Everyone expects it to work out, in the end, that's what everyone expects.
Even you.
Even me.
But after Carmen, it is some other girl. And after her, it is college. And I keep you at arm's length – not able to toss you away, for you mean too much… you mean too much to me...
But I keep you away, as punishment and as a test toward myself.
And I keep you from me for so long that it becomes a habit no one can break.
Not even you.
Not even me.
*
When I look at you, I see him.
And it is that – his touch upon your cheek and that video I had to watch and the way he held you as the music played and the words you just couldn't say – it is those things that hold my heart captive.
And it is Europe. And it is seeing you get off his motorcycle. And it is your calls from a bed that I am sure you are not alone in.
I keep you at arm's length because I have to. I have to get some of my own back after you put a whole ocean between us. I have to cut you out of my system… before you kill me.
*
And they stare at me like I am hurting you, calling you 'friend' when we are anything but.
But they know you made this mess we are in.
And they are learning that I am not here to clean it up – I am making a mess all my own.
I keep you at arm's length.
And I walk away when the rest of my body cries to stay, I run away when my feet want to find you, I turn away when my eyes want to see you, I hold onto anyone else when it is you I want to embrace…
I remember seeing you in his arms. I remember your inability to speak. I remember calls going unanswered for weeks and weeks.
I remember everything I wish I could forget.
*
Everyone expects it to work out… in the end.
And you are close enough to take back, but still far enough away to lose sight of – and I keep you there, on tenterhooks.
Until I can forget how you hurt me.
Or until I can forget that I still love you.
*
::END::