This sadly AU oneshot encapsulates what I felt about the "sacrifices" in chapter 613. And if it comes across as OOC, let me have as justification that Kishimoto already had to throw several personalities out of whack just to make that "sacrifice" work. So yeah, this is a deeply caustic mock fic. Just had to write another one.
I own nothing.
Shikaku grimaces as he listens to the report. That beast of Madara's has been lobbing attacks at targets long distances from the current battlefield, and hitting every one of them. He's trying to prove he can destroy anything while he has the Juubi under his power. He's trying to hold the world hostage and make us surrender.
Suddenly, Ao's voice rises above the thick silence. "This… This…" He sounds near-paralyzed with panic.
"What is it, Ao?" Inoichi demands, anxiety cutting through the sharp note in his voice.
Ao draws a deep breath, his visible eye shut. "Stay calm and listen to me—"
Shikaku cuts the Mist nin off before he can finish that sentence; there's only one reason why anyone ever uses the term 'stay calm.' "Headed our way, huh?"
After a long moment, Ao nods.
This is… Well, this is just perfect.
"Then we need to evacuate the base now!" Though Inoichi's shouting, his voice seems to come from far away. Lost in thought, Shikaku barely hears it, much the same as he barely hears the shaky retort of one of the other shinobi in the room, a young man whose name he never caught. And he absolutely does not hear the escalating argument these two are having, nor the way Inoichi's voice is steadily growing more strained and exasperated.
Though Nara Shikaku was and is a ruthless pragmatist, he will admit that even ruthless pragmatists can have utterly un-pragmatic dreams. His has always been thus: to go down in some blaze of glory. After having lived a somewhat mediocre, perfectly average life—a good life, he'll admit—Shikaku has always wanted to have one last moment to be unreasonable. This provides him with the perfect opportunity to die a heroic death. It would, after all, be the perfect contradiction: the eternal slacker gets to go out in some heroic blaze of glory, a victim of war, providing the motivation to spur those on the frontlines to fight harder…
"Shikaku." Finally, a voice, Inoichi's, cuts through the haze surrounding Shikaku's mind. "What do we do now?"
Inoichi can't see his smirk as he answers (That's probably for the best, considering what happens next). "We do what we have to, until the bitter end."
Inoichi interprets that exactly the way Shikaku intended him to: We're not going anywhere. We're going to sit on our hands here, and wait for the end. And though Shikaku couldn't have been aware of it when he said those words, this is the point where Inoichi has absolutely had enough. Shikaku doesn't realize Inoichi's gotten up until he feels one hand on his shoulder and another fist connecting with his jaw.
It all goes downhill from there.
-0-0-0-
"—NEVER KNOWN YOU TO BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE! THERE ARE CIVILIANS HERE, GODDAMMIT!"
Ao finds himself watching the display in front of him, bemusedly, when Mabui comes down the stairs to see what the racket's all about.
It's funny. Before now, Ao never would have guessed that Yamanaka Inoichi had such an explosive temper. Then again, hearing things like one of your friends tell you to throw your life away without even considering the possibility that you might be able to escape the blast radius of an attack that's heading your way is the sort of thing that can make even the calmest of men crack. Especially when such a stupid suggestion is coming from the mouth of Nara Shikaku, AKA the man whom no one would have ever to espouse something so deeply idiotic.
Long story short: Yamanaka Inoichi is all but foaming at the mouth, and Nara Shikaku looks uncharacteristically terrified.
"—HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT WE CRIPPLE THE ARMY BY DYING HERE?! WE COULD EASILY REGROUP AND REBUILD—"
Mabui, who, being the assistant of the Raikage, is used to such displays, frowns and looks to Ao for an answer. "Could you perhaps explain to me what's going on here, Ao-san?"
"You are aware that Uchiha Madara and his assistant have revived the Juubi, am I correct, Mabui-san?"
"Yes…"
"Well, the Juubi has aimed an attack here."
Mabui's green eyes widen. "What?!" she gasps hoarsely. "Why hasn't anyone given an evacuation notice yet?!"
"—THE FIRST PRIORITY OF A SHINOBI IS TO STAY ALIVE! WE ARE NOT SAMURAI!"
Ao nods to the two Leaf jonin before them, Inoichi still shouting himself hoarse, and Shikaku still looking deeply unnerved. "Nara-san didn't think that we should."
"Is he insane? There are civilians here!"
"Yamanaka-san agrees with you on that score."
Looking deeply shaken, Mabui turns on her finely-cobbled heel and heads right back up the stairs. "For Heaven's sake," she mutters as she goes. "Never in my life have I known such idiotic men. Even Raikage-sama wouldn't behave so—" The door slams shut behind her as she leaves the room.
A few minutes later…
"Attention to all personnel, both shinobi and civilian." Mabui makes a good announcer, Ao decides, as he listens to her remarkably calm voice crackle in over the intercom. "Headquarters has been targeted by an enemy attack. We do not at this time know when the attack will arrive. We do not know the attack's terminal velocity, nor do we know its blast radius. However, this is no reason to panic. We urge all personnel to vacate Headquarters immediately and make their escape up the northern road. Civilians will go on horses; shinobi, on foot. That is all."
"—YOU ABANDON YOUR FAMILY IF YOU WANT; I'M SEEING MY DAUGHTER AGAIN!"
Given that the evacuation notice has been officially sounded, Ao figures that he'd better break up the one-sided shout-fest. He puts one hand on Inoichi's shoulder, jerking him out of his fury, and the other hand on Shikaku's shoulder, the other man looking relieved to have Inoichi's attention focused on someone other than him. "Gentlemen, we have officially been given an order to evacuate Headquarters. Under such circumstances, I suggest we engage in the noble and time-honored shinobi art of running away."
-0-0-0-
About twenty minutes later, Ao, Mabui, Inoichi and Shikaku watch from a safe distance as Headquarters is destroyed. All are very much alive, Ao looking stoic (it would be an insult to his masculinity to appear otherwise), Mabui relieved (no one died as a result of the attack), Inoichi irritated (he still hasn't let go of Shikaku's idiocy), and Shikaku rather dejected (Having been robbed of his heroic end).
Perched primly on a tree stump, Mabui glares down at Shikaku, who's sprawled on the ground. "There, you see? Everyone lived. Everyone got out in time. There was no need for anyone to sacrifice themselves."
Shikaku doesn't answer.
"You'll have to forgive my friend," Inoichi says sourly. His voice is a bit hoarse from all the shouting he's been doing. "Shikaku is usually a sensible man, but when the chips are down he sometimes reveals himself to have a death wish. He also sometimes forgets that not everyone else around him shares this death wish."
Shikaku still doesn't say anything in his own defense. Yes, he's a bit disconsolate about having been denied the heroic death that he's craved ever since he made genin so long ago. But that's not the biggest thing that's making him look so glum.
Mostly, he's worried about how Yoshino's going to react when she finds out about what happened today.