A/N: This story is the result of various ideas that I finally figured out how put together. It takes place in X-Men TAS (the only aspect changed is the Thieves Guild) but I also drew inspiration from the comics. I hope you like it.
xXxXx
He walked along the corridor as distracted as a lifetime of training allowed. He took off his shades, which served to protect his eyes not only from solar rays but also from prying looks, and unconsciously scanned every corner; staying alert was like a second nature.
It was hot outside as the sun shone in a cloudless sky. He liked days like that as nostalgia took him back to a simpler time and place when he could run to the river and away from his responsibilities on a daily basis.
He had run a few miles in the park earlier that morning and now was making his way back to his apartment, carrying some grocery bags in his hands and three new contacts on his phone – although he had not lifted a finger to get them, they would give him three new options of what to do later that night. Adrenaline from the previous day's successful heist still ran through his body. It would be dark soon but there was still time to decide how to spend the night. He had to keep himself occupied or rather he would go crazy, even though he was aware of how self-destructive his behavior was. Thinking back, just a few months earlier, for the first time ever, he had been on the opposite side, easy and settled down. Yet, the inquietude he felt once again was like an itch he could not scratch.
Before he turned the corner that led to his apartment door, his sense of smell caught a familiar perfume. A sweet scent he had never been able to forget. Stunned, he halted and hesitated for a second, questioning whether his mind was playing games with him. His question was soon answered when he came across the image which for the last months had been nothing but a picture on his cellphone.
"T'ought I'd taught better dan dis" he said in jest, and tsked noisily. A playful posture emerged as naturally as the enigmatic smile in the corner of his lips. Enough to muffle the turmoil that the unexpected sight of her stirred up.
"So did Ah" she replied, laughing as she looked up with her green eyes. She breathed in deeply in a mix of relief and anticipation as she shamelessly put away the hairpin and the nail spatula she had been using to try to pick the lock of his apartment door, glad that he was the first person to run into her.
Up to that point, she had been confidant that the setup would be funny and charming, that they would laugh at that ridiculous situation; however, she lost her nerve after seeing the neutrality on his face and his forced affability. Rising from her crouching position, she ran one of her hands through her hair, a motion she was used to doing unconsciously whenever she saw the need to improvise. Upon noticing she had forgotten her sunglasses on her forehead, she took them off and used her fingers to tidy her auburn and white hair tangled from the wind, desperately trying to find something to say as she felt her cheeks burn.
"You need de right tools, McGyver... an' a lotta practicing" he said to fill the void, much for their relief. He moved the grocery bags from one hand to the other and picked his keys up. Waved his hand for her to get in.
Smiling in relief, she picked up her cumbersome backpack lying by her feet and threw it on one of her shoulders. She entered the apartment without letting show the insecurity she really felt as memories mercilessly flooded over her at every step.
He took a deep breath as he watched her walk in, reprimanding himself for postponing the question regarding her sudden arrival. Still, the vision of the pureness of her smile and the sweetness of her tucking her hair behind her ear could make the last months disappear, and that frightened him.
She sat her backpack down on the ground and followed him to the kitchen. "How've you been?" she asked, trying to sound casual despite herself.
"Fine" he answered briefly, placing the groceries down on the kitchen counter. That was the right answer. It always was. "Want somet'ing to drink?" he asked as he pulled the fridge door open, that way, finding an excuse to turn his back on her.
"Just water" she said. "Ah'm really thirsty" she added in an attempt to make up for the fact that her voice had caved in a little.
He grabbed two plastic bottles from the refrigerator and tossed one at her. She drank half of its content in one long sip. The drawn-out movement offered him the time he needed to study her. Her long hair fell in waves on the slightly tanned skin of her back and shoulders. The hot day was also reflecting on her clothes: Daisy Duke shorts and a white tank top – outfit she had always felt comfortable in. Even before. Her hiking boots and stuffed backpack suggested she had just come back from her road trip. The confidence she tried so hard to pull off was forced and strangled, not even close to the natural, childlike confidence from before. He then turned his eyes away before she noticed he had been eyeing her.
"I wasn't expecting t' find you here" he said, straightforwardly despite himself, as if he had not realized he had spoken out loud till he heard his own voice.
"Ah wasn't either."
"I live here" he answered back, grinning at her.
She grinned back timidly. As he had moved away after leaning back on the sink, she took a stride forward and leaned her elbows on the counter, next to the now forgotten groceries. "Ah mean, Ah thought you wouldn't be here" as she feared getting lost in her own web of lies, illogically she kept on talking. "Actually, Ah've just arrived. Needed a place to spend the night, but Ah'm fed up with sleeping at cheap hotels. Only after Ah got here Ah noticed Ah didn't have the keys you gave me" she slid a glance at him, but much to her disappointment, he revealed nothing. "Didn't wanna go straight back to the mansion."
He waited but she did not say why. "You can stay here, Rogue" he offered sincerely, despite the fact that he was not convinced by her story nor did he ignore the risks his invitation would bring to the already dangerous situation.
"It's just..." she started to say but his honest offer had moved her more than she would have liked. "It's obvious you've been spending a lot of your time here" the groceries, the full fridge, the dirty dishes, the disorganized cushions on the sofa. "Ah don't wanna be a bother" she said, feeling her cheeks go red as any vestige of confidence went down the drain. "Ah don't even know if you're alone" she swallowed in a dry throat and looked away, wondering how close to the truth her last statement stood. Lost a few inches when she shrunk her shoulders as if expecting to be disappointed. Hastily looked around, searching for her backpack as if forgotten where she had left it, in case she needed to run away from there.
"You can stay" he reiterated, deliberately ignoring her last statement. "I told you you could stop by anytime you wanted" but the comforting words were frozen by his tone and inexpressive face.
This time, his invitation was not followed by a warm grin. Yet, she tried to smile, and failed bitterly. The offer had been true. But that was then, she thought sadly. Wound up nodding, however hesitant, struggling to disguise the uncertainty tearing her apart.
