"Are you sure Wesker lives here?" demanded Jill, frowning bemusedly at the massive mansion sprawled across the landscape before them.
Chris Redfield double checked the post-it note Wesker had scribbled his address on, and nodded. "Yes, this is it."
"It's in the middle of the woods," she hissed.
Chris shrugged. "I don't know. But this is the address."
Jill glanced over his shoulder. "There isn't an address written on there, Chris, in case you haven't noticed. It just says "Spencer Estate"."
"Yeah." He nodded his head at a shiny gold plaque in the middle of the stone walkway they stood on, which read "Spencer Estate".
Jill's frown deepened.
Rebecca shivered. "It's kinda creepy. You know, like some fun house you'd walk through on Halloween, where things jump out at you from around corners and the lights in the hallways are all black and red and you think there might be something about to rip your head off your--"
"Thank you, Becky," Barry cut in harshly.
"But how could he afford it?" continued Jill, heedless of both Rebecca and Barry. "I mean, I can barely afford to rent an apartment …!"
"He's the captain."
"But he can't make that much more than us!" She furrowed her eyebrows. "He'd better not! I mean, I work just as hard as him and I deserve--"
Chris rolled his eyes. "He does other stuff, I think. Or did, at any rate. Like, remember when they tried to put that name plaque on his office door but it wouldn't fit, because of all those letters after his name? So, he eventually just made them engrave a new one with just 'A. Wesker, Captain' on it?"
Jill nodded thoughtfully, pursing her lips. "What do you think did before he became the captain of S.T.A.R.S?"
Chris shrugged. "I think I saw MD. Or maybe PhD. Or was it both? And there might've been a 'U' or a 'V' in there somewhere."
The wind whistled through the trees eerily, and Rebecca shivered. Clamping her hands over her midsection, she shifted from foot to foot. "Can we just go in, please?"
Jill opened her mouth to answer, but Chris grabbed her arm tightly and led her up the walkway and onto the porch.
"What nice knockers," said Chris, eyeing the intricately carved bronze gargoyle heads that served as the device for knocking on the door.
Jill elbowed him as roughly as she could. Chris stumbled to the side and made a sound of pained surprise. "What was that for?" he demanded.
"You know what it was for," she said, reluctantly grabbing one of the gargoyle heads, lifting it up, and letting it fall back against the door. A resounding 'boom' echoed around them.
Chris frowned. "It--it was about the--the actual knockers," he stammered, motioning wildly at the gargoyle heads.
Jill rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Christopher."
"Um, Jill?" said Rebecca, glancing nervously over her shoulder.
"Don't call me Christopher," said Chris, irritated. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added: "Jillian."
"Jill?" repeated Rebecca.
"Jillian?" spat Jill. "I thought you promised to never lengthen my name! He did, didn't he, Barry? Barry?"
Barry's attention, however, wasn't focused on Jill and Chris's rather immature spat over names. He was currently staring in the same direction as Rebecca, whose voice was caught in her throat, along with a piercing shriek that her frozen muscles just couldn't form.
"Barry!" shouted Jill, spinning around. "Back me up here! I--Oh my god open the door!"
"What?" asked Chris, confusedly glancing over his shoulder. His gaze met several sets of unnaturally shining red and orange eyes, which were positioned over sets of sharp, canine teeth that glinted in the moonlight.
He stared at them for a horrified moment, before throwing himself against the door. "Wesker!" he shrieked, pounding on the entrance with his fists. "WESKER! OPEN THE DOOR!!"
Jill, meanwhile, was screaming, "Shoot them! Shoot them!"
"I don't have a gun!" Barry bellowed. "Goddamn it! I knew I should've brought my magnum!!"
"Why didn't you?!"
Barry shook his head incredulously. "I thought I was going to my boss's house for dinner! I didn't think that would constitute me being armed!" Picking up the closest thing he could get his hands on (a concrete flowerpot, as it was), he heaved it at the nearest dog. It slammed into it's muzzle, knocking it backwards (and covering it with dirt and what had only seconds previous been a rose plant).
"WESKER!! WESKER! THERE ARE MONSTER DOGS IN YOUR FRONT YARD!! WESKER!" Chris's voice was almost glass-breakingly high pitched, and he was hitting the door so hard it seemed more as though he was trying to break through it than knock.
The dogs were slowly advancing, and Jill was equally as panicked as the rest of them. Still, she had the presence of mind to try the simplest way to get the door open, without waiting for Wesker to open it:
The Handle.
As soon as she pressed down on it, the door's latch clicked, and it swung open, sending warm light pouring out onto the porch.
Rebecca finally screamed.
Jill glanced over her shoulder, and began to scream as well.
The dogs' flesh was hanging off of their bodies, in long, rotting chunks.
Horrified and disgusted, Jill mindlessly flung herself into the mansion, and Chris stumbled in after her. Barry roughly grabbed Rebecca's arm and led her up the stairs.
"Wait," she said, nervously glancing over her shoulder at the approaching Dobermans, "isn't this breaking and entering? I mean, we're just letting ourselves--"
"Would you rather be mauled by demon dogs?" Barry barked, shoving her through the doorway. "And besides, we were invited."
The front doors slammed closed and the dogs lunged, slamming up against the unyielding surface.
Rebecca stumbled backwards, away from the wild barking and growling, and tripped. She fell backwards onto a wide strip of thin red carpet, landing with a thunk.
