A/N: See end.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Dedications: For Determafidd, for just being awesome, inspiring me to attempt a nonlinear story and not being freaked out by my OCD fangirliness.
Warnings: Language, Character death (You have been warned!)
Guilt
"There was nothing you could have done Bruce."
The words echoed through Bruce's mind as the 'Other Guy' howled in rage and pain and anguish, too tired to make an appearance but distraught enough to push at his ever dwindling control.
He wished he could believe Steve or the others when he told him that this whole situation wasn't his fault but he couldn't, no matter how sincere the words were. He should have noticed that something was amiss, that there was something not quite right.
But he hadn't.
And it had cost him one of the few friends he had in the world.
The Hulk roared again a wild maelstrom of emotion and the physicist felt his control begin to splinter, the combined grief and guilt of two beings reverberating through his psyche almost too much for him to bear.
"Friend Bruce."
Thor's grief laden voice cut through the storm of feeling and Bruce felt his large, warm hand rest gently on his shoulder. He wanted to shrug the hand off but he couldn't muster the will through the numb despair gripping his heart, instead he turned watery, bloodshot eyes up at the blonde god and tried to articulate his thoughts.
"Gone... M'Fault."
Well that was real eloquent Bruce wasn't it? He told himself sarcastically but it appeared that Thor got the gist of his attempted message and his face crumpled slightly.
"You did everything within your powers my friend, blame does not lie with you nor anyone else bar mother nature."
Bruce couldn't hide the wince at that comment, how would the Asgardian know what was natural and what was not? He hadn't been there, he hadn't seen it, he hadn't stood helpless while his friend died in his arms. Anger red hot and blazing surged through his body, incinerating the grief for a few precious moments and Thor pulled his hand away as though burned.
"My friend..."
Eyes flecked with acid green narrowed and he snarled at the god, all of the vet and self-loathing he felt being
"I should have been able to do more! I'm supposed to be a doctor, a fucking genius and I let him die! I let one of the best friends I've ever had die because I was too much of a fucking idiot to notice something was fucking wrong! I saw him every day, I should have fucking noticed!"
Thor didn't offer a reply and simply man-handled the distraught man into an embrace.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
"Sooooooo Brucey what's on the agenda today? Some sexy, fun time with science or some sexy, fun times with the ladies?"
Tony's voice rang clear through the lab and Bruce forced down his ingrained reaction to roll his eyes. He wasn't going to rise to the billionaire's bait, the other man was fishing for information (in his oh so subtle way) and Bruce knew it. Instead of answering he merely sent a piercing look at the engineer and raised an eyebrow.
The grin on Tony's face didn't deminish in the slightest.
"Come on sourpuss, turn that frown upside down."
"I'm not frowning Tony." Bruce replied tersely.
The billionaire's flopped down into a swivel chair in an over dramatic fashion, eyes twinkling mischeviously.
"Yeah you are, you've got those little lines that crease your forehead when something is bothering you... Honestly they're so deep I should start mining in there craggy mc crag-pants."
Calm happy thoughts Banner...Calm happy thoughts... Do not think about pushing that chair into the walk in specimens freezer and leaving him there.
"Tony..." The physicist's tone was exasperated.
"Bruce..." Tony mimicked like a three year old.
"Can you not be serious? Honestly is it really that hard?"
Stark's grin brightened to a kilowatt smirk as Bruce quickly realised his verbal faux-pas.
Oh fuck...
"Now, now Banner... Why don't you tell me just how hard it is? I'm sure with your rigid outlook you'll be able to set me straight."
There was a brief moment where Bruce actually felt the embarrassment before pushing it down into the little box he had mentally named 'Dealing with Tony' and narrowed his eyes at the other man, he wasn't going to play his game.
"Tony I don't have time for innuendo's or otherwise... So do you have a reason to be here besides trying to find out how my meeting with Betty went?"
The billionaire's put on a false wounded air and even pouted a little, placing his hand over the arc-reactor hidden beneath the layers of cloth.
