOUR COAT ON, IDIOT! WE'RE LEAVING!"
"Okay, goodbye." Roger muttered, coming into the main room with a huff.
"You're coming too, dumbass!"
"Says who?" Roger asked cockily, as Mark tightened his scarf around his neck.
"Says my fist." Maureen replied. "And you don't want to know what it will say if you refuse."
"Something along the lines of, 'Fuck you, Davis, we're going caroling right now, because I said so', I'm guessing." Angel said, as she appeared, flopping onto the couch beside Collins.
"ANGEL, YAY!" Maureen yelled.
"I heard something about caroling, so I hurried as fast as I could."
"Ang, I thought you were all the way down the street, drumming?" Collins asked.
"Like I said, I heard something about caroling, so I came."
"People over in Malaysia and Hong Kong heard something about caroling." Mark assured everyone, pointing not so discreetly at the loud-mouthed Maureen.
"They set off emergency caroling sirens." Angel concluded.
"I should get one of those..." Maureen interrupted quietly, then said louder, "Look, we have to get going! So Roger, quit being such a killjoy and get your coat on right now!"
"I'm not going to freeze my beautiful ass off by caroling in the fucking dead of winter. So you all have fun. Meanwhile, I'll warm my tootsies in front of the wood-burning stove and make cocoa with cinnamon... and little gingerbread cookies too! And I'll be merry. So ha!" Roger told them.
"Party pooper." Mimi spat playfully, as she entered the room, donning her leopard-print coat.
"Yeah! Gosh, Roger... you're no fun." Collins laughed from the couch.
"I see no fun in running around from door to door in the snow singing cheery holiday tunes." Roger pointed out.
They all stared at him. "You're blind, then.' Mimi stated.
Roger smirked, pursing his lips together in amusement.
"But you haven't heard the best part of the plan yet!" Maureen insisted urgently.
"No." Roger said quickly. "I haven't even heard it, and I already know my answer: No."
"But Roger!"
"No."
"Just let me..."
"No!"
"Come on..."
"Nope."
"Roger!"
"That's me.'
"Will you listen to me for just a second?"
"Hmmm. No."
"But..."
"NO!"
"ButwecangotoWestportandcarolatBennyandAlison's!" Maureen slurred all the words together so that Roger couldn't possibly interrupt.
Roger just stared. "I have no clue what the hell you just said, Mo."
"I said..."
"Never mind, I don't need to know anyway, because I believe I already said no."
"But ROGER!!!!" Maureen said, feigning tears and begging with him.
"Not working."
"ROGER DAVIS, YOU WILL GO CAROLING WITH ME OR I SWEAR, I'LL GIVE YOU CAT LITTER FOR CHRISTMAS, and NOTHING ELSE!" She threatened.
"I don't really give a..."
"GOSH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO...?"
"Just give up! I said no!"
"ROOOOGGGEEERRRRRRRR!"
Just then, in exasperation, Roger threw himself at the chair, crumpling his body lazily and rubbing his temples. "Shut up...!"
"If you go caroling, I will." Maureen promised.
"That I highly doubt.." Joanne whispered.
"POOKIE!" Maureen protested to her girlfriend.
"Sorry, honeybear." Joanne apologized abruptly.
Maureen, satisfied, yelled directly into Roger's ear. "ROGER, COME CAROLING RIGHT NOW!"
"Ahhhhh..." Roger moaned. "I swear, if you ask me one more time, I might just die."
Maureen crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Roger, will you please pretty please with holly, tinsel, candy canes, and all things of holiday cheer on top come caroling with us?"
"Noooo..." Roger sighed and closed his eyes.
"You killed him." Angel stated coldly. "Maureen, how could you?"
"He's faking it, obviously, Angel!"
"I know, sweetie. I was just kidding, of course!" Angel answered. "Drama queens." she whispered to Collins.
"Someone just bring Roger back to life already!!" Joanne announced, in her lawyer-voice.
Mimi graciously stepped forward. "Roger, baby, will you please pretty please with holly, tinsel, candy canes, and all things of holiday cheer on top wake up and come caroling with all of us?"
"Duh, I already tried that phrase, it doesn't affect him!" Maureen shouted.
"And..." Mimi said deviously. "... mistletoe!"
"MISTLETOE????!!!!" Roger screamed at the top of his voice, leaping into the air, hitting his head against the ceiling, and coming back down with a tremendous crash. "Owww."
"Roger loves mistletoe." Mimi said simply.
"Shit, Roger." Collins said, breathing heavily. "I think I may have just made gingerbread cookies in my pants."
