Diva Takes a Day
Co-written with Venus Raya LeBeau and planet p
Disclaimer: We don't own it. Like we'd ever.
One day the Doctor went in Time with this girl called Tony. Tony had one eye and her hair was brown with dreadlocks.
They went to 9999 where they landed on Earth.
Tony was wearing a blue dress with her hair up in a bun when she stepped out of the TARDIS, then the Doctor got out in his usual blue suit. (Their clothes were in matching colours.)
"Well let's go," the Doctor said.
"It's not like I'm going to stick around doing nothing but playing thumb wars," Tony replied sarcastically. She marched away from the TARDIS boldly and didn't notice there was nothing in front of her.
The Doctor caught her while she was looking down into the deep internal darkness of the nothingness.
"Get your paws off me, alien freak!" Tony yelped.
"What are you?" the Doctor asked, then, "Well, if you would rather I let you go..."
"Wait, wait, pause for the minute - you came to my planet, that means you're the alien!" Tony explained. "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not used to people lending a helping hand, Mr. Alien."
"For the second time, I'm not an alien, and I'm also the one who saved your bacon, right-o."
"I was fine where I was, actually," Tony protested, "I had it all under control, thank you."
"Escaped slave, running from the law - you call that under control, Tone?"
"Don't call me Tone," she snapped. "My name is Tony or ToTo."
"Okey dokey, Toes."
"You and your smart mouth are beginning to make me wonder why I even accepted your offer of a 'ride' in the first place, Dr. McAlien," Tony replied.
"It's just the Doctor, thanking you," the Doctor responded, chipper.
"Okey donkey!"
"Actually, that's 'dokey'."
"Do you want me to pokey you in the army with my sharpy fingernaily?" she snapped.
The Doctor turned away and began walking away in a snoot.
She walked behind him with his glasses, wondering when he was going to turn back and ask for them.
He walked past his TARDIS and snapped his fingers and the doors closed.
Tony got the fright of her life. What was this alien, some sort of magic man?
They walked to a settlement which appeared encouragingly to have shops, at least, the sight of them encouraged Tony, who was a bit of a shopaholic, despite having been a slave for most of her teenage and subsequent adult years.
The shop's name was Buy It Now Or Buy It Never.
"Let's check it out, do!" Tony cried.
"Ahhh, let's like - nah!"
Tony's face turned red and she yanked on his ear, resulting in a high pitched squeal of surprise and pain.
"I'm actually in the market for a bus stop," he yowled, through the pain in his ear, which Tony had since let go of and fled into the store, recovering shopaholic be damned.
When she came out her arms were heavy by fifteen bags; the Doctor made a face. Really! Shopaholics!
A little dog ran past between their feet, nearly tripping Tony and the fifteen bags, which she had since decided to offload onto the Doctor, as they were getting heavy and really did little for her image, if any boys had happened to be looking, that was.
After Tony dropped the bags onto the Doctor, he took them to the TARDIS and returned to the town, where Tony was waiting on a bench. "This means I'm staying, then, I presume?" she asked, jumping to her high heeled feet.
"Argh, what?" the Doctor cried.
"Shouldn't that have been 'ah' as in 'uh-ha' not 'argh' as in 'Help! Please! Anybody!'" Tony asked.
"I've just stolen your goods, Miss," the Doctor admitted.
"Daft alien men," Tony replied. "Of course, we'll have great, wondrous adventures together," she decided.
"Oh, we will?" the Doctor asked, walking after her as she strutted away from the bench.
"Yes, in fact, because I am a diva!" Tony declared, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
The Doctor wanted to see if there was a zoo of some sort where he could pull some animal liberationist stint and have Tony arrested for the effort - and be rid of her - or just have a cuppa and a bit o' cake in the cafeteria, maybe pick up a teddy in the gift shop, yeah.
He was liking the cuppa idea more and more as the moments ticked by, marked by Tony's incessant clackety-clickety heels on the pavement.
