It was, perhaps, the most effective wakeup call Light had ever had the misfortune of experiencing.
As the drawer of the filing cabinet slammed close, a sharp pain suddenly flared through his fingers, resulting in Light quickly reclaiming his fingers, clutching his wrist and doubling over, a sharp hiss of pain escaping him, as well as a dark mutter of words better left unrepeated. Slowly raising his head, Light gave the filing cabinet a dark, almost murderous glare, his honey colored eyes flashing dangerously. He couldn't stay mad at the filing cabinet for long though, no, his poor smashed fingers were quickly demanding his attention, throbbing, making him quite aware of the fact he had just smashed them in the filing cabinet.
Muttering obscene things under his breath, Light straightened, examining his fingers gingerly. They were red, a bit swollen already, but they weren't broken: thank whatever there was for small miracles. He really didn't want to have to explain broken fingers to L, as it was, he was already having a problem keeping his sleeplessness from him, but L had been absorbed in his newest case, meaning that he hadn't had the time or attention span to spend more than a few moments with Light. Usually he hated this, but at the moment, those few moments were the only thing that Light could handle, he wasn't sure how long he could keep up acting okay.
Drawing a shaky breath, Light stared at his hand for a few moments, before he went back up the stairs, grabbing a bag of ice from the fridge, carefully placing it over his abused fingers. His other hand went to smoothing his hair, though none of the strands had fallen out of place. It just gave the chestnut haired man a bit of reassurance: he still had control over something.
In the other room, he could hear the steady click of keys as L worked on something, without a doubt some sweet keeping him company. A slight smile flashed over Light's face, before he made a disgusted face. There were so few sweets that he enjoyed, he had no idea how the other man could stomach so many sweets. Shaking his head (though he smoothed his hair immediately after doing so), Light mustered an irked look as he walked out of the kitchen, going into the bathroom.
"Light-kun, are you looking for something?" L asked, making Light jump in surprise, a glance over his shoulder revealed the raven haired detective standing behind him, in his usual slouched stance, though those gray eyes were questioning, as was the slight tilt of the head he regarded Light with: the many months of just being around the detective had taught Light a lot about his body language.
"Just some medical tape," Light muttered gruffly, back to rummaging through the storage of medical supplies with his good hand, ice still bandaging his injured hand.
He heard L approaching him this time, but he still wasn't expecting his hand to be grabbed with strong albeit gentle fingers. Pausing in his rummaging, Light looked up, his honey colored eyes questioning, but not pulling away as he watched L remove the ice wrap, making a 'tsk' sound as he observed the reddened fingers. Vaguely Light noticed that the swelling had gone down: that was a good thing.
"Light-kun really should be more careful. Light-kun got very lucky he didn't break his fingers," L informed Light, his tone chiding. It had taken many, many months, but Light was finally able to see L's human side, and it made the chestnut haired Light smile despite himself, even if he didn't appreciate the chiding tone. "However, the medical wrap should be under the bandages, where it always is, Light-kun."
Making a disgruntled sound, though he really wasn't all that irritated, Light rummaged through the bandages now, wondering what L was planning to do with the hand he still held captive. All of a sudden, he felt a very soft sensation against his aching fingers, though it was gone before his sleep deprived mind could fully identify it. And then it was back, looking over, a soft smile flashed across Light's face as he watched L carefully (he didn't want to somehow end up causing his Light-kun pain, after all), lightly kissing the smashed fingers, a concentrated look on his face as he got the spots that seemed to be the least sensitive to pressure.
It reminded Light of why he loved L. These small gestures, the way that he had unfailing belief in Light, the way he made a smile always flicker through, even on the worst of days, it made every fight (which weren't uncommon, especially when working together on a case) worth it. Turning his attention away from the detective, Light finally found the medical tape, and carefully moved to take his hand back from the grip of the raven haired man.
Surprisingly enough, he was met by resistance. A mutinous look had sprung up into the gray eyes of the detective, and he held firm on Light's wrist, his other hand extending to snatch the tape away. "Light-kun will simply end up hurting himself more if I allow him to bandage his own fingers," L informed Light, still trying to snatch the tape without jostling Light's smashed fingers, "So I cannot allow Light-kun to do this. I will take care of it." Succeeding in snatching the tape away from Light, L promptly took care of the red fingers, taping them gently. Satisfied with his work, the detective gave a nod, planting a kiss on the bandages, before finally releasing Light's hand, a satisfied air to him.
