Sometimes, I am almost able to forget.
Between the music and laughs I feel oddly comfortable.
It is true I hadn't done anything for my birthday in a while. I suppose my hate for routine makes the idle chatter and the simple music to seem a lot more meaningful to the whole scheme of my life.
Obviously, they aren't really.
Honestly, they never have been.
When I was younger, this day was no different from any other. No one at home in the morning and all the demons loose at night.
Typical night for the Manjoume family.
Heh, such a common phrase. What is a family anyways? I haven't fooled myself into thinking we were ever one. The whole world seemed to think differently though.
My head has started pounding. How can they even talk when the music is so loud and repetitive? I suppose their conversation must be quite mundane, as usual. They must have stopped listening to each other a long time ago.
Sadly, I still do. I hear every detail, even the most worthless thing. I have found myself unable to completely shut myself in certain situations. Usually, when I need it the most.

In my defense I must say old habits die hard. All the time listening for their footsteps approaching. For their yelling in the halls.
Oh yes, the art of survival requires the most detailed attention to your surroundings, no matter how lost you are inside yourself.
In any case, they always shook me out of it. Harsh words that after a while were what became one of the most important things about myself.
I have always said you don't really know yourself until you hate you.
A hand grabs my shoulder. I don't even need to think about practically the only person who would defy my perfectly set personal boundaries.
"Manjoume, you okay? You don't seem to be enjoying your own party man."
Heh, he was genuinely concerned. It still surprised me, the made up relationship Juudai Yuki had with me.
We both knew we could never be, for lack of a deeper word, "friends"
They did teach me certain things, if you can call the concepts they made sure were drilled into my brain teaching.
You can't befriend someone who aims to the same goal as you. You will soften and loose.
Loosing had never been an option.

Still, I had to mantain our relationship as he thought it was. It might be useful.
"At your repeated concern the past weeks, I had always answered negatively to you people making a party for me. You still did it. I don't see how I could enjoy something forced upon me."
He pouted and looked at me sadly.
"But your birthday is an special day. We couldn't leave you alone for it."
I merely rolled my eyes. I had chosen loneliness. I spent my time away from everyone. Obviously, someone still hadn't gotten it.
It was better this way, I guessed.
I was tired of pretending to be nice and then stab people in the back.
They made me do it far too many times.
A six year old? How much harm could he do?
I was so naïve..
Juudai gave up and returned with his pesky friends.
A party. For a day I should have for myself. Fucking great.
I took a glass of water and stood next to the farthest wall from the dancing floor.
At least it was more alive than usual around here..

Asuka was the last person to leave. She blowed a kiss at me and exited my room.
I sighed as I made my way for yet another glass of water. Finally over.
"Hey Manjoume."
Fuck, apparently not.
I turned around to see a smiling Juudai in the door frame.
"Yes?" I tried to sound uninterested but my anger had started boiling up.
He ran towards me and in those spontaneus gestures of him, he hugged me.
"Happy birthday."
I was frozen and I felt a knot in my throat yet I managed to reply sarcastically
"What's so happy about it?"
He pulled away and looked at me, genuinely concerned yet quickly looking happy again.
"Well that you were born and are now with us of course!"
And with a small goodbye he was gone. Left me standing in complete confusion at the center of my room.
/"We don't need you. We never did."/
/"You won by a small difference. You are a disgrace to us."/
I don't remember much after that except that I managed to sleep properly, which I hadn't done in years.
But of course they wanted me and needed me. Who wouldn't?
I will have to change my strategies towards Juudai.
Him enjoying my company might make him soft.
Not that I could ever fall into that. I was too important.