Title: Akogare wa, tada hitori, ore no purinsesu...
Summary: My longing is for only one person, my precious princess... set a few years after episode 200 of Sailor Moon. Seiya came back for a visit, but can't seem to bring 'him'self to even say a simple hello to the one he loved. So, on a Christmas afternoon, he stands outside Usagi's house...wondering what it would be like.
Warnings AKA if -you-don't-like-then-don't-read corner: One-shot. One-sided love. You could call it 'yuri' if you wanted. Set in future of the anime- not manga- so to the manga it would probably be AU. Semi-tragic, but not death involved.
I own nothing. But it would be awesom is I did.
A/N: The ending sort of sucks. Yes, I am aware of this. I just did my best to keep Seiya in-character.
The winter wind ripped at his normally well-groomed looking hair. He wished he could gather enough courage to go talk to her. To even ring the door bell and just say 'Hi'. 'Merry Christmas'. Some thing. Some thing other than standing here.
It was the wind that was turning his cheeks bright red, as well as the tip of his nose, making him look rather laughable. "So, I didn't say 'hello' to you after all..." he said to himself. In the end, he hadn't been able to gather up his courage to give her his last Christmas gift- the rose that he was gently clutching in his hand to avoid being pricked by one of it's thorns. He couldn't bare to see her now. To see her now, after these three years, too much had happened to his heart. He'd experienced the chain of love and loss. And she was his first. Still, she'd be his last. His love for her would follow him to his grave, and in his next life...perhaps the two of them would be destined.
"Mamoru-san..." he began to whisper to himself, as though he were speaking to her. "seems like a very nice guy." But it wasn't him. It simply wasn't himself who could feel her warmth, to be reassured by her independence that she actually wanted to stay with him.
Independence. Hah. That's a laugh. Perhaps he should be angrier with her- after all, she had so readily accepted her fate with Mamoru and built her cement-strong relationship with him with out considering any one else. Because it was in her past life, and she thought that she should. That she needed to. But really, did she want to stay with him? Or was her love for him nothing but a projected illusion, created by her desire to desire him- 'as she should'?
Perhaps the legacy of Tuxedo Mask and Queen Selenity would carry on throughout the ages, and Seiya would always be left on the outside looking in. Or perhaps, in their next life, Seiya would reach her first. Perhaps she would first fall in love with him, and question- at least question- the centuries long romance she'd had with him. He would be happy, even if she'd merely questioned it. Beause then he'd know that he'd had his chance, and perhaps he could move on- knowing that it had been a fair fight that he had lost. In Seiya's mind, centuries was far too long a romance. It was time to change. To expand. To create a new destiny for the next century, and then move on. Then again, Seiya was all about the future.
Or was it simply because he was selfishly longing to be with her? He didn't know. Perhaps it was a bitterness created from being forced to the outside, and not understanding the thoughts going on on the inside.
"I hope you liked my gifts..." he murmured to himself. He had given her a couple other things, things that he'd snuck under her tree. He signed neither of them, didn't send a card in them, nothing. Because then she would know. In the first box was a necklace, made of pure silver, with a large, round diagem charm. He didn't know why he'd chosed diagem, other than the fact that it suited her. The other was an eternity ring, with emerald gems. He knew that Yaten and Taiki had given her some thing too, but he didn't know what- both of them had gone inside to celebrate Christmas with the 'earth-dwellers', as the Starlights didn't celebrate Christmas on their home planet.
With out realizing it, he'd clenched a fist aroung the rose. He made a grunt, and accidently released it- and the wind quickly took it away. He sighed as he watched the half-wilted rose be swept up by the wind and cruelly thrust away. He watched it until it disappeared, and his expression turned to a bitter smile. "I wasn't going to give it to her any ways..." he sighed. "There will be more pretty flowers in spring..." he sighed, thinking that perhaps he'd return in spring and give it to her. But the winter, he thought, was better. Some thing about a flower in winter just grasped his romantic side, though he really couldn't fathom why.
"Good bye, rose." he sighed defeatedly. It just felt like the rose had wanted to leave him, he couldn't hold it back. His eyes were suddenly fixed on the front door of the house. Half of him wished that some one would open the door and invite him in, but if they did, he doubted he'd even accept. He'd probably say some thing like; 'No thanks, I'm really not fascinated by that sort of thing. I'm just taking a walk- see you!'.
But why couldn't he just walk up there? Seiya had never been at a loss for courage before. He was a rebel, a thinker, an independent mind. He didn't care what others thought of him- all of those people, accept the one he loved. First, it was Kakyuu. Now, it was Usagi. The moon princess. He couldn't go because...because he wanted to so badly.
It may seem like a strange reason, but to Seiya's logic, it really wasn't. He wanted to see her so badly, to say 'Hello' to her, to embrace her, to find out if she liked his gifts. To see if she was really happy. But he knew...he knew that if he embraced her, his motives- his thoughts- his reasoning- they wouldn't be returned. No. He couldn't go. He couldn't stand to see her again. Not now. It was too soon for his aching heart.
He couldn't help thinking about it. What if her answer had been 'Yes' that day? What if she had done what he wanted- and just crawled in to his arms and cried? And shortly after fell asleep from exhaustion? What if she'd found him, the next morning in her room, and made a comical scene with her naive confusion? What if Mamoru hadn't been killed at all, but had rather made a mistake and lost her address? And couldn't call due to long distance?
