This wasn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't have come to this. Collins had screwed up and now he was going to pay for it. His mind threatened to drift back to that day, but he wouldn't allow it. He hadn't allowed it in the three years that had passed since then. He'd always felt that if he didn't think about it, he wouldn't remember it, and for the longest time, it had worked. Now, though, his past had come back to haunt him. And, he feared, to destroy what he now had.
Coming home from a long day of classes – Wednesday was the only day of the week where he taught a full five courses, and he loathed it – Collins was looking forward to an evening alone with Angel. He didn't care what they did; he just wanted to be near her. Angel always had a way of calming him at the end of the day. Opening the door to their apartment, Collins was greeted by a pleasant sight: Angel dolled up in a sexy little outfit. She was wearing a short, black skirt with fishnet stockings, tight black top with mesh sleeves and her black wig. Collins' eyes slowly traveled up and down her form and he grinned, feeling better already.
Angel smiled at Collins, enjoying his reaction to her outfit. Taking his bag from him, she tossed it aside and wrapped her arms around his neck, lips brushing just below his ear.
"Thought you might like to relax at home tonight," she whispered, raising an eyebrow seductively, causing Collins to shiver. Grabbing her around the waist, he pulled her close to him, making her giggle.
"You're right, baby," he growled, his desire for her already replacing his fatigue.
Collins began kissing and licking Angel's neck, walking her backward toward their bedroom as his hands made their way up her shirt. Angel gasped as his hands found her nipples, pinching and twisting them.
Collins backed Angel against the bed, pushing her gently down onto it and peeling of his shirt as Angel shimmied out of her fishnets and skirt. He crawled over her, kissing his way up her legs and to her mouth, slipping her shirt over her head as he went. Now wearing only her panties, Angel pulled Collins down to her so their chests were pressed together. Collins never got enough of that feeling.
Working his fingers under the elastic of her panties, Collins was stopped by Angel's hand on his arm. Moving his hands back to her face, he kissed her briefly on the lips and asked, "What, baby?"
Angel smiled shyly up at her lover. She wasn't sure how to ask for what she wanted – it wasn't something she'd ever done before, but with Collins, well, she wanted to try.
"I thought," she began, voice low, "I thought we could maybe change things up a bit tonight."
Collins grinned. Angel had always been more adventurous than him in bed, and when she said she wanted to change things up, he was always willing to go with it. It had gotten them into some very pleasurable situations in the past.
"Okay, baby," he said, rolling off of her and onto his side, running his fingers through the fine strands of her wig. "What do you want?"
At first, Collins couldn't hear what she had said, for she had spoken in such a low tone. He looked at her questioningly, and she cleared her throat, repeating, just a little louder than before, "I want to fuck you."
Collins frowned playfully. "But you do that every night, baby," he teased, tapping her on the nose. Angel flushed furiously. She didn't know why she was having such a hard time asking him this. Taking a deep breath, she tried again.
"I mean," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I wantto fuck you. I want to… to…" she tried to remember the term she had heard before. "I want to top!" she said triumphantly as it came to her.
Collins froze. That had not been what he was expecting. In fact, he had never expected to hear that from her. Moving away from her slightly, he shook his head.
"I-I can't, Angel. I'm sorry."
Angel looked at him curiously, confused. Wiggling toward him, she closed the distance he had placed between them, wrapping an arm around his waist.
"Why not, Collins?" she asked, kissing him, tongue darting out to taste his lips, "It'll be fun. I've never tried it before, and –"
"No, Angel." Collins interrupted, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn't want this to be happening. Didn't want to have to think about this. He just wanted to make love to her, but he wasn't even sure if he could do that now.
Angel's eyes narrowed when Collins interrupted her. He never did that. Brushing it off as nervousness, she whispered seductively, "Come on, baby. Please?" as she moved one hand into the back of his pants, rubbing a finger lightly against his entrance.