"I have a spare room" he said casually. "You can stay for as long as you need" he paused as if what he was going to say next had slipped his mind, and looked straight into her eyes with his eyebrows half-closed. As if snapping out of a daydream, he smiled a toothless smile, reaffirming his offer.
Despite trying not to mistake kindness for interest, she gave herself away when a broad smile flashed over her face. She perked her right shoulder up and tilted her head down at the same direction, biting her lower lip, as she always did unconsciously when she wanted to ask for a favor. "Ah don't wanna impose but Ah got a bunch of dirty clothes in mah backpack..."
"You know where t' find de towels" he said, adopting a tone of constant impartiality. "You can borrow a shirt. Later I take you to the laundry room so we'll see what we can do about dose dirty clothes."
"Thanks" she whispered, holding in check the urge to move closer and touch him. She picked up her backpack and headed to the bathroom.
4 months earlier:
She stared down at the palms of her bare hands in disbelief. It had been mere minutes, though she felt as if she had been floating in a dream for hours. However, her eyes were doubtful. Eyebrows wrinkled and lips contracted, stiff and dry. The corners of her mouth twitched spasmodically, but never forming a smile. Incredulity made her question whether it was real. Until the girl was finally pulled back into reality.
It did not matter how sneaky he was, in a way, she always felt his presence.
"It worked" she whispered, struggling to find her voice. She moistened her lips and swallowed hard. "It worked" she said again. And again. And again. Her voice getting stronger at every word that fell from her lips. She turned on her knees, eyes shimmered with tears and irregular breathing. "It worked" she said again, trying to wipe away her disbelief. Without realizing she was moving, she ran to him. Found him in a few strides, throwing herself at him, wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. "It worked" she could simply not stop saying. "It worked, Remy. It worked" the smile of happiness on her face would not go away for a long time.
The veiled expectation on his face turned into something indecipherable even to himself, but the insinuation of a smile remained as he held her effortlessly in his arms.
She chuckled, unrestrained. Let her arms go and threw her body backwards, knowing he would hold onto her. Came back to her previous position nearly out of breath as her chuckling went on. Her long wavy hair framed her face when her eyes met his again. Her smile faded, her eyes blinked half-closed. She wetted her lips again, and saw herself back to the ground. Her arms, however, refused to let go of his neck. She did not care, for she was very aware of his hands on her waist.
She saw his lips part to say something that was left unsaid when they heard voices approaching. She stepped back, as if caught doing something wrong. She watched with a smile as some of her colleagues stepped into the infirmary room, where she had been resting, to see her. It was as comforting as the hugs received right afterward.
When she turned around, he was no longer there.
Rogue walked automatically, forcing her eyes not to go through all the details she remembered. Everything felt so familiar that made her chest ache. She stumbled upon memories wherever she looked at. On the face of it, everything seemed to be the same since the last time she was there, months earlier. She snuffed, only then realizing there were tears in her eyes. There were so many sentiments fighting over, she thought she would go insane. If it weren't for her experience in that matter due to her powers, she thought ironically and bitterly, perhaps she was indeed one step away from losing her mind.
She halted by his bedroom door. Took a deep breath, planning to go in quickly only to pick up a shirt from his closet. Nonetheless, she could not stop herself from smiling nostalgically upon seeing his untidy bed – he had always hated making his bed. And again, every detail was there, from every piece of furniture to where he was used to keeping his more personal belongings.
After lingering on in his bedroom for longer than she should have and forgetting to pick up a piece of clothing from his closet, she headed to the bathroom. Absentmindedly, grabbed a towel and hung it on the hook; it took her a few seconds to notice she had let it drop on the floor. She slowly stripped off, avoiding the mirror till she no longer could.
"What are you doing, girl?" she asked her reflection as if she genuinely expected an answer. The uncertainty of her decision of going back was crushing her.
She stepped into the shower, and sighed pleasantly as the warm water hit her body. She felt the cleansing of her dusty body reflect on her morale and spirit. Being back in the city that had become her home was more gratifying than going back to her hometown. In the latter, there were no bonds to hold onto, only memories of a long gone life that could not be; whereas, in the former, there were possibilities and future.
She lingered in hopes of damping down her thoughts, scrubbing her body more impetuously than necessary. Did not mind ending up with her skin red, for it was as if last months' invisible tattoos had been erased. She remained motionless for some minutes, feeling the soothing heat of the water washing her down.
She fantasized he would come find her to tell her everything she wanted to hear. But the door remained closed. With a deep and resigned sigh, she left the warm comfort of the bathroom with a towel tucked around her body and pulled the door of his closet open.
She looked down at all her gloves, panty-hoses and scarves inside her closet, taking a mental note to get rid of most of them. She picked out a flowered yellow dress. Got rid of the towel and dressed. Looked at herself in the mirror. The dress had a deep V cleavage and came down a few inches above her knees. Reaching for the two ends of the string by her waist, she tied them in a knot on her back distractedly. Looked at her reflection pleased as she ran her hands through her wavy hair fallen on her left shoulder. Contemplated all her bare skin, delighted in knowing it would be enough. Taking a deep breath, she told herself it would be enough.
Through the years, fear became intrinsic to whom she was. Being afraid of getting close – as much physically as emotionally – and running away when feeling cornered had become instinctive after a life devoid of the most basic human act. Much as the expectation of new possibilities made something untamed emerge, she was aware that it would not be that easy. A life of getaways and cocoons was something to be overcome.
Rogue smiled determinedly at her reflection. She had waited for that moment for too long to walk away.
She snorted, disheartened, as she went through her backpack for something that could still be worn. She had not lied about carrying all but dirty clothes. She finally found her likely last piece of clean underwear that there was left. Put on pajamas shorts and the t-shirt that she had picked out in his closet, breathing in the scent emanating from it, his scent.
