In the name of the Pants

by Dollphayce

The title was supposed to be 'In the name of the Pants,and the mascara,and the flying undercrackers,Amen.' But that didnt fit D: Anyways,this is chapter 9 of 'Lipgloss,shops&chocolate' Enjoy,mon chumettes: Charlie xxx

Disclaimer: Already said a bazillion and 3 times,I don't own any of the words L.R invented.

Hello mon darlings,I'm writing chapter this straight after,due to the last being vair short.So read andd review,if poss.Fankoo,Charlie xxxx

In the name of the pants,and the mascara,and the flying undercrackers,Amen.

Sunday,May 29th,at breakfast,12:35

Sitting crossed-legged the couch in my jim-jams,eating krisp riciez and watching MTV.Just then 'Great DJ' by The Ting Tings shows on tv,when Uncle Call-me-Jo walks in,sits down,and looks at me,weirdly chuffed for some reason.He came over yesterday,I figured.For a ''visit'',mutti says,but I obviously don't believe her.He just lurks around the place eating and telling me crap jokes.

He said to me ''Ask me if I'm going to work this morning.'' then grinned.I raised one eyebrow at him.

''Huh?'' I managed through a mouthful of rice crispies.

''Ask me if I'm going to work.''

''Why?''

''Just ask me.'' he's still grinning.This is getting freaky.

''Erm,okay...are you going to work this morning?''

He stands up,excited.

''I might as well work,I'm in a bad mood anyway.''

Then he cracked up laughing,coughing and spluttering so much I thought he was choking,while I stopped chewing and stare at him with a straight face and blink.He stops spluttering and sees me looking at him like he's grown a third ear.

''Don't you get it?''

I finish my breakfast,shake my head sadly at him and walk out of the room.

12:42

Upstairs in my bedroom.Sitting on my bed still in my jim-jams and fantasizing about the Sex God.Oh,he is so marvy.

12:43

It looks awfully windy and nippy noodles outside.

12:44

I swear I just saw something giganticus and big fly past my window.It must have been a swan.

12:45

No,actually swans just dont fly past windows randomly.I don't think they fly at all.So I went to the window and looked.

12:50

Good grief.There are humongous undercrackers flying around.Literally.Not that they have wings,because then they'd be like flying birds disguised as undercrackers.

12:52

People should really learn to make sure their undercrackers stay clipped on with pegs on the washing line.Strongly.

12:55

I cannot believe what happened yesterday.I am so vair confused that I practically live in the village of the Confused.Population: me.And maybe another few randomers wandering around.

So me and Matt were holding hands,about to cross the street,when I noticed Oliver.Standing across the street.Looking at me like I was a Sex Kitty.

My mouth must have been hanging open because Matt took one look at me and started asking me whats wrong.I quickly shook my head and smiled at him.

Oliver is my ex.We broke up because he cheated on me.Yes,back then I was full of immaturiaosity,but now I am fully mature,and Im eschewing him with a firm hand.We went out for 5 months,and one night I was at a party,when I walked in on him up to number 8 with some slimy thing that looked like Natalie,but it wasnt.It must have been her eviler twin.

I gasped and legged it downstairs to find Kellie,but I only found Dan,and blubbed on his shoulder,and had a really crap time for the rest of the night.Next morning when I woke up I had 20 missed calls from Oliver,and 9 messages,all saying pretty much the same thing 'Charlie,Im so sorry,I can explain,please lets meet up.Love you,bye.'So I agreed to meet up with him.Just to see what he was going to say about last night's fiasco.Ollie told me that the girl was stalking him for the whole night,and then jumped on him and started snogging him.He said he tried to back off but she wouldnt let go.Then he told me he's going away to Hamburger-a-gogo land.And that was the end of us.

I was really surprised to see him standing across the road.He still looked as gorgeous as ever,I must admit that,even though he is a cheating bum-oley,but I though he was gone to Hamburger-a-gogo land and wasn't coming back.Guess I was wrong.

I crossed the street and he stopped to look at me then said

''Charlie,hey!Hows it going?''

''Erm,oh hi Ollie,what are you doing home?I though you were gone Hamburger-a-gogo land.''

''Dad got a better job here so we came back.'' he smiled at me.One look into his hypnotising jade green eyes and any girl would melt.

''Oh,right.''

I just stood there for a minute,shifting from one foot to another,thinking of what to say next,then decided to introduce Matt to Oliver.

''Oliver,this is Matt,Matt-this is Oliver.''

They did that thing that boys do,you know,slap hands,etc.etc.Why do they do that?

I said to Ollie ''Okay,well erm,webettergonowBYE''

Then before he could say anything I grabbed Matt by the arm and kept on walking.

He said to me ''Hey,who was that?''

''Ollie.''

''Yeah,I know his name,but how do you know him?''

I looked up at him and said ''He's my ex.''

''Oh.''

Then I smiled at him and we went into Starbucks.Natalie was there.Oh god,why oh why,is she always sliming around like a sluggish slug.

She gave me the evil eye but I ignored her.Then she looked over at Matt, and smiled.God,she is so unbelieveably immature.

I found a table while Matt went to get us some drinks,and sat there,drumming my fingers on the table and watching some mad loons passing by.