Roger sat up on the floor, brushing himself off. "Alright, I'll go, if I get said promised mistletoe rendezvous... but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it."
"What the...? But Roger, you love terrorizing Muffy and Benny!" Mark said, confused.
"Who said anything about Muffy and Benny?"
"Maureen did, though incomprehensibly." Collins replied.
"Well, damn... if I had known we'd be crashing the Coffin Family Christmas, I'd have agreed straightaway!"
"Really?"
"Sure, with some mistletoe encounters thrown in on the side, yeah."
"YAY!" Maureen yelled. "Now get your coat on, and let's go to Westport!"
Soon, the Bohos were properly bundled for the weather, and were setting out to Westport. They took a subway for a good portion of their journey, and walked otherwise, sometimes stopping to perform for people on the street.
Mimi, face glowing turned to her friends. "I just love Christmas! This is so much fun! Isn't it Roger?"
Roger, shaking snowflakes from his hair irritably, replied. "Yeah, yeah... sure... wonderful, just wonderful, Meems."
"Well, I like the snow!" Angel declared, kissing Collins directly afterward.
"Me too." The professor mumbled almost inaudibly into Angel's lips.
Mark's teeth chattered as he added, "Th-there's a-a-always lots of b-bu-bums to f-film at Chr-ris-stmastime."
Everyone looked at Mark, trying not to laugh.
"Christmas is so cold." Roger mumbled moodily.
"An excuse to snuggle!" Maureen said brightly, leaning into Joanne.
Mimi threw an arm over Roger's shoulders and giggled. "Oh, c'mon, Rog, you can't stay grumpy for long, its Christmas... and we're about to make Muffy's jaw drop."
Roger sent her a sideways grin. "Joy to the world." He sang.
"Attaboy, Davis, warming up before we perform!" Maureen said, pleased.
"So... what are we going to sing to Muffster and Benjamin?" Collins asked, curious, as he broke away from Angel.
"I have just the thing." Maureen said, looking excited, with the flash of an evil glint in her eyes. "See, this is what we're going to do..."
Alison Grey was bustling about the spacious kitchen of the estate, numerous aromas of the gigantic Christmas dinner she was preparing filling the air around her. Her father was coming later that evening to celebrate with them, and she wanted everything to be just perfect.
"Merry Christmas from the Coffin household." Alison muttered under her breath, staring at the stack of leftover personally labeled stationery that remained from her mass sending of holiday greeting cards. Just then the doorbell rang. "Now who could that be...?"
And she opened the door.
She would regret this.
There on her doorstep, stood a band of raggedy-looking Bohemians, all smiling ear-to-ear.
"Why, Merry Christmas, Miss!" One chirped gleefully. Alison eyed this Bohemian suspiciously, confused by the large platform shoes and Santa suit.
"What...?" She began.
"Oh, forgive us, we are so rude!" A young woman with long, dark hair interjected. "Miss Alison Grey, would you do us the honor of allowing us to sing you a little song?"
"Oh, carolers." Alison said with disdain. "Well, I don't think..."
"Nonsense, just a quick song, to bid you happy holidays!" The tall black man with the beanie boomed, grinning widely.
"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to cook a dinner, and I don't..."
"We'll only take a couple minutes of your time." The skinny blond man squeaked, pulling his scarf tight around him.
"I'm very sorry, but you can't..." Alison tried one last time.
"Just let us sing you a Merry Fucking Christmas song, Muffy." Another Bohemian, outfitted in plaid and leather, said, looking proud and triumphant.
"Muffy?" Alison said. "What...? I'm sorry, do I know you?"
"How's Benny?" He asked accusingly.
"Oh... you're all friends of his?" Alison was puzzled, and pulled the door open wider, allowing them to step inside.
The Bohemians all looked at one another, their plan unraveling.
"You could say so. We have some grim news about him for you, Muffy." Collins said slowly.
"My name is Ali-..." She started.
"Maybe you should sit down." Mimi said kindly, leading her to a dining chair.
"What is this all about? Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I just cleaned the house..."
"What, do we look dirty, Muffy?" Maureen asked, in shock.
"Well..." Alison started. "Um... I have to bake this Christmas dinner... and..."
"Christmas dinner?" Mark questioned. "Muffy, you'll be concerned with more than spiraled honey ham after we say what we have to say."
"Spiraled honey ham?" Roger said, rather loudly, eyeing the meat. "I mean... um... yeah, Muffy."
"It's Alison." She said coldly, watching the Bohemians as they wandered around the kitchen.
"Oh, I just love what you've done with the place, so festive!" Angel squealed.
"Ang, focus!" Mimi scolded.
"Sorry."