She glanced at her sad reflection in the bathroom mirror when she went back there to dry her hair. Sighed as she gravely stared at herself after sliding the palm of her hand over the blurred surface. Noticed just how ironic it was that the blurriness of her reflection was exactly like she felt: confused and full of doubts. She had gotten up every ounce of courage in her to go there. But then she doubted. She did not think it would be that hard. Perhaps she had better make up an excuse and get out of there at the first opportunity, she thought. Still, from the minute she arrived there, she felt the familiar coziness enveloping her, even if Remy was being colder and more distant than she had anticipated. She had not gone so far to turn back.
Gambit foolishly believed that cooking would take her unexpected showing up off his mind; nonetheless, her presence obliterated everything else and messed up his thoughts and commonsense. He caught himself preparing what she liked to eat. He thoughtfully figured that after months on the road she should have been missing homemade meals.
Rogue smelled the delicious food being cooked and only then realized how long she had spent in the shower. She walked barefoot on the wood floor, following the aroma as if she were floating like a cartoon character. Her stomach responded to the stimulus with a noisy growling.
"You hungry?" he asked, glancing at her. As much as forced neutrality could still be perceived in his voice, it started to gradually become more affable.
"Starving" she replied as she came closer like a shy child. Smiled at how his accent became more pronounced whenever he cooked. She had never told him how adorable she found this, and unfortunately she knew that moment was not appropriate for that. Funny how something so mundane made her realized that there was never a right moment. She wondered, with a crushing grip in her chest, if she would ever have another chance to tell him everything that was left unsaid.
She helped him set the table and sat down. Helped herself unceremoniously with a smile crossing her face. Complimented the food after one bite. The fact that those dishes were her favorites did not escape her attention, even as she opted for not mentioning it. "Thanks, Remy. Everything tastes delicious."
He smiled back at her. "De rien" then turned his attention to the plate in front of him before his eyes turned him over. Being carried away and giving in were tempting. Seeing her right in front of him, smiling at him, made him feel as if not a day had gone by since their last meal together.
And so, they fell silent. They attempted to break it with banal remarks about the weather and other trivialities, but it did not take. Their eyes avoided one another. They had not come close to each other, much less touched. Both wondering how they had gotten to that point: two strangers trying to feel comfortable with each other.
Rogue smiled upon finding the X-Men gathered in order to celebrate her achievement. There was something warm and rewarding in that group of people, who at first came together due to one characteristic in common. Eventually, they became a strong and united team, then a group of friends, finally a family.
In the midst of a dangerous and uncertain life, a peaceful night of small talk, drinks and laughter was a safe haven from turbulence. Something that went without saying as everyone shared that same sentiment.
Rogue was welcomed with smiles and affectionate gestures, even if still tentative. Then her eyes sought for him in vain. Several minutes had gone by before a deep voice, full of innuendo, finally made itself be heard.
"Starting de party wit'out me? Dat's a shame."
She turned her head around and found Gambit leaning comfortably on the frame of the enormous double door, arms crossed and a lopsided smirk on one side of his lips forming a charming dimple. His face was like a mask hiding whatever he chose to hide.
"You are late, my friend" Ororo said as she approached him, placing down a kiss on his cheek.
Rogue held herself in time not to turn her face away, as she always did when her eyes fell on displays of affection. Some habits would die harder.
Gambit watched as Storm stepped away upon being called and took a few steps towards Rogue.
"Ah thought you wouldn't come, swamp rat" she teased, folding her arms over her chest in mock outrage.
"I'm flattered ya missed me, chère" if running away was her defense mechanism, flirting was his.
"Jus' because you'd never miss a party."
He shortened the distance between them with one more step, clicking his tongue in mock disapproval. "Dat's not exactly true" he invaded her personal space, ignoring the fact that the stakes had increased; pretending nothing had changed. "Ya know I rather have more private parties."
Rogue's reactions ranged from exasperation to embarrassment then to amusement, often the three emotions blended; however, the outcome was always the same: she ran away. Her track record made the fact that this time she did not back off even the more astonishing. She tried emulating his smirk as a challenge as her brain schemed a smart comeback when she was interrupted.
"This beer's warm" Wolverine moaned as he approached them. "Let's play pool."
It would be hard to explain how they got to that point: three very competitive pairs competingin an improvised pool championship in which mutant abilities were not allowed. After a few fierce matches, Gambit and Rogue came out victorious, much to Wolverine's displeasure.
"There'll be a return match" he said in a mock dangerous tone before stepping out of the room with a smirk on his lips.
As the game came to a close, loser couples and spectators alike stepped out of the rack room. Wolverine was a lousy loser, but Gambit was insufferable even when he won. Rogue had played against him several times in the past and in every one of them she wished to have taken that smirk out of his arrogant mug, the same smirk now stamped on his face as he came closer to her, twirling the cue fast between his fingers as he did with his bo staff.
Only later would Rogue realize that the 'high five' in celebration to their victory had been her first deliberate touch. Unlike the moment when he slid an arm around her waist. His arm barely brushed hers but the feeling was so alien to her that she felt it as a chock.
"Let's celebrate" he murmured. It was not a question.
Intoxicated by his hot breath near her mouth, she felt her body go numb. "It's just a silly game" she replied, choosing to give a naïve answer.
"Not de game" he murmured.
That's how he got everything he wanted, she thought. How could anyone resist that voice, those eyes, that smile? Shying away from his advances and flirting was not only the easy way out but also the correct one. It spared her a lot of pain and suffering, she repeated to herself way too often. Did he not see how painful it was to her?
It did not matter how many times he repeated that he wanted her, she knew he could never manage to commit to the untouchable girl for long; he could not commit to anyone, after all. How long until the cat and mouse game lost its fun and she ended up with a broken heart? In spite of being aware of all these possibilities and of how inconstant and unpredictable he was, she had fallen in love with him. How could she not fall head over hills with that snake charmer? The last thing Rogue wanted was to continue to seek reasons for not letting herself be charmed. The only way out was through.
