Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
"Brother, it is time." Hester says, and her voice is steady, unworried. But the trembling of her Grace, an almost imperceptible shudder, betrays her true feelings. Hester is apprehensive, uncertain of what is to come.
Castiel offers her a terse smile. The members of his garrison were the first to join him when he chose to oppose Raphael. They had all been exposed to humanity, had all witnessed its wonders and deemed it worth protecting, even if that meant disobeying the orders of an archangel. He values their loyalty, and the unwavering support of the angels closest to him is a great relief.
Others were more difficult to persuade.
Angels, by nature, obey orders. Especially the soldiers; the bureaucrats, however, were often self-serving, as in the case of Zachariah. Most never even consider challenging the roles allotted to them by the established hierarchy, and those who did challenge their roles were sure to be cast in a negative light, even when they had done nothing wrong.
Like Gabriel.
Opinion of Gabriel improved following his death, as many angels (now his followers) viewed Gabriel's last hour as noble. Prior to the announcement of his death, however, most members of the Host were dismissive of Gabriel, branding him a "foolish coward" and scoffing whenever he was made mention of.
His crime was not following Michael's orders. In the eyes of his siblings, refusing to fall into line with the rest of the Host, refusing to partake in the fighting meant that Gabriel refused to follow God. They believed that Gabriel had lost sight of his purpose, and that by fleeing he had spat in their Father's face. He was reviled for it.
But Castiel remembers what it is to be a soldier with doubts. He has taken the path of rebellion, and he has succeeded.
But not without help.
"He brought you back. But what about Sam? What about me, huh?" Dean's eyes radiate sadness. Watching him is agony, but Castiel cannot (and will not) look away, "Where's my grand prize? All I got is my brother in a hole!"
And he can't help but think that Dean has completely misunderstood him in this, because his resurrection has not made him happy. He is burdened with the knowledge of Dean's misery, of Sam's sacrifice.
And terrified by the sudden thought that, were Dean to ask it of him, he would stay.
Castiel is responsible for ensuring that order is kept in Heaven. It would be foolish of him to allow his feelings for Dean Winchester to prevent him from carrying out his duties. It would be foolish of him to risk everything falling apart.
But he would do foolish things for Dean.
And now his feelings for Dean Winchester are what he clings to when the stress threatens to break him, when he doubts his ability to go on. Because Dean fought for the humans. He showed Castiel what it is to be free, to do what is right.
When Castiel fights, he fights for Dean.
He fights for breathtakingly expressive green eyes, for the light that shines in them when Dean is happy. Because he knows that Dean has gone to rest, to be happy. And if Castiel cannot be the cause of his happiness ("Where's my grand prize?"), then he will fight to ensure that nothing threatens Dean's peace.
"We are fighting for them, Hester." Castiel murmurs, placing a hand on her shoulder in what he hopes is a reassuring way, "We are fighting for their peace."
There are certain things he knows, certain things he cannot be dissuaded about; preventing the Apocalypse from being re-started is of the utmost importance, regardless of what the Word commands. His Father would not have resurrected him had he disapproved of Castiel's decisions. But closer to his heart, more pressing than the desire for his Father's approval, is his need to prevent the Winchesters' sacrifices from being made in vain.
Hester's gaze becomes pitying, and Castiel withdraws, suddenly aware of his own transparency. "And what of our peace, Castiel?"
"We will have peace when their safety is certain." He replies, hoping this will resonate with all who follow him. Because he will not rest until they are all saved. A sharpness creeps into his tone, "Our Father would not have resurrected me if he did not support my quest, Sister. In his time of isolation, it would be unwise to ignore the significance of such outright intervention."
Castiel awaits her response, and is pleased by her chastened expression. "Of course. I apologize, brother; you speak rightly." She sighs, her Grace flaring up again. The stress is affecting everyone, at this point. Normally, Hester would never voice doubt. Such a display from her, of all his siblings, is cause for worry. "The war…it takes its toll on all of us."
Castiel nods, that ever-present ache seeping into every component of his being, "Of course. I understand, sister."
(Dean calls out to him in his memories, his voice laden with weariness, with sorrow. "What about me, huh?"
Castiel thinks of the woman, Lisa, the one who embodies everything Dean has ever desired. He's afraid that Dean will never call for him again. He wonders if Dean will find his peace with her. He's afraid that Dean will forget about him. He wonders what Dean is doing now. He's afraid that she won't be enough to mend his wounds. He hopes that Dean will be happy. He's afraid that he won't ever be happy without Dean.
Castiel wonders when this will stop hurting. If it will stop hurting.)
Her answering smile, sadder than the one before it, tells him she already knew that.
A/N: A bit AU, because Sam isn't out of the Cage yet, but whatever. Just a little one-shot for y'all. Until next time!