A/N- This was a random inspiration that came to mind. As lame as the TV show can be, I actually really like Secret Life of the American Teenager, and my best friend [coughMandacough] shed some light on a pairing I wasn't overly fond of at first. See, I totally ship Ricky/Amy, but I have this new love for Ricky/Adrienne, and with the current plot of the show with Adrienne losing hers and Ben's baby, I just needed to write this. Enjoy!
Adrian wasn't sure what had possessed her to pick up her phone and dial his number. Maybe it was the fact that Ben had decided he'd had enough, leaving her alone in the condo –she'd called him too many times to count when she'd been home alone, usually for a different reason than now. Maybe it was because of the conversations she'd had with Amy every time the younger girl had come over and tried to help her feel better –hearing about him had to make her want to talk to him right? She couldn't quite put her finger on the exact reason, and yet she held her phone at her ear, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks at any second, Ricky's quiet voice coming from the earpiece.
"He left you? Right now? It's two in the morning, you're… you're grieving and he just left?" Ricky was using that tone she recognized well, it was the one he'd always used when they fought. It was the one he'd used that day so long ago in the hallway at school when she'd told him that she'd slept with Ben to get back at him –something that now was probably the biggest mistake she'd made in her life.
Adrian nodded her head slowly despite the fact that Ricky couldn't actually see it, "Yeah. He just told me he couldn't do it anymore, and he left. I'm guessing he went back to his dad's house." She paused and sniffled, taking a moment to try and get a grip on the emotions bubbling up to the surface. "I knew it was going to happen. I knew as soon as we lost Mercy, he was going to leave me. I can't blame him, I'm a mess Ricky, I wouldn't want to be married to me either."
"Stop it. Stop talking down about yourself like that, none of what happened is your fault. It's neither one of your fault's, and you have every right to be upset, you lost a baby Adrian."
A quiet sob broke out from between her teeth and she brought her hand up to her mouth to try and muffle the sound of her crying. It wasn't that she'd never cried in front of him before, it was just that she'd shown so much vulnerability in the last couple months, to people she'd never expected to have to talk to or cry in front of, she certainly didn't want Ricky to be added to that list of people. He had his family, Amy and John, to think about. What with Amy having moved in with him and having his son around all the time, he had to be beyond happy, she didn't want to ruin that for him.
She'd lost a baby, that wasn't something that was just going to go away, but something about the way Ricky said it, or maybe it was just the fact that it was him saying it instead of anyone else that made it hit her so hard. Once upon a time, she'd been in love with him, some days she actually still believed she was. She'd created these ideas of them being together, maybe one day getting married and having a family of their own. She always knew that if that life was even remotely possible, she'd have to accept the fact that Amy would have to be part of his life too because of the son that the two of them had together –that was something she still hadn't entirely accepted. Even now, after dropping everything with Ricky and making her mistakes with Ben, some part of her mind could still see the life she and Ricky could have had together. That must have been why it hit her so hard, because she hadn't heard 'You lost a baby', her mind had conjured up 'You lost our baby.' That hurt much worse to think about.
What if she lost every baby she got pregnant with? How many times was she going to have to feel this way? It was so painful, knowing that she'd done everything she possibly could to take care of that baby while she'd been pregnant, and it still not being enough. People just expected her to move on, to let it go. How could you just let something like that go? It wasn't that easy. Not one person that had come over uninvited to talk to her could understand just how much pain she was feeling. Not one of those stupid people could even begin to help and numb that pain.
"Adrian…" Ricky's voice trailed off and he sighed, "I'm gonna come over there alright?"
Something inside of her blossomed with a warmth she hadn't felt in weeks.
"But.. what about Amy? It's late, are you sure?" she asked, trying to sound like she was trying to change his mind though she prayed he wouldn't.
"Amy and John are sleeping, and you shouldn't be alone right now. I'll be there in ten minutes." He said before hanging up.
She clicked the end button on her phone and set it down on the coffee table in front of where she sat on the couch. The fluorescent phone screen's lighting was the only light in the empty room, but it was enough to show the tissues all over the floor, the dirty plate, bowl, and cup as well as food wrappers scattered on the surface of the table. She reached over to turn on the lamp only so she could see enough to clean up a bit. Something told her that Ricky of all people really wouldn't care, but there was still some part of herself that was living in that 'I have to be better than everyone' mindset. She finished throwing all of her trash away and putting the dirty dishes in the sink, then shut the light off again, laying on her side on the couch with her knees brought up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. It was only a few minutes later when a quiet knock came at the door. Adrian stood up slowly, letting the too-long sleeves of the baggy sweatshirt she still wore sag down over her hands as she turned the doorknob.