"I would not have hurt myself further," Light argued absently, though the smile tugging the corners of his mouth proved he was simply arguing for the sake of arguing: the huff from L told him the detective knew that. And just as silently as he had come, the detective left, without a doubt having thought about something for his current case. Watching him leave, Light gave a soft chuckle and put everything back in perfect order, everything had to be perfect. And that included him.
That was the reason he hadn't been able to let anyone (namely a person who was called L) know about the reason he hadn't been getting any sleep: that would have been admitting some sort of fault. And despite the time he had spent with L, there were some things that Light hadn't been able to let go of, like his obsessive need to be perfect.
He knew it irritated L, the fact Light wasn't able to stand not being perfect in his appearance or his work. That it frustrated L that Light wasn't able to just relax, especially when they were alone. Some part of Light had considered apologizing for that, but he figured that would just further irritate the raven haired man. Staring at the perfectly arranged drawer, Light gave a sigh, and closed it, walking out of the bathroom.
It wasn't his fault perfection had been engraved into almost every fiber of his being. It wasn't his fault that it had become a habit he felt lost without. There were so few things that Light could control, and just keeping himself perfect, sometimes it was just enough to let him remain sane. And sometimes that was all that mattered, him just being okay enough to keep his other side at bay.
Walking down the hallways, Light lightly tapped on his door, watching it swing open, his stuff (just like the drawer) perfectly arranged. There wasn't even a piece of clothing littering the ground, everything was perfect. Rubbing a hand over his eyes, Light listened to the familiar click of keys as L worked, before carefully shutting his door, not wanting to disturb the other. Striding over to the window, Light looked out at the sky, watching the stars twinkle oh so cheerily.
He had no idea what time it was, all he knew was that he couldn't afford to go asleep, no matter how hard it was to stay awake. Pressing his forehead against the cool window, Light sought something (anything really) to keep him awake, but in the end, found himself flitting in-between consciousness and sleep, even leaning against the cool window. Giving a sigh, Light carefully pulled his face away from the window, and changed into pajamas (there was no way he could sleep in his clothes, after all, they weren't pajamas), before he collapsed down on his bed.
As soon as his head hit the pillow, darkness consumed Light once more, though like the countless nights before, the darkness was not soothing.
It was hot; ah it was so very hot. Raising a hand to shade his eyes, Light looked out at the wasteland in front of him. Cracks were in the earth's dry surface, heat radiating from all directions. There was no shade, no matter how hard he looked. For the moment, he was completely alone, though he knew how this dream was going to go.
He found himself moving now; heading toward what his mind assumed was water: Light knew differently. Even knowing the horrors that were going to come though, didn't stop them. Trudging along the dry earth, Light fought with everything he had to turn back the way he had come and just run away, but that wasn't how this dream worked. Oh no, in this dream he had no choice, all he could do was watch in silent horror.
He reached what he had thought to be water, only to find (surprise, surprise, he thought bitterly) it was not water at all, but a simple mirage. He looked around now (again against his will) at the seemingly empty wasteland: had that been a noise? Slowly, Light turned around, his eyebrows drawing together in a confused look: was that a person on the horizon? Stepping toward the person, Light could only scream internally at himself to run away before he got too close, before the...
It was too late now. He could see the person, and although he stopped walking, it really didn't matter. He could still see the person. It always started the same, with his father staring at him. There was a question in his eyes, asking Light why he had done this to him. A decaying hand reached out toward Light now, (his father had been dead for a while and it was showing), and his mouth opened, though no sound was escaping him.
"Leave me alone! Go away!" Light screamed (having finally found his voice) at the figure, panic seeping into Light's voice. "I…I…please…just go away." Light whispered now, watching as more and more people surrounded him. They were all people he had killed with the Death Note: they were all staring at him now beseechingly, all asking the same question. They weren't advancing, but why would they? They had him trapped. All they wanted was their questions answered, but what possible answer was there?