Chris leaned back against the door, which was vibrating from the dogs' scratching. "What the--what the hell was that?"
"Maybe they had distemper, or rabies?" said Rebecca, frowning.
"Their skin was rotting away," stressed Jill, "and they weren't dead. Does that sound like rabies to you, Rebecca?"
Rebecca squeaked at the memory and shook her head.
Barry huffed and shifted from foot to foot. "I think there's something very wrong with--"
The four of them jumped at the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps from up above, and they looked to the balcony in time to see a blond haired woman smoothly jump over the railing. She landed gracefully on the ground and looked around the room.
She frowned.
"This isn't the mansion … Or, not the right one … But, the Hive is underneath it …" She caught sight of Rebecca, and raised her gun. "And who are you people?" she demanded. "Do you work for Umbrella, too?"
"Umbrella?" repeated Rebecca blankly. "You mean, the pharmaceutical company?"
"So, you know about it, then," she hissed, cocking her gun. Rebecca noticed that there were dried bloodstains on her red dress, and gulped.
"Well--well, I know a little about it. I mean, my cold medication was manufactured by them. But, I don't work for them. I work for S.T.A.R.S. You know, the Special Tactics and Rescue Service." She smiled, suddenly proud. "I'm the youngest member, you know. Captain Wesker handpicked me."
"Wesker," muttered the woman thoughtfully. "That name sounds vaguely familiar … But, of course, a lot of names sound vaguely familiar right now …"
They stared at her.
She shook herself out of her reverie. "Sorry. I'm going through a spell of amnesia. It's mostly worn off, but …"
"Alice!!"
The shout came from the balcony. A man landed roughly on the ground a moment later, and stumbled towards the woman in the dress.
"Why don't they just take the stairs?" muttered Jill. Chris shrugged.
"Matt!" shouted Alice, rushing forward and grabbing his arm. She propped him against her side and, seemingly having forgotten about the S.T.A.R.S members, helped him towards the front doors.
Jill winced. "You might not want to go out there. There are these--"
The doors flew open, sending Chris stumbling forward. Several men in biohazard suits rushed into the room, and after a rather lengthy struggle, subdued Alice. The front doors remained open, but the dogs seemed to have disappeared, and the porch was, oddly enough, tented.
Matt was moved onto a stretcher, and one of the men moved towards him.
"I want him in the Nemesis project," he said dramatically, as Matt was wheeled out of the mansion.
The men holding Alice dragged her out the doors as well, and they slammed closed, leaving a pregnant silence in their wake.
"What just happened?" Chris finally demanded.
Barry shook his head. "I have no idea."
A door creaked, and a voice rang out.
"Oh, don't mind them. They were in the wrong mansion."
"Captain Wesker!" shouted Rebecca, struggling to her feet. She dashed towards the man, who had just entered through a metal door that led off of the first landing of the staircase. "Wesker, there's something really weird going on here!" She hurried up the steps and stopped in front of him, practically vibrating.
The man's sunglasses revealed nothing regarding his emotions. "Hardly. They want the mansion next door. It's rather similar, but less developed, like a pale imitation. Not as well written, for sure. Instead of S.T.A.R.S. there's some Umbrella SWAT team and after all this time I still don't know who that 'Alice' woman is--"
"What are you talking about?" Jill cut in, blinking.
Wesker slowly began to descend the stairs, his black duster billowing out behind him dramatically, despite there being no breeze in the room. "Nothing."
"But--but those dogs!" exclaimed Rebecca wildly. "The rotting Dobermans!" She nodded frantically. Wesker stared at her.
"There were rotting Dobermans," she repeated, more quietly.
"As you said. They're the guard dogs. Clara and Hera and Zeke and Zeus."
"The guard dogs?" repeated Jill incredulously.
Wesker nodded. "They came with the place when I inherited it from …" He cleared his throat. "Uncle James."
Rebecca gulped. "But they were rotting," she breathed.
"Just the lighting," he said, grabbing her arm and leading her towards a set of double doors on the left side of the mansion. "The darkness makes them look odd, sometimes."
"I know what I saw!" Rebecca shrieked.
Wesker rolled his eyes, but no one saw because of the glasses. "Come on, Rebecca, Jill, Barry, Chris. I invited you over for dinner, and dinner we will have. I admit, things can get very … hectic … around here at times, but let's just enjoy the food."
With one hand, he pulled one of the doors open, and began to speak, but the opening of the front doors made him pause.
The men in biohazard suits were back, as were Alice and Matt, who seemed very confused.
"We just left here!" shouted Alice, struggling in futile to escape.
"Code 302," said the man who seemed to be the leader of the group. "Universe confusion."
The S.T.A.R.S. members stared as the men and their captives rapidly ascended the stairs and disappeared around the balcony.
Wesker was silent for a moment.
"Let's eat dinner!" he finally declared, shoving them into the next room.
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Author's Note: Ahem. I'm not too sure how funny this is, but my mother said it was cute so I thought "what the hell, why don't I inflict it on others?" If anyone actually cares about a timeline, this would obviously be pre RE1, but its a total parody so that doesn't really matter.
This was originally supposed to be a one shot, but apparently it didn't work out that way. In the next chapter, we'll meet Wesker's "life partner" (take a guess) and the team will see some zombies for the first time. And maybe some other stuff will happen, I haven't thought it out yet.
Anna