"Listen to your convictions, even if they seem absurd to your reason."
-Egyptian Proverb
She buried her face in her hands. The young officer had been warned many times by her former mentor that her face was an easy one to read, and now Naila felt compelled to hide her visage from the world for fear that some soul might read the story of her shame in her watery red eyes or shaking frame. But she was alone. She always retreated to the isolation of her quarters when she felt any sort of emotional distress beyond the occasional aggravations of treating her patients in the infirmary. Usually, however, she was able to maintain her professionality and put the civilians and patients on the space station ahead of herself.
"But this is different." The doctor thought to herself, holding back tears.
"Why?" Some other, emotionless yet comforting voice from inside was trying to talk her out of her panic. "You've been through worse than this. You got through leaving home and all those fights with father and you've done okay for yourself since then. If nothing else, you've done your best to stick to your values no matter what. Why can't you be as strong now as you were then?"
Naila set her hands down on the arms of her chair and tilted her head back into the soft cushion. "Because I'm used to dealing with my family. I've done it all my life. But I felt safe in the fact that I was doing the right thing even if my parents and brothers weren't always supportive of my decisions." She thought back to the last time she had seen and spoken to her father. It had been seven years since she had left Earth after completing her training with Starfleet Medical. The night before she set out to start her first assignment on the Yamato, father and her had yelled back and forth at each other for an hour. He couldn't understand why she would want to leave her homeworld. He thought that after all the hard work he had put into raising his children, that it was unthinkable that any of them would take off indefinitely as soon as they were given the opportunity. After all, he had tried to argue with her that she could have been a doctor anywhere, it didn't have to be light years away.
Yes, losing her relationship with her father had taken a toll on her, but that was different. Dr. Naila Akkad had worked tirelessly since her first assignment to her current position as co-chief medical officer on Deep Space Nine to advance humanitarian causes, to improve the health system of the Bajoran people, and to expand federation knowledge of xenobiology. She had all the justification she needed to convince herself that her intentions were pure, and in time the wound had largely healed.
"Therein lies the problem." Whispered the devil on her shoulder. "You knew what you did was right then. But can you say that now with the same certainty?" It was a disturbing question, but there was no point in fighting the inevitable. So, with reluctance, Naila allowed the inner debate to play out.
"You're a professional, and your patients, fellow officers, and Commander Sisko would have expected you to live up to your title. You feel like you've broken their trust somehow, and you're ashamed of it. Isn't that all that's happened?" Of course, she was ashamed for making such a complete fool of herself and was paralyzed by the fear that what had happened had already spread amongst the crew by word of mouth. But was that all? Was it just good old-fashioned embarrassment?
"No." she decided. It couldn't be. She had felt humiliation in the past but usually took care not to let it get to her. But this time, the anxiety was rising in her chest like a river about to overflow its banks. She could not tear her mind away from the memory of cool blue reptilian eyes gazing into her hers in the dim light of a hidden room. Try as she might, Naila could not forget the feeling of her fingers running through jet black hair and the pure contentment of listening to his heart beating through his chest.
"Is that wrong though?" Technically not. No one else knew about that part except him. All anyone else knew about was probably just her harmless flirting, if that. It was just the two of them, all alone in the back of empty tailor's shop. "So why are you so disturbed? Is it because he's Cardassian?" Wrong again. The pair had been friends for almost three years now. In fact, he was one of the first people she met after arriving on DS9. She had had no problem walking around the promenade with him or sharing a drink at Quark's, or what have you. Sure, Naila and her companion had gotten nasty looks on occasion, but she had brushed it off. She made no apologies for their friendship.
"Maybe you're thinking about this the wrong way." She decided to entertain the notion.
"Is this about what someone else might think, or what you think about yourself?" Naila was struck by another wave of sheer uncertainty. Was that possibility better or worse? And what would the answer mean for her from this point on?
"You can do this." She promised herself. "Meditate on it for a bit. Maybe you'll figure out what's going on here." It was not as if there was much else to do here in her self-imposed isolation. With a deep sigh, she allowed herself to consider the events of the past two days.