DUVET: My song for Yamato A:link {color blue; TEXT-DECORATION: none} A:active {color purple; TEXT-DECORATION: underline} A:visited {color violet; TEXT-DECORATION: none} A:hover {color red; TEXT-DECORATION: none}

DUVET: My song for Yamato
By Foxyboy


Duvet by BOA from "Serial Experiments Lain"

This songfic takes place two years after Digimon 01 (I haven't seen the second series yet so I can't base anything from that.) and Taichi and Yamato are studying in the same school. This fanfic will be from Taichi's POV and might not be suitable for younger audiences... If you find Shonen-ai, random philospohical banter and WAFF disturbing, go away. There, now that I've said that, read the damn thing.

And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man

 * * * * *

It's already been how many years since we were forced to be together with one another in the Digi-world? Two years, I think... Two long years of being with someone that I never liked from day one... But where did it change? When did the lines between me and him begin to fade and vanish into nearly nothing? Well, more likely it's just my line. He hasn't change at all since then. I don't understand anymore the way my life's going... I mean, he's the person that I hated the most and now I'm worrying my head over the fact that I don't hate him anymore!

Yes, I did not hate him anymore. I didn't feel that same sense of contempt that I had for him back in the Digi-world... It was never the same after that time we were all separated from one another at Infinity mountain... And maybe I can never go back to the old me...

I don't hate Yamato anymore. I don't despise his cold and unfeeling personality...

No, I didn't hate him anymore... I'm hopelessly in love with him. But I've never told him! I don't know how to tell him! I know that he's still cold and unfeeling but I can't just give up on him! I know that I can change him! We may have our ifferences and we meay be so different yet I know that at some point in our travels, I connected with him. I saw something about him that not a lot of others had the privilege even to think of. A small glimpse of a soul. His soul. His tortured, crying and begging soul... A soul that can't do anything but wait for others to comfort it in any way they know of. I know that somehow, in some small way, I'll be able to make him see that the world held him in a special way.

That I held him in a very special way...

* * * * *

And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

* * * * *

But I'm afraid to tell him and I don't know why! I wasn't normally like this... I wasn't always the kind of person that would think before doing something. I was an impulsive little jerk, and I was so used to being like that already... It was routine and my routine was pretty comfortable. There was no reason to change it, something I'm used to, anyway.

Until Yamato came into my life.

Yes, it was all because of him that I have to feel this way. This uneasy quesiness in my gut everytime I see him look at me without that already trademarked scowl on his face. That strange feeling that I get an experience everytime he smiled, even if that smile was not meant for me. Urgh, that smile that only decorates his face once in a blue moon. My mind wasn't meant for anything like this thinking. Everyone said that you can't explain love, you can only experience it. Everyone also says that love is Gods gift to man and woman.

And now, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared to accept this fact. The fact that God's gift was give to me.

I was a guy that liked other guys... I knew that was wrong and I also knew that it was far from being considered as the norm.

Would people hate me for what I am? Of course they would! Society's jaws could crush even the most resilient of spirits! I don't want to think about it... I don't want to BELIEVE it! Why does the world have to be so damn cruel to everyone that doesn't conform to it's standards?

No... I'm just trying to hide my confusion by blaming it on the world... I should blame myself for letting this happen to me. Heh, my life could have been so easier if I were to stay normal. I could have taken the other road and have fallen in love with Sora... I could be with her right now, laughing it up with everyone else and enjoying life like every other teenager should.

However, until now I've never found the right answer to as to why I love a boy... Humans, the youth especially, go through countless moments of loneliness and longing for someone to hold onto. It's because there's a void inside, like something removed from your existence and how you want this void filled. The void needs to be filled and we don't have the time to be nitpicking as to what or who enters it first. It just so happened that the first person to enter this void of mine was a blonde, spiky-haired boy by the name of Yamato Ishida.

This void was irritating since it was a part of me. I was the one who wanted it filled by someone's love. I wanted someone to come into my life, hold me, kiss me, love me for all that I am.

And just a moment ago I was talking about Yamato in the same way. It just goes to prove that thinking wasn't my true calling.

But was it really possible? To choose what a persons heart desires? How ironic is it that our hearts have enough power to boggle the brain of the most brilliant scientist or mathematician. No one really has a say in matters like this, all we can do is sit in the sidelines and watch our lives turn into what we never wanted it to be, but yet feel so relaxed that it's this way.

I put my books back in my locker and try to smile when he goes to his. He doesn't smile back, but I don't mind. I never expected him to ever show affection in the first place, although it would be nice if he did... I close my locker and just glance at him...

I don't know anymore... I was so afraid of him. Every single muscle, every cell, every movement that he made was something that I held a certain fear of... Everything about him I was scared to like since I knew that it would simply be an inconvenience to him... That _I_ would be an inconvience and that my presence simply won't be needed. That's why...

That's why I try to leave it alone.

* * * * *

I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all...

* * * * *

And now I'm putting myself through a hell of sorts, call it stupidity or the simple lack of courage to confess my love. But whatever it is, it sure is a pretty damn shitty feeling...

Hasn't it become obvious yet? Are you that stupid, Yamato? There were so many times I held your hand, so many times when our bodies came so close to one anothers... There were so many uncountable times when I thought you'd get the point.

