A/N:
Hey there, thanks for reading! This is my first fanfiction on , I do have written other fanfictions on wattpad (not the same username).
TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm
Spoilers for season six.
Unbeta'd, and English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes I made.
Emma sighed in frustration when she couldn't help but overthink it all again, which she had done a lot today. Why did this have to happen to her? To him? To them? After everything they have been through, after finally battling themselves out of the dangerous grounds in the Underworld, this had to happen.
He wanted a future so badly, and she couldn't give it to him. All because of the Saviors destiny and fate, they weren't supposed to get happy endings themselves, while they made sure everyone else did. At first she had some hope for a solution - even though she is not the hope type, like her mother - but it all faded when they found Aladdin. Only was he dead. He was a Savior as well in Agrabah, and he also died because of that.
There was no way she would be able to give Killian what he wanted and what he deserved. For all she knew, she could be dead tomorrow. She shook her head furiously. Stop overthinking!
She didn't want to deal with all the stress and worry and being the Savior in general. She never even asked for it in the first place. Her life was so unfair. And there was nothing she could do to change it.
The familiar creepy thought entered her mind once again.
She didn't want to do it, but she needed to, and the urge was too strong to ignore. She sighed to herself in disappointment. She couldn't even believe she started thinking about that dark path again. She hadn't done it in years! So why start now?
Because she would be able to forget, even if it is for only a moment. She would have all the control.
It didn't really help when she saw Henry's pencil sharpener on the table, seeming like it was staring at her. It almost felt as if the sharpener tried to dare her into doing it. Which was impossible, it couldn't even talk. Not that she would find it weird if it did, she didn't really look up from anything anymore. Not after entering this town.
She reached over and grabbed the object, immediately noticing the familiar sharp knife hidden in the innocent object for pencils.
It was so easy to just give up and do it.
Sighing, she unscrewed the sharp blade out of the plastic with her magic. Far more easier than searching and trying ten different screwdrivers for one who would fit. In the foster homes, she always had to wait 'til the new parents left and she was alone before starting her search mission to a box with screwdrivers.
She placed the plastic back on the table in the living room, before walking upstairs with the familiar little blade clamped in her pale hands.
She placed the cold metal against the skin of her wrist, before slowly moving it, the cut appearing. It took a second or three before blood would be noticed. She immediately recognized the familiar sting of the cut. It was almost impossible to forget about that.
Emma bit her lip when she did it again, this time adding more pressure on it, making sure it hurt.
She repeated the process a few times again, before counting the cuts she had made so far. Eleven, twelve, thirteen... Thirteen. There were now thirteen new cuts on both of her wrists. The familiar and hunting white and light pink scars on the background sickened her, knowing she sprung right back into that darkness. But she couldn't really find herself to care at the moment. She never really did.
She let a few unshed tears -which she had bottled up- fall. It hurt, of course it did, but that's the point of all this, right? Other people wouldn't understand why the point was to get hurt.
It was all her fault, so she deserved it. It was her fault she couldn't take care of Henry and lied about his father. It was her fault Mary Margaret and David decided they wanted another child, because she wasn't good enough. It was her fault she became the Dark One. It was her fault Killian died and she dragged her family to the Underworld.
She would never be good enough.
It was all her fault.
She didn't even hear the front door opening while she was so deep in her thoughts. She also didn't hear his voice call out for her, followed by sounds of footsteps on the stairs.
Killian came in their bedroom, turning on the lights. It took him a moment to find it, since they only moved in here two days ago. When light filled the room, he saw Emma sitting on their bed against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms stiff between her chest and her knees.
"Emma?" He asked, his voice not much more than a whisper.
She did notice his presence then, and she tensed up. But she didn't even try to hide the fact about what she just did. There was no way she would be able to cover it up now. He was going to leave her anyways, because he knew she couldn't give him all what he ever wanted. She was not good enough.
Emma slowly tilted her head up to look at him. A few more tears were added to her tear stained cheeks, but she couldn't find the motivation to wipe them away.
"What's wrong?" Killian asked worriedly, before walking over to her and sitting down next to her on the edge of the bed.
She sniffed and hung her head low, shame filling her eyes, but she didn't answer. Should she even answer?
That's when he saw it. The beginning of an angry red line on her arm. He grabbed it and the gasp from surprise and wince from pain, did not go unnoticed by Killian. He turned her arm, revealing her wrist. Several cuts were visible, the same on the other arm.
He didn't say a word when realization downed on him, but his eyes widened. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and grabbed their first-aid-kit.
They both didn't say anything while Killian took care of her wounds.
Emma's wide eyes looked up at him when he pulled his shirt over his head. He walked over to the bed and crawled under the covers. He turned on his side so he could face her. Her beautiful green eyes stared back at him, filled with fear and shame. Fear for the thought of him leaving her, shame because of what she had done.
He opened his arms for her and whispered, "Come here, love." She let out a sigh of relief she didn't know she was holding before she scooted over and snuggled against him. She rested her head on his chest along with her left hand. Killian wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. The reassurance he still wanted to hold her after today, did make her feel a little better. Only a little.
"Why?" Killian's voice rang through the silence. "Why did you do it?" He asked, his breath shakily.
"Because I'm tired of it," Emma replied quietly. "I can't give you the future you deserve," she remembered talking to Archie about the Savior's destiny. But she never told the cricket about harming herself. She had never told anyone, and she wasn't planning on it. Too bad Killian did find out.
He sighed and hugged her a little tighter, knowing what this was about. "Swan, I'm not mad at you for telling me. I understand why you didn't, I just wish you had."
Emma squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, tears spilling out of them. "I know that now. But it doesn't change the fact I'm taking away your future, and there's nothing I can do to stop it,'' she explained, her voice thick with tears.
"Then why would you harm yourself?" Killian's voice broke at the end when he could feel some of Emma's tears landing on his chest.
"Because it's all my fault," she whispered with a lump in her throat, on the edge of sobs.
"No, it's not, love," he assured her. He put his hand under her chin to tilt her head up. "I need you to promise you won't do this again," he asked, staring in her eyes, referring to the cutting.
Emma swallowed hard, trying to keep her tears at bay. "I can't promise you that," she whispered in a small voice.
Killian nodded slightly in understanding. "Will you then, when you feel the urge to do it again, tell me? I want to help you, I'll take care of you," He asked and she nodded, not telling him she wouldn't.
She never would.
Review? :)