Empty Page Is a New Beginning

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

Rating: T

Genre: Tragedy/Romance

Pairing: Sam/Jack

Length: I've written 8 chapters so far and if I stick to the plan, there will be one more chapter after those and then an epilogue. No matter what, this shouldn't stretch over 15 chapters.

Summary: Three months ago she was a soldier. Yesterday she was a mother-to-be. Today? That's what she needs to figure out before she can be happy with him. A tragedy forces Sam to rethink what she wants from her life. S/J with a happy ending.

A/N: This starts sad and dramatic but turns into a fluff in the later chapters. It has humor in it though you might not believe that from the first chapter.

I admit parts of this story were inspired by some fics I have read over the years. I have forgotten the names of said stories, though. I think this story has enough originality to be called my story but if you feel like I borrowed too many of your ideas, please let me know. I'll delete this story, add a 'thank you' in the beginning or something else.

English is not my first language and I apologize for all the mistakes you will find in this story. I consult my dictionaries all the time but of course I can't notice everything, no matter how many times I read the story through.

EDIT 08/14/2011:

Spoilers: Post Divide and Conquer (4x05) even though the events of the episode aren't actually mentioned. Only real spoilers are from seasons 1 and 2.

CHAPTER 1

"I lost it," was all she said when he opened his front door one Friday evening.

It took his brain a moment to catch up but finally he realized what she was talking about. "Sam..." he sighed and looked into her pained eyes. He reached to touch her arm but she shied away. He nodded. She didn't want his touch, understood. He opened the door a little wider and she hesitantly stepped in.

Jack closed the door and they stood there in the hallway, barely a feet between their toes. Sam was staring at the floor and Jack was looking at her, trying to come up with something to say or do. Any other day he would have wrapped his arms around her but he didn't dare to do that right now.

"You want something?" he asked softly, knowing it was a lame conversation opener but he had to say something. "Coffee, tea?"

"A time machine."

"Back to yesterday or two months ago?" He wasn't sure if he wanted to know but he had to ask anyway.

They had had their own rules for years on top of the AF rules. Unwritten and unspoken, perhaps, but rules non the less. They had broken all of those two months ago after an exhausting mission that had left Daniel badly injured. It was supposed to be his homecoming celebration when he was finally released from the infirmary but Daniel had been too tired to join them at the O'Malley's. Teal'c declined, too, so it had been just the two of them. And a bottle of tequila on top of the few beers they normally drank, just to wash out the pain of almost losing a friend again.

They had shared a cab and woken up in the same bed, gloriously naked, the next morning. They had quickly come to a conclusion that they would leave it in the room like everything else and never speak of it again. That intention was thrown out the window when three weeks later she found out she was pregnant.

"Yesterday wouldn't change anything," she whispered and he felt his heart sink. "It wasn't meant to be. It wouldn't... It wasn't viable. It wasn't supposed to go on," she babbled, still staring at the floor and he wondered if she was talking about the fetus or about the two of them.

"I love you," he whispered and watched how a shiver ran through her.

"Don't..." she sighed.

"My only regret is that I jeopardized your career."

"I can't... hear this now..." she shook her head slowly.

"I don't mean to sound harsh but I have a feeling this is my last chance to tell these things to you."

"Jack..." Well, at least she wasn't calling him sir.

"Dammit, Sam. I'm hurting, too." She didn't say anything and he knew she was one wrong word away from walking out of that door for good. "Just because there's no baby doesn't mean there's no us," he whispered.

"I can't think now, Jack," she sighed.

"Stay," he whispered, pleaded.

"I don't know anything anymore."

"Please. Stay here tonight. I don't want you to be alone. I don't want me to be alone."

She hesitated.

"I can beg on my bad knees if that's what it takes. Don't walk out now. I'll sleep on the couch. Hell, I sleep in the car if that makes you stay." He stared intensely at her and finally she lifted her head and looked at him. "Please," he whispered and after a deep, shaky breath she nodded.

