Hermione Gets a Clue
By: Melora
Our scene begins in the empty (or so you think) common room, void of all life but Hermione and Crookshanks.
"And Unto thee, I bring a child- no wait, hmmm, what was I supposed to say again? Oh dear." Hermione looks up at the sound of an oddly echo-y voice floating through the air.
Hermione: "Who's there?"
Voice: "It is I- Romeo! And like the- wait, hold on, wrong romance...umm…"
Hermione (pulling Crookshanks onto her lap, as though to protect her) "Who are you?"
Voice: "I am the great and powerful Oz! Wait, no I'm not! Hold on a sec-" A cloud of blue smoke appears by the stage-right window and from mist an apparition looking a lot like-
Hermione: "Santa?"
Man in red and white clothing and big black belt (including the whole Santa beard and jelly-belly) pulls out a scroll.
Voice: "Lets see, Good little girls: Carey Moo, Sairy Lou, Mary Froo, Betty Sue- Wait a sec! Betty Sue is Voldemort's heir! What is SHE doing on this list? And Sairy Lou is pregnant with James Potter's illegitimate child… What was that dear?"
Hermione: "Santa? You're real! Omigosh! Wowwwwwww!" Runs up to "Santa" and hugs him, crumpling his list of "Good little Girls."
Voice: "Ho Ho Ho! Well, I guess you could call me that. Although Mrs. Santa likes to call me-" Is cut off, thank goodness.
Hermione: "Oh yay! Santa's real! Santa's real! Hahahahaha!" Hermione begins dancing around.
Voice-now-Santa: "Ho Ho Ho! Come sit on my lap little girl! And tell Santa what you want!"
Hermione: "Whopeeeeee!" (Lands very heavily on Santa's laps. Distinct crunching is heard. As well as Santa's eyes bugging out of their sockets.)
Hermione: "I want books, and, um, new quills, and more books, and maybe some money to buy more books, and um, if its okay, maybe some candy?" Santa eyes her wearily.
Santa: "Well, I don't know dear, you appear to have had enough candy for I while…"
Hermione: "Drat. Then books I guess."
Crookshanks: To Santa "Excuse me, but may I remind you that you are here to say something to the girl."
Hermione: "Eep! You talk! Nifty. Do it again."
Crookshanks: Ignoring Hermione "I believe the Lord's orders were clear enough, you rather stupid man-"
Hermione: "You mean God? Wowwww."
Santa and Crookshanks: "WILL YOU DESIST FROM SAYING THAT???"
Hermione: Scared "Yeah" Quietly "He talks and works for God. Wowwww…"
Santa: "I'm sorry, old Bean, I'll get right to it. Hermione, dear, get off my lap. There is something I need to tell you." Hermione gets off. "Now dear, it has come to my- and well, everyone's attention that you need some help."
Hermione: "I do? My grades are good, I have friends. Granted, one of them is always getting me almost killed- but he's a good lad. What help do I need?"
Santa: Blushing "Ah, well, you see, you need help in- oh drat! You! Cat body snatcher! You were always better at the "Can't Fight the Moonlight" speech."
Hermione: Gasping "You're going to talk to me about, sex?" Santa starts laughing at her "I know all about that. You don't need to, really. It's okay Santa, don't cry." Pats his knee.
Crookshanks: "Hermione, what is wrong with you? You are sounding almost like Lavender tonight."
Hermione: Huffily "You know very well I go a little crackers late in the evening."
Crookshanks: "Ahh. Yes. Anyway, what Santa here was trying to tell you, is that you need love help." Hermione stares. "Stop staring at me like that."
Hermione: "It seems to me, Mr. Cat-Man, that you are the one who needs love help. After all, you are the one resorting to living as a cat so you can watch Parvati shower-"
Crookshanks: "You saw that?" Hermione nods.
Santa: "Stop trying to change the subject, you two. Hermione, Our great and most esteemable head-cheese man-" Lightning bolt comes down from ABOVE and strikes near Santa's chair. "Well, he received a prayer of the most fervent sort, with a request. He sent down a faithful 'angel'" Glares pointedly "to take the body of your cat to observe and assess the situation." Crookshanks bows.
Hermione: "Thank goodness, the thought a cat-man watching me sleep every night- blech!"
Crookshanks: "Well! I say! That-"
Enter Harry Stage Left
Harry: "Excuse me? Can I interrupt?"
Hermione: Amazed "Harry! Look! It's Santa! And Crookshanks talks! Wowwwww…"
Santa: "Ho Ho Ho! What are you doing here?"
Crookshanks: "What indeed? You should leave this to the professionals."
Harry: "No offense, guys, but you are rather sucking at this."
Santa: "None taken."
Hermione: "For once and for all, what is going on?"
Harry: "Hermione, all of my life, I have hoped to find a girl who was smart, pretty and, um…umm….other stuff too." Kneels and takes Hermione's hand.
Hermione: In a sing-song voice "I don't like where this is going…"
Harry: "And I am pleased, no, happy. No, honored! To say that-"
Santa: Sobbing "This is so CUTE!!! Sniff!"
Coorkshanks: Sniffing "What an un-predicted change of events! Here, have my hankie." Hands Santa hankie.
Harry: "Cho has accepted my invitation to the dance! Isn't it great?" Santa and Crookshanks stop sobbing and stare worriedly.
Hermione: "Haliluya. You had me worried for a moment there. But why did you need Santa and Cat-Man's help telling me this?" Harry lets go of her hands and stands up.
