Have you ever felt like you screwed up so royally that nothing will ever fix it? That's how Kris felt. Telling Junior about her and Matt had been the hardest thing she ever had to do, but she didn't see any other choice. She messed up bad.
Obviously she was getting really good at lying. That worried her.
"It's going to be okay Kris," Matt whispers into her ear. She's leaning back into him and he's holding her tight. "He'll be okay."
No he won't. The look on Junior's face hurt so badly. Then she remembered Gillian's face and the guilt ate at her. She slowly pulled away from Matt.
"I need… a few minutes. I'll meet you up at the house so we can look on the internet, okay?" she didn't wait for his response, just started walking to Wildfire's stall.
Matt looked at her retreating back, questions and doubts clouding his mind. He headed up to the house to begin without her.
"Hey, Wildfire, you did well today. You always do so well. You're the best horse, you know that?" Tears clogged her throat. She had to stop talking. She wrapped her arms around his strong neck and held on tight.
"I knew it was wrong, but I just love you so much Wildfire. I would do anything to keep you safe and with me."
Unbidden, memories came back to her of that day a year and a half ago.
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"I need your help," she admitted desperately to Junior.
He quirked an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.
"Jean entered Wildfire into a claiming race. I need to make sure he goes some place safe. Please, will you put a claim in on him?" She was close to tears.
He looked at her considering.
"Of course."
Her eyes widened and her face lit up and she smiled, "Really?"
"Sure. You just have to go out with me." He smiled at her.
She stopped smiling.
"So… if I go out with you, you'll put a claim in on Wildfire." She wanted to make sure she understood correctly.
"Yes."
She stood for a moment considering.
"C'mon, we all walk away happy plus you get to wake up next to a charming, handsome—" she interrupts him.
"Wake up next to? You mean you want me to…" she looked anything but happy.
"Well, yeah. See, you get what you want, and I get what I want. It's a win-win for everyone." He waited for her response.
She began to glare at him. She hated herself for even considering this. She remembered everything that had happened with Wildfire and she knew she couldn't allow anything to happen to him.
"Alright." She said.
"Alright?" He questioned, looking almost surprised.
"Pick me up at eight," she muttered before turning and walking away.
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It had been an uncomfortable evening to say the least, but Junior really came through in the end. He knew she didn't really want to have sex with him, so he didn't make her. He still put the claim in on Wildfire though. That was the day that her eyes were truly open to him. She swept aside all her preconceived notions about him. He wasn't like any of the other guys in her past.
Their relationship had moved on from there. What started out so wrong became so right. Their first time together was so beautiful. He made her feel so cherished. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing she had ever done. She knew by then that she loved him. She also knew that things had moved along too quickly and she needed time. She kept putting him off though she slipped a couple months later.
The night Flame was conceived was etched in her mind. Flame served as a living reminder of their love. She told him that sleeping together that night was a mistake but she was lying more to herself than to him. She just couldn't deal with the feelings. She was scared.
So they both moved on: him to Rebecca, and her to Kerry. Everything was awkward but they were doing okay with being friends. Then she told him she was leaving for Europe and wouldn't be back for two years. The decision to leave was something she struggled with but she really thought she'd be doing something good.
She had been deluding herself. She didn't want to go, but she wanted to stay with Kerry because he was safe whereas Junior was scary.
Then Junior told her he loved her.
The moment and place in time was so perfect. He couldn't have done it better. And with those words she knew she couldn't hold back anymore. She wanted to be with him, now more than ever.
She should have known something crazy would divide them. She put him off once again when the news of Kerry's crash devastated her. Then Kerry's betrayal came to light.
She worked so hard to help the Ritters. She had hurt her family so badly, she needed to do everything she could to help them. She decided to do the one thing that she knew Junior might not be able to forgive her for. She told him she was selling Flame.
He didn't take it well.
Over the following months, they reached a good place where they were friendly and close. So many times they almost kissed but held off. Then he was leaving. He wanted to try bull riding. She was so proud of him for pursuing something he loved. It hurt to act like she didn't care that he would be gone so much, but she couldn't hold him back.
Everything was at a standstill, then news came that rocked her world.
The Ritters were going to sell Wildfire.
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"That's where everything went so wrong," she whispered to Wildfire. "It just felt like I'd gone around this big circle and ended up right where I started. I needed you in my life. I had already done almost anything for you. I wasn't sure if I could do it; I still can't believe I did it."
Pausing, she pushed the hair out of her eyes and began to brush Wildfire's mane.
"You have changed my life so much Wildfire. Without you, I don't know where I'd be but I know it wouldn't be good."
She finished brushing him down and once again held him. He was being so good. He didn't even fidget. It was like he knew she needed him right now. Like he understood how much she had sacrificed for him.
Family had always been so important to her. She was so protective of the Ritters, but the truth of the matter was that Wildfire was the most important thing in the world to her. For him, she would betray the Ritters.