Collins jumped as she touched him, eyes popping open and shoving her away from him. Angel gasped, shocked, and reached out for him, not understanding what was going on, but Collins smacked her hand away, leaping off the bed and scurrying into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Now Collins sat in the bathroom, trying to fight off the memories, tears streaming down his face as he realized what he had done to his Angel. He wanted to go to her, to apologize, to beg for forgiveness, but he couldn't move. He was paralyzed, all his energy being used to keep the visions at bay.
After a long moment, Collins heard a soft rapping at the door.
"Collins?" Angel's voice was soft, shaking. He could tell she had been crying, and the thought that it was his fault crushed him. He didn't answer her. Couldn't.
"Collins!" she called out, louder this time, anger lacing her voice, "Open the door, Collins!"
Collins shook his head, realizing she couldn't see him but not able to put the action into words. Angel was quiet, and he relaxed, thinking she had left. Suddenly, the door swung open and Angel stood there, holding one of her hairpins triumphantly.
Collins just stared as Angel moved toward him. He'd known her long enough to know she was pissed, but she hid it well, perching herself on his lap and stroking his chest.
"Care to tell me what that was all about?" she asked gently.
Collins looked away guiltily, but Angel took his chin in her hand and turned him back to face her.
"Collins," she said, voice carrying a warning, and Collins knew she wasn't going to let him off the hook.
"I…" he began, voice raspy. Looking into her eyes, he found he didn't know how he could tell her. What would she think of him? Would she leave him? Hate him? The last thought made his breath catch in his throat. "I'm sorry, Angel. Did I hurt you?"
Angel's eyes narrowed as he avoided the issue. She shook her head. "No, you didn't hurt me," she assured him, "But you need to tell me what's wrong. What did I do?"
Collins' eyes widened and he took Angel's hands in his, "Oh, God, Angel!" he cried, "You didn't do anything, baby. No. It's not you, it's…" he trailed off, tears forming in his eyes as he looked away from her.
"It's what?" Angel pressed, softly. She was worried for him, wanted to know what was making him act this way. "Collins, honey, no secrets, remember?"
She was right, Collins knew. From the moment they met, they had promised there would be no secrets between them. Now, Collins almost wished they hadn't, for he truly didn't want her to know about this.
"I just can't…" he sighed, unable to say the words, "I can't do that." He gestured vaguely, hoping she'd understand.
"I figured that one out on my own, Collins. But why?"
Collins ran a hand over his face. One of the things he loved about Angel was how headstrong she could be. Right now, that stubbornness was a problem. "Something…" he began quietly, choosing his words carefully, "Something happened a few years ago. I don't… I don't talk about it. No one knows. I don't want anyone to know."
Angel listened carefully, her stomach churning at his words as she realized what he was saying. "Oh, Collins," she breathed, kneeling beside him and wrapping her arms around him, cradling his head to her chest.
Collins allowed himself to be held, her arms giving him strength even as the tears began to flow again. He began to tell his story in broken phrases, wrapping his own arms around her waist as though he was afraid she would leave him when she heard what had been done to him.
"There were three… three of them. I tried to fight them. They were strong… kicked me. They made me… do things. To them. Did things to me. It hurt, Angel," he sobbed, "It hurt."
Angel's own eyes filled and she kissed the top of his head, running her hands up and down his back, soothingly. Her heart broke for him and she wished she could take the pain away, ease his suffering.
Angel held Collins for a long time as he sobbed, whispering comforting words to him, listening as he shared the details of his rape, how humiliated he'd been that he couldn't defend himself, how he'd never told anyone before her. His last words were barely audible, but Angel caught them and they tore at her heart.
"Please don't leave me."
Angel pulled his head away from her chest, looking into his swollen eyes with determination. "I'm not going anywhere, Tom," she told him.
Collins sighed with relief. He felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him. Looking into Angel's eyes, he saw the same love he always had. Nothing had changed. She didn't hate him, wasn't going to leave. He smiled a bit, reaching up to brush a stray tear from her cheek.
"Thank you, baby," he whispered.
"For what, Collins?" she asked, returning his smile.
"For loving me."