Jack put his right hand on the small of her back and guided her into the living room. She sat on the couch and he whispered a quick "Be right back" before he disappeared into the kitchen.

When he came back, she was still staring at the same spot on the coffee table she was looking at when he left. He wordlessly passed the cup of steaming hot chocolate to her before he sat down next to her.

"This can't be fixed with chocolate," she mumbled and stared at the cup in her hands.

"Can't make it worse, either," he said softly and took a sip from his own cup.

"I don't feel like talking right now."

"Then we don't talk. You want me to sit somewhere else?"

"No."

Jack could understand her confusion, a lot had happened those past few weeks. As soon as she found out she was pregnant, they had come clean about it to General Hammond. With some help from the president they had managed to avoid charges but they were forced to break up SG-1. Sam had been working at the labs for a month now and so far she had seemed to enjoy it. If she wanted to get back to SG-1 after the maternity leave, Jack was willing to retire. It had been a difficult choice but right then it had felt worth it. Now Jack feared she was having second thoughts.

They had been somewhat together since the day she did the pregnancy test. They had talked a lot, a lot more than Jack remembered ever talking with anyone. Mostly about future, what they wanted to do, but also a little about past.

They had laughed and cried and cuddled on this same couch numerous times. She often stayed the night when they were on the same planet which wasn't often enough for Jack's liking. There had been some kissing involved but nothing more. They had no reason to rush anymore, they were free to do whatever they wanted for the rest of their lives. They had the beginning of something and he knew it would grow into something wonderful in time. And now he could see it all slipping away with the pain in her eyes.

Side by side on his couch, sipping their drinks, the silence stretched over them but it was alright because he knew there were times when words simply weren't enough. Jack stared at the remote control on the coffee table and wondered if Sam would like some background noise after all. She shook her head and Jack felt the ache in his heart get worse. They knew each other so well they didn't even need words most of the time. They were so good together, a perfect team. How could she even consider giving that up?

He wanted to touch her, hold her, whisper words of reassurance in her ear, tell her they'd get over it, they would be alright in the end, no matter how hopeless it felt right now. Instead he stared into his cup and hoped she would say or do anything, make the first move.

"We had it all figured out," she finally whispered when her cup had been empty for fifteen minutes.

"Yeah, we did," he admitted.

"Life doesn't follow plans, huh?"

"I never does. Doesn't make it any easier, though."

"I'm not even mourning for the child," she said, hardly audible. "Maybe I'm a bad person but I'm mourning for the life we planned. A little bleeding, a few cramps and it's all gone. Whole life wiped out with the reminds of the fetus."

"No, it's not, Sam."

"I don't know who I am, Jack," she said, a little more strength in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Three months ago... I was Major Carter, the perfect little soldier and 2IC. Yes, struggling with some inappropriate feelings for my CO but I had a routine, I had a place in this world."

Jack nodded, knowing there was not much he could say until he heard the rest of this. Sam took a deep breath and thought for a few seconds before she continued.

"Yesterday... I was the go-to geek of the whole SGC. And I was Sam, the mother-to-be and the girlfriend. The woman with a plan. And the plan wrapped around the child."

"Because that's what made this possible, Sam. The child was not the reason we're together, just an excuse." It might sound harsh but it was the truth.

"I don't know who I am when more than half of my life gets wiped out in a few weeks."

"Sam..." he sighed, knowing nothing he said would make her feel any better.

"I... I have this nagging voice at the back of my head. It tells me I didn't want this. Any of this. That I only did this because of the child. That I suppressed a part of myself to become what I needed to be. That this is just a compromise, a plan B. That I'm only settling for this. And I don't want to settle for you, Jack." She raised her head and met his gaze, her eyes pleading him to understand. "Because you're the best thing in my life – and I love you." The last four words were barely a whisper but he read her lips loud and clear before she turned to stare at the coffee table again.

Without hesitation Jack wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"Jack," she sighed and he could hear the tears and frustration in her voice.

