A/N: Story takes place after Ember Island Players.
What Do You See When You Look at Me?
She had made her way along the craggy cliff side, her steps working cautiously in the pocked and worn rock that descended steeply towards the beach. She had no way of knowing where she was being led, only that instinct and a general sense of urgency was pulling her along whatever unseen force compelled her. It was unsettling how poignant this desperate need had become; and though she had no evidence that she would find him, she knew within the depths of her heart that his whereabouts were forthcoming.
It had been subtle really, sensing his spirit reaching out, calling to her as though only she could provide solace. She knew it as plainly as she knew waterbending was a part of her. Aang needed her, and she would answer.
Beginning with her nightly ritual of checking on his sleeping status, a tradition begun since the day he finally awoke from his coma, Katara found his bed unoccupied, and began an immediate search for her missing friend. It had begun delicately, the gentle rhythm within her heart that grew ever stronger the closer she came to reuniting with him. And when at last she emerged over the ridge, she found her query, seated on the sandy beach, his lithe body situated in the lotus position, yet his slumped shoulders and bowed head spoke desperately his lack the lace of peace in his mind and spirit that meditation often offered.
She cringed harshly at the silent torment he suffered, accepting the acknowledgment of her own part in his distress. She hadn't meant to hurt him. His confession tonight had come unexpectedly on the balcony of the theater, and before she had managed to consider her own feeling on the matter, his lips pressing gently against hers helped only to escalate her cautious uncertainty and send her running in fear. Even now…especially now upon seeing him, she felt immensely guilty for her reaction, but equally felt hurt that he would not give her the consideration to sort out her own feelings before forcing his desire onto her. How had it all come to this?
Knowing she had no recourse but to speak with him, try to sort the begrudging tug-o-war her emotions elicited, she moved cautiously towards his position, in spite of having no way of knowing what she would say. She wasn't ready for this; her thoughts, emotions, her need of duty as opposed to just her need and want conflicted within her as a storm of confusion, bitter and unyielding. But as she came around to stare at his face, her only emotion she experienced was her desperate need to comfort him.
Eyes closed tight against the tightening grip of emotions that warred within him, she wasn't sure whether the moisture that glistened his face was from the misting tide that crashed against the surf, tears that he could no longer contain, or a combination of both. "Aang?" she asked lightly, startling the young Avatar and revealing his preoccupied thoughts, for he would otherwise know she had approached him.
"Oh, uh, hi Katara," the young teen replied, swiping angrily at his eyes while turning his head shamefully away from the waterbender. Several moments of silence followed; Aang in his effort to compose himself and Katara who seemed unwilling to pressure him. When he was finally ready, Aang at last spoke, "What are you doing out here?"
Though his words were cautious, there was a bite of impatience, as though he was embarrassed that she witnessed him in such a state of distress. For her part, Katara took no offense and simply folded herself down to kneel beside him, her eyes softening at the strained expression staining his often-peaceful face. "I came looking for you," she said simply, resting her hand on his shoulder, only to have him move away from her touch. Though she took no offense at his initial tone, the obvious distance he wished to maintain between them stung, causing her to take a moment for herself to fight back the biting tears that burned the corners of her eyes. "I went to see if you were sleeping alright and when you weren't in your bed, I came looking for you. I guess I knew where to find you," she paused momentarily as her mind recalled all the times the Avatar went missing and all the times she located him. "I guess I've always known how to find you."
The last words came out as a mere whisper, and had she not been sitting beside him, Aang would have missed the musing tone of her words. But regardless, he was more interested in her intentions for seeking him out rather than her ability to find him when he didn't want to be found. "You were looking for me?" He asked incredulously, his eyes searching hers for some answer, some hope to cling to before he quickly averted his attention. She had that effect on him, and if he stared too long into her unflinchingly caring eyes, he'd find himself lost. "Why?"
Shrugging her shoulders slightly as she leaned back on her hands and stretched her legs out in front of her, she turned her own attention towards the rolling tide before continuing. "I'm always looking for you Aang. Ever since Azula almost…well, ever since she shot you with lightning and you finally woke up, I come to check on you in the middle of the night…just to make sure you're okay."
