It's been one year since she left me. One year, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 315,360,000 seconds. Today is the one year anniversary of Ashley's death. I still can not accept it, and I doubt I ever will. I have so many mixed emotions inside of me that have resided in my heart since the day she left. Anger, angry at the doctors who could not help her, confusion, confused why she was not able to have the surgery, hurt, every part of my is hurting, physically and mentally, and devastation, devastated by the loss of my angel, my one true love. Above all these emotions is love, the love I had…have for Ashley is something that will never change. It will never dim or falter, I will never doubt it and I will never replace it.
One whole year of my life has been spent like this. Thinking of her, missing her. Thinking about her scent; sweet, like a strawberry daiquiri with a hint of mystery mixed in. Remembering the way time stood still when our lips met, like we were the only ones on the face of the earth and nothing else mattered for those few seconds as long as I was in her arms. I thought about the way that I could feel her, feel her presence. I didn't even have to look up and I knew she had entered the room. Her presence was tangible; she had an air about her that was unmistakable, just like her voice. I would never forget that voice. The voice that had so many ranges but was undeniably Ashley's, no matter what tone it carried. The voice that seemed to flow from those lips, those lips were my heaven on earth. Those lips that belonged to that face, the face of an angel, of my angel. My angel, Ashley was always my angel, and always will be.
Despite her past I know that she belongs in a good place and will always protect me no matter where she is. When I was younger I thought of an angel as a lady in a white robe with wings and a halo, a woman that carried a certain radiant glow that could not be obtained by any earthy inhabitant. My perspective on angels has changed since I met Ash. Though, Ash always seemed to have a radiant glow. It was part of mystery that was Ashley Davies that drew me to her. God what I wouldn't to do have that heaven on earth, maybe then I would be able to see my angel.
The day that Ashley died is a day that will be eternally embedded into my memory. It is something that can not be erased. We knew that it was coming, and it was expected, but knowledge and anticipation can not even begin to prepare you for this type of loss. When Ashley was diagnosed with Chron's Disease it wasn't a huge shock. It was hereditary; her mom had also had the disease as well as a long line of women before her. Ashley started having the stomach pains about half way through our senior year of high school. They weren't bad at first and, for the most part, slid under her radar. She continued to brush them off until it got to the point where she was having these pains at least three times a day, shooting through her abdomen, rendering her life less.
I still remember the pain that set her over the edge. We were walking on the beach, something we hadn't done in a wile due to her constant pains.
She felt bad for always wanting to stay home. I however felt nothing but the utmost sympathy for Ash. She felt guilty, like she was holding me back, but what she didn't understand that I would rather be with her than anywhere else, no matter the situation. She never liked to show emotion, especially if it made her vulnerable. She would remain completely stoic during the attacks, the only sign of pain being her grasping her stomach and slightly hunching over. But I could always read Ashley like a book, the result of our 5 year relationship.
Anyway, back to the story. We were walking back to our spot under the pier, having just been grabbing a bite to eat at a small café near the beach.
We were walking hand in hand and talking about what we were going to do with the rest of our summer, seeing as we would be going off to college in a couple months. Ashley grew quiet and hung her head, something that was all too familiar to me, and I knew what was coming. We stopped walking and she clutched her bare stomach with her arm, wrapping it around her torso. She did not let go of my hand, though. Instead she gripped it tight, she squeezed my hand with all the strength she had. Like she was trying to transfer all the pain from her attack into my hand, and I would carry that cross for her. I ignored the throbbing in my hand and focused my attention on Ashley.
I avoided touching her too much when she had these attacks because sometimes it only made the matter worse, the pain too much for her body to be focusing on any other feeling. But this attack was different, I could tell. I took one look at Ashley and immediately knew that this was different.
She suddenly collapsed into my arms and I held onto her with all my might, feeling that if I let her go she'd sink into the sand, never to return, her only companion that pain residing in her body. We sat down in the sand and she curled up into the fetal position in my lap. She was so vulnerable at that moment, so open and fragile. I knew I had to protect her, knowing that if I didn't the slightest wrong action may ensure that I lose my angel. I wrapped my arms around her and slowly rubbed small circles on her bare shoulder blade, something that I knew has comforted her since she was a child. We sat in the sand for at least an hour before the pain subsided. By that point her face was already stained with tears, tears that had been so strong for the whole duration of the pain that it seemed they had formed permanent gullies in her cheeks, ready for the damn to break again and the new water would fill the dried streams. I found it hard to hold back my own tears. Seeing the person you love in so much pain, and knowing that you can do nothing at all, can have that effect on you. She looked at me and spoke to me with her eyes. There was an understanding that she was in trouble, that she needed help. Just one look in her eyes showed me that lost little girl, totally helpless and scared beyond belief. I took her in my arms again and she rested her head in the crook of my neck. We sat there until the sun went down, and just before she fell asleep on my chest I whispered in her ear, "Don't be afraid to fall Ashley, no matter how many times you fall I will always be there to catch you and I will never let you go." With that she fell asleep. I carried her to the car and drove to our apartment. As I looked at her small figure in the rearview mirror I made a silent vow to protect her, even after the day I die I will always look after her. I made the call to the doctor the next morning and scheduled an appointment with a specialist.
I made a promise to protect her and this is the first step, healing.