"Tomorrow," he whispered. "Tomorrow I'll let you go and you go do whatever you need to do to figure it out." He leaned to kiss the top of her head as he whispered "Tomorrow," one more time and felt her nod against his shoulder. He would do whatever it took to make her happy, no matter how much it hurt him.

Sam swung her legs over his, now sitting sideways on his lap, and buried her face in his chest, breathing in his scent.

"This is not a goodbye," she whispered.

"I know," Jack whispered in her hair and pulled her a little closer. "Just a timeout. But no thoughts about our future tonight. One way or another."

They stayed there, in each other's arms, for a long time. Both of them lost track of time. In the end Jack started to sway her gently from side to side and finally the tears came, the tears she had held inside her for hours, the tears she didn't know she had. And to her surprise, she wasn't crying for the lost future, she was crying for the child, the little life she had harbored inside her. And he held her so close and so tight she had never felt more safe in her whole life. She didn't want him to ever let go but she knew she wouldn't be truly happy with him until she had silenced that little voice inside her. But that was tomorrow, and tonight there was no future. Any other day the thought would have been devastating but today it was a relief.

When the tears eventually ended, Jack reached few tissues from the side table for her. Sam wiped her eyes and cheeks and blew her nose and then snuggled back against him.

"It's getting late," Jack whispered. "Are you tired?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "A little."

"Bed? Or we can just stay here if you wish."

Sam considered the options for a moment. She felt safer here on the couch when he held her like this, his strength surrounding her. But they couldn't stay like this all night. "Bed," she whispered finally.

"If you don't want me close, all you have to do is tell me," Jack said softly, mistaking her silence for hesitation.

Sam snorted. "Do I look like I want you to leave?" she said with a hint of laughter in her voice. She was a mess, clinging to him like he was her lifeline, and he thought she wanted him to go away?

"Just checking," Jack chuckled.

Sam nodded and then untangled her legs from his lap.

A few moments later they were laying on his bed, both clad in Jack's old T-shirts. Sam was laying partly on top of Jack, her head on his chest. His arms were around her, holding her just as tight as he had held her on the couch.

"I think I'll take some time off," she whispered. "Go somewhere."

"Any plans?"

Sam had been expecting a different reaction. Are you sure that's a good idea? or I don't think you should be alone or something else along those lines. It was a relief to realize he knew she wouldn't leave if she couldn't handle it.

"Nope. Just me and my bike."

"Sounds good."

"I'll keep in touch. I don't want you to worry."

"It's alright if you need your distance. I won't feel offended."

She knew he was lying but she appreciated the effort. "Maybe I'll call Daniel then."

"He's gonna go all overprotective big brother, you know."

"Yeah," Sam sighed.

"I can tell them," he whispered when the silence stretched too long. "After you leave."

"No. We'll tell together. Tomorrow," Sam whispered.

"Tomorrow," Jack agreed.

Sam heaved a content sigh and closed her eyes, deciding she might as well stop fighting against the sleep. Tomorrow she would be one day closer to figuring this out.

A/N: Please let me know what you think. This is the first serious Stargate story I publish and your opinion means a lot to me. Did you like it? Hate it?

A/N add 08/14/2011: I've never been through a miscarriage so I can't even start to comprehend how horrible it feels. I don't intentionally diminish or mock anyone's pain and I apologize if someone feels offended by this story.

sgfan2000: I hope you would have left a signed review so I could answer you directly. I appreciate your criticism. However, I disagree about the problem. My thought was that since Sam is a rational person, her first thought would be "what does this change?" before the reality sets in and emotions take over. When it comes to that specific sentence you criticized, it's first and foremost the shock speaking. She does mourn for the loss of the child, she just doesn't know how to.

I made no changes to this chapter but I try to pay attention to dealing with the loss in the later chapters. I hope you read forward because all the chapters are equal parts of this story and might help explain. If you chose not to read further, I apologize for hurting your feelings.

~Nazmuko~