Disclaimer - don't own 'em, don't sue me.
Spoilers - the series ender of Angel
Warnings - character death (duh)
Cold
Angel is once again the martyr and I the betrayer.
How very biblical. cold
At first the choice to use me as the back stabber didn't entirely make sense to me. But now it's perfectly clear. I mean I've already done it once.
Yes, I remember, though I feel I shouldn't. I remember Connor, how I took him. blame I remember my throat being slit and Angel trying to kill me in the hospital. I don't know exactly why I remember, but I do.
It all makes sense now, the looks, the awkward and strangely cold silences, the feeling that somehow Angel knew something I didn't. I was Judas all along and didn't know it.
I can't imagine what it must have been like for him. so cold To look your child's kidnapper in the face everyday and know that your anger is misplaced, that you are no longer faced with the man who took your little boy. To be the only one forgiven burdened with memories in a world struck with selective amnesia; to have to pretend nothing had happened.
I can't imagine.
I wonder if Angel ever really forgave me my transgression, if any of them did. Will I go to my grave with their blame? I remember Fred telling me not to come back to the hotel, was she protecting me, or was she repulsed by me?
I remember my heart hardening, healing blood against further pain like the scar that marred my neck. I remember erecting shields to keep people out, to protect my emotions. Shields that ironically shut off the very emotions I was trying to protect.
Lilah, I remember her and the "relationship" we had. Really just two lost souls pain finding each other in the absence of their real desires.
I remember becoming cold - to my friends, to the world.
How I changed. It's amazing what a moment in time can change. love Change me into an almost unrecognizable shadow of my former naïve self, then magickly change me back by some spell. Some bargain I'm sure Angel arranged though how I know that is a mystery.
It's very cold now. Albeit a different kind of cold than what I've been recently. Ironic isn't it that just as I began to warm up after Angel hit the figurative reset button, the cold has come back.
My warmth is leaving me with my life's blood. Funny, I could have sworn a blade to the gut would hurt much worse...
How...Fred's here. Oh Fred, I've missed you so much, I thought you were gone...be with you now, yes. no pain, I love you, cold, so cold. Fred, Fred...
Am I forgiven?
End
sorry, this is so much like my other fics, I just figured I'd post it anyway.