Aang stared at Katara with unflinching confusion. He seemed to border asking certain questions he wasn't quite willing to hear the answers to. But uncertainty and hope seemed intent on dancing across his features until at last he turned away to stare once more at the ocean. The confusion, the uncertainty and fear had never been a factor in their relationship before, no matter how it was defined, and Katara felt a renewed guilt at being the one responsible for implanting that trepidation.
"Aang," Katara said, her words coming softly, and though she had no way of knowing what she would say, she only knew she had to say something. "I really think that, maybe we should talk about what happened tonight…on the balcony," she said as an afterthought.
"That's not necessary Katara. Besides, I think you said all you needed to say," the young man spoke, his words coming hauntingly controlled as though willing himself into an ease he did not at all feel. However, moving to rise from his seat in determined retreat, his wrist was held tight by the beautiful young woman beside him, preventing his would be escape.
"No Aang, I-I didn't say all I wanted to and I think I left a lot of things out you needed to hear." Unsurprisingly, she felt the tug of his arm as he tried to break free, and felt marginally hopeful that it was, at best, a half-hearted attempt at freedom. Tugging lightly on his arm, a clear indication that she wanted him to return to his place beside her in the sand, she felt comforted even further as he grudgingly complied.
"Look," she said, her own frustration and fear spilling out as she combed her agitated fingers through her hair. "Aang, th-there is something happening between us. I acknowledge that. I acknowledge that our relationship is changing. But to what that is…I-I really have no way of know. Not yet."
When Aang moved to open his mouth, Katara held her hand up for silence. "Aang, before you say anything, before you make things more confusing for me by telling me what you think we have…"
"I know what we have Katara," the Avatar replied in agitated defense. "I've known it for a long time…"
"But I don't Aang, and I need to understand this for myself," Katara responded, her own eyes hopeful pools of pleading understanding that Aang would accept and respect her need to sort out these feeling on her own. "Can you give that to me Aang? Can you give me the time I need to sort through this on my own?"
The words struck the young airbender with a sense of irony that was lost on the beautiful young woman beside him. If he had the power, he would serve the world to her on a platter, end the war, bring lasting peace and stop Ozai all in one fell swoop. And he would do it neither for his duty nor the future of this world…he would do it all for her. And yet, time…that was the one gift he was afraid to surrender, terrified to give to her. Because in his heart always existed the little voice of doubt, ever reminding him, taunting him that waiting would not give him what he wanted, but tear away every dream he held. It always did. He needed only to remember the air temples and his people to be reminded of that.
Regardless, his willingness to bend to her request, acquiesce to her need to sort her feelings out for herself, without interruption and influence from him, was of primal importance to her. If anything, Katara deserved that much from him. Yet, even as he nodded his head in silent agreement, he could not help the dawning horror that he was putting all his hopes, his happiness in the hands of a woman who did not know how she felt. The grief and fear was a physical thing, and it drove a spike of insecurity through the middle of his suffering heart.
Katara however, recognized what the effort had cost him, and reached forward to lay a supporting hand on his shoulder, thankful that he did not shy away from her touch this time. "Aang, I'm sorry to make you wait, I just need to…sort everything out."
"Don't worry Katara," Aang said, his shoulders slumping slightly, not in grief or defeat but simple acceptance. "I waited a hundred years for you. I'll wait until your ready, or at least until you know."
The statement had startled the waterbender, her eyes shifting at the subtle clarification that this entire time, his time in the iceberg was simply a means to bring him to her. That it was fate and destiny that had brought them together. Rather than feeling pressured by whatever otherworldly forces manipulated her life, she seemed to understand Aang's reasoning for his devout feelings towards her, and in a way, she was humbled and subsequently charmed by it. Even if she could not put the feelings that were changing within her to words, she knew instinctively what they were. She simply hadn't reached that clarification yet.
Noting the stress still permeating from the young man, she furrowed her brow in question, hoping he was not still suffering from her hesitation. "So then, are we okay?"
Turning a half-glance in her direction, a sad smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he nodded his head. "Yeah Katara…we're okay." But still, something was distinctly troubling the airbender, and when she whispered his name, he turned fully towards her, revealing the storm of emotions swimming in his gray eyes that threatened to drown him.