"Bruce, Bruce, Bruce you wound me!"
The physicist gave a soft snort of laughter knowing that nothing could be further than the truth.
"Clearly not enough you're still talking."
"Oooo bitchy, I knew it was in you somewhere."
Bruce gave into the compulsion and rolled his eyes.
"Yeah... Well I have been hanging around you for a while, I expected something to rub off on me... Just glad it wasn't an STD."
There was a moment where Tony just gaped at him like an idiot, not quite believing that those words had come out of Bruce's mouth and the physicist wondered briefly if that particular comment had been a slight low blow. That thought however was blown out of the water when the billionaire began to laugh hysterically.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
Natasha moved with careful, measured steps as she approached and Bruce really couldn't blame her, their past interactions didn't exactly paint a shining picture. However the fact that she was approaching him at all while he was in such an unstable frame of mind spoke volumes about how far their 'relationship' had progressed. The physicist turned red-rimmed eyes to meet her watery green and there was a moment; tiny, brief but infinitely significant where both of them understood one another.
"The results from the post-mortem came back."
Bruce tried not to wince at those words the blazing inferno of guilt rampaging through his soul. He knew that Natasha thought she was helping by logically spelling out what had happened and under normal circumstances her thought would be correct. There was a safety in logic that he had always found to be a comfort, it was a constant in his life; one of the very few.
There was nothing logical about this situation however.
So this time even that safety net had been tugged from beneath his feet and he could feel himself falling.
"He had a clot on his lung... They said that after all that had happened it had weakened his heart immeasurably, he was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. There was nothing anyone could have done, the S.H.I.E.L.D medics were amazed you managed to keep him going so long after he crashed."
He could hear Widow's voice, hear the words she was saying but at was if he was hearing them through water; they were distorted and took a long time for him to make out. Finally it filtered through and he would have thought that knowing that none of this could have possibly been prevented would have made him feel better but it didn't, it didn't at all. The numb empty feeling deep inside was still there.
"Bruce..."
"I heard you Natasha."
The S.H.I.E.L.D agent looked uncomfortable but whether it was real or just an act Bruce couldn't quite tell. She moved forward as if to touch him but then stopped at the last moment apparently thinking better of it.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"I said I HEARD YOU!"
Natasha didn't jump to her credit, she just shot him that calm look and it caused his ranckled hackles to soothe slightly.
"Sorry... That was mean."
There was a hint of upturned lips at the familiar line and it was gone in a flash but Bruce had caught it and felt his stomach unclench slightly. The assassin moved forward again this time more boldly and sat down next to him, her leg brushing briefly against his own. She sat patiently hands folded on her lap and waited. The physicist gave a small sigh and rubbed a hand through his disheveled hair before joining it with the other and wringing it nervously.
"I... I just felt I could have done more to save him... I feel guilty because I'm here and he's not. " Bruce hated how small his voice sounded at the admission.
A petite hand fell over his own joined pair stopping the nervous wringing.
"Bruce... What more could you have done? You're not a medical doctor even though you do a very good impression of one. The experts, the people who are trained to deal with things like this were unable to do anything for him, so what chance did you have? You did everything you could and you were there when he needed you... You did enough, more than enough."
There was an honesty in Natasha's voice that wasn't usually there and even though Bruce knew it could be an act; every fiber of his being was telling him that the Widow was being truthful and it made the pressure in his chest lessen considerably.
"I... Thank you."
Natasha merely smiled seemingly a little shocked at the show of gratitude.
"I have already lost one team-mate... I do not wish to lose another. I know we've never been on the best of terms but if you need someone to talk to I'm here."
And with that she gave his hand one last squeeze before walking out of the room and leaving the physicist alone with his thoughts.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
"It wasn't that funny Stark."
Tony was still chuckling to himself and picking at a fruit bag he'd brought in with him, still very much amused by Bruce's comment.
"That my good Doctor is where you are wrong, who ever knew that there was such a sassy madame beneath all of the 'Fuck off' vibes you throw around..." He tilted the silver bag toward Bruce "Strawberry?"
