There are things, you realize, that you'll never know about Addison.
And then, there are the things about her that you never thought you would know.
Like, for example, how she preferred the bottom. You had always pictured Addison (because you always did picture her, with Derek inside you and stars and colors spinning before your eyes, you always saw her) as a vicious sex kitten. The red-heads, you thought, always were (even though you knew it was stereotypical, and Meredith Grey should be against stereotypes). And so when you seduced her (and you never knew that it would happen like that, but it did; you didn't get her drunk or catch her on the rebound, because Addison Montgomery was too classy for that), you decided right away that you would be on top, and, much to your surprise, Addison lacked any meaningful protests.
You liked it, you decided, because Derek would never let you be on top.
You liked a lot of things about Addison, you realized.
Because learning something new about Addison was like exploring a strange new territory. It was exhilarating and foreign and there was always something new: a new sound, a new sensation, a new feeling.
And so you tried hard, and gave it your all; like in med. school, you remembered everything and tried, always, to have the answer. She took her coffee with two creams and no sugar, and always drank at least five cups a day (with work) and two cups a day (without). She always slept on the right side of the bed, with her body curled to the inside, and always in a shirt and panties (because she didn't like the frilly little lingerie dress nightgowns, and pajama pants were too constricting). And she always set her alarm for 5:00 A.M, but pressed snooze until 5:30. Her hair was naturally red (and you didn't believe her the first time she told you, because seriously? It was way too perfect).
These little things of Addison's, these little habits, always made you smile when you discovered a new one. Because humans are habitual creatures, and you always pictured Addison as such a rebel, but she, too, had her cute little quirks.
Then there were the things you wished you hadn't learned, but knew you had to.
Like the first time you fought and you left (even though it was your house). It had been a big screaming match over something stupid that you couldn't remember, and you had gone to Joe's and gotten drunk on tequila shots. Somewhere between the shots and the blackness you had seen Christina arrive in a drunken haze and haul you into the back seat of her car. You had woken up on her and Burke's couch and left before they woke up, leaving their house intact (minus a couple ibuprofen and a coffee mug, which you forgot to return). When you had walked through the front door everything was quiet. Up the stairs quickly and silently, all seemed fine. Down the hallway, all was still. You opened your bedroom door braced for the silent treatment or an outburst, but what you found sent a stab of guilt straight through your heart.
Addison was curled on the floor with a throw-pillow, her cheeks stained with dirty tracks of charcoal-gray mascara.
You learned, from that awful night, two things: one) Addison had a chronic fear of abandonment. It was just, you realized, because the last time she had been in such a screaming match, Derek had left her, and so you were okay with her insecurities. Two) Addison could not, under any circumstances, fall asleep without your arm tucked just so around her waist. It's those little things, you thought; don't know what you've got till it's gone.
And so you kneeled at her side and kissed her, because 'I'm sorry' was too cliché. She had issued some non-committal noise from the back of her throat, and so you stroked her hair and kissed her harder, because you knew what you had, and there was no way you were losing it. And when she couldn't stay awake that day, even with six cups of coffee, you drove her home (and she didn't fall asleep in the car) and made her go to bed while you went downstairs to make yourself something for dinner (she wasn't hungry), and when you came back she still wasn't asleep. So you climbed in wordlessly and tucked your arm around her waist, and in seconds (though you didn't think it was possible), she was fast asleep.
You made it a point never to walk out again.