"Oh, bloody hell," James whispered.
Sirius looked up from his book. "It's Lily who's having the baby, not you," he said, frowning.
"Yes, but – oh, you're too immature," James snapped. "Leave me alone."
Sirius pouted. "Well," Remus interjected carefully. "It's not like you're going to be having a baby any time soon."
"Oh, Christ, of course he's not going to be having a baby!" James roared. "He's a guy!"
"Thank you for that clarification," Sirius said quietly. "Where's Wormtail, anyway?"
"Helping himself to more of those butter cookies they had at the reception," Remus said quickly.
"And Lily is in there in extreme pain and hating everybody," James finished, and slumped into a chair.
"Good, now that we know where everybody is…let's...PARTY!" Sirius yelled.
"Not. Really," James growled through gritted teeth.
"Hello! I am the scary marshmellow!" Peter said, happily chewing on a biscuit.
"Christ al-fucking- mighty, would you just shut up," Sirius said, unimpressed.
Peter had the grace to look hurt. "How's Lily doing?" he asked timidly.
"She's doing fine," Remus said. "Absolutely fine." He put a hand on James' shoulder. "I think you'll have a child in about half an hour."
"What? I'm completely unprepared! Do you think I should go commit suicide, or something?" James wailed.
Sirius groaned. "Is that a question? How about the fact that Lily is having the baby, not you? Perhaps we should take that fact into consideration, eh?" James frowned. Lily's muffled scream was heard.
"Oh, God," James breathed, and passed out. Remus rolled his eyes. Peter went to get more cookies. Sirius started reading Seventeen.