Would she love him? Could she have loved him then? Well, one thing's for sure- he didn't know. He just simply couldn't picture it in his mind, the thoughts running through her head- the questions she'd ask- and perhaps it was better that way. But he did know that she only wanted the best for him. What she didn't know was that the best thing for him was her- to have his love returned. But in this lifetime...perhaps that love was supposed to be one-sided. Perhaps he was just one of fate's obstacles, used to test her love each time she went back to him. It was a cruel thought, but if you thought about it- you'd understand it better. Fate seemed to be the Ultimate, the God, the one thing that ruled this earth. Fate was the thing that every one went chasing after, the thing that they thought would make them happy. But in the end, the only thing Fate led to was death.
Death...and then rebirth. To do it all over again. To be tortured again, left out on the sidelines again, left in confusion again and perhaps never know. That was a fate which was truly worse than hell. Or, perhaps when Fate's secret was discovered, it would plunge you in to the depths of hell to avoid being caught. Information. Some say it's the key to the future, the key to your happiness, the key to your freedom. Seiya said that it was the lock that kept you stuck in the past, the lock that kept you tied down and frustrated, the lock that kept you bound. After all, it's not until a child learns the law of gravity until he or she forgets the dream of flying on his or her own. To Seiya, it made sense- and Seiya's sense of logic was the only one he cared about.
Perhaps he was selfish. Maybe even a little too self-centered. He didn't try to be, but that was simply who he was. He wouldn't know if that was how he was born to be or not, and that wasn't the part that he cared about. "Omedetou kurishimasu." he sighed softly, attempting to say 'Merry Christmas." Finally, he just smiled givingly and turned to walk away, two tears falling down his cheeks. His love would be for her, always and forever. His love would remain true to her, just as much as hers did to Mamoru. "I'll never forget you." he sighed, repeating what he'd said before. Of course, maybe that wasn't exactly what he meant. Perhaps what he meant was some thing more like; 'I'll never forget my feelings for you'.
"I'm sorry..." he murmured, kicking up the snow. "that I'm not honest." he said, taking a step to walk away. It wasn't until then that he realized how cold he was. Had he been shivering like that the whole time? "Damn it." he growled to himself. If there was one day he hated from now on, it was Christmas. More tears controlled his face. He attempted to keep them back by shutting his eyes, but that didn't work.
Then the door slammed open. "Seiya, it's time to---" Yaten began, being cut off by Taiki's gasp;
"Seiya--!" if there was one thing Seiya never did, it was cry. His face suddenly snapped up. The tears stopped, and he forced the pleasant, goofy grin that he normally had.
"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late," he said, trying to make it seem like he'd just gotten there. "I..." oh god. Think of some thing quickly! "I was busy writing a song. It isn't finished yet though."
"Seiya, damn it!" growled the hot-tempered Taiki.
Yaten finished his sentence. "Don't think that we don't know what's going on, Seiya! Stop lying to us!"
"We can see the salt on your face!"
Seiya's eyes widened. They knew?! They knew he'd been there the whole time?! They knew he had cried, talk, and murmured to himself the entire time that they were having a party?! He couldn't respond, he could only stand there- feeling ganged up on.
"Seiya..." Yaten began sympathetically. Amazing how his moods could change within a second.
"Seiya," Taki picked up commandingly; "stop sulking and come in. We're getting ready to eat dinner with min'na-san, who cooked it for us- including you. It's rude to make them go through all that trouble for you if you don't even show up."
The male's expression became angry. If they knew what was going on, they wouldn't have acted that way. Taiki's strict, narrow-minded command to him- as though he were a child- had really set him off. Much like a PMSing female. Tears of anger came pouring out of his eyes. He wasn't going to contain himself- he was going to let 'em have it!
"YOU BASTARDS!" he shrieked, loudly and angrily enough to make it echoe. "HOW DARE YOU JUST FLING OPEN THE DOOR AND PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW EVERY THING!" his hands clenched in to fists, and his eye brows narrowed over his growing-blacker-by-the-second eyes. "IF YOU EVEN KNOW A THING ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULDN'T BE COMMANDING ME AS THOUGH I WERE A CHILD!" his body was shaking severely- the anger was overpowering him.
"Seiya, what's going on right now is no excuse to be rude to our hosts." Taiki said in a calm, composed manner that was taken as arrogant from Seiya's point of view.
"Taiki, don't! You should leave him alone- he's really angry right now!" Yaten begged.
"YOU ARROGANT, HOT-HEADED, NARROW-MINDED JERK!" Seiya should have been foaming at the mouth like some sort of rabid, deranged animal. "YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING TAIKI! YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE- YOU'VE NEVER LOVED ANY THING BUT YOURSELF!"
Amazing how words could hurt so badly! Taiki's eyes widened, but Yaten simply held his arm down. "You need to let him calm down before you start arguing, Taiki."
"I'M NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP- IT SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED OF ME TO JUST CALM DOWN AFTER THE WAY HE ACTED!" before Yaten could respond in Taiki's defense, Seiya was shrieking again; "SHUT UP!"
And then, to keep from feeling obligated to go inside, the raven-haired male ran off and wasn't seen again for the remainder of the day.