A detective is tracking down the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just something that came from my mad little mind. Let's face it. This would totally happen.
Private Eye Blues
"So Cyril," Ray swirled the ice in his glass. "Explain to me again why you took a case behind Ms. Archer's back?"
"It's not behind her back," Cyril defended. "Technically because Ms. Archer isn't here this weekend."
"So you took the opportunity to make money without her," Lana folded her arms. The three of them were sitting in the bullpen/waiting room of the Figgis Agency.
"Look, I'm not the one who suddenly decided to have a romantic weekend with Ron," Cyril snapped. "And I'm not the one who walked into this agency to ask myself to spy on a cheating husband literally an hour after Ms. Archer left!"
"She did say not to call for any reason other than the Apocalypse," Ray pointed out. "Or the CIA deciding to rehire us again. Whichever comes first. More likely the Apocalypse."
"And I am the head of this agency!" Cyril puffed up. "I have a right to take any case I choose! Especially if I'm being paid fifteen grand to catch some old cheating bastard in the act!"
"If he can do the act," Ray groaned. "I mean from what that picture of her husband Mrs. Bradley showed us I doubt it. The man looks over eighty!"
"Look its money," Cyril sighed. "We need money and honestly the less Ms. Archer has to do with it the better."
"Can't say I disagree with that," Ray admitted.
"Me neither," Lana said. "So why did you send Archer and Pam to follow Mr. Bradley?"
"Because I wanted to get them out of the office too," Cyril groaned. "Let Archer indulge his Magnum PI fantasy! It'll be worth giving him some hours just to have some peace and quiet around here."
Then the phone rang. "So much for that theory," Ray quipped.
"Cheryl! Can you get the phone?" Cyril called out. "Cheryl? Cheryl…? Oh for crying out loud…" He got up and went to answer the phone.
"Five will get you ten it's another telemarketer," Lana said to Ray.
"I'll take that bet," Ray said.
Cyril turned on the speaker phone. "Archer is that you?"
"No, it's Pam…" Pam's voice was heard.
"Damn it!" Lana frowned. Ray smirked in satisfaction.
Pam spoke on the phone. "Uh, Cyril. I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is we got the goods on the guy but there's a slight complication…"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHER?" Archer was heard shouting into the phone.
"Did he say…?" Ray's jaw dropped.
"Oh God no…" Cyril moaned. "No, no, no.."
"Yeah," Pam sighed as she stood in the high class hotel room. "That's the bad news."
"What do you mean you were hired by my wife to see if I was having an affair?" Mr. Bradley, an older bearded gentleman wearing only his boxers and socks with suspenders gasped. He was standing in the room. Mallory was wearing a pink silk nightgown.
"What part of that sentence is confusing to you?" Archer barked. "The hired by your wife part? Or you having an affair part? Because either way it sounds like you shouldn't be doing this."
"Since when are you the Moral Majority?" Mallory snapped.
"Since we were hired by his wife!" Archer barked. "Who I'm pretty sure won't pay us the fifteen grand she promised us when she learns that you, a member of our agency is having the affair she wants us to get proof of!"
"That does sound like a conflict of interest," Pam admitted.
"And that's not even the worst part! What about Ron?" Archer shouted.
"What about him?" Mallory bristled.
"You said you were going out for a romantic weekend with Ron," Archer pointed.
"Actually I said that Ron was going out and I was going for a romantic weekend," Mallory pointed out. "So technically…"
"Who's Ron?" Mr. Bradley asked.
"Nobody!" Mallory said quickly.
"Her husband!" Archer and Pam said as the same time.
"Is this part of that open marriage thing you tried?" Pam asked. "Or did you quit that when you realized nobody wanted you? No offense Mr. B."
"None taken," Mr. Bradley groaned. "Mallory…You're married? Since when?"
"Since at least three years ago," Pam said. "Or is it four?"
"How could you step out on your husband like that?" Mr. Bradley barked to Mallory.
"What do you care?" Mallory snapped. "You're stepping out on your wife!"
"That's different!" Mr. Bradley snapped.
"Not really," Pam said.
"Sexist!" Archer agreed.
"We used to sneak off all the time back in the day!" Mallory told Mr. Bradley.
"Yes, but you weren't married back then!" Mr. Bradley snapped. "It's one thing to fool around with an unmarried woman. It's another thing to bang another guy's wife! Even if you don't know him!"
"Interesting," Pam remarked. "You're more worried about hurting Ron than she is."
"Call me old fashioned but there's a code among gentlemen," Mr. Bradley huffed. "You do not sleep with another man's wife!"
"What about girlfriends?" Pam asked. "Because for about thirty years she was banging Len Trexler and the head of the KGB at the same time."
"PAM!" Mallory shouted.
"Len Trexler?" Mr. Bradley shouted. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU HAD A THING FOR HIM! Boy you think you really know a person!"
"Didn't you notice the tan line where her wedding ring should be?" Archer asked.
"What tan line?" Pam asked. "Ms. Archer is paler than pasteurized milk! How would he know?"