He had felt attracted to her since he had laid eyes on her. Although the first time they met was as banal as it gets: they shook hands as they were introduced. There was something about her that pulled to him right away, and it was not only the fact she was exquisitely beautiful or her purity waiting to be corrupted. There was something else, something he would come to understand later, but if he were honest with himself, he would know he had noticed from the get-go.
Even he was amazed at how vividly he remembered their first alone exchange. Gambit had arrived at the mansion through Storm, and, on the spur of the moment, took part in a mission. Afterwards, he was invited to join the team but was not yet convinced of staying. He was dropped off at a spare room on the same corridor as the others, promising to himself he would make a decision on whether he would stay that very night.
Uneasy and already feeling suffocated, he went out to the balcony for a smoke and thinking when he saw her two balconies away. Her face was contemplative and distraught. He called her out with a psst, without shame of interrupting her thoughts. She turned her face to him without taking offence at being disturbed; on the contrary, she even gave him a smile, as sad as the smile offered was. She floated as naturally as if she was walking and sat down on the balustrade. He put the unused cigarette back inside his pocket.
"Looks like we're neighbors now" she said.
"I'm not sure I'll stay."
Her lips formed an 'ah' but said nothing. "Have you seen the Danger Room?" she asked, perkily, trying to show him everything he would miss out on in case he left so prematurely.
"Yeah" he replied with a trace of a grin.
She arched her eyebrows, and scowled in defeat. "Gee, not easy to blow you away."
He thought of giving her a dirty reply but opted to be honest instead. "After ya see too much of de world, it loses a lotta its appeal."
"Well, think Ah haven't seen much then" she tucked a streak of white hair behind her ear timidly; he found the gesture adorable. "Where're you headed then?"
He put his hands inside his coat pockets and leaned over the balustrade. "Still considering de possibilities."
"Don't you miss home?" she asked ingenuously, for she missed so many things he reminded her of.
"A lot" he replied in a sudden excess of sincerity.
"Then why–?"
"It's complicated" he cut her off purposely, putting an abrupt end to the subject, although he could not shake it completely, for he got intrigued to get to know more. "Which part o' de other side o' de river are you from?" he asked, casting a charming grin at her.
She smiled timidly. "Caldecott County. You've probably never heard of it."
"Non, been dere years ago. On business" he added quickly in order to avoid more questions as he saw her interest grow.
"It's so small we must've bumped into each other."
"I t'ink I'd remember."
She caught on to his flirting, but did not back off. "Ah'd also remember if Ah'd seen someone with yer eyes. They come up along with yer powers?" she amended quickly as to not give him the impression she was flirting back.
He took a few seconds to answer. "Non, was born wit'em."
Her own eyes saddened with empathy. "You mean you always knew you were a mutant?"
He stopped to think, really pondering on the matter. "I guess as a child I didn't really know what I was or what I would become. I t'ought it was cool… bein' different. I like my powers."
She hung her head slightly as she felt something get caught in her throat. "Ah can't say the same about mahne."
"Flying an' being indestructible must really suck" he said in jest, but under false pretenses as he hoped she would tell him more. His smile was manipulative.
She shrugged and avoided eye contact. "These powers, they're not mine. Ah stole them" then she turned her face to him bravely, staring straight into his eyes, waiting for his negative reaction to surface. Preferred that way. Sooner he knew he should stay away from her, the better. "Ah can absorb who someone is with only one touch, one brush of mah skin. Ah don't have control."
She did not turn her eyes away from his, and Gambit accepted the challenge. "I'm a t'ief an' I ain't see no problem in dat at all" he said, disarming her altogether. She turned her eyes away and flushed, kicking off her running away cycle as she made up an excuse to flee from him. Gambit obviously did not intimidate.
When a girl caught his attention, he would focus on winning her heart. He must have been spoiled because no woman had made him work that hard. He had to admit that at first he faced the fact as a refreshing challenge. Could not anticipate falling in love with her along the way. How someone who could have any women he wanted fall for the only one he could not? He was very aware of the irony. So, in the blink of an eye, she stopped being untouchable.
All the times he had taken her in his arms, charmed her until she melted with his voice, did not compare to that moment. He pulled her by the waist as if it were still a game. Brushing aside the fact that he knew nothing would be like before.
"Where to?" he asked.
"Anywhere you want to" she replied.
"When'd you come back?" she asked, after a prolonged so. Felt the need to say something, anything, after they had finished their meal.
"Barely two weeks ago" he replied, uninterested; tapped his fingers on the table, forcing them to get busy with something else.
"Didn't think it'd be so soon" she struggled to show nothing more than politeness, although it would be a matter of time before she caved in.
He was better at that game than she was. "T'ought de same abou' you, Rogue" he gulped down the last sip of water left in his glass, wincing at the tastelessness. Still, he had better not drink alcoholic beverages, he needed all his senses intact. "How was your trip?"
She sighed, undecided whether she should protect her ego or tell the truth. Chose to lie. "Cool" she said but changed her mind right away. She then looked away at how unconvincing she sounded. "Actually... not exactly how Ah thought it'd be. Kinda lonely."
He snorted in disbelief. "You'd never have any problems finding company, Rogue. After all, wasn't dis what you've always wanted?" he could not restrain the accusing tone of voice in time.
She felt her eyes burn and hung her head slightly. He was being intentionally cruel, echoing back to a drunk talk of years ago when they barely knew each other. As hurtful as his last remark was, it was also the first time since her arriving that he let show how he really felt; it had to be some kind of victory.
Determined, Rogue struggled to ignore his provoking. Even if it had been a mistake to have gone look for him, it was too late to turn back now. "Ah did find company" she said with conviction. "Didn't like it" she did not tell him that in three occasions she kissed some guy after a couple of drinks. The last one of them, not at all pleased with getting nothing more than a make out session and being turned down right after, even though she had showed interest, lashed out at her, and ended up with a broken nose. Even after months of control she remained alone as if she were still untouchable. Could not go on knowing that such an important part of her life had been left unresolved. Tried moving on until she realized it was worthless. Treated her new state superficiality, never giving herself the chance to make it real. "Nobody that was worth it anyway" she added, chagrined, but regretted immediately, hoping he would not take her words as innuendo.
