My first crack!fic. One-shot. The plot bunny rabidly attacked me last night, and I had to get this out. It's probably the strangest pairing I've ever thought to write about… Tseng/Cait Sith (with Reeve controlling him from a dark room, bwahaha). Hilarity ensues as Tseng finds himself alone with the robot. I'm giving myself bonus points for using the line "There you go!" from Advent Children.

I do not own the characters, this is just for fun, you know the drill.

Reeve was not having a good day. For starters, he had yet another argument with Scarlet, which always put him in a bad mood. Then, the coffee maker in the Shinra break room broke, thanks to Reno and his terrible coffee-making skills. To top it off, he hadn't been laid in well over a month. Sexually frustrated and angry to boot, he locked himself in the security room. No one else was present, and for that, he was thankful. The room was dark and cool. He sat down in a chair in front of the main security monitor and watched dully as random people came through the main entrance of the building. Flipping through the camera feeds, he hoped to find something interesting going on.

There had been several occasions when he had come across Rude and Reno fucking each other in what they thought was the privacy of the Turks main office. On second thought, maybe they knew the camera was on and just didn't care. Regardless, he had watched in rapture - Gaia, they were like animals. It was certainly something he would have loved to see a repeat of, but he knew that the two virile Turks were out on a mission at the moment.

Camera Four pointed directly into the supplies closet below him on the fifth floor. It had been put in place after it was found that supplies were going missing, and it was causing Shinra to lose money from having to constantly replace items. They had not yet caught the bandit. He was about to switch camera feeds when he saw Tseng enter the closet. What's this? Surely he was not ripping the company off. Reeve watched carefully, but saw nothing of interest… then, his heart jumped into his throat as he saw Tseng open the large cardboard box that held Reeve's invention: Cait Sith. The robotic stuffed cat was attached to a large, white moogle. He had built it to spy on AVALANCHE. At the moment, it sat in the box until it was time to put it to good use.

"What in Shiva…?" Tseng mumbled as he ripped open the sides of the box. Packing peanuts tumbled out onto the floor, and he chuckled at the sight of the large moogle. Inspecting it from all sides, an idea came to his mind. He opened the door and quickly glanced about him. Not seeing anyone, he closed the door again and locked it from the inside. He rubbed his palms together and pulled the robot toward the middle of the room. He seemed to hesitate, then loosened his necktie a bit. Reeve watched in awe as Tseng proceeded to drop his pants and jiggle the zipper open at the back of the robot.

"You won't say no to me, will you? Rufus said no, but you won't," Tseng said as he stroked his cock. Reeve's mouth was open in shock as he watched, and felt a familiar tightening in his pants. Seeing Tseng like this was too much for him. He had always wanted to fuck Tseng's brains out and see the man go crazy. Always cool, calm and composed, Tseng was the quiet type who rarely stepped out of line. But seeing him stroke himself, not knowing he was being watched, was such a thrill for Reeve. He quickly locked the door of the security room and returned to the chair. Flipping a switch on the remote that he kept in his pocket to control Cait Sith, he watched as Tseng jerked in surprise as the robot seemed to come to life. He waited with baited breath as he patiently awaited Tseng's further reaction.

"Helloooo!" Reeve said into the controller, his voice masked through the robot with a Scottish accent. He covered the microphone and snickered as he watched Tseng back away from the white form.

"Uh, hello," Tseng said, confused at first, and pretty shocked.

Reeve kept things rolling for Tseng. "That's a pretty big cock you have there! Whatcha gonna dooooo with it?" Reeve covered the microphone again and laughter burst from his mouth as tears rolled down his face, then stopped abruptly when he saw Tseng mess with the robot's zipper again and began to stroke his cock to hardness once more. A moment later, Reeve found himself breathing hard and stroking himself through his pants as Tseng pushed his cock into a small opening that he had made with the zipper and began to fuck the poor robot.

Reeve flipped a switch on the controller to activate the robot's slot machine sounds and waited for Tseng to react. It made Tseng stifle a laugh, for as he pumped in and out of the robot, it sounded like a long drunken night he had spent gambling at the Gold Saucer a few weeks ago. Reeve shoved his hand down his pants and began to stroke in time with Tseng's strokes. He was thoroughly enjoying this little game. Every once in a while, he was turn the microphone back on and shout encouragement through Cait Sith. The robotic black cat would screech out a line here or there: "GOLLY, YER' SO BIG!" Then, as he watched Tseng's face for his rupturing orgasm, Reeve spoke one more time into the microphone.

"THERE YOU GOOOOOOO!"

Tseng grunted and with a last push, he came in the large robot to the sound of DING DING DING DING DING! Reeve had completed his release as well, his hand coated in cum. He cleaned himself up and watched as Cait Sith began to spark and smoke. A metal spring flew out of the moogle's mouth and clattered to the floor. "Shit," he heard Tseng say as he hitched his pants up quickly and tried to shove the robot back into its box. He grabbed a roll of tape to quickly patch the box up where he had ripped it open earlier. Straightening his tie, he quickly exited the closet, leaving Reeve satiated and doubled over in laughter, his head spinning with an orgasmic hangover. He pocketed the controller and knew that he'd have to repair poor Cait Sith later.

As he reached his hand to unlock the door and slip quietly from the security room, he was startled by a pounding on the door. Opening it slowly, he came face to face with Tseng, who held the robot's spring out to him.

"You might need this to make the proper repairs."

With a calm and collected nod, Tseng turned his back to Reeve and began to walk away, not saying another word. Reeve's mouth was open in shock. Tseng had known.

He snickered quietly to himself as Tseng reached the elevator, a trail of packing peanuts falling silently from his pants legs. Turning, Tseng looked at Reeve and spoke.

"Next time, you should just come down there yourself. That Scottish accent sucks."