"Okay here is what we are going to do," Archer said. "You guys put your clothes on. Mr. Bradley you write us a check for twenty grand. We'll tell your wife you're not having an affair. You went to see your doctor in secret for some heart tests because you didn't want to worry her. We take her check! No one ever finds out about this and none of this ever happened!"
"You're chiseling me out of thirty-five grand altogether?" Mr. Bradley shouted.
"Trust me, where Ms. Archer is concerned you're getting off cheap!" Pam snapped. "On my…"
"PAM!" Archer barked. "Don't say it! Say phrasing!"
"Ti…" Pam began.
"PAM!" Archer shouted.
"Iiiiiits…" Pam finished.
"PAM!" Archer shouted. "Ugh! Seriously what's wrong with phrasing? We just got it back in the mix again."
"Just trying to mix up the mix," Pam said.
"The mix is fine the way it is," Archer snapped. "Don't mess with the mix."
"But…" Pam began.
"Don't mix up the mix!" Archer snapped.
"What the…?" Mr. Bradley blinked.
"Don't bother," Mallory groaned. "I never understand half the things they say either."
"Well understand this," Archer snapped. "If you don't want your wife to find out about this you'll pay us."
"Or I could just follow you people for myself and not pay you a dime anyway."
"Now that would…" Archer turned and saw an angry well-dressed elderly woman behind. "Oh…Hi Mrs. Bradley…"
"Marsha…" Mr. Bradley gulped. "This isn't what it looks like."
"Oh this never ends well," Mallory groaned.
"What are you doing here?" Archer asked Mrs. Bradley.
"Directing the Phil Harmonic Orchestra! What do you think?" Mrs. Bradley barked. "As soon as I left your agency I remembered the name Archer was the same name of one of my husband's old whores!"
"Who are you calling old?" Mallory bristled. "Mrs. Methuselah!"
"So I decided to follow you and what a surprise!" Mrs. Bradley glared at Mallory. "I should have known it was you…"
"You didn't notice you were being followed?" Mallory shouted at her son.
"Between your idiot son's wisecracks and this one's mouthing off and eating bear claws it wasn't that hard," Mrs. Bradley snapped. "I could have been in a marching band and they wouldn't have noticed me!"
"Look I'm not really interested in your husband!" Mallory protested. "I was only going to have sex with him so he could help me get off the spying blacklist!"
"Oh yeah that makes it so much better!" Archer threw up his hands.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Wait you're blacklisted?" Mr. Bradley gasped.
"Ha!" Mrs. Bradley laughed. "Serves you right!"
"When were you blacklisted?" Mr. Bradley yelled.
"A few months ago," Mallory admitted. "It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter?" Mr. Bradley shouted. "Damn it woman you put my reputation in jeopardy!"
"I think that was the idea," Pam spoke up. "You know? So she could blackmail you?"
"WHAT?" Mr. Bradley yelled.
"Oh Oscar…" Mrs. Bradley rolled her eyes. "That's it! I warned you what would happen if you stepped out on me again!"
"Marsha!" Mr. Bradley gasped.
"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" Archer quipped. Everyone looked at him. "Sorry. Couldn't resist."
"Neither could your mother and Mr. Bradley," Pam quipped.
"We didn't do anything!" Mr. Bradley snapped.
"Not for lack of trying on your part," Pam said to Mallory. "Right Ms. Archer?"
"Eh, yeah…" Mallory admitted.
"I am going to sue the pants off you!" Mrs. Bradley snarled at her husband. She looked at him. "Well figuratively…"
"Marsha it's not my fault!" Mr. Bradley pleaded. "She lied to me!"
"Well Oscar," Mrs. Bradley glared at her. "That's what common whores do!"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Mallory shouted.
"Oh Marsha, Marsha, Marsha…" Archer winced. "You had to go there."
"What did you call me you…" Mallory bristled. "Middle class housewife that came out of New Jersey?"
"People in New Jersey know New York garbage when they smell it," Mrs. Bradley growled.
"Oh this will not end well," Archer groaned.
"You think?" Mr. Bradley snapped. "Ladies…"
"SHUT UP OSCAR!" Both women shouted at him. Oscar gasped in shock.
"Oh Oscar, Oscar, Oscar…" Archer shook his head. Everyone looked at him. "What? Am I supposed to just ignore that?"
"It is kind of obvious," Pam admitted.
"Like mother like son," Mrs. Bradley grumbled.
"Really? Let's go there!" Mallory snapped.
"Why don't you go back to the sewers of New York where you belong?" Mrs. Bradley shouted. "You white trash whore!"
"YEAARRRRRGGHHH!" Mallory charged at Mrs. Bradley. Soon both women were fighting with their fists.
"Mother! Mother! Stop!" Archer shouted.
"Yeah! This is a kick ass assignment!" Pam whooped.
Meanwhile Cyril, Lana and Ray were still listening in on the phone. "I don't freaking believe this…" Cyril moaned as he started to bang his head against the wall. "I don't freaking believe this!"
"And she wonders where her son gets it from," Ray made a sound of disapproval.
SMASH! CRASH!
"Mother! Stop this! Stop…" Archer was heard.
POW!
"STERLING!" Mallory screamed. "HOW COULD YOU HIT MY SON YOU COW?"
"You moved!" Mrs. Bradley shouted. "The idiot got in my way."
"He may be an idiot but he's my son!" Mallory shouted. "YOU DON'T TOUCH HIM YOU…" The sounds of fighting grew fiercer.
"AAKKK! My heart!" Mr. Bradley was heard gasping.
"Somebody call a doctor!" Pam shouted.
"Yeah I could really…" Archer groaned.
"NOT FOR YOU!" Pam shouted. "Detective Dick Charles!"
"Oh this never ends well," Ray winced at the sounds.
"I don't freaking believe this…" Cyril kept banging his head on the wall.
The following day…
"So…" Cyril stood in front of the board in the bullpen again. Everyone else was in the room as well. "Let's talk about the Pros and Cons of our latest assignment. Con, we didn't get paid."
"Why?" Pam asked. "We got proof the old bag's husband was cheating on her with our old bag!" She pointed to Mallory.
"You know…?" Mallory glared.
"Well Pam for starters, it was Ms. Archer that was the guilty party with Mr. Bradley," Cyril sighed. "When a member of an agency is discovered to be having an affair with a client's husband…That doesn't exactly reflect well on the agency itself."
Ray gave Mallory a look. "Or when another member of the agency who happens to be the guilty party's son promises to destroy the evidence and blackmail the husband in the vicinity of Mrs. Bradley."
"Not to mention when that agency takes a case behind my back!" Mallory bristled.
"Really?" Lana gave her a look and folded her arms. "You're going to complain about that? Seriously?"
"I guess it would be pointless to tell you that you shouldn't have been having an affair in the first place!" Archer snapped. He had a black eye.
"Technically we didn't," Mallory sighed. "We never had a chance to. Not to mention I'm pretty sure he wasn't able to."
"A moot point since Mr. Bradley is dead," Cyril glared at her. "So…Con."
"You think?" Mallory snapped.
"Again Mallory," Lana said. "You were going to cheat on Ron."
"Only to get us back into good graces with the government!" Mallory protested. "But that ship sailed off to Corpse Island! So that's another con!"
"Not to mention Mrs. Bradley is going to bad mouth you to every one of her friends," Ray added. "And anyone else that will listen."
"Con…" Cyril groaned. "We're lucky she chose not to sue us!"
"Of course she won't sue us," Archer snapped. "With her husband dead she came into a boatload of money. There's no way she'd admit they were having marital problems!"
"So to recap," Cyril sighed. "We aren't getting any money. No contacts. No references. And Ms. Archer gets us involved in another scandal! CON! CON! CON! CON!"
"Not to mention a man died," Ray added. "There's another con right there. Sure he was old but…"
"And we were banned from that hotel so…" Archer admitted. "There's another con."
"No big loss," Pam waved. "Their toiletries weren't good anyway."
"What do you…?" Ray did a double take. "Pam did you steal toiletries from the hotel room?"
"I needed some new shampoo!" Pam protested. "I wanted to try a new brand. At least I know that kind isn't worth buying."
"Oh dear lord…" Ray groaned.
"Well try to look at the positive side," Krieger spoke up.
"THERE IS NO POSITIVE SIDE KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted. "THERE ARE NO PROS! ONLY CONS! NOTHING BUT CONS! AND WE DON'T MAKE MONEY AND STOP SCREWING AROUND WE MAY BECOME ACTUAL CONS, AS IN CONVICTS!"
"Oh boy…" Archer sighed. "Here we go…"
"Have you people completely forgotten the fact that this is not a spy agency anymore?" Cyril shouted. "You can't just commit a whole bunch of crimes and call somebody in the government to sweep it under the rug!"
"Well not anymore," Mallory groaned. "Now that Bradley's dead I'm really in the soup! He was one of my best contacts!"
"Again…Without those, we could get arrested for one of the many, many crimes we've done or probably will do," Cyril sighed.
"Duh!" Mallory snapped. "And I see no reason to bring this up to Ron! So…"
"So why don't we just call it a day?" Archer spoke up. "Cyril I need you to sign off on my five hours I've earned."
"What five hours?" Cyril asked.
"The five hours I earned…" Archer began then stopped.
"What Archer?" Cyril's eye began to tick. "Finding out your mother was cheating on one of our client's husbands? Having your mother and the client get into a raging catfight on your watch? Or having the client's husband die on your watch!?"
"Don't forget the old lady tailing him and he didn't even know about it," Cheryl spoke up.
"Thank you Cheryl," Cyril said. "In conclusion…No money, no hours! No hours… NO PAYCHECK!"
"You mean I didn't earn any hours because of Mother and I'm still way under what I need to earn my private eye license?" Archer shouted. "And I'm not getting paid either?"
"Yes," Cyril said. "Oh wait. I guess there was a pro after all." He wrote it on the board.
"I bet Magnum PI never had days like this," Archer groaned.