Matt came back a few minutes later and sat down.He got me ice tea and Sprite for himself.Then we just chatted for a bit,and later he said do I want to go for a walk in the park,so we did.

And it was double cool with knobs,I even forgot about the Ollie incident,because Matt snogged me within an inch of my life,number 6!

He is a trés marvy snogger.At first he kisses lightly,then harder,then lightly again,and it makes me go all jeloid knickers.As I said,hes vair groovy.

Then he walked me home,kissed me lightly on the cheek and said 'See you later'.

13:05

What is that supposed to mean?! See you later as in 'See you later' or see you later as in 'I dont want to see you anymore'??

13:06

OMG what if it means he doesnt want to see me again??

13:07

Sacré bloody bleu and triple merde.

13:09

And poo.

13:12

I hope the gorgey Sex God still likes me.I might ask Big G to make him like me.

Let us pray.

In the name of the Pants,and the mascara,and the flying undercrackers,amen.

13:12

Called Kellie.

''Kellie?!''

''Oui?''

''What does it mean if a guy says 'See you later' to you?''

She though for a minute and said ''Well it could mean,I'll see you later,or I dont want to see you again,since youre a tart.Being you,I'd probably go for the second--''

''Kellie.''

''Shut up.''

''I was just-''

''Kellie,that is not shutting up,that is rambling on.''

Silence.Scribble,scribble.

''Kellie?''

''What?''

''Don't say 'What' like that''

''Like what?''

''Like you just did.''

Silence.Scribble scribble scribble.

''Kellie?''

I heard her sighing at the other end.

''What are you doing?''

''Im drawing pictures of fruit in my notebook.''

Thats when I hung up.

13:20

Calling Dan.

''Hello?''

''Dan,as you are my official bestest boy mate,I need some advice from you about boy--''

''What?I cant hear you,you're breaking up''

I put down the phone.

Quel est le point?

13:46,In my room

Sitting on my bed,with a pore-cleansing face mask on.I need to keep my skin in tip top condition,now that I've got a Sex God going out with me.

Phone rang.I dragged myself out of bed and shuffled downstairs.

When I got downstairs I saw my dear little brother already picked up the phone.

''Mr Bogey Man,I AM SPIDERMAN!!'' He dropped the phone,stretched his arm out and pretended to be flying around the room with a cloak on his head.Then he crashed into a wall.

I sighed and picked up the phone off the floor.

''Hello?

''Hey Charlie.''

Oh.mygod.It was the Sex God.Calling me.And I have a face mask on and my hairs pulled back.I probably look like an alien from space.

''Oh erm,hey Matt.''

''Was that your little brother,um,spider man?''

I laughed in an attractive way and said to him ''Yeah,he has this abnormal obsession with Spiderman and Batman and erm,lots of other Somethingmans.''

He laughed and said to me ''So what have you been up to?'' He sounds vair vair groovy when he laughs.

''Oh erm,nothing much,y'know,this and that.You?''

''Watching Cloverfield.''

''Ooh I love that movie!''

''Haha,me too.''

Then we chatted for ages about that until Mutti came out of the kitchen

''Charlie,I was just wondering if-Oh my christ,what have you done to your face?!'' I realised I had got so carried away with talking to Matt,I didnt realise I had the face mask on for a whole hour.

I groaned and said to Matt ''Yeah.Erm,I gotta go now now,talk later,okay?''

''Yeah,sure.''

''Bye.''

Then I hung up,ran upstairs and washed off the mask.

14:57

My face is as red as a baboon's butt.

14:58

That is not good.

14:09

Phone ringing.Oh bloody hell,I have to get up from my bed again.

14:16

It was Kellie.

She yelled into the phone once I picked up.''CHARLIE?!''

I held it away from my ear,because otherwise I would have gone deaf.And nobody wants to be deaf.Well,maybe some people,but not me.

''Yes,mon dear pal Kellie,what is it?''

''I am disgusted.Honestly disgusted.''

''Is it because you just saw yourself in the mirror?''

Hahahahahahah,now that is an excellent display of humourosity in anyone's book.Except Mrs Huffy Pants's.

''Ha,ha ha-youre not funny.

Which made me laugh even more and I could barely stand anymore.

''Charlie.I just saw my parent's snogging.IN FRONT OF MEGAN.She should not be exposed to elderly porn.''

Then I got my rush of wisdomosity.

''You should tell your parents to stop snogging infront of little children,like you and Megan.It could scar both of you for life.''

''I told them that.Mutti just giggled and started snogging vati again.''

''Erlack a pongoes.''

''Indeed.Can I come over?''

''Oui.''

''But on one condition.''

''Which is...?''

''BRING JAMMY DODGERS YOU HOBBIT.''

Then I slammed the phone down.

So zat vas shapter ninio.Pleez reedio und revievio und tellio me vat you sink mon pallies.

Ahahahaha,Im surprised at how well I can do a brilliant german accent.Well it was more like a German mixed with French mixed with Italian accent.But Im still very good at accents.Unlike Uncle Call-me-Jo who sounds like a cross between a sheep singing 'Mary had a little lamb' and a mad loon.He can't do accents,because he is so utterly crap.Hes better off sticking to a language that only the Elderly Mad can understand,but you can't tell people.

Anyways,as I said earlier,read and review and tell moi what you think :)

I love you all,

Charlie

xxx