Ricky's eyes met hers as she opened the door. For a moment they just stood there, looking at each other and not saying anything. He opened his mouth to speak, but she just stepped out of the doorway to let him into the condo before he got a word out. He walked in slowly and she closed the door behind him, staying there for a moment as he moved further into the living room. Now that he was here and she could actually look at him, it seemed harder to talk. At least over the phone she didn't have to see the look in his eyes when he looked at her, he didn't have to see her when she started crying again. When had she become this girl? When had she gone from the confident, sexy girl that walked the hallways, knowing that she may not have had everything, but at least she could have whoever she wanted in a heartbeat, to the vulnerable, shut off, and broken girl she was now? She knew the answer to that question, but she had to be stronger than this. She was, wasn't she?
She turned slowly, chewing nervously on the inside of her lip and folding her arms across her chest as she looked at him. He was looking at her too, from what she could tell in the dark. For a moment, she tried to think of what he looked like in the hospital the day she and everyone else had found out about the baby. She could imagine the shock, the sadness on his face. She thought about what it would have been like if the day John had been born, he'd gone through what she'd been through. Would he have been anything like she was now? What would he have done? She dug her teeth down into her bottom lip, feeling her eyes sting with the tears she'd become so familiar with as of late. He knew her too well, could read her like a book, because he saw that look on her face and immediately moved closer to her. The moment his arms wound around her, she was crying again. Had everything gotten to so bad a point that she cried when nothing was even said?
"Shhh, Adrian, it's okay." Ricky muttered softly.
He pulled her with him to sit down on the couch and she leaned against him as soon as they were seated. Her fingers clutched to the fabric of the front of his shirt, and her tears were soaking through it, but he didn't push her away or tell her to stop crying. He just held her close to him, occasionally rubbing up and down her back soothingly, muttering 'it's okay' every now and again. She shook her head against his chest.
"It's not okay." She sobbed. "I'm not okay, Ricky. I've lost everything. My baby, Ben. I have nothing."
She wasn't trying to get a pity party, she wasn't even sure why she'd said it. Typically it wasn't like her to admit to the things that had her upset, but then nothing about her life lately had been anything like she was used to. Ricky's hand touched her chin, grabbing onto it gently to turn her tear streaked face upward so that she was looking at him again. Their faces were close enough together that even with just the light coming from the streetlamp outside the window, she could see every detail of his face perfectly. He looked so concerned for her, something she didn't think he felt anymore.
"You've got me." He said quietly.
It almost made her feel at least a little bit better, if only it were true. She sniffled and shook her head out of his grip, her eyes averting to the floor. It didn't mean what she wanted it to. Having him there for her right now to tell her it was okay wasn't enough. Taking into consideration the fact that they'd barely even spoken to each other on good terms since she'd slept with Ben in the first place, she knew that the meaning of his words was far from what she wanted them to mean, and she hated it. She thought that she'd been over him. She thought that getting married to Ben and having his baby was a good thing. Even after the baby had been lost, she still thought she loved Ben and was going to spend the rest of her life with him. Now, sitting with Ricky in the living room of the empty condo that now belonged only to her, unbothered by the dramas of school or significant others or kids either one of had, she realized just how much she'd been lying to herself the whole time. She wiped at her eyes and sniffled again, preparing herself to put her walls back up, the way she always did. It was time for her to do what she did best, push him away before he was close enough to hurt her again. Just as she opened her mouth to tell him that she wasn't the one who had him, Amy was, he cut her off in a way she hadn't seen coming at all.
He kissed her. It'd been so long since she kissed him, and yet she could remember exactly how it felt. Most other times they'd kissed, it'd led straight to sex. There were very few times he'd kissed her just to kiss her, or just to show that he felt something other than want for her, but now it was different. Now she could feel how much he was trying to show her he cared by kissing her. His hand rested against her cheek, his lips were warm, familiar. She kissed him back hesitantly, gradually growing into kissing him back fully. A lump started to form in the back of her throat, thinking of what would happen as soon as it was over, but it didn't end as quickly as she thought it would. Ricky's hand moved around to the back of her neck to deepen the kiss, and for a moment she forgot everything. She forgot how upset she was about everything, she forgot that she was still technically married to Ben, she forgot that Amy was asleep in Ricky's bed at his apartment, because right now, he was kissing her and for the first time in weeks, she actually started to feel better.