"Wait! Please, I was just trying to help- "
Hinata ran after Kageyama. The smell of mold met him as he entered into their cramped hallway, but he didn't notice. Kageyama was putting on his shoes. Hinata grabbed his soft shirt. "Please don't go" he begged. "Don't leave me- "
It happened often nowadays. They'd be tired late in the evening, get into stupid fights over something trivial and Kageyama would end up leaving. Sometimes he'd be gone the whole night and come back at dawn. He wouldn't say much: just stay sad and silent for the rest of the day. Hinata never asked him about where he spent the night. He didn't want to know. Not really. He just wanted it to stop. It was exhausting and he didn't know for how much longer he'd be able to take it.
"Let go."
There it was. Hinata felt his heart sink. That specific tone Kageyama used exclusively to signal that he'd had enough. He used it to establish dominance and Hinata hated it even when it wasn't used on him. It was a low dangerous voice that made Hinata avert his gaze and lower his head. He started to shake, but refused to let go of his boyfriend. Instead he shook his head violently.
The refusal seemed to anger Kageyama. He grabbed his wrists and started to pry his pale hands away from his person. Hinata whimpered like a small animal, but took a firmer grip of the thin fabric. "N-no!" His rebellious act appeared to upset Kageyama further. He jerked Hinata's trembling hands off the now crumpled shirt.
Hinata flinched, admitting defeat. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't they just be happy? Like Suga and Daichi, or Noya and Asahi. Why were they so dysfunctional? "Kageyama, wait- " He didn't have time to complete the sentence. A rough shove from his boyfriend caused him to loose balance and crash into the wall behind him. He winced.
Kageyama never pushed him. They'd been fighting before in their first year of high school, but that was before they got together. The implication of Kageyama's action hurt far more than the pain he felt along his spine. It scared him.
"HINATA- "
Kageyama was next to him in a blink of an eye. He looked completely and utterly terrified. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to- I swear I didn't! It was an accident, I'd never- " He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He'd never meant to push him. It'd been an accident and he felt awful about it, words alone could not describe just how much Kageyama regretted his actions, but that didn't really change the fact that he'd done it. "Babe- I didn't mean it- "
Hinata didn't move a muscle. Tears started to fill his eyes. He bit his bottom lip and tried to hold them back, but the stinging sensation kept pressing from behind his eyelids. He let out a faint sob.
"Babe, please. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it- I love you." Kageyama wrapped his arms around Hinata. He held him softly. Hinata leaned forward and hid his face in the nape of his neck. He sobbed quietly while Kageyama kept whispering apologies. If Hinata wanted him to kill himself, he would. Kageyama had never hated himself more than he did in that very moment. What was wrong with him?
They stood like that for god knows how long. Hinata's silence worried Kageyama. He was usually quick to forgive him and the one who'd try to make up first. It felt unnatural to hug someone who didn't hug back.
"Why."
Hinata's spoke in a quiet voice filled with the weight of the sorrow and disappointment he felt. It wasn't more than a whisper, but his word hit his boyfriend like a punch to the face. Kageyama felt breathless.
"I don't understand. Why do we do this?"
Tears started to trickled down Hinata's flushed face. They made his vision blur. Red nasty spots appeared on his otherwise pale and immaculate neck.
Kageyama pulled back. They looked up at each other. He'd seen Hinata cry before, but not like this. There was something wrong with his eyes. All their warmth was gone. Nothing of their usual luster or glow was anywhere to be seen. Kageyama felt a surge in the pit of his stomach.
"Please don't cry."
Kageyama bit back a sob of his own. He wouldn't let himself fall apart in front of Hinata. Not like this. Instead he brushed away some orange stands of hair that'd fallen in front his boyfriend's eyes. He cupped his damp face. Kissed the tears away. Kageyama could feel Hinata relax under his touch, but his eyes remained dull. There was a deeper darker sadness that couldn't be chased away with light butterfly kisses or soft apologies.
Hinata looked down. He was about to cry again. Tears started take shape in the corner of his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall. Instead he smudged them with the back of his hand, leaving teardrops among his damp eyelashes.
"What the fuck is wrong with us?"
Kageyama felt sick. He remained frozen on the spot, overwhelmed by the guilt and regret. It was as if there was something eating him alive from within. He didn't know what to say. Everything was wrong. He'd just hurt the person who meant the world to him, the one he'd sworn to protect and love no matter what. He searched frantically for something to say that would make things right again, but came up empty-handed.
"I'm tired of this. I've had enough. I don't want this anymore."
Kageyama looked shocked. "What do you mean?" he asked, trying to remain calm while waves of panic were washing over him. Drowning him. It didn't make sense, but at the same time it kind of did. It made perfect sense. He was a disgusting human being, and Hinata was everything pure and good in this world. Kageyama Tobio had always known that he wasn't good enough.
Hinata remained silent, but it didn't matter at this point. The question had been rhetorical anyway. Kageyama took one last look at his boyfriend – just to see if maybe he'd change his mind, which he of course had not – before leaving their apartment. Hinata watched him go. Saw him close the door behind himself.
Later that night Kageyama ran until he couldn't bring himself to run any further. He passed out somewhere in the city of Tokyo surrounded by the dark and the distant sound of sky trains underneath a starless sky, while Hinata cried in the shower.