She drank down a glass of water to swallow down whatever had gotten caught in her throat. Cleared it loudly, trying to buy time to decide what to do next.
"Now, are you sure dat's how ya want to phrase it t' me, chère?" even though he made his question sound like a joke, there was truthfulness to it. Why would she trust him that way? It meant everything, yet it made him doubt.
Still, she had tightened her arms around his waist as she got on the back of his motorcycle. Had gotten off without being able to get her legs to steady. Had let him lead her by the hand. Watched as his fingers interweaved hers, fascinated by the absence of her gloves. Let herself be drawn into him, into his intoxicating scent, into his hoarse laughter, into his melodic voice, into spontaneous touches that made her more and more comfortable. She had let him lead the way, waiting for the moment he would make her his.
He did not touch her, did not kiss her, did not even come close to her.
In her naïve fantasies, he would take her in his arms and kiss her and tell her how much he had missed her as soon as he saw her at his door. Instead, she had put them through that awkward situation.
"How're the Guild's business?" she questioned, refusing to ask herself whether her intent was to make him uncomfortable or merely a poor excuse for a patty vendetta.
Gambit frowned slightly. Strange how she chose to touch on the very subject that had unchained the beginning of the end. "I'm the boss now" he mocked.
Her eyes shot open, surprised and complacent, leaving aside the cynicism she had intended to show. "That's the last thing you wanted" her voice was full of sincerity, understanding and compassion.
He picked on it, and the coldness in the character he was playing weakened. "I had no choice. I was afraid if I didn't bow down, some idiot could ruin everything" in spite of his contrived and carefully-chosen words, he became more and more honest. Soon his character would die for good.
Just like hers. "An' how'd you manage to come back?" she asked as she leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands.
"I didn't. Not completely, anyway. I'll be comin' and goin' b'tween de cities. Few weeks with the Guild an' I t'ought I'd go crazy if I stayed full time" his shoulders relaxed a little; his fingers toying with the empty glass. "It's funny how... it hit me that I couldn't walk away from the X-Men" he gave an incredulous half-smile, as if he himself did not believe his own words. "I've got responsibilities to de Guild and to de X-Men. I'm not willing t' choose."
She smiled with affection. For too long Gambit thought he did not fit in with the X-Men. She knew well how inadequate he really felt. And even with the duality of being on the side of heroes and thieves did not diminish his heroism nor the countless times he had proved his worth. Unconsciously, she stretched her hand to touch his on the table, but as soon as she saw that their fingers were few inches away from each other she aborted the movement pathetically and dissimulated as she could. He clearly noticed, but did not let it show, for he perceived her embarrassment. Wondered what the price would be if he finished the gesture in her place.
"The X-Men know anything?" she asked.
"Non" there was no way they would know of the situation much less the details. "I told them I'd have t' go out more often an' we made a deal. Dey won't ask me what I'm doing as long as I'm dere when I'm needed."
"Ah know how dangerous Guild business can get" she said, ever hesitating.
He was aware it was not an accusation, but her worrying made him weak. "What the X-Men do is dangerous" he replied oddly defensive.
Shifting, she leaned back on her chair, with her arms folded, getting into defensive mode. "At least with the X-Men Ah can be with you."
His voice softened. "Exactly because of how dangerous it is I never wanted you dere, Rogue. De last thing I wanted was for you to get involved. I tried t' protect you from dat place."
"And for that you cut me out of your life" she replied as she turned her face away.
"You ran away from me" he stated, his voice as hurt as hers.
There were no counterarguments in neither case.
She lowered her eyes and picked at a cuticle on her thumb with her index finger until it bled. "Ah've given it a lot of thought" she confessed with her voice weak, picking her words carefully. "An' Ah understand why you didn't want me to go with you. Still, it would've been nice to share this part of your life" she looked up at him as she finished, making a point of how serious she was about it all.
He did not bow down before her fierce look. "You left me outta some parts, too."
"Ah know" she tilted her head down, abashed.
Not being able to touch her was painful; knowing that suddenly he could, hurt even deeper. As reckless as he was, Gambit always knew that if he really tried to get close to her he would end up in a coma or even dead. Either way, he would end up hurt, physically and perhaps emotionally as well. He had never been afraid, unlike her. He had always been the one to chase. She had always been the one to run away, in an endless cycle.
If she felt the same way about him, then she would have to seek him out. It had nothing to do with his ego – he enjoyed being the chaser – but because the nature of her powers had deprived her from maturing emotionally. In an unselfish act due to his feeling for her, he refused to confuse her further. The decision would be hers to make, even if every piece of him gravitated in her direction.
Rogue had never felt so disappointed. A cold shiver ran through her body, paralyzing her. She seemed to stand still on that corridor for hours on end after the door had slid shut behind him.
She would never have thought that that would be like her night would end; definitely not with his saying good night and walking away from her. Just when she, who had always been so afraid of getting close, yearned for this touch. She was sick and tired of running and feeling afraid. She wanted to take chances. Take chances with him. She could only picture herself in his arms and nobody else's.
Tears made her eyes burn, and she nearly sought shelter in the loneliness of her bedroom. If she was going to be rejected, she at least deserved to know why. Bravely, she stomped toward his room and knocked hard on the door. Stepped in impetuously as soon as the door opened, all but pushing him out of the way. Gambit did not say a word, in spite of being in ecstasy by her being there, his face showed nothing, no evidence of how he really felt.
Rogue stared at his face and her voice got caught. She hated how inexpressive he was. "Did you lie to me?" she asked without knowing whether to herself or out loud.
His frail voice answered with another question. "About what?" he asked genuinely confused, after all, there were so many things.
She struggled to find her voice. Crossed her arms over her chest as if that gesture could protect her from him, even though she was the one lashing out. "On the Savage Land..." her voice was weak, a mix of shame and fear of knowing the truth. "when you said you loved me."