And she had…in the worst way imaginable.
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There was a knock at the door. She answered and was angry to see Matt.
"Kris, we need to talk. I know you're upset—"
"Upset? You used to think with your gut and now all you think about is money! What am I supposed to feel?" She loudly whispered. Both of them were trying to keep their voices down so they didn't disturb Jean or Todd.
"That's not… Kris, I have to do what's right for the ranch!"
"That's not right and you know it and," she looked around, knowing they were probably getting too loud. "Just get in here." She got out of the way so he could come into the room.
Their fight continued and then he mentioned the "thing" happening between them. She had noticed something alright, but it was more her noticing him noticing her. She had kissed Matt accidentally on the track before. She meant to hit his cheek when she jumped, but connected with his mouth instead. She tried to pull back, but he slipped off the railing and continued the kiss. She had been flustered, but put it out of her mind. She had hoped he would too.
Their fight came to a pause and he was staring into her eyes. His eyes slipped down and he glanced at her lips before looking back into her eyes. She knew what was going to happen even before he kissed her. The kiss was hot, to say the least, but she knew she couldn't let it continue.
She pulled back from him and just stared. He stared at her, almost in shock, not knowing what to do now. His eyes were filled with desire for her.
In the next heartbeat she knew what she had to do. It was a choice she had made before. She was going to have sex with Matt. He wanted her and she wanted him to change his mind about selling Wildfire.
Forgetting about Gillian and Junior and even the friendship she had with Matt, she closed the distance between them and kissed him again. This time she pushed him backwards towards the bed. They fell with her straddling him, still kissing. She pulled back long enough for them to start removing their clothes.
Sex with Matt had been okay. He was so giving. She kept forcing away any thoughts trying to come through and focused on pleasing him. The only time she lost focus was when he entered her. She thought to herself, what am I doing? She had to fight hard to push those thoughts away. Focusing on wrapping her legs around his hips and meeting each of his thrusts helped her. She felt some pleasure building in her—later she would hate herself for feeling it—she knew she had to give this to him though. He really wanted this. He wanted to please her. She let her body go, pushing her hips up, feeling his body against hers. Finally she let loose and found her peak. Once he knew she was there, he followed her.
He was still lying on top of her a few minutes later; both of them had caught their breath. Eventually he rolled off and laid next to her. Both of them were silent. Neither of them knew what to say. She was trying hard to keep things together until he left. Thoughts of Junior and Gillian were racing through her mind; she knew he must be thinking the same thing.
She turned her head to face him and he turned to face her. They stared into each other eyes for a long moment. His seemed to be almost questioning her. She nodded slightly and turned to look back at the ceiling. She didn't say anything as he got out of bed. She couldn't find one word to say to him while he put his clothes back on. As soon as the door shut behind him, she felt the sobs building and she began to cry.
She found out two days later that Matt changed his mind about selling Wildfire. She thought the worst was over. She was sadly mistaken.
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"How could I know Wildfire? How could I know everything would get messed up so royally?" she asked the horse that would never answer her.
Matt broke up with Gillian a week later. She had witnessed Gillian walking out. She didn't know why until later that day. It was the worst day of her life.
How could she tell Matt what she had done? She never thought Matt would breakup with Gillian. She thought they could just go on like nothing had happened. Now Matt had changed his life for her.
She ended up not telling him. She let him go on believing that she had the same feelings as him. She just held him off by saying she needed time. She tried to have a talk with Gillian later hoping to smooth things over. Gillian had been a good friend to her. She ended up feeling even worse though, especially when Gillian asked what Junior was going to be told.
She had a conversation with Junior later that day. He was talking about trying to re-qualify for the rodeo. He was so excited. She tried, but she couldn't tell him anything that had happened with Matt. He would be leaving soon anyway. He didn't need to know.
She tried for the next two days to make Matt see reason. She tried to make him see how many people would be hurt by their being together. He wouldn't let it rest.
After the death of RJ, she felt so guilty when Junior held her hand and told her how much he needed her. She was really going to stop this thing with Matt.
Then she realized a riff was forming between Matt and Jean. Matt blamed his mom for Kris not being with him. As much as she loved Junior, she couldn't tear the ranch apart. She could make Matt stop this arguing with his mom if she told him the truth, but then he'd probably make her leave. Or he could sell Wildfire. Or he could do both.
That afternoon she compounded the worst mistake of her life by telling Matt she wanted to be with him. She kissed him. She lied to him.
Now it was a week later. Junior had just left. The day she dreaded was here. Junior knew she was with Matt. He had been devastated by the news. As he walked away, Kris knew that she had made the greatest mistake of her life.
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"He's gone Wildfire—really gone. He's never going to forgive me. And why should he? I guess this is my life from now on Wildfire. I made my bed…now I guess I have to lie in it."
With that, she patted Wildfire one last time before turning to head to the house.
She could never tell him that she slept with him to save Wildfire. She was with Matt now. She might as well accept it.