"Why? What did killing us accomplish? You called us monsters, but what are you? You killed so many, and yet you have the nerve to call us monsters! You are the true monster!" The mob was advancing: Light had nowhere to run. That didn't mean he didn't try though, whipping around, the chestnut haired boy made a strangled sound when he saw his only chances of escape gone. The mob was descending upon him now, hunger glinting in their eyes.
"S…stop! Please. Just, stop, go away," Light whispered, slowly sinking down to the ground, staring up at his Father with wide eyes, eyes that belonged on a frightened child. And in that moment, that was what Light was: nothing more than a frightened child, shaking, pale, and wishing he could escape this. And of course, it was then that he heard that voice: the one that haunted his every weak moment.
"You know, there's a perfectly logical way to stop this. You can make them all go away. Come on, do you really want the dream to go the same way it does every night?" The mob halted now, parting to reveal the speaker, though Light didn't have to see who it was to know who the voice belonged to.
It was like looking in a mirror, though instead of his honey colored eyes, a bright red pair of orbs tracked his every movement. Reaching out, Kira offered Light the way out of his nightmare: a black notebook with the words 'Death Note' etched onto the cover, and a simple pen. A smirk was dancing on the man's lips, a cold expression that made Light want to shudder, in fact, he did.
"Come on," Kira purred, his voice low, intoxicating. "What happened to those big dreams you had? You were going to make the perfect world. And then you just quit, gave up. Criminals are on the loose now, people who deserve to die like none other. And here you are, sitting here on your ass, refusing to do the right thing. Really, how pathetic are you?"
Staring up at the man, Light slowly shook his head, getting to his feet. "I gave you up," Light half whispered, half growled. "I don't want to go back to you, not again. Go back to hell, and keep your damning attempts to rescue me to yourself! I don't want anything to do with you anymore! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." Shouting by the last part, Light slapped the hand outstretched to him, rage written all over his usually fine features. For a moment, the two stared at each other with mirrored expressions of hate, the mob staring at their boss, waiting for some sort of signal.
Kira threw back his head and laughed then, and Light knew it was all over. "Have fun." Were the red eyed demon's parting words, and as fast as he had come, he was gone. The mob was turning back to face Light now, the hunger back in their eyes. Light didn't fight them as they approached, however, he couldn't help screaming in agony as he was literally torn apart. Every finger digging into his skin, every tearing sensation, even the warmth as blood gushed from the wounds: he felt it all. And yet, all he could do was scream.
The first thing Light saw as his eyes snapped open, was another pair of eyes staring intently at him. Giving a startled noise, Light threw himself to the side automatically, falling off of the bed and landing on his already smashed fingers. A pained noise escaped him as he sat back up, giving his fingers a disgruntled look. He might as well just break them; with all the abuse he had put them through in the last few hours. A few moments later, he saw the familiar gray eyes (with a slightly sheepish glint in them) of L looking down at him.
"Ah, sorry Light-kun, I was not aware you would react so violently and end up smashing your fingers again," L said apologetically, before scooting down so he was sitting on the floor beside Light. "Light-kun wasn't sleeping easily tonight," He informed Light, those wide gray eyes of his searching for the answer in Light's eyes: making the chestnut look away before he could really see anything. He had worked too hard on seeming perfect to let everything fall apart now!
"Ah, don't worry about it L. Just an odd dream, I'm sure it will pass," Light said, yawning despite the fact the terror from the dream was still fresh in his mind, he supposed eventually he just pass out from lack of sleep and that would be the end of everything…or so he reasoned. "I'm sure it is just from staying up too late or something, don't worry about it," Light concluded, doing his best to give L a smile.
And it became obvious that the other man didn't believe it for a second. In fact, he simply frowned at Light now. "No, Light-kun. This has been going on for a while. You've never screamed this loudly before though, it worries me," L was back to staring intently at him now, a pale hand reaching out to grip Light's chin, forcing the younger man to look him in the eyes. "Something changed, and I can't just sit back and try to let you work through this anymore. It pains me to hear that coming from you, Light-kun."