"I'm sorry, folks, but I have no time for company at the moment..." Alison tried again.
"We told you." Collins said importantly. "We have news for you, news you must hear."
"I thought you all were carolers!"
"We are." Roger said, as if it were obvious. "Carolers bearing terrible news about a certain Benjamin Coffin, the Third."
"My husband." She stated carefully. "He's upstairs in the office. Shall I fetch him for you? Though I think whatever business you should need to attend to concerning him can wait, I'm busy... and so is he."
"He ain't busy, toots." Collins said soothingly. "I don't know how to tell you this but... Benny's no longer... with us."
Alison looked up. "I don't know what you're talking about. Now if you would be so kind..." She started to lead them toward the door.
"Your husband has partaken in a Christmas tragedy, and you don't care?" Joanne asked mildly.
"Like I said before, Benny's upstairs. Now please... I have a lot to do..."
"Oh, yes, we understand..." Roger started. "Funeral arrangements, gotta get Coffin a coffin..."
"He's not dead!" Alison protested.
"Are you calling me a liar?" Angel asked sweetly. "Why, Miss Grey! I am appalled!"
"Your dear husband Mister Benjamin Coffin the Third was found dead this very morning." Maureen said solemnly.
"I don't believe you. I saw him this morning and he's upstairs at this very moment." Alison said calmly, not doubting herself for a minute. "Say, aren't you Maureen Johnson? The girl who had that protest about the 11th street lot?"
"Pleased to be of service, ma'am." Maureen said between her teeth.
Alison, the truth hitting her, gazing around at the Bohemians in disdain. "Oh... you're those slackers Benny tells me about..."
"That we are." Collins agreed seriously.
She stared at them. "Please leave. Benny's not dead, we're about to have Christmas dinner with my father..."
"You're the one who invited us in." Mimi pointed out. "Now can you let us finish our story?"
"A story of fiction from a group of low-life carolers?" She answered snippily. "Not interested."
"Being the good citizen that I am, I simply cannot allow you to pass up this news." Angel said fluidly. "Now let us tell you the story of the death of Benjamin Coffin the Third."
"But he's not d-..." Alison stopped in shock as Angel grabbed the pot of potatoes, banging two forks upon it like a drum. "What...?"
Joanne withdrew a set of jingle bells and began to tinkle them rhythmically.
"I said I don't have time for this..." She protested.
"Benny got run over by a reindeer!" Collins cheered, spinning around the kitchen like a madman. "Coming over to our loft for the rent!"
Alison sighed heavily.
"You can say there's no such thing as Santa!" Mark called, pointing to Angel, outfitted in the costume. "But meanwhile his big, bald head's got a...dent!" He rhymed desperately.
Alison stood up. "Please, I'm not..."
"Sit down, Muffy, we've just started!" Mimi told her.
"He'd been married to Muffy!" Roger sang, "And he became a fat a-hole!"
"So he decidedly got trampled..." Maureen added joyfully, "By some jolly fat old man from the North Pole!"
"Benny!" Alison called, trying to get her husband to come downstairs.
Joanne skipped over to the stereo and flipped off the soft Christmas Mannheim Steamroller tunes that were playing. "When we found him the next morning..." She put in, smiling.
"We all laughed until we cried!" Mimi said, giggling.
"He was lying in the gutter!" Roger exclaimed, twirling Mimi around and around.
"What an ironic place for Benny to have died..." Mark mused softly.
"Benny got run over by a reindeer!" All of the Bohemians chorused. "Coming over to our loft for the rent! You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but meanwhile his big, bald head's got a dent!"
"BENNY!" Alison screamed. "You have GUESTS!"
"Now we're all a little wary of Muffy." Mark said, eyeing Alison in mock unease.
"Though she's been taking this so well." Collins added, as if complimenting Alison.
"Drinking beer and going clubbing!" Mimi sang.
"While Benny's traitorous yuppie ass burns in hell!" Roger interjected, causing Alison's eyes to widen, and everyone else to laugh.
"What is it, Allie?" Benny's voice was heard from upstairs.
"YOU HAVE COMPANY!" Alison yelled.
"WHAT?!!!" Benny screamed.
"I SAID YOU HA-...!" Alison was cut off as the Bohemians continued, ignoring Benny.
"There's no conflict without Benny." Maureen sang, almost sadly, "No one to stop all of my shows!"
"No one to break up Mimi and Roger!" Mark pointed out, as Roger and Mimi started to make out in the corner under Alison's mistletoe.
Alison looked disgusted.
"Ooh, that looks fun, Pookie!" Maureen said to Joanne.
"Later, Maureen, we're caroling." Joanne replied, with a roll of her eyes.
