Note: I began this story before DH came out, and restarted it about a month ago, and didn't feel like integrating all of the new canon into it. Therefore, I suppose it counts as an AU.
Harry glared at the unfolded map of the Wizarding World that lay across the table in front of him. He was at the moment sitting in the Great Hall, trying to find out where the hell Godric's Hollow was. He had felt a bit stupid when over the summer, he had boldly strode off into the sunset of Little Whinging on his quest, only to find that he was utterly lost within an hour. So much for a grand exit. In any event, he had decided to postpone his journey until he had at least a vague idea of where he was going.
Harry had only arrived at school three days ago, but he thought that he should have had more success than he had had by now. It made him angry to think that his parents' graves should be so obscure. There should be a monument, and maybe a park. He resolved to amend this when Voldemort had been defeated. There would be statues, and commemorative plaques, and a football field, and a nice walk-through tour of the house….
"You know, Harry, I've been thinking," came Hermione's voice from behind him. "The reason you can't find it is because Wormtail is still…er…Secret-Keeping it."
Harry blinked and rose from his reverie, which now included a small theme park. "Oh, yes, I expect that's it. I should have thought of that before now."
"But you didn't, obviously, because I'm the only one who bothers to think about things around here," said Hermione, somehow managing to blend arrogance, contempt, and condescension into one tone, which saved time.
Then, Ginny sat down beside Harry at the breakfast table.
The Great Hall was filled with a glorious floral scent that wasn't oppressive at all. The sun shone brighter, illuminating the subtle golden threads running through her mane of fiery tresses. Harry found himself momentarily lost in twin seas of rich, chocolate brown. Deep within himself, he felt his chest monster-affectionately christened Sparky by Ginny-awaken.
"Oh, really," snapped Hermione. "I don't know why you insist on doing that every morning, intelligence is far more important than transient physical beauty."
"It doesn't matter what I look like," answered Ginny lazily. "I have a charming personality, a wonderful sense of humor, and I've completely wallpapered my room with newspaper clippings of Harry. What more could anyone want in a girl?"
"Absolutely nothing, Ginny," Harry said with the confidence of someone speaking quietly in a deserted room. Ginny smirked.
The rest of the school that dared attend this year trickled in slowly. The three tables barring Slytherin had a handful of people each, while at Slytherin there was only one second year. Every so often someone threw a shoe at him. He merely hunched his shoulders and loathed his progressive parents.
When everyone had arrived that was going to, Headmistress McGonagall rose from her seat at the High Table. Already quiet, the Great Hall fell still save for the occasional thump from the Slytherin table.
"Good morning, students," she began. "It seems that not all of us were able to attend the Sorting on Friday. Today, we greet a few new girls who have joined us late due to personal dilemmas. I hope that you will be as courteous to them as you are to your present classmates." There was a yelp as the second year was hit by an unexpected stiletto-heeled boot. "Now, give a warm welcome to…er…."
A girl stepped out in front of McGonagall, seemingly from nowhere. "Snape," she said in a cool, low voice that nevertheless penetrated every corner of the awestruck room. "Cassiopeia Siria Dracine Rhea Black-Snape. My friends call me Black Kitten, though."
Her shoulder-length hair was black, with purple and black highlights. Harry had never seen black highlights on black hair before, and felt slightly nauseous when he looked at them. He forbore to comment on her attire, which consisted of more jewelry than actual clothing. Anorexic girls, he thought, shouldn't wear leather or fishnets. That kind of thing only looks good if they're tight, not draping. The multiple silver nose rings drew attention to her hook like nose, too.
A blond girl stepped out from behind Black Kitten. "Hey, there! I'm Ashley Malfoy. I bet you all know my cousin, Draco. Hot guy, 'bout this tall, kisses like he was gettin' paid to do it. Well, his dad didn't like that he paid all that tuition without anyone getting an education out of it, so here's me! I know you're all real nice, he told me so when he was visiting us in America. 'Cept for that Potter kid, always picking on the little guy. Say!" she exclaimed as McGonagall gently tried to shoo her away. "Which one of you's him? I told Draco I'd beat the snot out of that bastard if I ever saw him, where's he at?"
Ashley lost the crowd's attention when the last girl wheeled herself out. "And I…am Salazaria Riddle. I don't need to tell anyone who I'm related to…do I?"
"The ellipses gave her away," Harry whispered to Hermione.
"What's wrong with you, Harry?" she hissed back. "Can't you see she's disabled?"
Salazaria Riddle was seated in a wheelchair. She was dressed in the standard Hogwarts robes, which did not hide the fact that she had no legs. She did, however, have a massive green snake tail, which sort of made up for it. Students sitting very close to the front of the Great Hall could see a set of braces trying to corral an impressive pair of fangs into line with the rest of her teeth. They had green rubber bands on them.
Up by the High Table, Black Kitten was throwing a very subdued tantrum. "…won't stop itching, hated that man anyway, my nose is throbbing and I can't breathe with this corset on!" she mumbled into her hair. "This was such an awful idea. We never do anything fun. You let Lucius wear trousers because you like him better than me. I have a migraine and abdominal cramps. My feet hurt in these stupid, stupid boots. I hate everything."
"Come now, Severus," whispered the girl currently known as Salazaria. "Lucius gets to wear trousers because he is playing the part of some country simpleton. You, on the other hand, have been cast as the darkly mysterious outcast. You would hardly be much happier in checkered flannel and denim. As for the rest, I suggest you get the fuck over yourself. I might also remind you that you, at least, have legs...for the time being.
"Minerva," she added. "There will be no need for Sorting. I am confident that we all shall be happy to reside in Gryffindor house."
McGonagall pursed her lips. "I must insist that you call me 'Professor' or 'Headmistress' during you stay here. If all of you are in agreement, however, you may seat yourselves at the Gryffindor table."
"As you say, Professor Minerva. Cassiopeia, Ashley, come." Salazaria led the procession down and positioned herself beside Harry. "Good evening, Potter. You will be good enough to be my guide during my first few days at the castle, I trust."
"Er, sure," said Harry. "You, um, you wouldn't happen to, you know-"
"Be the daughter of the Dark Lord and his beloved serpent Nagini? Of course I am. Being such a tolerant person, however, I am sure that you are perfectly accepting of this, indeed, you are probably eager to make sure that I do not follow in my father's footsteps." Salazaria pronounced with a trace of smugness.
Shit, thought Harry, who had been secretively drawing his wand. There goes Plan A.
"Oh, yeah, definitely," he assured her. "But I don't know how my beautiful, feisty girlfriend is going to take me being around another girl."
"Oh? And what does that make me, Harry?"
"Ron's mum."
Ginny, who had been preoccupied glaring at the Malfoy relative, broke her concentration to laugh at Harry's put-down. Then the conversation that had been taking place seeped into her consciousness, and she rounded on Salazaria Riddle.
"Is that a snake tail? That's so weird! And what's with that name, Salazaria? Maybe we should call you Sally!" Ginny laughed again, this time at her own wit.
"If you call me Sally, I will kill you and everyone dear to you, slowly and creatively!" Salazaria beamed. She hadn't lost her social skills, even after all these years.
"Harry, are you going to stand for this?" Ginny demanded. "This snake-girl just threatened me!"
"Ginny, you're being so insensitive! Can't you see that this poor girl's locomotive differences have made her defensive and bitter? We should be supportive and accepting of her, not hostile and reactive. Tell her, Ron!"
"What?" murmured Ron, who was sitting across from Ashley and completely entranced by her cleavage, being A Regular Dumb Guy. Harry didn't really understand Ron's fascination with breasts, ass, and the like. He never thought about Ginny that way, though of course this was not because her breasts and ass were inferior. He was just too chivalrous to be genuinely physically attracted to her. That's the ticket.
Meanwhile, Cassiopeia silently hated the world. Of course everyone was paying attention to the other two. Lucius looked all pretty and Voldemort was too obnoxious to ignore. Nobody wanted to talk to or mentally undress the ugly one that was too shy to interrupt. Nothing ever changed.
"I've had it! I'm not going to sit here and be insulted by some should-be Slytherin mutant! And shame on you, Harry, for not sticking up for me! Boyfriends are supposed to protect their fragile little beauties, and shield them from harm!
"Come on, new friend, we're leaving!" And with that, Cassiopeia was dragged off in the direction of Gryffindor Tower.
Salazaria turned back to Harry. "Good riddance. Now that you are romantically unattached, you are free to become my soul mate."
"Soul mate? What?" Harry was still reeling from the speed with which he had been dumped.
"Yes. You are to be my boyfriend and fall in love with me. Can you not feel the mystical connection between us? We are obviously destined for each other." Hermione nodded encouragingly at him.
"Sure. I guess."
Cassiopeia carefully applied a second coat of scarlet nail polish to Ginny's right pinkie. Ginny let all her friends paint her nails for her, she had been told. Ginny had lots of friends, not just Luna and the trio. She just never spent any time with them or talked about them. She only let herself be seen with Luna because the poor girl needed someone to take pity on her. Out of the pure goodness of her heart, she also let Luna do her homework and help her on tests.
Cassiopeia was duly impressed. She was reminded nostalgically of how Lily Evans used to let her help her with Potions. What a generous soul, to share her presence with others!
"I like you already, Cassi," said Ginny after some time. "You admire me and have no self respect. You're not like Hermione, who's all 'Ooooh, look at me, I'm smart! Ha! Like that means anything in a girl. If I hadn't seen how pretty she was at the Yule Ball, I'd definitely hate her. Why don't you run down to the kitchens and get me a mai tai? There's a good girl."
"I like you, Ashley. I like you a lot." Ron was terrified that Hermione might somehow hear, but so far he hadn't said anything incriminating. Not that that would save him, he reflected sadly.
"Gee, Ron, that's real sweet of you! I think you're swell, too. Why don't we go over by those greenhouses?" Ashley winked at him.
"N-no, I can't! What if Hermione finds out? She'll castrate me!" His voice cracked as he imagined Hermione looming out of the darkness.
"Well, I guess I'll break her teeth. I don't like it when some girl's passive-aggression keeps me from gettin' some," she said, and smiled at him. As Ron pelted towards the greenhouses, she allowed herself a small cackle.
Salazaria was not finding her quarry as eager. Harry didn't want to show her the Astronomy Tower, or the lakefront, or any dark, abandoned classrooms. She wondered if it was the tail. She could fix the tail, had only added it for effect and added vulnerability. She could get rid of her teeth too, and she told him so.
"That's nice," he said politely.
"Other than those small details, I believe my physical appearance to be more than acceptable," she said somewhat nervously. She had never needed to seduce a man before. Either you used the Imperius Curse or you brought out the manacles: flirting never really entered into the action.
"I guess," Harry sighed. He was a little disappointed that Ginny hadn't brought him the special coffee she brewed herself. He found that he missed that peculiarly addictive espresso significantly more than he missed the girl who usually brought it to him.
"It is a beautifully sultry and velvety evening, Harry Potter. As you gaze from the night skies to me, you might be moved to speak a few words about my eyes. Merely a suggestion, of course." Salazaria twisted around in her wheelchair and glared at Harry, who felt rather attacked.
"Er, if you like. Your eyes. Your eyes are, um-"A thought dropped into his head. "They're like onyx gems set into flawless ivory!" he exclaimed.
"Very good. If you would continue…?"
Even more words lined up inside of Harry's skull. "Your hair is silk, the color of exquisite sin, glimmering under the light of malicious stars. The diamond brightness of your glance wounds me like a dagger edged with some potent opiate, bringing pleasures unknown even as it delves deeper within me, exposing-"his lyricism was cut short by a slap across the face. Harry goggled as for the first time he actually bothered to look at Salazaria's tearstained face.
"You bastard! You're just saying all that because I'm putting it in your head. You don't mean any of it. Ginny was right about you, you don't care about anyone but yourself!" With that, she wheeled herself away.
Salazaria brooded in the darkened common room. Nobody loved her, and nobody ever had. Severus had been right; this plot to win back the lost shard of his soul was ridiculous. She ought to give him a raise, or at least start paying him. She resolved to borrow the money from Lucius at the next opportunity.
She pondered for a moment Lucius' behavior, which had been entirely too enthusiastic for comfort. Possibly he was simply eager to bring ruin upon the Weasleys, but the girl formerly known as Voldemort felt it was more likely that he was just being camp. She didn't care much at the moment.
At that moment she hurriedly stuffed her used Kleenexes between the couch cushions, for she heard the portrait door opening. She arranged her face into an expression of cold haughtiness, then lit her wand.
"Turn of the brights, Sally sweetie," giggled Ashley, who was being carried in the arms of Rom Weasley. "Some of us are tryin' to be sneaky, donchaknow." Her American accent was slipping.
A bushy headed figure loomed out of a dark corner. "I waited up for you," said Hermione Granger in tones that made even Salazaria shudder.
Ron dropped his blond in a heap and began sputtering like a car engine on a cold morning. Hermione's expression did not change. Instead, she began drawing her wand. Ron whimpered.
Just then, Ashley cried aloud some dreadful, unpronounceable-by-the-mortal-tongue syllables. There was a single note, like a harp being idly plucked, and Hermione collapsed into a small pile of dust. All present stared at it.
"Malfoy," spoke Salazaria after some time. "I was not aware that you knew the Curse of Unmaking, nor that you would have the temerity to use it."
"Stand by your man," was all the response she had.