Bruce shook his head still trying to block out the constant that was Tony Stark's mouth.
"But seriously Bruce..." The billionaire continued "You need to let that bitchiness out otherwise it'll poison you."
This time it was Bruce's turn to laugh, although it was some what bitter.
"I'm in a constant state of being poisoned Tony, irradiated blood and all that."
"Oh... Yeah... Well you know what I meant Big Guy, you need to strut and let people know what you're thinking. The world will be a better place, there will be parades and everything."
He popped another strawberry in his mouth and gave his friend an uncharacteristically serious look. Bruce felt it prickling the back of his neck and after a moment scratched nervously at the spot. This had become an old discussion between them (He refused to say argument because it made them sound like an old married couple) and like always he blocked it out. He knew Tony meant well but he knew that he couldn't allow himself to slip, it was asking for trouble. Sensing that he'd hit one of Bruce's metaphorical walls again the billionaire sighed.
"Whatever Banner, it's your life I know that... I just wish you'd live it a little more..." He placed the empty fruit bag in the bin and apparently his thoughts on the matter with it. "...So... Science?"
Bruce merely rolled his eyes at Tony's flippant, mercurial nature; it always managed to catch him off guard.
"Yeah... Science..." He replied with a smile.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
He was almost ready.
The small travel bag that had seen so much of the world with him lay open on the expansive bed half full, which was oddly enough the fullest it had ever been.
Bruce tried not to think about why it was so full, it caused his chest to ache and his head to pound.
He walked into the bathroom and grabbed his toothbrush, taking a last long look at the finery he'd been accustomed to. For the first time in a long time; he realised with a start, he was actually going to miss the place he was leaving. He was going to miss the late-night lab sessions, miss the strangely comforting group meals and consequential food fights, miss the complete lack of fear at his presence.
He was going to miss the Avengers.
He grit his teeth against the numbness in his chest, he needed to do this to protect everyone. It was only a matter of time before he had another incident now that one of his major stabilizing influences had been removed. He wasn't willing to take the risk.
He was so lost in what he was doing that he didn't hear the small polite knock at the door; nor did he hear it creak open slowly.
"Doctor Banner..."
The quiet, hesitant voice of Pepper Potts echoed like thunder in the near silence of the room and Bruce felt his heart leap into his throat. Of all the people to come and visit him this was one he'd been hoping to avoid because this person had more reason to hate him than anyone else. He didn't turn around and stood frozen in place, hands fisted in clothes and other knick-knacks.
"Miss Potts..."
The woman in question took a step forward and placed a slightly shaking hand on his shoulder.
"I thought I told you to call me Pepper."
Her voice was light but there was a definite tremble to it and Bruce stared down into the bag, not daring to meet her eyes and the accusations that were bound to be there.
"Then I must insist you call me Bruce."
The hand on his shoulder tightened inperceptably and then relaxed.
"Br-uce..." She tried on the word like one of the ridiculously expensive suits. "Were you going to run again?"
The bluntness of her question caught the physicist off guard and he found himself floundering for an answer, in the end he settled for honesty.
"Yes."
"Please don't."
This shocked Bruce, he would have thought that the woman would have been glad to see the back of him but here she was asking him to stay. It confused the hell out of him and finally Bruce worked up the courage to meet Pepper's eye.
It was like looking in a mirror.
He could see the grief and guilt reflected in the red-rimmed glassy depths of her eyes and it winded him more thoroughly than a physical blow ever had.
"I don't want to be alone here..."
The admission was quiet and not something Bruce would have thought the infamously proud Pepper Potts would say but they were both in a strange place at the moment and it made sense to seek comfort in the familiar. That thought made the physicist chuckle mentally; when had he become a source of 'familiar' in the eyes of the one-time Stark Industrial CEO?
"Miss... Uh Pepper... I..." His voice stuck in his throat.
Her eyes hardened slightly although the unfathomable sadness was still present.