It hurt to hear those words: Light had never intended to cause L any pain. How could he explain though, that the person leading the mob, the person who had torn the deepest had been L himself? For the moment, all Light could do was stare mutely into those searching, concerned gray eyes of L, unable to offer anything. A silence stretched between them, and he didn't know what L saw. He was afraid to ask.
A few moments later, L pulled back, as if to leave. The thought panicked Light, if anything; he didn't want to be left alone right now. He…he didn't trust himself enough to be alone right now. His fear was calmed though, when L abruptly pulled Light into a tight embrace, holding the other man close to him in an effort to comfort him.
Making a surprised sound, for a moment Light could only sit there, the frightened part of his mind expecting those fingers to start digging into his back and tear him apart, just like in the dream. A few moments passed, and when Light found nothing of the sort happening, he slumped into the arms of the raven haired L, head falling onto L's shoulder, eyes closing.
"Why does Light-kun insist on seeming perfect around me?" L asked softly, though Light could feel the arms around him tightening. Light froze: he really didn't want to get into this again. Rather than argue with L, Light opted to remain silent, the dream had shaken him quite a bit (especially if he didn't want to argue).
"Light-kun," L insisted, pulling back to meet Light's eyes, "Being perfect is a Kira trait."
Abruptly, Light pulled away from L, no longer accepting the embrace, no longer showing any sort of emotion in his eyes. Images were crashing down upon him now, images from that blasted dream. Perhaps he was stupid to have refused a way out; he wouldn't mind a good sleep, especially if he was going to put up with this sort of treatment. "Go back to work, L. I'm sure you have something you can be doing," Light spoke, each word very deliberate and clear. Arms crossing, he looked at the raven haired detective with impassionate eyes.
And all the detective did was stare back, without a doubt gauging his reaction and reading too far into it. In fact, if he knew L (and he did, of course he did), he would say that the other man seemed amused by this. "No, Light-kun, I solved that case already. You are much more interesting than anything else I have to do anyway," L mused, those gray eyes never wavering from Light.
Interesting…yeah, that was all he would ever be. Abruptly, Light felt tired again, a sigh escaping him. At least when he had been Kira, he had been someone worth mentioning. Now he was just…interesting. Thrown out of his family, not really having a place anywhere, maybe he should just leave. After all, L had been on his own for however long he had been on his own, Light leaving wouldn't affect his ability to solve cases at all.
Shaking his head at L now (his fingers were still throbbing), Light turned and walked out the door, going to find some ice to make the throbbing lessen. He heard L call out behind him, but at this time, Light opted to ignore the detective. Walking down the hallway again, Light picked up another bag of ice from the freezer, as well as a dishtowel, quickly wrapping the towel around the ice; he sat at the table once more, resting the ice on his fingers.
"I am now 56 percent certain Kira appeared in Light-kun's dream," L said as he came into the kitchen, selecting one of the cookies on the counter and eating it with a pleased expression.
So that was what it had been, another damned test. Glaring over at L, Light got the vaguest feeling that he should calm down, but with the adrenaline of the dream still coursing through him, better judgment escaped him. "Another test, how predictable, L," Light snapped out, those honey colored eyes glowing in his whirlwind of emotion, "the world might just end if you ask an honest question about something, instead of using one of those damned tests!"
"Light-kun is overreacting. I merely stated that being perfect is a Kira-trait," L told him, his tone never changing from its calm demeanor. "I never accused Light-kun of being Kira, we already solved that case anyway. The only reason Light-kun would get upset, was if he had been thinking about Kira recently. Something that Light-kun would not have admitted to seeing if I had asked him." Light swore that the raven haired detective sounded smug of all things. Fixing the other man a weary look, Light slowly shook his head (his good hand going up automatically to fix his hair).
"You're incorrect, L," Light said quietly, adjusting the ice on his fingers, before tossing it back into the freezer and standing up. "If you had asked, I would have told you." Turning, Light started to make his way back to his bedroom.
"Light-kun…" L said, reaching out to grab Light's shoulder.
Shrugging his hand off, Light kept walking, not seeing the confused look in the detective's eyes, followed by a slightly hurt one once he heard Light's words. "Don't touch me."
