I am feeling really guilty about this. I would be throwing away Tobias' trust, and that's that last thing I want to do. Why am I doing this? Right... To stop Jeanine.
The pit of guilt in me grows as I weave through the tall buildings of Chicago. I approach a large one, some building in Abnegation. Before I know it, I'm slipping through the front doors and heading toward the back staircase leading to the rooftop. The staircase door is unlocked, and I begin making my way to the roof.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm going to the roof. Maybe it's just to clear my head, maybe it's something else. I don't really know...
After a few minutes, I am standing in front of the door outside. I figure that maybe I was here to clear my head. Nobody would be out there. It's the one good place to think in peace.
The evening sky is beautiful. The golden orange colour of the sunset drifts in between the glass windows of the buildings in Erudite, casting a soft glow across my face.
I wish I could take a moment to admire how serene the factions looked. It appeared as though there was no conflict happening at all. But there was way too much going through my mind.
I was going to betray Tobias. I was going to go behind his back, and make alternative plans; with his father, no less.
I know how much he hates his father. I hate him as well. That's what is making this all so much worse. Out of everyone to ally with, it had to be Marcus. The guilt was overwhelming me.
That wasn't the only thing buzzing through my head, unfortunately. There was also the whole Caleb thing.
How the hell could he do that? I knew he took the "faction before blood" oath seriously, but serious enough that he was willing to send a family member to their death; simply because their faction leader said so? Family is all we have in this world.
I know I made the choice choosing Dauntless, but it still killed me to leave my parents. Hell, it killed me to leave my brother! Despite the urge to stay with them, I wanted to choose my own path. And now I can't do anything about it. I miss my parents; so, incredibly much. They sacrificed themselves so we could live, and I can never thank them enough.
That's another thing that is pissing me off. Our parents died for BOTH of us. They gave us both the chance to do something with the rest of our lives. And Caleb is taking this chance for granted. He could have done what was right and what our parents would have wanted and fight alongside us; instead, he followed Jeanine like a mindless drone.
I was focusing so much on my thoughts that I never noticed that the sun had set, and the stars were shining in the sky.
Because Dauntless and Abnegation were mostly empty, the lights in the city weren't nearly as bright as usual. The stars were shining brighter, but the full moon was casting a magnificent glow across the paved rooftop.
Finally my head was starting to clear; mainly because I was able to focus my thoughts on something else. Such as the beauty of the sky.
I sat on the ledge of the building for hours. The moon was now at the centre of the sky. I probably should have headed back to the houses by now. Actually it probably wasn't the best idea to come here without giving any information to the others as to where I would be. But I needed to get away. At least now I feel like I can breathe again.
It's been so quiet, so I could immediately recognize the shuffling of feet on the ground below. The building wasn't extremely tall, so I could hear some muffled voices as well.
I look over the side and see two figures on the paved streets. Christina and Tobias. Christina gestures to the building I am in, and to the building opposite of me, and Christina runs to the front door of my building.
I knew I should have started to head down, but I wanted to have one more moment of peace to myself. It felt better not obsessing over my deal with Marcus.
The building beside me had its staircase directly behind the windows, so I saw Tobias running from floor to floor. I'm guessing that Christina is about as high as he is; which was almost at the rooftop.
I sit, and I wait. I knew eventually they would both arrive on the roves. It was just a matter of time.
The silence hung in the air for several minutes more, than I hear the shuffling of someone running up stairs. I sigh, and look up to the sky once again.
The door flies open, and Christina comes bursting through. She looks around for a second, and then her gaze rests on me. A look of surprise crosses her face, followed by relief, then frustration.
She starts throwing questions at me. Why was I here? Did I know how late it was? How long it took them to find me. Then she shouts something and I turn to see Tobias looking over at her from the other rooftop. He immediately turns and runs back into the building.
Turns out it was 1am. I had left at 7 the night before. She and Tobias had been searching the city since 10. This made me feel awful. I hadn't wanted to make them worry. Great, now I feel guilty about something else.
I wouldn't tell Christina anything, no matter how much she insisted. We simply sat in silence until Tobias burst through the stairway door.
He saw me, and ran over. I stood up, and he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me so tight it was almost difficult to breathe. I cringe as I think that he must have thought I tried to leave like I had the might I went to Erudite. He thought I might have been dead. Cueing guilt for the second time...
He pulls away, and starts asking questions like Christina. I try to avoid eye contact because I couldn't bear the thought of facing him right now. The guilt was slowly becoming too much for me to handle.
I answered no questions, I gave no responses. I just kind of walked away and headed towards the stairs. They both called my name, and I simply kept walking. They caught up, and we walked back to the houses in silence. There were times on the walk where I wanted to admit everything to Tobias, but I just couldn't.
Marcus and I had made the plan for a reason. We have to stop Jeanine. It may feel terrible, but deep down, I know it's our last option to win this war.