He breathed out loudly, only then realizing he had been holding his breath. He nodded nearly imperceptibly. "I t'ought dere wouldn't be another chance to say... I truly believed dat was gonna be our end" he confessed, swallowing hard as he turned his eyes at her. His voice intensified. "If we survived, I knew I couldn't go on living wit'out kissing you at least once."
"An' for all this time Ah couldn't go on knowing that Ah could never kiss you again" she managed to say despite the lump in her throat and the tears she could no longer fight against.
They had never talked about what happened on the Savage Land. Following the heat of the battle, they headed to the Black Bird to leave and never look back. They sat away from each other, not even exchanging looks. Weeks had gone by before the strange atmosphere began to fade, even though they doubted it could ever go back to being as it had used to be. There was no coming back from something like that.
They could not tell who moved first. Their lips met half-way through.
Their eyes crossed just for a moment. There was so much to be said, and so little courage to say it. In a pathetic attempt to flee, Rogue stood up impetuously – nearly knocking the chair down – and headed to the living room after stopping in the middle of the way for a moment not knowing where to go.
Gambit stood up and, after some hesitation, followed her, purposely falling a few steps behind. He halted and it was as if he could see her turn to him with a huge smile upon her face as she sat huddled on the sofa, holding a cup of coffee. But it was just a fragment of the past. She turned to him without smiling.
Crouching before his bookshelf, she slid her fingers along his collection of vintage discs. "Can Ah?" he nodded as he slowly stepped forward, keeping his distance. She carefully selected a song and put it to play.
The ghosts of them dancing in the middle of the living room to the sound of that very same song appeared as soon as Charlie Parker started to sing. They looked at the same direction as if they were able to see them. However, at that moment, neither dare cross the path that separated them.
"Ah tried to call you, ya know" she said suddenly, as in an embarrassing confession. "Ah regretted going away as soon as Ah put a foot out the door" kept her aimless trip going out of sheer stubbornness, even though the next days were agonizing; all she could think of was going back to the protection of his arms. "You didn't answer."
"I was outta reach dat day, it wasn't up to me" he said, taking one step closer. Did not bother hiding the grief and regret he truly felt. "I tried to call you too, a few hours after you left, but you didn't answer."
She shook her head as she recalled throwing the phone away that day, how immature her behavior had been. "Ah was so pissed" the regret in her voice emulated his perfectly. "It's not fair" she moaned, letting herself fall onto the sofa. "We didn't even have the chance to really try. Why does everything have to be so hard for us?" she stared down at her own hands lying on her lap; her gloves were not present, but now it did not mean as much as it did before. "If we led normal lives..." she added, yarning wishfully.
He thoroughly understood what she meant. He himself had been tempted to seek a different life. But that was before reality crushed his illusions, forcing him to realize how impossible that was. Yet, sometimes he would find himself wishing some things were different. However, he was too much of a realist to be carried away by promises and fantasies. "You can't change nature."
"Ah know" she said slightly defensive. "Ah just wonder sometimes..." she did not need to finish her thought; what she meant was implicit. At the end of the day, everything came down to the fact that they were mutants in a world that hated them, and all the responsibilities and traumas that came with them. "We could've gone away together" she said as she turned her wet eyes to him. Did not matter if it would be worthless, she just wanted to know he felt the same way. "Now it's too late" not what she really believed, only wanted him to disagree, wanted to hear him say that it was not too late, that it would never be too late.
"Non" he mourned."We would just make de same mistakes again" his turn to say something he did not believe was true, in hopes of her saying the opposite.
However, silence prevailed, as though forever, till she got up the guts to break it.
"We were almost happy."
"Almost" he echoed in agreement, taking one step ahead. If they both stretched their arms, their fingertips would touch. Everything that had happened, everything that had taken them to that moment flashbacked in front of their eyes. In hindsight, it had been a dream. A dream they had awakened from. "But you were never really mine" he said. His tone was hurtful, not of accusation.
"Ah could say the same abou' you" once again she heard the voice that had been shut up a long time ago, the same voice that used to tell her he would never change for her, she would not be the exception, all the secrets he kept inside would continue to keep them apart as much as her powers would.
He sighed deeply. "De mistakes we've made, dey've never been dat different" she agreed with a slight nod. There was no one to blame, they were only two people in love, too afraid to give in to their feelings. "I'll turn in" he said suddenly, after a pause. "If you need anyt'ing..." he let his voice trail off, and she nodded.
Rogue watched as he silently stepped out of the room. Wondered if it was her imagination or had he hesitated before turning away. She curled up on the sofa, pulling her legs to her chest, clutching to the blind faith he would come back.
Minutes went by and she started to feel she was drifting off. Spending the night on the sofa would not be that bad, she thought. Being there, shrouded in familiarity, was cozier than any other place she had been to the last few months. But as the song ended Rogue was brought back to reality.
She got to the bedroom, removed her backpack from the bed, and lay down in a ball, making an effort to catch some shuteye. But as she had anticipated, she could not fall asleep, as exhausted as she was.
In his own bed, Gambit tossed and turned, also incapable of falling asleep.
Memories forcing them to relive the past.
She slid an arm along the bed as soon as she felt the absence of his warmth. Moaned and woke up completely when she found herself alone in bed. Pulling herself to a sitting position, she tried to tidy her tangled hair; bit her lower lip in a mix of shyness and naughtiness, as she could still feel the burning sensation in all the parts of her body his lips had touched as if they had been scorched. It had been two weeks since her powers were no longer an obstacle, and, after testing their limits in multiple occasions, that night, they had gone all the way.
She wrapped the sheet around her body and went looking for him, feeling her legs shaky and her head light. Smiled upon finding him, moved closer silently and barefoot. Gambit was talking on the phone, his voice slightly loud. Spoke in his Cajun dialect, whose comprehension was challenging even for her who spoke both languages used.
While she pondered how to approach him, he turned to her, with an inexpressive face. Her smile disappeared as soon as she saw the paleness on his face; getting into alert mode. "What's wrong, Remy?"