Tony was thinking about getting one of those miniature lizards with the diamond studded scales to fit snugly in her shoulder purse - she was, after all, a diva. Though, she wondered if she'd be allowed into any stores with a pet. "Doctor," she said, "let's have us a looksie at one of those pet store what's-its."
The Doctor froze and wheeled on the spot, but, no less than ten minutes later, Tony was the proud mother of a gold-furred monkey with a fetish for GothLoli clothes, apparently. (Tony didn't trust the cashier, especially since the monkey was in fact, according to the Doctor, a male monkey.)
She decided to buy him some new clothes to get him out of the petticoated dress he was in, and get him something rapster to go with her popstar divadom, leaving the monkey with the Doctor, who now looked positively miffed and was having his hair combed by the monkey who was yet to be named.
Later, with her monkey friend's new clothes in hand, and considerably less credit on the Doctor's credit card, Tony decided that he'd be named Angus.
After she named the monkey, she went into another shop and bought the Doctor something nice - a Caff-Pow and a Care Bear 9000, with 90 life-like phrases targeted for the mechanically minded which was sure to cheer him up.
Unfortunately, though, after much wondering, and Angus finishing off the Caff-Pow, it was discovered that the zoo was in fact closed for renovations and it was a return trip to the TARDIS that they had to look forward to.
They returned to the TARDIS and the Doctor slinked off to his room to contend with the annoying Care Bear thing; meanwhile, Tony took Angus to the aviary she'd discovered on her first night in the TARDIS, and found him a nice green plant to rest in.
After seven months in Space and Time the Doctor found himself harbouring a tentative bone of fondness for the sometimes cranky diva, Tony, and even a little bit of a soft spot for her monkey friend, Angus.
One day, visiting a fair on one of those exciting but after a few hours annoying, then a few more hours, migraine inducing festival planets, the Doctor learned that both he and Tony shared a common lifeline, which was pretty freaky, even for the Doctor.
Angus was busy popping balloons whilst Tony was chatting to the man behind the counter of the stall. The Doctor walked over, eyeing Angus suspiciously as he tried to pocket something he'd not won, and stood next to the monkey, staring at Tony and the stall man.
It was a couple of moments later that he realised that he was, actually, jealous. Then he promptly stormed away. Silly, really! It wasn't even like he even really liked ToTo, was it?
He laughed. Not likely!
But then he realised that it was true: He liked Tony a lot.
Angus was confused. Tony didn't realise what the Doctor didn't realise which was that she liked him and he liked her; they both liked each other in essence. But, then, nobody had ever said it was easy or comfortable being a caffeine-addicted, psychic monkey, had they?
The good thing was that he got to pop balloons, and maybe he'd even win himself a toy girl monkey.
The next day, the Doctor put a bed underneath a plant in Tony's bedroom so Angus could sleep in Tony's room instead of the aviary, well, really, Tony had asked him to do so in case she ever got worried that aliens were attacking then Angus could be there to fend them off.
Angus doubted he'd be doing much fending off really; he wasn't an attack monkey, he was pretty much just a regular, down-to-Earth, psychic monkey. Still, he hadn't learnt the human language and the TARDIS didn't seem to be able to translate Monkey.
A couple of months later, while on the run from bows and arrows and stopping at a pet shop on the way - the bows and arrows were part of some local festival - the Doctor decided to find a friend for Angus who he would be able to communicate with.
The only monkey they had was a green-feathered thing, but it was a girl, which, Tony declared loudly, was excellent.
The Doctor just hoped that the monkeys didn't infest his TARDIS with baby feathered monkeys, or else he would have to find them a planet for themselves and their monkey offspring, maybe with some other monkeys too.
Tony bought the girl monkey a tiara studded with blue crystals, to go with her blue eyes.
When Angus saw the girl monkey running into the TARDIS, he leapt for joy and the two monkeys began playing.
The Doctor suggested that the girl monkey should be named Destiny, and the monkeys, and the Doctor and Tony continued to travel in Space and Time for a long, long time.
Thanks for reading, people!