"You have no reason to run Bruce... He wouldn't have wanted that and neither do I, so you can forget whatever bullshit you were about to spout and unpack your bag."
There was the Pepper he remembered and he felt his chest lighten slightly; how could he argue with that? With a 'Yes ma'am' mumbled under his breath he reluctantly began to pull out his belongings because he knew the woman wouldn't relent until he did. Pepper flashed a brief grateful smile and dropped her hand from Bruce's shoulder, the silence stretching between.
"I'm glad he was with you y'know."
Again Bruce froze and shot her a confused look. Pepper sighed and elaborated tears misting her eyes.
"I-I'm glad he was safe and doing something he loved... Rather than being on some far off battlefield cold and a-alone."
The tears were flowing in earnest now her body shaking with grief and Bruce felt awkward, he didn't do emotions they tended to get him into trouble. But he couldn't just leave her hanging like this and in the back of his mind the Hulk rumbled in agreement. Tentatively he reached out and pulled the distraught woman into a gentle, awkward embrace and Pepper just seemed to give in and slumped against him, all the fight drained from her.
"I-I meant i-it.., about him being with y-you when i-it happened, I-I'm glad his last few moments were h-happy. F-for all his wealth h-he didn't g-get much h-happy." The words were mumbled into a shoulder.
The physicist didn't say anything in return but he could understand what Pepper was saying, there were always such expectations placed upon Tony's shoulders that the man could never truly relax or just be himself. Except of course for those fleeting moments in the lab when the shields dropped or when he was alone with Pepper, they had both seen the real Tony beneath the facade. The Tony that had taken extreme joy in the tiny details, in that moment of victory when an experiment worked; the Tony that would look on in wonder every time Pepper forgave him yet another moment of stupidity with a smile and a quick peck on the lips, as though he expected her to leave and never come back.
"I-I'm sorry, I know you're g-grieving too... I-I just knew you'd u-understand and I-I wanted you to k-know."
Bruce tightened his grip and closed his eyes the tears that had refused to come finally fell.
"Thank you..." His voice shook.
"F-for what?"
He couldn't exactly come up with an answer.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
Bruce took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to ward of sleep, things were quiet; too quiet and that meant only one thing.
Tony was plotting something.
He should be used to it after all this time but he still couldn't fight off the feeling of exasperation and although he would never admit it fondness at the billionaire's antics.
"Tony I know you're plotting, it's too quiet."
The silence continued and the physicist felt a small knot form in his gut, Tony normally responded when called out but there was no denial from the other man not even a muted chuckle.
"Tony?"
He turned around to survey the lab and saw hide nor hair of the billionaire; just what was going on? Bruce stepped forward with a confused look on his face and almost went flying as he tripped over something sticking out from behind one of the workstations. Brown eyes roamed downwards and the breath caught in his throat when he saw what he had tripped over.
It was a foot; more specifically it was Tony's foot.
"Tony!"
Bruce dropped to his knees beside the downed man panic exploding in his chest, the billionaire was prone on the floor completely still, his still open eyes glassy and unseeing. Hastily Bruce placed his fingers on the juncture between chin and neck frantically searching for a pulse his own heart nearly stopping when he found none.
No pulse...
Tony had no pulse.
Not even considering the possibility of what that could possibly mean (denial was such a wonderful thing at times like this) the physicist spurred into action and rolled the man on to his back pulling open the man's shirt. The arc reactor sat in the center of Tony's chest still glowing and functioning perfectly, so that wasn't the problem. Hands fisted Bruce began chest compressions in a vain attempt to get the billionaire's heart pumping again.
"JARVIS!"
The AI didn't respond.
"Honestly of all the times to mute... JARVIS UNMUTE!"
"The medical team has been alerted Doctor Banner and are enroute. ETA three minutes."
Bruce tried to feel relieved at that piece of information but he couldn't, not while the man laying beside him was still unresponsive.
He still had no pulse.
Don't think about it Bruce, just focus on getting him going again. He's going to be fine. He Is Going To Be Fine! This is probably just another one of his jokes, you have nothing to worry about.