Striding down the hallway, Light slammed his door shut behind him. It was only once he had a firm barricade between him and L that he allowed himself to sink down against the door, and curl into a ball, arms wrapping around his legs. His head dropped down to his knees, though the feeling of being torn apart was still there, dancing over his skin. Staring at his desk, Light could barely keep himself from reaching out, and seizing the Death Note he kept there, making the nightmare finally go away.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed with him sitting here, staring at his desk, but the sound of footsteps down the hall jolted him from whatever thoughts he might have had. Blinking rapidly, Light jumped to his feet, snatching a book from the shelf, and plopping down on his bed with it, giving the illusion of having been reading.
A soft knock made him do a double take though: since when did L knock? Looking up from his book, a frown creased the corners of Light's mouth. "Come in." He said, staring at the door.
A head poked in now, L, but for once the detective wasn't looking at Light. Instead, his gaze seemed to be trained on the floor, he shuffled in. "Is Light-kun still mad at me…?" He asked, seeming more and more like a child that had been scolded. It was starting to make Light feel bad for snapping at him earlier: damn it. Why couldn't he stay angry at the other man?
Giving a sigh, Light shook his head. "No, L, I'm not mad at you anymore," He muttered, reaching up to fix his hair.
It surprised him when he felt someone else doing that. Blinking a few times Light looked up to see L standing beside him (well, as much as the detective ever stood), smoothing his hair. "Light-kun does not like his hair being messy," L said simply. Only someone who had been around him for as long as Light had would recognize the apology.
Sighing, Light allowed the hair smoothing, accepting the apology. "What do you want, L?" He asked, wondering what in the world could possess the detective to come and visit him this early in the morning.
For a moment, L was silent, making Light wonder if he was even going to answer. Before he could voice that question though, L spoke a bit hesitantly. "I wanted to keep Light-kun company tonight. I thought perhaps having someone else nearby would help Light-kun sleep and keep his nightmares at bay," It was only under the constant stare of Light that L muttered a little bit more. "And I couldn't sleep thinking that I had made Light-kun mad at me." His gray eyes rose to meet Light's now, and he was biting his lip. He almost looked…afraid?
It made Light want to chuckle, despite everything. What in the world did L have to be frightened of? Giving a sigh (though he really wasn't irritated in the slightest with L), Light scooted over, making space for the scrawny detective.
L didn't need any more invitation than that. Scrambling over, he flopped down on the bed, secretly breathing in the somehow sweet (though Light detested just about any sweet) scent of Light. Shaking his head at the detective, Light slowly eased down into a laying position as well, though dread was stirring in the depths of his stomach at the thought of sleeping.
"I'm not certain that I feel like sleeping, L," Light said hesitantly, though he had to admit that the pillow beneath his head felt really nice, as did the blankets he had pulled around the both of them. All of a sudden, he felt warm arms wrapping around his abdomen, and found himself being pulled into L.
"Light-kun does not need to worry," L said simply, pulling Light close to him, "For Light-kun is strong enough to hold Kira off. And while Light-kun holds Kira back, I will fight off whatever else is attempting to hurt him."
Surprise was evident in Light's eyes as he heard these words, but slowly, a smile stretched across his face. Shifting in L's arms, Light wrapped his own arms around L in return, holding the scrawny detective close, listening to their gentle breathing. "Thank you." Light said after a few moments of cuddling, sleepiness tugging at his mind, resulting in a yawn.
"Sleep, Light-kun." He heard L insist firmly. Making a sound that resembled 'okay', Light closed his eyes, letting his sleepiness start to engulf him. It was several minutes later (he was almost asleep) when he heard L speak again, this time a much softer tone, as if he was afraid of Light hearing him.
"I must not make Light-kun mad. I do not know what I would do if he got tired of me and left." Light could hear the frown in the detective's voice: had he been more awake, he would have tried to comfort the raven haired man. "I don't want Light-kun to leave. I love Light-kun."
A smile faintly touched Light's sleeping lips. For a moment, he refused to let sleep overtake him, and Light spoke (granted it was a bit mumbled, though he was sure L would understand him). "I love you too, L." He felt the detective jump in surprise in his arms, but what happened after that was lost to Light, as he fell into his first blissful sleep in weeks, wrapped in the embrace of the raven haired detective.