"A-are you okay, Aang?"
Sighing in defeat, he ducked his head and closed his eyes; his shoulders slumping even further under the strain that threatened to crush him. For several moments, he took deep, meditative breaths in an effort to calm his nerves, and yet still, he felt himself losing his own battle. "No, I'm not alright Katara, I'm not alright at all." His words echoed tonelessly from his mouth as he refused to turn his attention to the waterbender. Before she could launch herself into a self-defensive diatribe regarding her need for certainty of her own feelings, Aang shook his head bitterly. "It's not you Katara. Honestly, my mistakes on the balcony tonight weren't even in my mind until you came to find me."
"What you said wasn't a mistake Aang, and I never want you to think it was," she said forcefully, her hand moving from his shoulder to cup his cheek and turn his face towards her. "Don't ever think what you said was wrong."
"Not what I said, what I did Katara," he said again, but made no move to remove himself from her fingers that felt warm and light against his shivering skin. "You were right, I should give you whatever time and space you need to sort this out for yourself…"
"No," Katara said again, forcing his eyes to connect to hers, the conviction spoken from her lips matched only by the determination in her eyes. "I don't need space Aang, just time to sort it out. That's all I need." Accepting her words and nodding his head in acceptance, Katara felt relieved that she had at least resolved that inner conflict. Yet still, the tangible grief and uncertainty masking his often gentile features was heart rending, and if for not other reason than his own peace of mind, she would wait as long as needed until he unburdened himself with whatever distressed his mind so completely.
Feeling it best to provide as much comfort and support as she could, and knowing embracing him to lessen his hurt was not the best approach, Katara placed her hands on either shoulder and pulled Aang towards her. Fully expecting to be taken in her arms, Aang let himself be guided towards her, only to be surprised when she lowered him completely to the ground, his head resting in her lap. Sparing a look of confused uncertainty to the waterbender, Katara shook her head and turned his head back to stare out at the ocean. Her hand began rhythmically gliding the backs of her fingers along the subtle curve of his cheek and jaw line, stroking his face in gentle contentment as he closed his eyes in unburdened comfort.
For several moments they remained this way, Aang's head resting in Katara's lap while she soothed the angel-soft skin of his face with her fingers, her eyes never leaving his face as she concentrated on her fixated ministrations. His breathing seemed calmed by her presence and attention, and for a while she wondered if he hadn't at last found pace in sleep until he spoke softly, "That play was really awful, wasn't it?"
Though elicited in a casual tone, Katara suspected this was at the source of his worries. She had suspected this regardless, but for different reasons, and for a moment she was going to again expound on her declaration that the actress on stage did not speak for her, until remembering his earlier comments that he had not given it a thought until she came to accompany him. Swallowing her building tirade and recognizing it as unnecessary, Katara answered, "Yeah, it was a really horrible play."
Again, the silence stretched between the two as Katara felt his body stiffen, several uncertain breaths escaping his lips before continuing. "Did you see them? The people in the audience?" He paused, his words strangling on the building grief that threatened the shatter what little resolve he had built. "They cheered at the end of the play…they were even happy to see me…to see me die…" The final words escaped as little more than a bare whisper, his voice breaking at the declaration, and if not for his lips moving against the fabric of her skirt, she might have not known he'd spoken at all.
But Katara did not need to hear the words to understand what was being said. Here it was, the source of all of Aang's anguish and pain, and the thought that he suffered such unrelenting fear constricted her heart and tightened her throat until she could barely find the will to breath. It seemed unfair, that here was a young man who had done nothing but give of himself to make others lives happy and meaningful, only to be met with the bitter reality that somewhere, someone would always despise his efforts. It was one thing for soldiers and politicians of the Fire Nation, but these were citizens; people whose lives would be better without Ozai as Firelord. And yet they were clamoring to seem the one symbol of peace snuffed out by their own tyrannical despot. There seemed to be no justice in the world.
