Title: Slip Out The Back
Rating: T
Summary: Dean watches Sam at Stanford and comes to a painful realization. Pre-series
Disclaimer: No ownership here boys and girls.
AN: Set to the song Slip Out The Back By Fort Minor
Dean dropped his car off at a garage a guy he knew owned and borrowed something more discreet. It was only an hour's drive to the campus, only an hour from Sam. He started the car, ignoring the flutter of nerves at the thought of seeing his brother again. They'd spoken on the phone and wrote letters but this would be the first time in two years they would talk face to face. But before he met Sam later he wanted to see how he lived, what the appeal could be.
The drive was too quiet he could hear the blood pounding in his ears, so Dean turned the radio on cringing at his friend's choice in radio station. He was about to change it when the words from the song drifted to his ears making him hesitate on the dial.
You know me I used to get caught up in everyday life
Trying to make through my day so I can sleep at night
Trying to make it through t he maze of rights and wrongs
But like you used to say nothing feels like its really worth it
Forget perfect I'm trying not be worthless
Since I last saw you I've been looking for a purpose
I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of lookin at it this is what he said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
At the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cause you don't want to be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Dean's hand dropped and he turned up the volume to better hear the words. It wasn't his usual taste but the words struck a chord in him. He'd deny it to his last breath if he had too though.
I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just to big for his frame
Just over 5 feet but he weighed a buck fifty
But what he said seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker You can play your best
But you gotta know when to hold your cards Take a rest
And hope that nobody else is stackin the deck
Dean drove past Sam's dorm and parked a block away, where he could still see everyone coming and going.
Because I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair
It doesn't care It arbitrarily cuts off your air
And like you I want someone to say its okay
In the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard against our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand what I'm sayin cause you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid.
Who said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
At the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cause you don't want to be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Dean's hands tightened on the steering wheel when he saw Sam exit the dorm carrying a stack of books in his arms. He was walking like he didn't have a care in the world, except the books he was holding. No scanning the peripheral or stealthy footsteps. There was still that manner of walking that showed his training but he was just another guy like this. Dean tried to be disapproving about this lack of security on his brother's part.
And I'm no hero you remember how it was you know
All I ever did was worry feeling out of control
To the know point where everything is going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's lie
Please remember this isn't how I thought it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Dean followed Sam throughout his day, watched him go from class to class, to the part time job he'd gotten. He watched him blush when a pretty girl approached him smiling and flirting. Sam didn't need to check to make sure his gun wasn't in plain sight because he wasn't wearing one.
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I'd just bring you down
And I could tell it was time to be scared
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left you wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care
"I'm sorry Sam. Really, but dad needs my help. Maybe next time I'm in town." Dean said into the phone.
"He's a grown man, can't he handle one haunting by himself?" Sam demanded angrily.
"Its a tough case Sam." Dean said. His voice was even but he knew he was on the verge of breaking down.
"Fine whatever." Sam said in frustration and disappointment. Dean could see him clenching and unclenching his fist in front of the bar they were supposed to meet at. He was probably cursing John's name up and down mentally and Dean felt about lying to him like that. But it was the only excuse he could come up with for canceling on his brother.
"I gotta go Sam. I'll talk to you later?" Dean said clutching the phone tightly.
Sam was silent on the other end, only his breathing could be heard. Dean saw him rubbing the bridge of his nose, what he always did when he didn't want to cry or yell.
"Alright Dean. Be careful okay?" Sam said tiredly.
"I will." Dean promised.
He waited till Sam left to put his head against the steering wheel, trying to regain his composure. He wanted to call him back, tell him he was right there. But he fought down the urge. He understood now. Sam was safe there. No hunting, no pain, no death. Sam's biggest worry was getting to class on time or making a fool of himself in front of girls.
Dean swallowed back the emotion he was feeling and put the car into gear, preparing to do the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.
The next day he'd change his phone number, tell his dad whatever he had to, to justify it. He wouldn't call Sam anymore, he'd keep his distance to keep Sam safe.
If this was what Sam needed he'd give it to him, because it was his job to take care of Sam, even if Sam didn't know he was doing it.
-Fin