He hung up and tossed the cell on the sofa. "I need t' go back home" he said, more hesitating than usual. Running his hand through his hair, he felt his nervousness increase.
She breathed in relief, and came close to him, a smile on her lips. She was holding the sheet around her body in order to drop it at the right moment. "When do we leave?"
He looked at her gravely, subtly moving away from her. "I… I'm going alone" his tone of voice was fathomless. He avoided her eyes, pretending his own looked for something else.
"Whataya mean you're going alone?" she asked, letting her suspicions show; all kindness dissipating. He did not answer. "Stop pacing and talk to me" she added as her voice grew louder.
He did as she asked, and looked straight into her eyes; she found the emptiness she hated so much. "I got serious business t' take care of, Rogue, don't know when I'm coming back."
"What kinda business?"
Once again he did not offer an answer; he perceived the accusation in her voice. "Guild's business" and that was all he was willing to tell.
She concentrated on not losing control, desperately trying not to overreact. She tucked the sheet tighter while trying to pin him down. Struggled to bite back an angry retort and make her voice sound tender. "We've promised there would be no more secrets between us. Remember?"
"Bien sûr!" he replied ironically. "What's yer real name again?"
She held his gaze for as long as she could and then looked down. She did not know how to answer. That was her only secret, and she would not give it away that easily, not as long as he kept so many of his.
"You don't trust me, Rogue, not even t' tell me your name" the pain in his voice was palpable.
"You once told me that names didn't matter" she replied through gritted teeth, feeling her eyes burn.
"Dat's not de point and you know it."
"Ah knew it was just a matter of time before you ditched me" she changed the subject. Running had always been the easiest way out. Perhaps she had not changed as much as she would like to believe. "As soon as you got what you wanted."
Her words caused exactly the pain she intended. That was plain to see in his miserable complexion, which not even he was capable of disguising. "If dat's what you think of me after all we've been through, den dere's not'ing I can say to make you change your mind."
She watched him slip through her fingers at every word said, and yet she went on digging her own grave. "If you think Ah'll be waiting for you, Gambit, you gotta another thing coming" she tried hard to say his code-name in disgust, to turn every word into poison. It hurt him as much as it hurt her.
"I'd never ask you to do dat" he replied using the same tone of voice she did, with the exact same intentions.
If days when she did not cross his mind were not rare enough, having her in the room next to his was definitely killing him inside. Rationally, he thought things would be better left the way they were; his body, on the other hand, could not stop wanting her.
But there had always been so many barriers. When the physical one was finally overcome, they illuded themselves into thinking the rest would come easy. But he failed to tear down all the walls she had built around herself. And, in self-preservation, he did the same to himself. In the end, promising not to hide anymore secrets presented itself as nothing more than empty words. Nothing would change as long as they kept on being afraid. It was fear that made them run away and it was fear keeping them apart. Fear of giving in to their feelings and ending up hurt. Fear that love would not be enough. Fear of finding out that what they felt was not as strong as they thought it was. Fear of pinning all their hopes on one another.
Gambit got up, knowing that trying to fall asleep was a lost battle. He left his room in order to drink something that maybe would help him noose. Passing by the living room he saw Rogue's silhouette before the open window.
Back at the mansion, they had found each other in the middle of the night on countless occasions, from the beginning, attracted as two opposite sides of a magnet. As their physical attraction became too strong, they started running from those furtive encounters since they always ended up hurt and wanting more. He asked himself if he wanted this time to be as the ones before.
Gambit had always believed the interest he showed every time he came close to her was concrete proof of his feelings for her. Then why did he pretend not to see these same feelings now that their roles were reversed? She had gone looking for him for the second time, and he still wondered why he refused to accept how much it really meant. He could only imagine how hard it had been for her to go after him, and still he needed to hear her say it.
"Why're you here, Rogue?"
She turned around to face him; she had already felt his presence, as it always happened. "You know why" she all but murmured; her eyes shone in the feeble light. She stepped away from the window, took a few steps toward him. "For all these months Ah've been trying to convince myself that Ah didn't need you. All Ah ever did was running away. Ah'm so tired of running, Remy" she figured her being there would make it clear. "It hurts to see you got over me" she breathed, her statement blending into a concealed question, as if challenging him to prove her wrong.
He swallowed dry, trying to make his head stop spinning. The vulnerability emanating from her was irresistible, his body wanted to reach her, his instincts telling him to protect her in an embrace. Despite his misty head, not a second did he contemplate lying. The truth was plain to see. "I've never gotten over you, Rogue. I still love you. I've always loved you."
She gasped deeply and loudly, not even trying to hide the relief she felt. It was to hear those words that she had gotten up the nerve to be there. It had been her mission all along. "Then why have you given up on us?"
His eyes fell to the ground and his face softened up, even though there was still pain. He wetted his lips and tried to make time, all the while trying to put down in words the vortex of emotions filling him up. "Love has never been our problem. Dere was always somet'ing in our way. Your powers or your distrust."
"Don't you dare blame it all on me, Remy" she mourned. "If you weren't so full of secrets, if you weren't so sneaky, we could've avoided some of our problems."
"I'm mean I'm not guilty. I've made a lotta mistakes. De problem is dat even after we overcame your powers, we couldn't do the same wit' the rest" there was grief, resentment, and guilt in his voice.
"And you thought we could've done that in a couple of weeks?" she laughed despite herself. "We didn't have the time" then shook her head emphatically. "For these last few months Ah've had so much time… to think about everything that's happened. And Ah realized how foolish, how wrong Ah was. All trust we fought so hard to build fell apart when Ah chose to not trust you because it was easier that way, not because it was what Ah really felt" she moved in a little closer. Their faces were few inches away. "Ah ran again because Ah chickened out."
He had felt the same way. He had lit the match and she had burned the bridge that held them together. It was not mere coincidence that their abrupt break up happened right after their first night together when intimacy made them realize how serious it was, even if this notion escaped their attention. Therefore, they went finding out excuses to step away at the first opportunity, and so they ran in opposite directions at their first mishap. Yet, there they were again, unable to stay away from each other.