My heart races when our faces come close; When circumstance puts us in such compromising situations. My body sweats whenever you are in danger, whenever I know I can't be of any help to you. Whenever all I can do is watch as you hurt yourself or go through the pain that only you can see. What do you want me to do? Come up to your face and say "I LOVE YOU!"? I can't do that!

And now you ask why?... I can't answer that... I don't think anyone can...

I've fallen in love with you but we know that it's something that just can't be. I can't stay in love with a person and deny myself the right to love you...

No, I'm wrong yet again. I could have always told you how I felt... I just didn't want to be denied the right to be loved in return. I'm scared of you since I don't know what you're going to say...

* * * * *

And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share

 * * * * *


You look back at me with those calm blue eyes of yours and I can't help but stare at those beautiful pools of royal blue...

Perhaps... You knew already? Perhaps... You already understood the way I felt about you. Of course you knew! I'm so stupid, I should have guessed that from the start! You're not some typical braindead dumb blonde! You're Yamato; The intelligient, charming, musically gifted Yamato Ishida! I wouldn't have loved you if you weren't like that.

When people are in love, they normally don't notice everything else that goes on around them. Lovers can be such selfish people, seeing as that they only care about how they feel and not how the other one does. It's completely human to think of ones' self before others... And that's why people in love always end up hurt.

Love is a crazy and oftentimes pointless thing. And now I ask myself why so many fall into it's cold grip. Why do so many people confuse love with that sense of warmth that we get? Love is a selfish thing and we all know it...

But we all still try to deny it's actual existence. We all try valiantly to put the idea in our heads that love is a very gentle, compassionate and understanding emotion. Yes, if a truth exists only in the hallucinated minds of children, it's still a truth that exists. If I believe in one thing and you don't believe in it, it still exists as a belief, right? People oftentimes misinterpret love and put it in the shoes of infatuation; shoes that are so easily filled.

Unfortunately, I've fallen into the group that felt true and obsessive love. So obsessive that it could just kill me from the inside out.

You know how I feel, don't you? Then why don't you approach me with it? Why do you secretly laugh at me from behind closed doors? I ask you so many questions but none of them really leaves my mouth... or my mind.

I've kept them inside of me all along and now I expect you to answer a question that I never asked? You're no mindreader... I'm no true lover.

* * * * *

And you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

 * * * * *


We all have reason to feel love for someone and I am definitely no exception. But not everyopne has a reason to love us back. Sometimes, those three words that you say when you can't take the pressure anymore cause more trouble than they're worth saying. Finally, you get the courage to say it to them and then it turns out that the person doesn't feel the same way. Or even worse, the person becomes completely disgusted by your sudden emotional release and you end up hating both him and yourself for being honest to what you really feel. The human heart, soul and psyche are brittle and not easily repaired. That's why when lovers break up, they end up wishing that they were together again. I can't be any exception to this human fault, this inert yet inexplainable glitch of an otherwise perfect being.

Strange isn't it? Me, Taichi Yagami, self-proclaimed leader of the Digi-destined who fought against forces that threatened the very existence of humanity was now baffled by something that I don't even know of... Stranger still; I, Taichi Yagami, the one dubbed as a person who's thinking capacity was lower than that of an insect was now being so philosophical that it would put Plato to shame! Yes, love does many crazy things to it's unwilling victims. Cupid is a brash and ruthless god.

But you still haven't told me anything, have you? Not a word from your lips... Not a single word concerning my situation and how it's affected you... But it feels like you've already dictated your feelings so much that it feels like you've read me Homer's Odysseus over a hundred times. You know that I don't want to hurt you so maybe your silence explains it all.

You simply did not want to hurt me back.

Isn't that, in a way, a crack in your entire purpose of being what you are? Compassion, sympathy, and affection, even if it's shown only in microscopic and insignificant proportions, count as a form of love? You? Love me back? How strange and how unlike you... Change is welcome. Oh yes, change is welcome...

* * * * *

I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe...

* * * * *


Maybe one day... I dunno. Someday soon you'll realize that it doesn't hurt to love. Love has no side-effects and love can't be that bad. Yes, like everything, it does have it's good points, bad points and then some. But nevermind that, I know that you and I are meant for one another... Just you and me, no one else. And no matter how weird things get, no matter how big the gap is between Ishida and Yagami, no matter what our differences may be, you'll still be the Yamato that I loved, love right now and will love for as long as we live.

And you know I don't mean to hurt you... At least, I hope you do.

Until I muster the courage to tell you anything about the way I feel... I'll be singing this song in my head.

You're voice cuts in and rips apart my mental conversation with myself. "Taichi, have you ever watched Lain?" I laugh, perhaps a little too loud for my own good.

"Yes, I have watched Lain and yes, it is weird if that's what you're going to ask." If you asked me, the world of your typical teenager getting involved in this identity crisis was far weirder than anything that Iwakura Lain has ever come across. The questioning of God is nothing compare to the questioning of onesself. After all, we should come first before anyone else. God doesn't have any benefits when it comes to human hearts.

But for now, I'll keep quiet and laugh with you... I can hide a little longer...

-- ...For you don't seem to understand... --

: : owari : :

Ramble:

1) Eheh... I realized that the fic is strange, incoherent and just plain confusing. Just like LAIN! ^_^ Sorry if you didn't understand. Go watch Lain and let's see if that's easier to understand!

2) Any Constructive Criticisms? I know I suck at writing so I want you to help me! After all, How much could a little bit of your mentality cost?

3) It's an absolutely crappy ending, I know... Believe me, I know!

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