As Katara continued to look at Aang, her soothing fingers never ceasing their rhythm, her eyes clouded, and a few fat drops fell from her cheek before she was able to pull her emotions under control. The minutes again stretched between them, the tide rolling further onto the beach before receding, an appropriate metaphor for the unsettling emotions within the young airbender. "Katara? What am I?"
Furrowing her brow in confusion, she tilted her head slightly while moving her hand to cup his chin and turn his face towards her. "I'm not sure what you mean Aang?"
At the simple question, a deep, quivering breath escaped the young man's lips as he deflated slightly in release of the building strain he felt. "It's nothing, its just…well, everyone in that play, they treated me like the Avatar. The crowd, they cheered for the death of the Avatar, but they didn't seem to notice that I'm just a thirteen-year-old kid. Do they hate me so much that they'd really cheer for a child's death? I know that I should be disgusted over them wishing me dead, but at the same time, I'm confused that they can't separate me from this image they have of the Avatar. And I'm not sure how to make them see that distinction."
As Aang rolled to his back so that he could fully gaze into Katara's eyes, he waited patiently for her to help resolve this distressful anxiety that he wasn't quite sure how to put into words. For her part, Katara looked pointedly into his eyes and did not shy away from the intensity she found there within. Her fingers again resting against his cheek in comfort, she shook her head slightly. "The Avatar is only what you can do Aang, it's not who you are. It's you…personally you, who define how others see you. You have to remember that in your heart, you possess the distinction between right and wrong. It's come with everything you've lost, and everything you've gained," she said, the last part coming quietly as though unveiling more than her words intended. When she looked again at her best friend, his eyes swam with not acceptance, but only more questions.
"How do you see me Katara?"
The question caused a sudden uneasiness in her stomach as she shied away from the passionate desperation for his validation. She wasn't entirely sure what direction his question had intended to lead her, but she knew well enough, that though the open-ended inquiry could well lead to trapping he once more into uncertain waters, she trusted Aang enough to know, he would honor his promise to allow her to sort out her feelings for herself.
Thinking quietly before continuing, Katara smiled slightly, "You're an unquestionable authority in this world Aang, you're the most powerful being on the planet, and your word is law in every corner of the earth. That's how the world views you, but that's not who you are.
"You're an unshakably moral and compassionate young man who puts the needs of others ahead of your own, whether its what others feel is right or not. I still remember Zuko trapped you in the North Pole and you refused to let him freeze despite our arguments. That's just one of a hundred examples I can think of off the top of my head. But more than that Aang, your unquestionably loyal, despite the underlining fear that you'll be left alone. I know that worries you," Katara said, shaking her head to stave off his coming rebuttal, "And despite by best efforts, I haven't resolved that issue with you. That's my failing, but I promise that you won't have to be afraid of being alone anymore.
"You have a heart as big as the entire world, and there's no limit to how willing you are to forgive those who don't deserve it. You fear, laugh, cry, endure, and…love…more than anyone I've ever met," Her declaration hitching slightly at the single word that seemed to bond them both, despite their uncertainty. "And when it all comes down to it, it's not your power or your authority, not your wisdom or your wrath that will bridge the nations and build a lasting peace. It's your compassion that will lead others to follow you. That's what defines you Aang."
As she fell silent, the pair shared a meaningful look through shimmering eyes that brimmed with unshed tears. The emotion reflecting between Aang and Katara in that simple, unremitting connection was boundless and unyielding, and immortalized the bond they celebrated with each other. Moving his hand to caress Katara's face, his thumb wiping away the unshed tears, Aang asked in confirmation, "Do you really see me that way?"
"Yes, I do Aang…"
"Saying things like that, it makes me wonder if I can live up to your expectations."
Smiling slightly as she moved her hand to lay over his that rested against her cheek, she pressed the warmth of his palm against her, her eyes closing in silent pleasure at the feel of his hand against her. She was only slightly aware, and even less alarmed that her confusion, her uncertainty about her feelings for Aang seemed to drift away and not matter so much at all. In truth, she wondered if they ever truly mattered, but that was neither here nor there. The young man lying against her lap, staring with intent innocence and hope was all that really mattered. "Aang," she said slowly, her eyes reflecting all the unsaid things she was too afraid to voice, "You could never, not live up to my expectations. You do it every day."
-End