"I wanna go on fighting for us," he said "but I don't want us to end up hurt again because of our weaknesses and hesitation" was it naïve to believe everything would be different this time when the choice was at their reach, depending solely on themselves? "I couldn't stand to see you run away from me again" his true, painful words justified his apprehension and coldness of the last few hours.
She comprehended. Shook her head vehemently, breathing deeply as if getting up courage. "Ah'll never run again" she said, gasping as she threw herself at his arms.
His response was immediate. Their bodies not only fit perfectly but also moved in sync. Their mouths seemed to be attached, moving hastily, trying to absorb everything they had missed out on. Their hands ran desperately trying to find a place to rest. He scooped her up and she straddled his waist. Their clothes were dropped along the way to the bedroom until there were so physical barriers left – while the metaphorical ones would not take long to ruin.
She dropped onto the bed on her back, with him on top, his lips on her neck, his hands all around her. They shifted, twice, three times, in a continuous rhythm as if it had been rehearsed. Their bodies winced and moved eagerly as they gasped for air. Since their first touch it had been different from their last time. While in the first there was care and hesitation, this time there was haste and certainty. Until they collapsed out of their breaths, bodies exhausted.
She nestled up against his shoulder and felt his arms wrapping around her. Raised her head up to face him before she fell asleep. "Tell me this is a mistake" she challenged him.
"It's not" he replied with conviction.
"Tomorrow?"
"Won't be."
She smiled broadly at the seriousness in his voice. He ran his hands up the small of her back, feeling her shiver with his every touch, embroiled his fingers through her hair and brought her face closer to his until their lips touched.
"You mean Ah succeeded in convincing you?" she asked in jest as soon as she caught her breath again.
"You were very persuasive if you know what I mean" he replied with various layers of innuendo in his voice. However, his eyes showed the gravity of his decision. He had given in at her first touch as he knew would happen.
He had kept his distance, trying to avoid the inevitable, for he had to be sure they were willing to try again, really try. Taking risks was part of his nature, but it was never that simple with her. He did not know how much longer he would be able to pretend not to want her when he had her in front of him, within his reach, to make her his. He could not go on refusing to give them a second chance when having her in his arms was everything he asked for.
The months they spent apart were the most miserable of their lives, only served to prove how much they needed each other, how much they missed each other, how problems dwarfed and became insignificant before the absence of the one who made them whole. Being close again brought feelings back to the surface. It was the final proof that it was no use fighting against those feelings, even if they ended up hurt again. On the contrary, it was worth fighting for them, for running away in order not to get hurt was worth nothing when the only sure thing was what they felt for each other.
She laid her head down on the pillow, and he turned on his side so they were facing each other. "Ah know that things won't magically work themselves out" she murmured. "But Ah promise Ah'll do anything—"
"We won't make promises" he said, cutting her off gently. "We won't be victims of our own plans again. We take t'ings day by day, we see where it leads" he said, caressing her face, his thumb brushing her lips, which twirled into a smile.
He was not in bed with her when she woke up the next morning. A feeling of déjà-vu made a cold, unpleasant shiver run up her spine. Looking around the bedroom, the only piece of clothing she found were her panties lying on the floor. Pulling his closet door open, she picked out a shirt from a hanger. Walked in faltering steps, still buttoning up. Found him in the kitchen where he was preparing breakfast.
He had almost finished putting the meal down on a tray when he noticed her standing at the door, watching him. "I was gonna take it to bed" he said, with a charming pout, which she snatched out of his face with a kiss. On the tip of her feet, she whispered in his ear. Received a huge smile back. "Fits you."
"You really think so?" she asked genuinely interested, with an adorable expression that made her nose wrinkle a little.
"I do. My turn."
"Ya don't have to" she rushed to say, for she no longer believed she needed to get a confession in return. She told him because she wanted no more secrets between them. The act of trusting enough to tell him turned the previous promise into a concrete act.
"But I do" he breathed deeply, pretending he needed to pluck up courage to say. "Do you wanna move in wit' me?"
"Yeah" she did not falter, not even for a second.
"Well, dat means dat de next time I need to leave, ya can come wit' me if you want to."
She nodded and threw her arms around his neck. They went back to bed and ate there.
They spent the next days indoors, seizing the momentary peacefulness. Their dangerous and uncertain lives made the quiet moments the ones they longed for the most. There would never be a perfect moment, so they had to make every second together count and memorable.
They paused the movie to get something to drink. "Red or white?" he asked from the kitchen.
"Red" she said just before hearing her cellphone vibrate on the coffee table. She sighed in disappointment upon seeing a message from the X-Men. "We need to go" she said as he came back holding one glass in each of his hands. She read the message out to him.
He put down the glasses on the coffee table and scratched his chin, feeling the roughness of his stubble, pondering whether it would be so wrong to simply ignore the call. They deserved some alone time, deserved more than the mere three days they got. Deep down he knew that trying to run and hide would not take, though, for at some point they would have to return and face reality.
"Ah thought we'd have a few more days" she said, gloomily, snuggling up in his arms as he sat down next to her. He gave a guttural sound in agreement. "Ah don't wanna go" she confessed as she buried her face in his chest.
He kissed the top of her head and whispered softly next to her ear: "We go on vacation; first chance we get."
She nodded melancholically, knowing opportunities like that were far and few. She put her arms around his neck and pushed herself up enough to straddle him. She laid the palms of her hands on each side of his face as he held her by the waist.
For some time, they remained still trying to avoid the moment they feared most: when they would find out if they would be able to avoid repeating past mistakes, if their relationship would survive reality and their agitated lives. That was where they would finally find out if it was meant to be.
Fear of compromising, they realized, was no longer there. Smiled openly at one another as they realized it, as in a shared epiphany. All that was left now was the anticipation of an unknown future and the questions that only time would be able to answer.
xXxXx