"And celebration party guest list still grows!" Collins said, kissing Angel's cheek as she drummed.
"Benny got run over by a reindeer! Coming over to our loft for the rent! You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but meanwhile his big, bald head's got a dent!" They plugged onward.
"BENNY, COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW!" Alison yelled desperately.
"What, Allie? Alright, fine! I'm on my way!" Benny's voice responded.
"Now we continue to live rent-free!" Mimi exclaimed excitedly.
"We can hardly say we're sad." Angel added, grinning.
"The amount of people mourning Benny's loss..." Roger started, smirking and popping a handful of peppermints into his pockets from the tin on the table. "Would've just have matched the hairs Benny never had!"
Alison scowled at him, and Roger did what any mature man would do in the situation, stuck his tongue out at her.
"We've told all the bums and streetfolk!" Mark told Alison. "'Benny's dead, see for yourselves!'"
"You can sit your ass on his Range Rover!" Roger called out.
"And send a silent thanks to the big man with the elves!" Maureen finished jubilantly.
"Benny!" Alison cried, as the man himself appeared in the doorway to the kitchen looking astonished.
"Guys, what are you doing here?"
"Benny got run over by a reindeer! Coming over to our loft for the rent! You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but meanwhile his big, bald head's got a dent!" They chorused.
Benny, jaw slack, simply stood there.
"Sing it, Benny!" Roger called mockingly.
Silence.
Angel shrugged and withdrew herself from the act of drumming. "Benny got run over by a reindeer! Coming over to our loft for the rent!"
"You can say there's no such thing as Santa," Mimi began.
"But meanwhile his big, bald head's got a..." Maureen stopped, then pointed to Roger, who leapt toward Benny, and sang dramatically.
"DDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"
Benny shook his head, rubbing his ears. "All of you... OUT!"
Roger dipped low, bowing solemnly.
"Wait, we caroled for you.' Mark pointed out. "And we get nothing? Not even some figgy pudding?"
"NO!" Benny shouted. "OUT!"
The Bohemians tromped proudly out of the Westport estate, looking quite pleased with themselves.
Once they were far enough away. they all burst out laughing.
"THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS!" Maureen jeered, giggling hysterically.
"Oh yes, great idea, Mo!" Mimi replied.
"I'm full of 'em." She answered, smiling.
"Yeah... that was too funny." Roger stated, hugging Mimi under the snowy skies.
"Say..." Mark began. "Where's Collins?"
Everyone looked around. "Collins?" Angel called.
"Shit, I hope he got out, Benny could call the police if he didn't listen." Mark said slowly.
"Damn." Angel said, looking anxious.
"Hey!" A voice called. They all turned around.
Collins was running toward them, something cradled in his arms.
"Hey, guys!" He yelled. They all rushed to him.
"Collins, what?" Mark asked, staring at the platter he had in his hands.
Collins smiled evilly. "I'm dreaming of a white, right Christmas!" He sang, and removed the lid.
There sat a perfectly cooked spiraled honey ham.
"Collins..." Mimi breathed. "How did you...?"
"It's the weirdest thing." Collins said. "I grabbed it and ran, and the funny thing is, Benny just stood there as Muffy screamed, he could've stopped me."
"Really?" Angel asked.
"Yeah, and he was smiling, laughing even!" Collins said, amused. "I think he liked our performance, guys!"
Angel threw her arms around him, excited.
"I don't get it... why would he like us singing about him dying by a reindeer's hooves?" Joanne mused quietly. Everyone thought for a moment.
"Maybe all that 'Have Yourself a Yuppie Fucking Christmas' finally made him sick?" Roger put forth, and Mimi slapped him playfully, laughing.
Mark looked at the meat in awe. "Maybe they had an extra ham or something?"
"Or maybe Benny's alright after all?" Angel suggested.
The Bohemians stopped and paused for a minute.
"Too bad he got flattened by Rodney." Roger said seriously.
"Rodney, Roger?" Angel asked, confused.
"Yeah... Rodney. The one with the red nose.' Roger stated. "You know, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" He sang.
And we was, of course, quite perturbed when all of the other Bohemians started laughing.
"What?"
--------
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!
…just a fun little oneshot, not to be taken too seriously. :
Reviewers get virtual candy canes, but no flames! Flaming gets you put on Santa's naughty list, don't you know?
Also: I had considered expanding this to include other Bohemian Christmas carols, but ultimately decided not to. I'd like your opinion on whether this should stay a oneshot, or should the Bohos sing some more silly Christmas tunes? Because I had a great deal of fun writing the parody lyrics for this one, and more would be pretty fun too, I expect.