Title: 70 Pound Monster

Rating: G, It's so clean I scare myself.

Pairing: Troy/Ryan

Summary: Troy is so very, very dumb. And Ryan is so very, very pissed. Dialogue only, which is surprisingly difficult for someone who likes talking as much as I do…

"Ryyyaaaannnnnn! Ryanryanryanryan!"

"I'm right here, Troy. What do you- What. The. Hell. Is. That?!"

"This. Ah. Well, this is-"

"A dog. You brought a DOG into my apartment. Are you insane? Do you want me to kill you?!"

"He followed me! And he looked at me with his big brown eyes-"

"You can't even see his eyes! He's a cotton-ball with legs!"

"I know. Isn't he great?"

"No. No! 'Great' is the last word I would use to describe him. Look at him! He's shedding all over my carpet!"

"No, he's not. He doesn't shed. I checked already."

"What, did you grab a chunk of fur and pull?"

"You don't need to make it sound so vicious…"

"Troy! What are you thinking? Are you thinking? Do you ever think?"

"Because I pulled his fur? It wasn't that hard. He didn't even notice…"

"No! Because you brought that thing into my apartment!"

"Our apartment."

"UGH! I can't talk to you."

"Ryan! Look at him. He likes you."

"Then he's not only dirty, he's dumb. I hate him."

"You do not. I can tell."

"I. Do. Not. Like. Him. Take him to the pound, Troy. He's not staying here."

"But Ryan! If I take him to the pound… They'll kill him…"

"Only if no one adopts him."

"Within three days! Do you want to kill this adorable ball of fluff? Do you? You might as well do it yourself if you're going to make me take him to the puppy slaughter house!"

"And people tell me I'm the dramatic one."

"I won't do it."

"He can't live in a high rise, Troy. He'd hate it here."

"He loves it. He's already at home."

"Ah! Get off my couch! Off! OFF!"

"Be nice to him! He's just a puppy."

"I will not be nice to the dog. He probably has fleas and all sorts of nasty diseases."

"I got flea wash."

"I suppose you already have a collar and food, too."

"…"

"Troy! You didn't even ask me first!"

"You weren't there when I found him."

"Hello? Cell phone?"

"Oh. Right. My bad."

"Garrhhhh!"

"Ryan, stop hitting your head on the wall. Come on, babe, he's not that bad. Look, he's cute and lovable."

"He's a seventy pound monster."

"He is not. He can't weight more than 25 pounds. And just look at him. Look in his big brown eyes and tell him you don't like him."

"I don't like you."

"No, not me! The dog."

"Well, right now you two are pretty interchangeable."

"Uncalled for."

"You deserve it. You can sleep on the couch with that."

"So we can keep him?"

"No."

"But you just said…"

"One night. He can stay one night and then you're finding somewhere else for him to live."

"Ryan…"

"Don't 'Ryan' me. He's too big and smelly. I don't want him here."

"He is not big. I carried him up the stairs and, you do too want him here."

"No, I don't."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too, do too, do too, do too!"

"What, are you five?"

"I won."

"I don't care, Troy. He's not staying."

"Please?"

"Oh, now you ask nicely."

"No, really, Ryan, please?"

"Troy…"

"I always wanted a dog when I was kid, but my mom said no. She had allergies. I got a goldfish instead. Pickles. He died the next day. My cousin told me that everything I touch dies… I couldn't pet any animals for years afterwards…"

"Maybe it's best for the dog if you send it away…"

"Ryan!"

"Oh, Troy, you know I don't mean that."

"You mean we can keep him?"

"NO."

"Ryan… Ryan, please? How often do I ask you for anything?"

"Oh, don't even pull that one, Troy!"

"…"

"No puppy dog faces! That's not fair. Hey! What are you doing on my accent pillow?!"

"Shh! He's sleeping… Aw, Ryan, look how cute he is."

"He is kind of- No! No, Troy, I'm not falling for this."

"Just look at him Ryan. His big floppy ears… His big snoopy nose…"

"Troy…"

"I know you want him…"

"I. Do. Not."

"Okay, Ryan. Whatever you say."

"Aw, he's nuzzling the pillow."

"…"

"Don't smile at me like that!"

"…"

"No, Troy. No. No dog."

"…"

"Maybe we could keep him for awhile. Just to see if it could work out."

"…"

"I said yes, okay! Stop looking at me like that!"

"I knew you'd love him."

"I think you're just lucky I love you. And Troy?"

"Hmm?"

"You're still sleeping on the couch tonight."

I wrote this instead of writing the 53 journal entries I need for my English 101 class on Tuesday. Yay procrastination! This hasn't been beta'd, so let me know what mistakes you find. If it's so awful it makes everyone die, I'll remove it, fix it, and try again (promise). Just let me know!

Nikki