Harry: "Well, now that I have felt the joys of being in a relationship, I feel the unquenchable desire to make others as happy as me. Except Malfoy, of course.
Hermione: "Of course."
Harry: "And, I received a rather rousing letter from R/H Shippers united who told me that it was about time a little R and H-adge happened. They are sick of waiting! The time has come! And even though I hinted at it forever in my letters over the summer, you didn't seem to get the clue. So one night, I turned to the only person left-The Lord."
Hermione: "Uh-huh. Okaaaaay. And what did the man with the beard say?" Lightning bolt strikes near her chair. "Sorry! Well…?"
Harry: "In short, it is time to get you and Ron really drunk and lock you in a trunk together!"
Hermione: "WHAT???"
Crookshanks: "Well I say, that is rather violent. Who thought of that?"
Harry: "R/H Shipper United's Treasurer Rhonda Luvs Herman." (Not real person or organization, as far as I know. Apologies to all if I am wrong. Or right. Whichever is worse!)
Hermione: "Are you hinting at me and Ron getting together?" Looks worried and ponderous.
Santa: "I can see she's gonna need some persuasion. Lights!" Light dim and a film projector appears. Upon is a very it a large, multi-million digit number appears.
"That big number is the number of NC-17 fan fiction's revolving around you and Ron on Fan Fiction.net."
Hermione: "Glack!"
Harry: "My thought too. Do you know there are only 375 about me and Cho? Sad, really."
Hermione: "You mean, "Cho and I" "
Chrookshanks: "Moving on…"
Santa: "Right-o. This is a direct quote from JK Rowling a.k.a. GOD." On screen appears a very big,
"Yes."
Hermione: "Um, guys? What was the question."
Santa: "Oh yeah…I think it was something to the effect of: "Is there something more than friendship going on between Hermione and Ron?"
Hermione: "Really? Wow. Me and Ron. I never thought of that. Hmmm."
Harry: "Are you repulsed?"
Hermione: 'NO! Ron is a sweet guy!" Santa starts smiling jubiously and Crookshanks purrs. "You two…!"
Santa: "It was meant to be! Written in the stars! Like to star-crossed lovers, passing the moon by night-"
Hermione: "Need I remind you that your quote was from "Romeo and Juliet" and their relationship didn't turn out so great."
Santa: "What!? I haven't seen the end yet! Are you sure?"
Hermione: "Positive. And I quote: "Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath! (makes choking-dying noise)."
Santa: "Drat!"
Hermione: "But if Ron and I are meant to be, why hasn't he asked me to the dance? I think you are making this all up!" Crosses her arms.
Harry: "I knew this wouldn't be easy, which is why I brought this!" Whips out Harry Potter 4 Script and opens it.
"Quoth:
"Hi," said Harry. Ron didn't say anything,
"It's hot, isn't it?" said Hermione, fanning herself with her hand. "Vicktor's just gone to get some drinks."
Ron gave her a withering look. "Vicktor?" he said. "Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?"
Hermione looked at him in surprise. "What's up with you?" she said.
"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
Unquoth."
Santa: "That's proof if I ever heard it!"
Crookshanks: "Are you persuaded? Can I go back to heaven now?"
Hermione: "I don't know guys. Ron said he was mad because I was fraternizing with the enemy."
Crookshanks: "Plainly a very bad excuse. Isn't Vicktor Krum Ron's role model?"
Harry: "Exactly. He's just insecure around you. He's afraid you'll say 'No' or 'gross' or laugh at him. He'd rather be your friend then be without you."
Hermione: Happily "He said that?"
Harry: Looking down and scuffing his shoe. "Well, Ron talks a lot in his sleep."
Hermione: Laughing "How cute!" Everyone stares at her. "Hey, I thought you wanted us together. And I don't believe that "Wanting everyone else to feel the joys or a relationship" crap either, Harry. What is really your ulterior motive?"
Harry: "Ulterior motive? Me? Never." Hermione puts him in a headlock. "Okay! I confess! I did it because I'm getting sick of you two yelling at each other or not speaking in turns! I'm sick of you both pretending not to make cow eyes at each other! Just sick! Besides, you two are so cute!"
Hermione: "Really, Harry?"
Harry: "Really. Cross my heart and hope to die."
Enter Voldemort stage Left.
Voldemort: "That could be arranged, GOD willing."
Hermione, Santa and Harry: "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Enter GOD from ABOVE
GOD: "I am not willing! It would just ruin my story!"
Crookshanks: "It's not a very pleasant experience, dying, I mean."
Hermione: "Jeepers, is it just me, or does God look a lot like a, well, a woman?"
Harry: "I guess God must be a woman."
Hermione: "I knew it!"
GOD: Puts hand on head "It is way to late for this."
Hermione: "In fact, I could swear she was the twin sister of JK Rowling…"
Harry: "Gasp! JK Rowling is God!"
Crookshanks: "You have got to be kidding me…"
Ron: "What's going on down here?"
The End
A's Note:
Please do not attack me if my Bible and Harry Potter quotes are wrong (They are the same book, right?) and the same goes to William's stuff, I know I got that wrong! I do not own any Harry Potter characters or authors. Same goes for all Gods, angels or plots. I do, however, own Santa, so Ha! Don't hate me because this is R/H!!! Oh, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone religiously! Sorry if I offend or any other such thing.
Review!
Luv,
Melora