Where the fuck is that medical team?
"JARVIS ETA?!"
"Ten seconds Doctor Banner."
He felt again for a pulse and almost let out a cry of relief when he felt it, shallow and thready but definitely there. It was at that moment the medical team burst in through the lab door armed to the teeth with medical instruments, the immediately pushed Bruce out the way and carried on from where he'd left off. He watched with detatched numbness as they worked, guilt starting to worm it's way through his gut and intensifying as the heart monitor flatlined.
"He's crashing! Where the hell is that crash cart?!"
The crash cart came skidding through the door mere seconds later and within a minute was hooked up to Tony's chest.
"CLEAR!"
The noise of electricity being conducted filled the air and Tony's body convulsed. Bruce held his breath and watched the heart monitor with barely restrained anxiety.
"CLEAR!"
The physicist could have sworn he felt the second shock pass through his body although it did little to shake him from his shocked revere.
"CLEAR!"
Still no response.
"CLEAR!"
The heart monitor was still flatlining.
"CLEAR!"
The medical team shared a look.
"CLEAR!"
The insesant tone was the only sound filling the room.
"I'm going to call it."
That caught Bruce's attention and it felt as though he'd been doused in ice cold water, they weren't giving up were they? They couldn't.
"Time of death..."
NO!
"... Twelve forty five pm."
The physicist's vision began to blur to green; he could hear the medics talking to him but it was like they were talking a foreign language. He needed to get out of there, it was only the shock that was currently keeping him from transforming and that was rapidly wearing off. Without hesitation he charged past the medics and fled to the Hulk out room, barely making it past the doors before losing himself to the grief.
The Hulk roared and smashed for hours at the loss of his metal man.
*IAmALineBreakBecauseICantEdi t*
The funeral was a quiet affair and probably the exact opposite of what anyone would expect from anything involving Tony Stark.
Bruce was eternally grateful for that as he took his place at the pedestal.
"Tony was a man who could drive you insane with a few words; was a man who took pride in annoying those in authority and was a man who would always let you know what he was thinking whether you wanted to know or not..."
There was a quiet ripple of hysterical tittering from the handful of mourners.
"... But despite his many faults he was a man who could be relied upon when needed; a man who looked out for his friends despite the circumstances and a man who had an uncanny knack of seeing underneath a person's exterior. He was brash, blunt and obnoxious but also honest and unfathomably kind. He will be sorely missed by those who knew him well enough to see beneath his many masks. Goodbye Tony, a man I am proud to call my friend."
Bruce took a deep breath to steady his emotions and stepped down from the pedestal taking a seat next to Pepper and a man he hadn't met before dressed in a military uniform.
"That was beautiful Bruce... Thank you."
The doctor merely nodded in response his heart feeling lighter than it had in weeks. On the other side of the aisle he could see Clint give him a discreet thumbs up and the small, sad smiles on the rest of the Avengers faces spoke volumes to his conscience
They didn't blame him and they were in this together.
It would take time for the guilt to fully subside or for the hole in his heart to heal but he had people around him to help him through the dark times and that was more than he'd ever hoped for.
The small congregation watched as the coffin was commited united in their grief and convinced that wherever he was Tony was having a good laugh at their expense.
~End~
A/N: This fic has been quite the experience to write and not just because of it's nonlinear nature.
The reason? It's based on true events.
This has been a way of me coping after going through quite a traumatic experience. I work as a carer for people with severe learning difficulties/ behavioural issues and recently while out shopping with a group one of the people I cared for collapsed and died while under my supervision. I can honestly say it is one of the worst things I've ever experienced; trying to care for the rest of the group while trying not to freak out over what was happening.
And afterwards the guilt I felt almost destroyed me.
So in one way or another all the conversations in this story really happened as people tried to help me get my head out of my ass.
Which I finally managed after a lot of persuading and finally getting some closure (The funeral was today.)
So... Yeah, thanks for reading.
Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated.