Standstill Still Standing
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter :(
Author's Note: So I got major writer's block while writing my new multi-chap (that second chapter slump, anybody?) and for some reason, this came to my mind, and I figured I could use a break from all that hard-core angst and drama. Just to be clear, first off, this is a parody, which I've recently found I ADORE writing! Okay, so does anybody else get peeved off when you're ready a nice ol' HP fic and the author decides to make the James/Voldemort battle of '81 take an entire CHAPTER? For some reason, Voldemort is easily distracted, has a sense of humor, sends James to hell with some weird-o spell, or is his father. Seriously, I have read every single James Potter fic on this site, and I've seen 'em all. I used to not mind this so much, and I even thought that some of those ideas were creative (namely the sending James to hell one...before seven other people did the exact same thing), but I've had enough! This is just poking fun at all of that. And I mean no disrespect to anyone who has written a fic like this - I wrote THREE like this on my old account. This is just meant to be fun :) Thanks for clicking on!
The Potter family of Godrick's Hollow are preparing their son, Harry, to go trick-or-treating for his first Halloween. Nevermind the fact that they don't know any of the neighbors, they aren't supposed to leave their house because they are in hiding, and Voldemort is supposed to be after them. Making sure their son has an enjoyable holiday is more imporant to Mr. and Mrs. Potter than keeping him alive.
"Awe, James, isn't he cute?" cooes Lily Potter, snapping pictures on a muggle camera of her one-year-old. He is dressed like a pumpkin, and goo is dripping from his slightly open mouth. James Potter stands behind his little boy, ruffling his already messy hair.
"You sure do make a cute costume, Lils." says James in his booming voice. "I can't wait to take our boy trick-or-treating! Gosh, I sure do hope the neighbors don't find it too suspicious that they've never seen us here before."
"Oh, yes." agrees Lily whole-heartedly. "And our son is ever so cute, I really really hope we don't run into Voldemort! A dead wittle Harry wouldn't be nearly as cute!"
James and Lily laugh at their little joke. They aren't at all afraid of the fact that the most evil and terrifying Dark Wizard of the age has chosen them as his next victims. They're just glad to be a family at Halloween time.
Suddenly, a knock at the door is heard. Because every evil villain knocks.
"Oh, I'll bet that's a nice family of trick-or-treaters!" says Lily excitedly, bouncing over to answer the door. Nevermind the fact that no one is supposed to be able to see their house because it's under a powerful magical enchantment.
Suddenly, James seems to realize this little fact, and tells his wife, "Wait, Lily! That can't be a trick-or-treater! No one can see the house! It must be - "
*BOTH GASP*
"Voldemort!"
"Lily!" says James quickly, conveniently not following canon and taking his wand into his hand. "Take Harry upstairs and run! Don't worry about taking off his pumpkin costume, just go up the steps as quickly as you possibly can and then do something. I don't know what I expect - jump out the window? Hide in the closet? We don't have a fireplace up there so you can't floo, and you can't Apparate with a child that small, but just take Harry to his nursery and get out of this house!"
Lily takes a great dramatic pause and cups her husband's cheek as she begins to cry. "I know James. I know."
And then Lily and Harry are gone. Voldemort continues to knock at the door. The heartless tyrant respects the fact that his victims need to plan an escape, and he gives them five to six whole minutes to take their sweet time answering the door.
Finally, James hesitantly opens the door. Voldemort steps inside, smirking just like James would, and holding his wand in front of him.
"Ah, Jamesssss Potter!" he hisses in a snake-like voice. James holds his ground and waits until Voldemort finishes his thought before even considering what spell he might use to defend himself. "We meet again!"
"What do you want, Voldemort?" asks James angrily, taking a step back from Voldemort. As a result, Voldemort takes a step forward, which causes James to take another step back. Voldemort steps forward once again. This little act goes on until the duo reaches the living room. "How did you find us?"
"Ah! It was easssssy." says Voldemort. Well actually, he hisses it, but it's gets a bit too repetetive to keep repeating the verb 'hiss', so that'll just come back up later. "A little rat told me."
"I see." says James, nodding in understanding.
Take a beat...
"Hey, wait a minute!" realizes James. "Rats can't talk! You're lying!" James seems genuinely surprised that the most evil Lord Voldemort would lie to him!
Voldemort rolls his eyes, still not attacking. "Yes, what a shock, I'm lying. Silly me, I'll work on that."
James laughs - who knew that Voldemort had a sense of humor!
"Sssssso are we going to get on with thissss, or...?" asks Voldemort, tapping his foot sassily.
"Oh, right!" says James, tightening his grip on his wand in an attempt to look menacing. "I will not let you hurt my son, Voldemort!"
"Well, that ssstatement will delay me a moment, but your sssson isss sssstill going to die, Jamessss." hisses (see! see! TOLDYA it would come back!) Voldemort.
"Why do you always have to disagree with everything I say?" shrieks James in frustration, jumping up and down in a tantrum-like way and crossing his arms.
"Well, aren't we an odd couple?" exclaims Voldemort. Suddenly, James's head snaps up, and he joins Voldemort in a five-minute duet.
"You won't spare my son, Harry!"
"You won't let your son die!"
"We're quite a cooky couple, you'll agree!"
"We share some views and blood cells..."
"And yet, anyone could tell..."
"We're just about as different as anyone can be!"
"You like plotting a Quidditch match...and I like plotting to kill!"
"You think that you should rule the world - I think brooms are a thrill!"
After the visually stunning musical number, James and Voldemort are both completely out of breath. They are sweating like pigs, and decide to take a rest on the couch. During this rest, Voldemort removes his boots, and notices a scar on James's cheek.
"What's that?" asks Voldemort with mild interest. It was so faint, he had never noticed it before.
"Ah," says James, remembering the scar. "This was given to me by a six-fingered man when I was only nine years old."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. He killed my father. Still looking for that guy, so I can kill him. Hey, you're part of a villainy-legion - you know a six-fingered man?"
"No one comes to mind."
"Okay. Well, if you ever see him, would you tell him I'm looking for him?"
"Will do."
"Thanks."
Voldemort and James sit in silence for a moment, before James sighs.
"Well I guess we should start battling now, huh?"
"No, no, we'll...wait until you're ready." says Voldemort quickly, stretching his arms. "Actually, James, I've been thinking about it, and...maybe I shouldn't kill you."
"Wait, what?"
"Welllll..." Voldemort draws the word out. "You're the most talented wizard alive, and since you don't seem very keen on joining me now, maybe, I don't know...I could...oh...send you to hell for fifteen years so you could think about it?"
"WHAT?" shrieks James, jumping up from the couch frantically. "WHAT?"
"See, this is why I wasn't gonna say anything, cause I knew you were gonna get mad!" whines Voldemort, standing up so that his face is level with James's. "It wouldn't even seem like fifteen years! It would go really fast and then I could bring you back and you could join me!"
"What makes you think that fifteen years being tortured in hell would make me change my mind about you, Moldy-shorts?" asks James sarcastically.
"Hold on, hold on, hold on - where did that nickname even come from?" asks Voldemort, thouroughly confused. James shrugs.
"Beats me, but it sure does make you seem less menacing."
"Whatever. Anyway, you make a good point, James Potter...or should I say...James Riddle!"
"Wait, WHAT?" booms James, backing away from Voldemort until he's against a wall. "Riddle?"
"Yes James...I...am your father!"
"NOOOOO!"
"Yeah, no, not really. Just wanted to see how you'd react. Boy, you should have seen your face! PRICELESS!" giggles Voldemort. Yes, that's right. Voldemort can giggle. Sucks to suck.
Suddenly, James and Voldemort decide to commence with the battling and such. Rather than use a quick and easy Avada Kadavra, Voldmort uses nameless bolts of light to drag James across his entire living room, putting holes in the wall, breaking the china, and even ripping the couch. Voldemort laughs the whole time, and somehow James sustains injuries no greater than a cut on his forehead. No, not even a concussion. Just a cut on his forehead. Not even a deep one - a quick spray of Neo-to-Go would patch it right up. This - for some reason - gives Voldemort great pleasure, and he laughs loudly. Like, very loudly. And we know that there's no way the neighbors can see the Potters' home, but they can still hear what goes on inside of it. And it's Halloween, so people are walking down the street a lot. You'd think someone would hear the ruckus and notify the police or something...
Just before Voldemort is on the brink of destroying James Potter with yet another cut (this time on his arm! Haha, the evillness of it!) Lily and Harry come downstairs to the living room.
"Sorry to interrupt," Lily tells James, completely ignoring the fact that Voldemort is present. "But James, you're an idiot. I'm not entirely sure how you expected Harry and I to leave this place by telling us to go upstairs to his nursery, but you're just killing us by not thinking your plan through."
"Lily! I've been down here for the past thirty minutes distracting Voldemort so you could get away, and you've been here all the time?" asks James, in shock. Voldemort gasps, hurt.
"D-Distracting? So all that singing, and the movie references...that was all lies?"
"Wellll..."
"AVADA KADAVRA!"
Ladies and gentlemen - the real downfall of James Potter! Haha, I kind of skewed off in a completely weird direction, but I hope you guys enjoyed this, and don't forget to review! Thanks :)
Also, movie references in here belong to the Princess Bride and Star Wars, and the tune and such for the duet belongs to Starkid.