Confessions of a Self-Proclaimed Bunhead
All my life I've been shy. I hate it- I want nothing more than to be fearless, to be able to stand up in front of people and sing, or talk, or whatever. But I can't, no matter how hard I want to- I start turning red, and mumbling, and I rush so as to get the whole ordeal over with. People who aren't shy have no idea how lucky they are not to be so painfully self-conscious and insecure. I can't express myself through words and music the way they can- so therefore, I have to express myself through dance.
I've been dancing for as long as I can remember- at the age of four I was enrolled in a summer dance camp which I enjoyed so much that I was enrolled for the rest of the year. But my dance started even before then- as a baby, once I was able to sit up on my own, I would bounce happily in my high-chair to any music playing. Once I'd started having dance lessons, I would perform "improv" in the living room to the radio for my father and the huge, clunky video camera he had to lug around on his shoulder- I think it was a 1980's, or at least early 1990's model. It recorded straight to VHS tape and weighed about 10 pounds.
I also grew up with an appreciation for Classical Music. We listened to the classical music station, and had lots of CDs, cassette tapes, and even some old vinyl LPs that my parents had collected through the years. It was to these that I danced at home, as well as to classics like the Beatles and Carly Simon.
My first studio was a "competition studio"- the ballet world's term for studios that do countless competitions in glittery, skintight, flashy costumes, and they always seem to bring home several trophies, no matter the studio. We often say this in a derogatory manner- "oh, she's a competition girl"- about dancers that are showy, always plaster big, fake smiles on for performances, along with their bright blue eye shadow, eyeliner wings on the outside edges of their eyes that almost go to their hairline, and hooker fake eyelashes. They are not necessarily bad dancers, but we get tired of people assuming that's what we do when we say we dance. The majority of them seem to lack technique, instead making up for it with cheesy facial expressions and barely-there costumes, but act full of themselves, seemingly thinking they're the best dancer ever. This isn't true of all competition dancers, this is really just a stereotype that we bunheads have made- just as we have been stereotyped by the rest of the world.
When I tell people I want to dance professionally, their reactions usually are something along the lines of
"oh, that's nice, I did ballet when I was 6, but I didn't like it so I quit"
"My daughter/granddaughter/niece/other dances ballet! She's 4!"
"Oh, that's nice, is that like Dancing with the Stars?"
"I think that's cute, although it's kind of sissy for boys to do."
And occasionally they'll twirl around, with their arms over their head and their feet turned in and their knees bent and say "I'm a ballerina!"
A lot of my non-immediate family is what you'd classify as typical Southerners. It's only to be expected, growing up in North Carolina. For my 12th birthday, my biggest present was my first pair of pointe shoes. When I shared this with my family, they asked "What are pointes shoes?"
Everyone gives the impression that they think that's what 6 year olds who wear pink tutus and are obsessed with Angelina Ballerina and all things bearing a motif of a "ballerina" with ribbons laced to her knee would say. But they have no idea what it's really like. They make me want to scream "I'm 15! Stop acting like I'm 5!" And ribbons can't go to your knees, much less be tied in a huge bow- they're not long enough.
More recently I've had some people mention Black Swan- they seem to think that because I'm a dancer, I'll appreciate it. Let me clear this up really fast- I haven't met a dancer yet who has liked it, and this includes Principal dancers at major companies. Now, we've progressed from the frou-frou pink tutus to people who have mental breakdowns and seem to think they're growing wings and turning into the role they're playing. I've never seen the movie, and I never want to.
So, because I've gotten tired of these people, I've decided to let you know what it's really like in the dance world. Get ready for the confessions of a self-proclaimed bunhead.
A/N: So, I just finished the book "Bunheads" by Sophie Flack, and that inspired me to write this. I've been planning this for a while- it's sort of based off my life, but I'm going to be changing names, places, and some dates. But what I just said is true- I'm tired of these assumptions, and wanted to share this with everyone out there.
So this is based off my life, but at the same time, I'm going to add some fiction in here, and I'm changing some things to fiction- like I'm going to say I live in NC- I've been there and was born there, but I don't live there any more. I won't tell you where I live now haha. That is for me only to know!
Also, I was going to put this on FictionPress, but I'm having a bunch of account issues with that, so I'll just pretend it's a FF of 'Bunheads' by Sophie Flack, in which case I need a disclaimer, so I do not own any rights to any of that